Anyone up? DH is leaving me follow up thread. Onit's on it!!

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Link to my last thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2658829-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me?msgid=62446916

agh..... You did not plan for HIM TO be a LCB

I will just repeat what I said earlier. What a TWAT.

Working in retail sucks over Christmas and he knows this.

In reality you get what, from 6pm on Christmas Eve until 6am Boxing Day? And he is proposing that he has them for a significant portion of that time? No. It's hugely unfair. It was his decision to leave and being brutal he made his bed, he can fester in it.

I would also bet that if you were to agree to him bringing them to you at midday on Christmas Day he won't be on time but an hour or so late "because they were having a great time" equally if you agreed to him picking them up at 12 he would be banging on the door at 10.30 wanting to see the DC.

He doesn't get to call the shots. You do.

I would also tell him when he starts waffling on about the financial stuff to put it in writing so you can forward it to your solicitor. Don't discuss it, just be like a broken record...put it in writing, I will send it to my solicitor.

He's being a twunt.

Yes MrsD

You don't need to tell him anything about your savings. And you don't need to accept less than what he said he would give you without going back to the solicitor.
He can moan all he likes. Does he not see that he has done this to himself? At all?
Great news on the plumber and the kitchen though!!

To be honest, I could quite happily live with the finances we've already agreed, without involving lawyers. But if he insists on cutting maintenance I will be left with no other option.

If he's miscalculated his own finances after his suggested amount of support leaves his bank account, that's not my concern. Or that of our children. He could apply for a loan I'm sure or ask his girlfriend or his parents. Why does he see it as acceptable to remove support from me and DC and our home; because I was frugal and cut my own cloth accordingly?

I would never have agreed to sell if I knew beforehand he'd pull this stunt. The deceit and underhandedness is astounding!

But nothing surprises me anymore.

Precisely the words he needs to hear Onit

I suspect that you've surprised him onit...
He's probably furious as to how you can possibly be managing without him.
The finances and the dc is the last attempt at control he has.
He's trying to push your buttons for a reaction it will help him feel in control if successful.

Just ignore him and proceed with whatever arrangements you want. He is no longer your concern.

Wondering if I should meet at all.
I read a thread last night where a poster had left her husband and one of his tactics was having chats so he could then say they'd agreed to X, y and z when she hadn't.
She was advised to get him to email as a way of keeping evidence.

LCB has said he'd like to meet to renegotiate the monthly settlement as there is context to consider. I don't want to negotiate and don't want to meet him either. But I don't want to invoke lawyers.
The document we had drawn up to sell the house cost me £300. £1k in total because of his threat and my need to seek advice. This is just money I don't have and means my DC suffer even more.

But, I did the myself with the rota. Not intentionally. But, even so, I feel guilty/underhand for calling him on his doing it.
When I gave him the rota, without telling him my reasons for my suggestions, it resulted in the huge email of stats and threat to remove support.
I've told him I'm not prepared to settle for less than we've agreed. But we do have some other things to iron out. My pension for example. But I'm sure it's so he can push for a long term contact agreement. Which I've also said isn't up for discussion till I go back to work.

I guess I just need to get better at sitting quietly and being non-commital.
This is not one of my strengths

email
say the contract is an agreement & cost you 1K,
There is nothing more to discuss.
He signed.

jog on Tosser

Unfortunately the legal document was just a preliminary agreement to state he was giving me the equity.

Our financial agreement is only what we've drawn up ourselves. But it does say he'll support me with X amount until Feb 17. It's not legally binding though.

Email him that though and remind him of what he agreed and say that if he doesn't stand by that until Feb, then you and the children will struggle. Which is the truth.As their Father and still as your husband in the legal sense of the word, he does have some responsibility here. He can think of it as being like a parachute payment if he wishes.But you have done more than your bit to sort out this mess for you and your kids and he has done fuck all (to resolve a mess that he created!)
What does he mean by context? That he doesn't want to lay as much as he agreed to know the guilt has started to wear off a bit? God I hope I never meet him down a dark alley.

I'd be happy to just keep this to save lawyers fees but obviously I can't if he moves the goalposts on previously agreed items.
I understand there is still discussion to be had over things that have only just come up, like pension pots and sales of cars, etc. And I'm happy to negotiate on these things but, as he is so principled and eager to split everything 50/50, and I'm not arguing for more due to less earning potential, there actually isn't much to discuss.

Perhaps I should share how much it cost me in lawyers fees over and above what we both paid, so he can see what it'll potentially cost him if he starts a fight.

Especially if I tell him I'll be entitled to legal aid.

My guess is the context is he's on the bones of his arse!
While I may have a few grand in the bank atm (which he doesn't know) I will NEVER, EVER be in this situation again. That money will only ever erode through time.
What I have is equivalent to 2 years of my salary. I have boiler and kitchen to come off that so probably a years.
That same amount is 2 MONTHS SALARY for him!!!!!

Don't tell him what you have.
Don't meet him to negotiate.

Nothing you do will prevent him from doing what he wants anyway.
You could compromise yourself to keep him onside and you might have to get lawyers anyway.

No matter how responsible & reasonable you have been and continue to be he will always blame whatever bad behaviour he does on you- so don't try to preempt it.

And yy to email discussion- then there is a paper trail and he can't accuse you of saying things you haven't.

Exactly, which puts it in perspective.He is making good money and as long as he's in that job, has a source of income.
You don't. Therefore he will have to pay you what he agreed to. It's what the court would say i would think if he wanted to pay for it to go that far.
Why is he so poor now? Where is he living? Not that it matters really. It's not your problem if he can't maintain his lifestyle.
Did he not think this is what would happen? How did he imagine the financials would work out? Idiot.

I have drafted an email with my pension info attached and asked when he will have an accurate valuation for his car (I got mine yesterday).

I have some shares which are a perk of my job. I've worked in my company since a teenager. We'd agreed to split them down the middle and for me to sell his half.
It occurred to me in the last week or so that some of these shares might predate our marriage so I've requested this info from the share holding company.
He doesn't know I've asked about this as he just assumes I'll sell half as that is what was agreed in our original discussions.
Half my total stockholding is probably £1500 at the moment.
If it turns out this predates the marriage (or a portion of it does) he wouldn't be entitled to it.
If I had remembered, they would've been sold a couple of months ago.
The fact he's moving goalposts makes me also less inclined to stick to my word.

He agreed to pay me and the DC slightly more than half his take home pay. Which would just cover mortgage, bills and living expenses. I was concerned at the time that we'd struggle with very little to no disposable income. So no school uniform etc unless he gave us more.
Difficulty for him was there wasn't much around on the rental market at the time and, though he could've got a one bed and slept on the couch when he had them or a 2 bed and had them share (which they did at home) he got a 3 bed (furnished). Which cost more than half what he had left of his wages, in rent. And then, apparently, he was "haemorrhaging" money because he had to buy beds for the DC etc.

Stop negotiating directly with him. I know you are concerned with saving money but you will lose money in the long run by doing this. Do it through a solicitor and make sure you get a shit hot one who will fight for what you are legally entitled to, please stop trying to do it alone.

I've thankfully not been in this position, but from all I've read on here over quite a lot of years, I think AmIbeingTreasonable's advice is very sound. Spend a few quid to save yourself being shafted long term.

OP - you are doing fabulously but you really must invest in some proper legal advice re the financials.

So he made a choice to get a bigger place that then means he can't support his kids to the tune of what he agreed to? This guy....
Why do you have to give him half of anything that's yours? Is it Scottish law or something? He is the bigger earner so surely assets are taken against potential for current and future earnings (as they were in my case-in England though so different?).
I would also go back to the lawyer just to be sure-spend a bit now to be better off later.he isn't going to do the decent thing so you might have to be prepared to fight for it. I know it's tiring and you want it done quick but it also needs to be done fairly I think.
And no don't tell him anything about shares that predate marriage. He doesn't need to know that. I'd warrant that,given his apparent lack of decency, he may not be telling you everything about his financials to be fair, so fuck him.
New beds costing him too much money? Again, what did he think would happen when he made the choice he has made? Has he got the word 'Entitled' branded across his arse?

Has OW moved in with him? Did she have something to do with him choosing a bigger and better house? Grrrr

You're doing great onit.