Anyone up? DH is leaving me follow up thread. Onit's on it!!

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Link to my last thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2658829-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me?msgid=62446916

He has tricked you all along the way, why would he stop?
Not your problem.
He will be moving OW in, she has a salary.
Why would you accept less ? so they are more comfortable?
He created his children, they exist, they need to be housed & fed.
Does he want them to live in poverty while he is shagging his tart in a 3 bed flat?
Is this the person he has become?
Clearly she has had a great influence on him. He cannot have what he cannot afford.
Agree that seeing a legal is the way to go.
But also the threat of it, or saying "if you oblige me to go back to my lawyer over this, you will have to pay the bill." may make him back off.
He is so used to you being a push over, he will be surprised when you bite back.

I'm in Scotland so 50/50 is the basic right.
OW is not living with him. She is in a "poky wee flat" in a student/first time buyer/starter area of the city where LCB works.
I'm sure she stays over and I'm certain he's spending almost all his time at her place. But I'm also sure that he chose his accommodation with her in mind too. Chances are she won't leave the city and the only thing keeping him in this town is the DC. His family live the other side of the city, he has no friends here (not now anyway)
Did hear from her ex that, as he's withdrawn himself from their business, she's struggling. I'm strangely gleeful about this.

I'm thinking that I might go back to the lawyer and get them to go through the proposed settlement and tell me what more they can do. If it is going to be 50/50 regardless of the obvious discrepancy in our earnings/potential earnings then, honestly, what's the point in having a lawyer?
It's unlikely I can call off meeting LCB but I will let him speak and take notes. I will tell him if he insists on lowering the agreed maintenance payments before the agreed date I'll have to seek advice.
I'm pretty sure he hasn't been back to see the lawyer he had an initial consultation with. He's not emailed

I did get a bit of a shock this morning. I got a welcome email from mothercare, my address obviously, but it said "dear LCB, thanks for signing up..."
Tempted to forward it asking if he has some news to share.

Definitely get financial advice bonnet.

I refused to negotiate with my ex. Would have been an excuse for him to get nasty.

Please don't agre to selling shares etc till you have advice.

I've given up so much already
I had 3 SAYE things which have been our savings pot over the years of having DC.
I had 3k in them and he made me cash then in . I didn't think I'd be able to afford the monthly contributions with no disposable income so I did it. As it is now, I could've taken a "holiday" and would've probably been able to keep at least one of them going.
I've agreed to sell my car, which is the family car, so worth much more than his runabout.

How can I change my mind about these things and complain about him doing the exact same thing?

Because he's altering the goal posts as he goes along onit.
You don't owe him anything at all. Least of all the removal of the right to change your mind on the car etc. Is he expecting half the profit from the car? And what is he suggesting you drive the kids around in?
If he has a car and you have a car why are either of you selling them?

Yes, maybe a smaller cheaper car, but why are you selling your car, you will need it.
he has made you cash in your savings....
when everything was pooled, I can see that family money was just that.
But now what is yours is yours.
bit by bit he is chipping away now.
Tell him No, How will you get to school/shops/doctor/ etc. You need a car.
If you then sell it & get a cheaper car, you keep the profit.

The discrepancy in value of the cars is nearly 7k.
The first lawyer I saw said cars are a grey area because they're in one name only. I told him this way back in June and he made me feel guilty for even saying it.
I don't want to be unfair though. It was the family car. I drove it the vast majority of the time but it was "our" car.
I could argue that the inheritance I got from my dad, over and above what LCB was willed, paid for my car.

You guys are starting to convince me to go back to the lawyer.
Why should I play fair? He's fucking screwed my entire future! So what if short term I get a few grand more in the fall out. Why shouldn't he pay for what he's done?

It's just not me. I don't want to come out of this as the bad guy.

I told him this way back in June and he made me feel guilty for even saying it - please stop feeling guilty about him. I don't think he feels much guilt about what he's done to you or your children, does he? You cannot possibly come out of this as the bad guy, because quite simply you aren't. You have bent over backwards to try to accommodate him and his loony wishes, and you continue to do so. Time to stop now. Email contact only, no requirement to meet face to face to talk finances. You did that before and it did you no favours since he's now gone back on his word.

Please, get yourself to a solicitor, get good advice, and protect yourself and your DC financially as much as you possibly can. Sod his feelings!

Yes definitely sod his bloody feelings! Keep the car! Get a shit hot lawyer now onit! I know it's expensive but you can probably get legal aid yes?

You can't come out of this the bad guy in any way. And if anyone does think you are wrong to try and protect the financial future of the dc's and yes, your own, then who cares? Because it won't be them that's struggling to get on a bus with kids in tow, or worrying about paying the bills.
I understand you don't want to appear grabby. Not many people
Do. But don't leave yourself at a disadvantage because of that when you needn't. If the car is in your name I can't see that he can have any say in what goes on with it. And even if he did it wouldn't be reasonable of him to leave you without transport.
He made the choice here. If he doesn't like the consequences that's his problem. He may not be happy that you aren't concerned about how he feels about things anymore-he may not be able to get his head around that.again, his problem.
Go back and see the lawyer is your best bet I think-see what they suggest.it can't hurt and it's better to pay that money now and get a better deal that regret it later on.

No legal aid. I have more than 6k, just. And not for long if I replace the boiler and kitchen.

Plumber has been in this afternoon and fixed my leak and trickle of cold water out the bath tap.
He's gone off to do a quote for a boiler and, as he has some contacts, is going to ask around about joiners to fit a kitchen.
I think I've fallen in love

I'll phone my solicitor in the morning.

OP you say you can't get out of meeting him??? OF COURSE YOU CAN! Sorry to shout but just STOP. You are the boss of you now, NOT HIM! Don't sell your car, don't meet him, don't discuss any financial stuff with him, don't listen to him. You have been so brainwashed/conditioned by him that it's almost a reflex, he says jump and you say how high!
You don't need to do this anymore. so just STOP
He does not get to dictate ANYTHING to you, just reply with something like "I'll run that by my solicitor" to anything he says. He thinks his word is law but it's not, please please do this for you financial and mental health.

Saying "I'll run that by my solicitor" doesn't mean you have to contact your solicitor every time he tells you what you must do, you just say it to him, keep notes/timeline, inform solicitor when necessary, if he badgers you asking what you solicitor said just say "it's been noted" or some such thing. Remember he can't make you do anything, just cos he thinks he can doesn't make it so.

You're right! Thanks for shouting Treasonable.
Why am I just slowly splitting everything down the middle?
What will he do if I don't sell the car. Even if I said I would.
Let him fork out for solicitors to make me bloody do it!

Why has it taken me so long to realise this? You're not the first person to say what you have. Though you might be the first to shout

Exactly onit! That's more like it!
You are doing it because you are nice.and because you are used to putting his needs at a high priority- it's a hard habit to break after years of marriage.But remember that he has not and will not do the same for you, so you must school yourself to look out for you and dc's first, middle and last-what he thinks is not your problem.

Yaaaay! "Rocky theme tune"

Thank god for that onit! You're obviously too lovely To want to play hardball but he's asking too much now ....

You are getting loads of excellent advice. You're wise to listen.

He doesn't get to tell you what to do. He chose to leave. You should not be penalised in anyway because he's a dick head.

Good luck.

tell us more about the hunky plumber

I'm extremely nervous about this now. Cold light of day and all that.

It must be nervewracking onit. But I really hate to think of you getting shafted financially because LCB is trying to push you to do things a certain way that is only the right thing for him, and OW, not you and DC. At least see what the lawyers can tell you about possible ways you can get a better deal?

I just read Why am I just slowly splitting everything down the middle?
What will he do if I don't sell the car. Even if I said I would.
Let him fork out for solicitors to make me bloody do it!
Why has it taken me so long to realise this? and thought YAAYYYYYYYYYY!!!

And then I read the latest. Please don't give in to him. Be nervous but don't let him know. Fake it til you make it and all that.

Remember, at some point you are going to have to stand up to him. You might as well make that point now, not in a month or a year. Now!

He picked the DC up at 5 and at quarter past I was sitting in the car showroom asking about a trade in with cash back.
I feel weird potentially selling the car and buying a new one without him knowing but, why should I tell him? Has he told me about anything he has spent since he left? No! He has not.
It may open a can of worms but, with the cash back I'll get from the trade in, it would more than cover me if he decided to just stop paying me what he'd agreed.
I might lose the moral high ground as I'll be going back on what I previously agreed but so fucking what?!?
He can hardly call me out on going back on my word, can he?

onit...... you are seeing the light.
but don't get carried away, I assume he can always cut off his CM (whatever it's called) you don't have to have the car instantly, getting info is good...
but slow down.

Yay, glad you didn't take offence at my shouting Onit and so glad you are changing your thinking.
Keep uppermost in your mind that your ex cannot make you do anything. I received some very stern solicitors letters (obviously dictated by exdh (stand for "ex dickhead"), telling me I had to immediately do this that and the other and I took enormous pleasure in just ignoring said letters, there was actually nothing they could do to force me to do what they wanted and often total radio silence is the most powerful tool!

It is much smaller and much cheaper, Mix
I want rid of the car I have as he had her in it and I hate I have to drive my DC around in it when they've done God knows what in there
It costs a lot to run it too and this one will be cheaper to insure too.