Anyone up? DH is leaving me follow up thread. Onit's on it!!

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Link to my last thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2658829-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me?msgid=62446916

My bil has just offered to buy my car off me for £1.
Then, after I've given LCB his half, he'd sell it back to me for 50p.

Anyone know if that's legal

The only thing that's stopping me from just ignoring the bastard altogether is he has already threatened to withhold maintenance (I assume he'd still pay for the DC)
But I plan on ignoring what I can.

I'm afraid if I slow down Mix that I'll grind to a halt.
I've had so much happen and so many challenges and decisions to make in the last 3 months, I don't think I know how to slow down.

Agree with PP that there is no way you can be the bad guy. He is the utterly selfish, morally bankrupt LCB who has thrown away broken you heart and hurt your DC to shag some vapid, self-centred alcoholic tramp who saw no problem with destroying a family she KNEW AND HAD SPENT TIME WITH. They are utterly disgusting.

Also when my parents got divorced (recap: he had had affair, he pretended it was over but moved abroad with her to start a secret family behind all our backs while pretending to make things work with mum and come on family holidays with us FFS) mum gave him a far too good settlement (she didn't know about the 2 secret children obvs), he completely reneged on paying maintenance for us (prob due to paying for two secret children) and mum had to scrimp and save to get by until things got easier when my stepdad came along.

So basically - don't be kind/fair to LCB he's an LCB whose been nothing but cruel and unfair, he's already trying to shift the goalposts, so get lawyered up and ready for fucking battle.

You're onit and you're FUCKING ON IT!!!!!!!'

I still think you need legal advice even if it's only to give you a bit of courage.

Look-you are only doing what any sensible person would do re the car. Trading it in for something more economical and that your h hasn't likely shagged someone else in) and freeing yourself up some cash. He can hardly find fault with that. And if he does, it's tough. The man has left you in a worse financial position through his actions.does he expect you to live in poverty and not even try and sort it out yourself then? which is all you are doing.
He can withhold maintenance before its all legally agreed-but not afterwards. (And not for the kids really unless he wants to be chased by the csa or Scottish equivalent).
But that's why you need the lawyer to get this sorted once and for all. Then you never need speak with him again bar stuff about the kids-and he won't be able to make idle threats and pronouncements about what he will and won't do-which will take away the stress for you.
He really is bastard. Threatening to withhold maintenance.how can he sleep at night? Really...

You have been so strong Onit, sorry if what I said was not helping.
I just wondered if trading in the car wasn't going to come back to bite you in the bum.
What is he suggesting? that you both sell both cars & both have a smaller reasonable cars ?, or you sell your car & hand over the dosh?
He will also be using his cars to transport DCs.
who's name is on the car papers? If its yours, I would just tell him to sit & spin, I agree he is just trying to recuperate the max amount of money (to spend on himself & his trollop). But as he keeps moving the goal posts, you don't know what his next manoeuvre will be.

Onit, remember the phrase 'financially sustainable'. He's left you and your DC worse off than you were but doesn't appear to have made any sacrifices. You have moved to a smaller, cheaper property, need a smaller cheaper to run car - all needs to be affordable. Courts will see this as sensible, they won't be so approving of withholding cm - bastard don't give him any details of any money you have. It's none of his business. You're doing a fabulous job but make time to be kind to yourself

The agreement we made (at his suggestion the day after I threw him out when he'd had both cars valued) was we sell both and split the money.
I saw a lawyer who told me that cars were a 'grey area' as they are only owned by one person.
When I told him that he said my car was the family car and that he'd be 'disappointed' if I didn't split it fairly.

Since then it's become clear his idea of fair is not the same as mine.
I got money from my dad when he died. It paid for the car.
The money we were willed by my dad paid for his car and a lot of work we did on our old house to the tune of £20k or so plus a holiday and a chunk off our mortgage. (I'm not sure what else as he was taking care of the finances at this point)
I'd argue (and did) that my car is mine. Paid for by my inheritance.
He countered that we bought my parents council house with money he inherited from his gran. So ANY money we got from that was his. But we spent that profit on the list above.
I got £17k and my car cost £16k when we bought it a few months after my dad died.

I think I will do the deal on it with the intention of keeping the cash back.
I'll seek advice from my lawyer on Monday (didn't call yesterday as got distracted by other things) about if it's legal to do that when we'd agreed otherwise.
But also to ask about what I should be doing. Can I go back and start over? Should I be petitioning for divorce on the grounds of adultery and what that entails and will it help me financially?

I've spent the last 3 months scared to do the wrong thing. Wanting to be fair and scared of him withholding if I'm not but, actually, if I do the car thing, that cash back will cover me if he does and I might get a better deal on the DC maintenance once I'm back at work. His "generous offer" is actually not at all really but, when he offered that, he thought he'd have the DC 50/50. It's apparent that will not happen. ATM he has them during term time 2 nights a fortnight.

I have budgeted about 5k for boiler and kitchen. This would bring me close to legal aid threshold. Do I just ignore him till I'm there so I don't have to pay?

Aaaarrrrrggghghhhhh!!!!!!!!!

The agreement you made was made when you were shell shocked. And isn't legally binding. He can be disappointed all he likes-you have the right to, now you are thinking more clearly, go back and re examine-ensure you aren't being shafted what was proposed and make sure you are getting, to put it bluntly, the best deal you can get. You don't owe him decency (you aren't doing anything indecent by going back to check anyway), or in fact any consideration of his feelings on the matter.
If you need the boiler and the kitchen then get them. A boiler is a life essential. Get that at least then look at how much you have for solicitors after that.

But why sell both cars when you surely need them to get around? What he's said there doesn't even make sense practically.

nigel I assume he wants a bigger, better car but is too cash poor at present to buy it.
And is pissed off I have the family car which is worth so much more.

Well those are things that he will have want and learn to live with respectively. You can't walk out of a marriage without there being consequences and those include financial/lifestyle being impacted.
Yours certainly has been.
I wish he would stop being a dick-he's put you through enough already.

He really thinks he can call the tune and dictate to you, doesn't he?

Speak to a lawyer about the cars. Also about maintenance and visitation.

Find out how to make it legal re CM so he can not threaten to withdraw it when ever you do not do what wants.

Yes, seek further info from SHL
In view of what you said, I would down size to small economic car, & replace boiler with the difference.
When he starts ranting, say you need hot water to bath the children. :o)

Loving kittencatkins post!! Haha! Was there wine involved? Seriously though, couldn't have said it any better myself!

Haha more - no wine, but I was talking about Thundercats at work this week and I think my current spirit muse is Cheetahra! roar noises

onit so glad you're getting so much awesome advice from everyone re cars/maintenance/custody/lawyers! LCB must be all confused Scooby Doo face ! (I'm into cartoon analogies this week)

Will this be going to court bonnet?
Because the courts aren't stupid. You have really valid reasons backing up why you are making the decisions you are and that will never go against you.

Mine told so many lies on his court papers and he was caught out over and over again...and while no one took his trousers down and smacked his bottom I like to think the final settlement was weighted in my favour because I didn't tell lies and I didn't try to inflate my living costs.

The best one was his living costs for starting up in Dubai. The figure was astronomical while I was going to live on a pittance.

Laughable really.

Best on was how I didn't jump to his tune. I travelled when I wanted to. Went where I wanted to. Did what I wanted to the house and made it look amazing .
It must have really wound him up as he got really resentful.
He wouldn't even bury the hatchet when he knew he was dying.

So, yes, I guess the bottom line was I got to live.

Lawyer will be called on Monday but so will the garage.
I've slept on the decision to get the car and it's a good deal. Decent family car but smaller. I could probably go cheaper but this is the last time I'll be able to afford a nearly new car.

Like to think I'm making good decisions but annoyed with myself that I was so scared in the beginning that I didn't just pay for a lawyer to take care of it all.
I think I've done ok but I'm not going to compromise on my DC. And that's where he's trying to get leverage. I mean, what kind of father does that?
He's changed so much.
I was listening to music earlier and God Only Knows came on. He loves this song. As do I. Or I did

Shit now I'm snivelling.
He used to be such a caring man. And I used to feel so safe. Now I'm terrified. And so sad.

Mew onit I'm sorry you're feeling sad. And yeah, that caring nice guy has gone. But anyone who could behave the way he has isn't worth being sad over. He's the person who should be feeling sad for turning out to be such a shit, selfish lying bastard.

Things will get better and in time you'll meet someone who loves, appreciates and cherishes you for the amazing person you are. I strongly suspect he's headed for an utter car wreck but by that point you'll have moved on and won't give a solitary fuck.

Can we have some long distance and together?

Onit I'm not surprised you're feeling sad - it's been an emotional roller coaster, and LCB is wanting everything his way.

You are doing a great job putting the DC first, keeping them safe and secure. I agree with kitten - he is headed into a car wreck. OW can pick up the pieces because as soon as the divorce is finalised, and the financial stuff has been sorted then the contact you have with him will diminish.

& &

It's alway the odd little things that get me going too onit. I still have the bed we had when we were married.its old now and knackered and I need a new one. But it makes me really sad to think about getting rid of this one. We got it before we were married and we co slept both our kids in it-and even though I know now he isn't the person he pretended to be-it still made me cry a bit the other day when I was looking for a new bed.It feels very final for some reason in a way that other similar things haven't been.
You've done great, all under duress.
See what he lawyer says and take it from there...but of course you are still allowed to be sad.none of this is anything you would have chosen a year or 6 months ago...

I think when I speak to the lawyer on Monday I want to discuss divorcing him. If only to be able to officially label him an adulterer.
I've no idea if it'll be a good idea but I guess that's why I need to ask.

He's just texted to get a date set for meeting. Suggested Thursday or Friday. I'm ignoring for now.

OWdh has also been in contact. He's seen her to drop off more things and he said they cried together for an hour. And he asked her to come home. Of course she didn't answer him which is an answer though he doesn't want to see it. He's reading it as regret and I've said its possibly remorse, which would be astonishing as Id've thought it difficult for vapid, self-centred, alcoholic tramps to show human emotion.

Sorry kitten I'm a bit late to your party invite

I've had chips as a reward for stripping dd's room today and a Coke. Also just had a cuppa but no wine tonight. Too tired.
Hope you have had yours though

Let's hope she goes back & your XH is shafted