Anyone up? DH is leaving me follow up thread. Onit's on it!!

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Link to my last thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2658829-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me?msgid=62446916

I bet you are Kirk

Just back from spending the weekend with my mum and step dad - they are so happy together, he is the loveliest man ever, they have such a happy, lovely life together, they are such good and kind people, I'm so proud of and pleased for them. And for me, as I got to see what a good relationship is and should be.

She went through utter crap with Dad but she was so strong and now she is so happy and it's lovely to see

and s all round

Thinking of you tonight onit

Thank you kitten

I'm so focused on keeping the DC stable and happy, the logistics of moving and the numbers involved in the split.
Now I've got a tiny bit of headspace, I'm starting to realise what I've lost.
LCB wasn't always as he is now. We loved each other once. I'm still in love with the man he used to be. I want that man back. I miss him. And I miss the me I was back then too.
I don't think I've been happy for a long time but I can remember when I was and it was all about him.
I'm not convinced I'll ever be that happy again. I certainly won't have the capacity to trust so purely ever again. I'm questioning everyone's motives now; none more so than my own. I know this happened because of his behaviour but I'm still culpable for what put him in a position to feel that. If I'd loved him enough he wouldn't have been looking elsewhere. I didn't prioritise him. Or us. I'm not sure we even made my list. That makes me responsible.

I'm not just realising this. But I've been pushing it away in order to keep going. It's getting harder to ignore.

Onit
I know what you mean because I have felt the same recently. I have been questioning myself and others a lot more than I ever did. It really is not a nice feeling of not being able to trust people especially someone who has been part of your life so long. Your story is so similar to mine it is scary.
I too miss my STBXH but I miss what we were, who he was. There is no way I can miss who he is now. He has changed beyond recognition.
I too have started looking at what 'I' did wrong. I know I had my own issues that I could have dealt with better. But everyone keeps telling me that at the end of the day it doesn't matter how bad your marriage was, that does not give either person the right to go to someone else. You either try and solve you problems together or you leave before looking for someone else. I know it's difficult but that's what I have to keep telling myself.
At the end of the day please don't beat yourself up. You don't deserve what he has done. Everything that has happened is because of what he has done not you. He chose to look elsewhere.

I know it's his fault catty
But I will always wonder if I could've tried harder, made more effort, been more appreciative of his stresses.
Rationally, I know I did the best I could with the information I had. He NEVER said he was unhappy. Certainly not to the extent he was considering leaving.
I never said I wasn't happy but my unhappiness was with myself and my health and the impact that was having on family life.
Unfortunately for us, by the time I was well enough to begin tackling that, he had detached himself from me (us) and couldn't appreciate my efforts or see the difference it was making to me and the dcs lives and would've to his if he'd actually been around.
I was looking into the bright future for all of us and ignoring the nagging in my gut that he was cheating.
Maybe if I'd called him on it the minute I suspected, I could've got him to fight? I doubt it. But I'll never know. He's created his backstory to justify his behaviour and I'm sure he believes it.
I wish I could be so certain about my version. I question every little thing I did and didn't do since the morning he walked back into our room after spending those hours alone with her. When I knew something had happened. When I felt the shift. I lost him that morning between the hours of 4am and 8am. He started his affair in that time and decided we weren't worth fighting for. I don't think I could've got him back from that moment. But I'll always wonder.

There are two people in a marriage and neither person is faultless or without some responsibility.
I have behaved incredibly badly at times throughout my marriage. I'm a good person and I love my dh we have been together a long time. We have had issues in the past. We almost broke up, the most serious bolt of horror enveloped me as I started to come out of my fog and look at myself. Wow, what an eye opener that was. The truth is, I just wasn't that nice to him sometimes, really took him and our life together for granted. This epiphany wasn't just mine- dh had his own about his behaviour and our life together....
So we worked on our marriage and ourselves and as a result have a more mature, communicative respectful relationship with each other.
The reason I'm telling you this onit is to demonstrate a another situation where it wasn't perfect, nobody was behaving particularly well within the marriage - sometimes people don't. Good people, kind people who love and respect others. Nobody is perfect.
Marriage is supposed to be a lifetime, forever. If we all sat down and reflected at length on our own behaviour over a period of years none of us would come out of it particularly well on occasion I'm sure.
What is supposed to happen in a marriage is that you try to address these issues - issues that everyone goes through as the marriage evolves - illness, dc, family & work balance etc etc.

What good, decent people don't do is fuck a married friend and break up families while telling his dw it's her fault - for any reason.
You hold NO responsibility for his disgusting behaviour.

I'm sure on reflection there are things you would do different. Use what you've learned about yourself and love and human relationships to develop yourself into an even better version of the already brilliant you.

Sorry for the epic post

Not at all Up, it's appreciated.

And it's all true.
And so sad.

I'm glad you and your dh got through it. It makes me happier to know that it's a cycle that can be broken.
I wish he'd given me a slightly smaller sparkler before the OW rocket up my ass.

I would've fought. I've proved I have that strength. I just wish he'd given me the opportunity to show him.

It's so sad to me that your lcb had no idea how lucky he was to have all that he had. I know the realisation will come to him if not already- soon.
But it's to late.
You are grieving onit because you realise that value.
His behaviour is not a reflection on your value- you must remember this... It's a reflection on HIM.
You are entering a different process onit where you are turning inwardly, none of us are particularly unique, this is quite usual. Be kind to yourself, you deserve kindness.
Very rarely have I read a thread or known someone in real life who have conducted themselves as brilliantly as you have.

FYI, I was very ill for 4 years. My DH didn't really emotionally support me during that time, not like I needed. I considered leaving and I was definitely at risk of having an affair. But when I realised that I decided I would address the issues within my marriage. If I couldn't figure it out I would go.

Still married, still figuring it out, but I didn't go off with someone else. And I was the ill one, feeling like I wasn't being looked after well enough and actually frightened for my future. Not the perfectly healthy one feeling slightly neglected because no one is flirting with him.

Just another perspective.

You are probably right onit-there are probably things that you, as all of us, could look back on and wish we we'd done differently. But if you allow yourself to focus on those things too much, over and above identifying them and using them as a learning tool to guide your behaviour in the future, you will be doing yourself a disservice. Please don't start to believe his version of what happened-it's hard not to when someone states it so strongly and seems to believe it themselves. That's his truth, not the truth.
You are grieving and that's natural. But within all that, you can also celebrate yourself and how you've handled this-certainly much better than most people, definitely better than me. In your darkest hours allow that to give your some strength, because you know that whatever happens you have come so far.
Thinking of you onit.

You have been so strong. What a kick in the teeth, from the person that you loved & trusted above anyone else.
Your health problem was not of your making. He got tired & frustrated not knowing how, or if or when you would recover. In his mind, it was all about you, & he was the martyr & bailed out. Pitiful & shallow.
He couldn't keep his dick in his Y fronts when the Viper made her moves on him.

He had better be lighting candles every Sunday, that his own health doesn't falter......... because The OW won't be doing "in sickness or in health".

How are you doing onit?

I'm up to my eyeballs packing for move on Friday. But totally stressing as the sale and therefore my purchase aren't finalised because some paperwork isn't sufficient for my buyers solicitors. Going to be Thursday before I know for definite we're moving!
He's signed the legal document to give me his share of profit so I can buy my house but I'm worried as the difference has more or less wiped out my savings/safety net.
LCB is coming at some unspecified point to collect the last 2 big bits of furniture he has. One of which is our first bed.
I may have taken a pair of scissors to the back of the headboard yesterday and carved something not nice into
I'm sure I'll get into trouble for that but it felt very good at the time.
Emotions are high. I'm crying a lot. I think it's the combination of pressure to pack and clean whilst keeping the DC in a vague routine for school and oblivious to my fragile emotional state.
I have my cousin helping me out and that's been great as she just keeps putting stuff in boxes when I break down. I have so many thoughts it has been paralysing me at times.
DC are excited about moving but I'm just anxious. And angry that I'm doing this alone.
I'll try to check in later.

Oh, mate. My heart goes out to you. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

I have been lurking on your threads - you are amazing. Keep going and call on any sources of support you can.

He's been and taken his stuff. I'm not sure if he saw what I did but he didn't mention it. Maybe because he had a guy with him who has a van.
He's gone to pick up a few bits from my dsis's garage now and when I passed over her keys I told him when I moved I didn't want him to come any closer than my gate. I can't look him in the eye. He looks like a puppy who shit in the bath.
I have to go and get the DC from school now.

I have been lurking too and have been massively impressed by your capabilities through such a wretched time. Don't worry about the wobbles, you have some extreme emotions that need to come out, all part of the shit process. But know that the worst is over, grit your teeth a little bit longer and dig deep. You have a life of wonderful opportunities ahead of you and you deserve every single one of them. Sending strength and

You've done so well. I am nicking your description 'emotions are high' for future shit massively upsetting unfair exhausting traumatising days. May I deal with them with your grace.

Keep going, keep going, keep going. You've done amazingly so far, and I know you will continue to do so.

He looks like a puppy who shit in the bath - that's because he has.

Keep going onit...

I'll be thinking of you regularly & sending you love & strength through my amazing mind skills.

And the Lcb is a cunt. I hate him.

Soon enough - you'll feel...meh about him.

I look forward to that time

am very much hoping the inscription on the back said,
"Remember your children were conceived in this bed, with the woman you promised to love & support in sickness & in health....
I hope it makes him & trollop spit nails !

You are so strong. Keep going .

Hope all goes well for Friday.

He took the bed...pathetic!

Kitten catkins..I think you are my daughter.

Of course emotions are high onit-moving is stressful enough in regular circumstances never mind what you're going through. Id say a bit of alteration to the bed frame is letting him off fairly lightly to be honest and perfectly acceptable in this situation.

Not long now and you will be in your little house with your lovely kids. And then his impact on you will start to decrease until you no longer give a fuck...meanwhile I'm pretty sure he'll be kicking himself.
I've name changed recently by the way-but I've posted on here a fair bit, and I feel weirdly (given that I don't know you from Adam in RL) very proud of you. You are quite the inspiration.You've done amazingly. Really.