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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone up? DH is leaving me follow up thread. Onit's on it!!

980 replies

onitlikeacarbonnet · 20/07/2016 22:26

Link to my last thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2658829-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me?msgid=62446916

OP posts:
myfriendnigel · 14/09/2016 23:42

Those are the kinds of friends you need-great! And that the dc's have settled...so pleased for you. That must be a relief.kids are bloody amazing in how resilient they are sometimes-not saying it will all
Be plain sailing, but they have clearly inherited some of the good stuff from you!
No surprise that he wasn't that involved with the house sale I suppose. What more could we expect from such a colossal twat.
Comfort yourself with knowing how much he must hate seeing how well you've done...best revenge is a life lived well and all that...

I don't know about going to see ow. There's a school of thought that would say that any interaction you instigate with her will give her the satisfaction of knowing she still gets to you and that you still think about her. And that it's possible (highly possible in my case) that you will lose it and shout at her, in which case she will have the satisfaction of that.
On the other hand there are lots of things I would like to say to the woman in my case.They go round in my head and I think she deserves to hear them-and it bothers me that I've never really given her the dressing down she should have got. What stops me is that I don't think it would make any difference to her-it would be a waste of energy and another stick for exh and her to beat me with.' 'Oh Nigel is so unreasonable' blah blah...
What you have suggested you say is good I think-but can you stick with it? Not sure I could-but as we have seen, you are made of much sterner stuff-and if it will give you any sort of comfort then perhaps it would be the right thing.

Mix56 · 15/09/2016 06:58

I wouldn't. its so highly emotive. You could end up shrieking & then having to beat a retreat in tears, very humiliating, & would negate the whole point of facing her.
I would rather ignore her, if you ever see her look through her, slowly, (vague grimace of distaste, think Dog shit ) if she speaks to you, make it as if you are deaf. Just Blank, it is ultimately the Detachment of her, & him, that will bring you peace.

Mrsx3 · 15/09/2016 09:35

HI Onit, i have been following your thread, and your previous one but not posted yet. I must say what a strong and together woman you are and that your dc are very very lucky to have you. You sound like you have been such a rock.

Your posts have really helped me get my head around things in my own life. I have been married to my dh for 5 years, i was the OW and he the OM. We were both married with dc, me for 15 years and him for 4 years.

We both worked together and were good friends and started an emotional affair, but not physical. After 3 months we realised we wanted to be together and started what was the most hellest time of our lives - splitting up two families / marriages. I guess you know that you and your dc / ex etc are in for a long journey. 5 years on and I have learnt so much.

Anyway, I don't want to make this about me.

Mrsx3 · 15/09/2016 09:50

Oh and as for confronting the OW, my dh's ex did this to me. She came to my house and I just shut the door when i saw it was her as my dc were in the house and I didnt' want an argument. This enraged her even more and she started screaming and shouting at me through the door and even kicking it. I was still living with my exdh at the time, he saw this and called the police. She ended up with the police turning up at her house in front of her dc and was arrested. This obviously made her even more enraged.

Things get out of hand so quickly when emotions run high, i've seen it. And i've seen the consequences. I think you have your dignity in tact right now which gives you the upper hand.

UptheAnty · 15/09/2016 13:44

mrsx*

How nice that onits thread has helped you.
I am a little confused though, perhaps you can help me--are you posting to support onit or her lcb and the ow on their "journey"?

It's onits thread and I don't want to derail and I certainly don't talk for her so I won't say want I want to. fuck off under your rock

Onit,
Please don't meet with her or go to see her. Any contact you have with her will provide her with authenticity. She is not fit to lick your boots. She is nothing to you - nobody.

Mrsx3 · 15/09/2016 13:55

UptheAnty - I was posting because I have been following onits thread since they started and i wanted to comment how strong and together she has been and how i admire her for it. Having been in a similar situation I know how emotions run high and what a big life changing event this is. I wanted to comment how lucky her children are as she has been so strong for them.

Telling someone to fuck off under a rock is a bit harsh. I hope i haven't caused onit any upset. OP and her dc / ex etc are in for a rough ride, I merely commented that it had helped me process my own journey.

UptheAnty · 15/09/2016 14:04

^^
Mrs X
You were NOT in a similar situation.
I think under the circumstances I have shown considerable restraint.

My comment to you stands.

except when you fuck of under the rock from which you crawled can you fuck off again some more

Mrsx3 · 15/09/2016 14:12

I did not say i was in a similar situation. I said what a strong and admirable person she seemed and that I had found her threads help me process things in my life.

UptheAnty · 15/09/2016 14:14

Onit,

Mrs X demonstrates perfectly why you should (perhaps) reconsider a conversation with ow.
The Ow could be quite self involved- it may be all about her. The inability to be self reflective and understand the impact of her actions and the damage it leaves on others can be destructive to you. There is the possibility that the ow doesn't take any responsibility and that she blames you just like lcb.

Mrsx3 · 15/09/2016 14:19

Onit,

Hopefully I have demonstrated why confronting the OW is not a good idea, in my case it led to the ex wife getting a criminal record, which was needless and didn't achieve anything and only made things worse.

I'm sorry if my post was upsetting as UptheAnty has suggested. I merely wanted to say well done you and that I thought you seemed like such a strong, clever and admirable person.

Mix56 · 15/09/2016 19:17

Mrsx3, you have to admit, that it is ironical, having been the OW..... Like, no one is going to say "well done, you have got to grips with the hurt you managed to cause, (with the willing bastard)"

BlossomHillOne · 16/09/2016 05:31

Mrs X I am astounded by your complete lack of self-awareness. You could have told onit how strong you thought she was without reference to the marriage you destroyed - how can you possibly imagine that your comments would help.

myfriendnigel · 16/09/2016 06:43

Quite blossom.
Odd thing for someone to post on this thread.
Anyway onit I suppose only you can decide if it's a good idea or not. Are you likely to see the ow out and about do you think? As if so it might be worth it to get it over with in a controlled way? Maybe.

Original poster
onitlikeacarbonnet · 16/09/2016 13:36

It's unlikely I'd see her around. I would have to make an effort to see her.
I think Mrs X has helped me to see that that effort would be a waste of my time, so I guess I should thank her for that. I will not comment again about her or her situation.

I was actually coming to update a little.
I'm reeling from a £700 legal bill. I wasn't expecting it but, on the plus side, I've spent so much money in the last couple of weeks that the next trip to the lawyer will be on legal aid.
I'm starting to get seriously worried about my finances.

OP posts:
Original poster
onitlikeacarbonnet · 16/09/2016 14:25

Think my hopes of replacing the manky 30 year old kitchen have just died a death Sad

OP posts:
PurpleThursday · 16/09/2016 15:02

Onit. One day at a time. You are doing marvellously. I know how those legal fees are a killer. I'm reeling from my own at the moment, they are your unfortunate price for freedom though. IKEA do some pretty decent cheap kitchens and interest free credit last time I looked. May be worth a look. BrewCake Keep strong.

TheMshipIsBack · 16/09/2016 15:17

I have been lurking on your threads for a while, onit, and wanted to tell you how amazing I think you're doing. And one maybe useful thing, which is to take it slow about replacing the kitchen even if you do find you have the money unexpectedly. If it's not an actual health hazard, it's often best to live with what you've got for several months minimum so you can really see what works and what doesn't. I second purple's Ikea recommendation, especially if anyone in your circle is good at DIY. Taking out an old kitchen isn't too hard for amateurs, and you can do a lot of the prep work (e.g. painting walls, assembling cabinets) yourself, and get a pro installer to do the hard bits. Good luck!

myfriendnigel · 16/09/2016 16:19

Well if you aren't going to see her in all likelihood maybe give it a swerve as you've said. Why give her any sort of satisfaction?
My situation is different as I have to see the woman at least once a sodding week.
Legal bills are bloody extortionate.and all to sort out a situation that isn't your fault. I try not to dwell on it as it makes me ragey.
Chalk paint for the kitchen to brighten it up a bit until you can afford to replace?

Mix56 · 16/09/2016 17:03

My SIL bought a kitchen for £1 on eBay ! they had to go to collect it, (it was all dismounted.) they paid someone to fit it, & she repainted it. Stunning !

In the mean time you can repaint the cupboards, re line the shelves, & maybe look at a new top ? Ikea, among others, sell the tops, & you can get them cut to measure in DIY shops.

Original poster
onitlikeacarbonnet · 16/09/2016 17:29

It's really battered chipboard doors which have delaminates in bits and been chewed by dogs or scratched by cats. Not really paintable. And the carcasses aren't great either.
But, it's me that sees it not the DC so it'll have to do a bit longer.
I'll spend a little on their rooms and the living room/dining area. And live with the rest.
I was planning selling my engagement ring but I was offered £400 for it. It's still selling for £2.5k Shock
Anyone know the best place to sell jewellery? Guessing the guy I asked only offered me the gold value and failed to see the carat of diamonds twinkling at him Hmm

OP posts:
ProseccoBitch · 16/09/2016 20:15

Have you got a good quality local auction house? That would be a good place to try for the ring, you'll pay commission but should reach the right people.

Original poster
onitlikeacarbonnet · 16/09/2016 20:32

I'll look into that Prosecco thanks

OP posts:
Dowser · 16/09/2016 21:01

Hated those legal bills too. All £7.5k of them.

Every time my solicitor wrote a letter, email or rang me...it all had a price tag.
I even got charged for 20 minutes thinking time...but she did her stuff...and got me a good deal but it's very stressful.

I understand how you feel about the ow. I was a proper bunny boiler. If I'd gone round I'd have hit them ...just out of sheer rage...which would have been stupid as I didn't want him back.

Good job I didn't cross that line.

Dowser · 16/09/2016 21:03

Could you look on free cycle for anyone getting rid of a kitchen.

UptheAnty · 17/09/2016 07:40

You've accomplished a hell of a lot onit in a short space of time. Moving alone makes you hemmorage money jack that up with legal bills..no wonder you're swaying. However, this frantic spending is temporary- remember that. If you can pull through this vaquely intact you'll be able to start replenishing your finances.
BrewCake