Anyone up? DH is leaving me follow up thread. Onit's on it!!

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Link to my last thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2658829-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me?msgid=62446916

I think if you were careful you could probably get a boiler and a kitchen. IKEA are excellent and local plumbers much cheaper than British Gas.

So glad it was a better day. You could definitely get a boiler and also a kitchen from IKEA for that money and have some left over. Go for a little shopping trip there and make an appointment to speak to someone in the kitchens dept. They are really good and can plan etc all for you and quote stuff with no charge. Just take some measurements. DC get extended free time in the Creche while you are at a kitchen appt too and we even got free meal vouchers. Win win!!

Onit

I've not posted on your thread before, but have been reading since you first posted.

LCB needs a swift kick in the goolies for sending such a twattish email - and I agree with other posters. The response "oh do fuck off dear" is the way to go.

Great news about the windfall too. Sit on it for a bit, but most importantly make sure you use a little bit of it to stock up on wine.

(perhaps a touch inappropriate at 8.20 in the morning but hey!)

Glad you getting some money back, if it was me I'd put in the cheapest kitchen I could find that I could live with and save the rest.

I agree with doing the boiler and getting the Ikea kitchen. You can even do it without cabinet doors like someone posted earlier, they're the most expensive part of the cabinets. Or get the cheapest doors now, and when you have saved some more money in a couple of years, get the nicer ones, and you can put them on yourself, they're dead easy to swap.

Regardless, it's great that you got the money! Hope things feel cheerier today.

A www lovey, it's so hard but you are a shining star.
Please don't keep repeating negative thoughts. Thoughts have legs and you don't want those going in. Tell yourself this is just a temporary blip and it's going to be awesome. Look how your finances changed in seconds with good news from your solicitor. I always expect the best and I so often get it.
My saying was/ is ..life is a big pizza and I'm having a huge slice and I am.

Re the boiler. When exh left and I became responsible for my own bills, I went through everything with a fine tooth comb as he was so wasteful . I saved loads. Then the British Gas contract came up for renewal. I had to take care of my aunts house when she lost capacity and got a local guy out to check the boiler.
BG wanted to flush it and the price was astronomical. If that didn't work they said it would have to be a new one. My plumber ( who used to work for them) said that won't help. He tinkered on with it and the bill was something like £80. It's still going strong six years later. I have two rental houses now and the tenants have my guys number if ever there's a problem and I'm uncontactable. He looks after my house, my daughters, friends and acts as unofficial manager of the rental properties.

I'm hoping you get one good guy like that.they are worth their weight in salt. Ask around and see who's name comes up.

Just to wish you a nice weekend Onit...hope you are ok...

Had a couple of old workmates round tonight. Both single mums of many years. It amazes me how many strong women there are and how many weak-assed men.
DC and I have fun planned for this weekend and I've got some stripping to do come Monday. Wallpaper that is

Thanks Nigel

Hope you have a great time with your fun weekend.

I treated myself today to a totally extortionate winter coat. It was half price but still £130
I had an £80 gift card from last Xmas after returning everything LCB had bought me. So I used that. £50 is justifiable for a warm, waterproof, coat, right? And what's better is its 4 sizes smaller than last years
I got the dcs winter coats too.

£50 is a BARGAIN for a lovely winter coat. Nice one.

Very excited to hear about your bargainous winter coat (which sounds like it will be gorgeous) and kitchen/boiler affording windfall. Also well done on your awesome and equally bargainous DIY successes!

Have some and on me

Good! You needed to treat yourself.
I'm on the coat hunt myself as it goes-can't find anything I like. Don't even know what I want really, except to look glamorous and sophisticated in it. (So basically I need a coat that is also a magical coat).

It's not pretty. But practical.
Debenhams. Tog 24 black waterproof. £260 reduced to £130. I went through the nectar site too so got some extra points.

I've still got a leak under the sin but I'm doing a fabulous job of pretending I don't know about it
If the plumber I contacted on Friday doesn't reply tomorrow I'll try actually calling to speak to him.

Had a text from LCB asking if I have the V5 document for his car as he needs it to sell it. I actually do have it but have no desire to help him out in any way.

The friends I had round on Friday were chatting about their situations and I realised that my LCB isn't typical in the dad stakes. I think I already knew this but it's a horrible nasty feeling that I have which makes me jealous of the women who had men who just buggered off all together and showed little interest in their DC.
One friend said she'd insisted on having her DC at home for Xmas every year. I hadn't even contemplated that as a possibility but I think I could make an argument for it as I work in retail and Xmas day is the only day I'm guaranteed to be off. LCB on the other hand can take off work whenever he pleases.
I know he'd fight like a mofo for it but realistically I could end up with half a day at Xmas every other year if he gets what he suggested. While he would get lots more than that.

I have also considered asking his parents and SIL, bil and dn (as well as my dsis, bil and dn) for Xmas lunch. I have no room for all these people but it'd be close to a normal Xmas for the DC. Obviously they might not want to come. But I really feel for my mil. We have had his family stay over on Xmas eve till Boxing Day every year since ds was born. This would be the first year she didn't see them open their presents. I'd not be able to bring myself to invite LCB though and that might put mil in an awkward position too.

Any thoughts? I'm sure there will be pressure to make definite plans very soon.

It will probably last you for years
Christmas is tricky.we are having rows about what to do and I don't see it getting any easier.
I didn't like the idea of splitting Christmas Day up into two, as h wanted to do-think that would be very rubbish for the kids. The kids wanted to go to my parents but h couldn't come as my parents don't want to see him. So we are staying at home (mine) and having it just the four of us. It won't be the easiest but it seems best as we both get to see them and they get to see both of us without the horrible mid day handover which would be awful for everyone.
I think if you can get all the family round (and can be in the same room as LCB) that might be the way to go-at least he will be diluted in some way? But if not, on no account agree for him to have them.not this year. He chose to leave, he can bugger off if the first Christmas after that he thinks you are going to be without the kids.I'll come up there and tell him myself if he starts!

Oh sorry-just saw that you wouldn't feel able to invite him too... And that's totally reasonable under the circs.Well in that case you might just have to say to him that you want them Christmas Day, he can have them Boxing Day. And see what he says.
Might be good to start talking about it now though-you don't want to be stressing about it nearer the time.

His suggestion was Christmas Eve to 12 Christmas Day. And 12 Christmas Day to Boxing Day on alternate years. Trouble for me is I work Christmas Eve and Boxing Day. Obviously he knows this so knows he'll get more than his share.
I also think it's terribly unfair to remove the DC from their presents at lunchtime to travel between places. Chances are he'd go to his parents and that's an hour away.

I agree with you.splitting Christmas Day in half sucks for the kids.they would be unsettled in the morning knowing they were going elsewhere in the afternoon and it would be sad for them in the afternoon when they have been through a handover (which even the best actor of a parent couldn't surely pull off with no emotion in the middle of Christmas Day) and are very markedly without one parent.
Say no to that onit.especially as it will favour him due to your work. He can do one.

Tbh I can't see a judge agreeing to that kind of thing anyway. At least, I wouldn't if I were a judge. Does that count? I know so little I don't know why I give my opinion.

Ask what is in the children's interests. Alternate Christmases is most likely, isn't it?

I like your suggestion of inviting the family for Xmas as usual (but not him, definitely not him). It keeps it nice and normal for the DC and the other family members. All of this upheaval was his choice, so he should suck up the negatives, not inflict more pain on you by taking your DS away for half of Xmas.

But you can bet he wont see it like that Agatha.Its amazing how when the guilt wears off (which is most always far sooner than it should do), they forget about how much pain they have inflicted and stop being aware of the need to attempt to be a decent person, in favour of what works (or is fair in their mind) for them.

Plumber coming on Thursday!
Appointment at IKEA kitchen planning on Monday
The phone engineer is here now so I'll have wifi shortly

I'll need to meet with LCB next week to discuss where we are up to with financial split.
I received my pension info a week or so before the house move but I have no idea where I've put it
I have an email copy and I'm sure that my lawyer took a copy but it's annoying me as obviously it's fairly important and who knows what other stuff is 'lost' with it.

He's pressuring me to accept less money from him over the next few months as I now don't have a mortgage to pay.
I want to argue that I wouldn't have agreed to the sale of our house if I'd known he would renege on our arrangement. That my decision to sell was based on the calculations I had made with the income I was expecting.
I'm also very concerned that, with a DC birthday and Xmas looming, any loss of income will impact directly on the DC.
Anything else anyone can suggest? All ideas welcome.

I feel unprepared for any discussion if I'm honest because I've just been trying to get through the days and not giving him or his issues a second thought. I haven't looked at a thing since well before the move.
I don't want to share what's happening in my life, or the work needed in our new house, with him because it is none of his business.
I'm sure he'll ask for details of my other income and expenditure. And how much in savings I have. How much of this do I need to tell him?
On paper I'm probably ok now that I've had some back from the conveyancer, but this is likely to be all I'll ever have. It will erode very quickly with very little room for topping it up once I return to work.
From his PoV I'll be hoarding his money while he suffers. And that might be true but it will last 4 months for him. I will be poor for the foreseeable future and certainly unable to sustain the amount of savings I'd like, to provide things like holidays for the DC.
I will buy the best car I can in the hope it is reliable for a good few years as it's unlikely I'll be able to buy more that a banger next.

Just looking for advice on how to handle this next discussion.

Do not tell him what income you have. It is none of his sodding business. Are you asking how much his OW earns?
He cannot just move the goal posts.
You did not plan to be a LCB. or be ill, or be a SAHM.
You don't have a mortgage, but have considerably gone down size & it was a cheap house as he knows.
Your standard of living has gone down, the house needs work, & his children live in it.
You do not need to give him details.
Just refuse. (Bastard)