Anyone up? DH is leaving me follow up thread. Onit's on it!!

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Link to my last thread.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2658829-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me?msgid=62446916

Can't believe he did that to you.

He has too much time off.

At least by moving you are wiping the slate clean.

It would be much easier if you dididnf have to see him (same here). You are right, at least when you are in some sort of routine you can plan for it.
What a knob for not even being able to give you half an hour to enjoy a big moment in your child's life. Add that to the list of reasons you are better off without him onit.

I wouldn't have asked him not to go. She's his baby too. But, he could've just left me to my thoughts afterwards.

He has got too much time Dowser. Though the 2 school pick ups he's got (which he pretty much demanded then, when I offered them, started whining they were inconvenient) should put a stop to that. I'm supposed to feel sorry for him needing to work 7-6 on the other 3 days
The ow works evenings though so I guess he'll have his plotting time then. I wonder how long she'll be happy with this arrangement and not being first in line for his time. Esp given he'll be busy EOW and holidays.

I'm not sure if it's that he's not ready to move on, mix, or if he just wants to keep control. He's used to me being the decision maker wrt the DC but not with anything else. I don't think he realises that I'm not going to keep agreeing with him on other matters because I'm putting myself and my DC first and not our family as a whole. I used to along with a lot just for an easy life . And, whether he likes it or not, his opinions are not important to me anymore on things which affect me. If anything, his expressing his opinion is mostly going to make me look at choosing any other possible alternative because he won't have given my best interests any thought.
He doesn't know my circumstances and, because I'm not crumbling, he thinks I'm shafting him. He's never seen the woman I am now. I think I scare him. The only threat he has is money and that's only for a few months more. After that, if he uses it as a weapon, he knows he'll hurt the DC as much as me.

"the family as a whole" no longer exists. He is not included. I doubt he is ready for that in reality.
So yes, just a bit longer, & don't back down on the school runs, make him responsible for the w/e & evenings, he cannot just back out because its inconvenient !.... do not be walked over. He has tried blackmail to get the extra visits etc. Now he will have to suck it up

Are you still FB "friends" with him and her? If so, bin them. You don't need to see their stuff.

He is a nasty piece of work. I'm glad you walked away from him. You have no need to listen to his crap. He does sound very controlling.

Tbh when you move into your new house I would insist that he picks the kids up at the gates. He has no right to be in your new home . I wouldnt let him through the front door.

Yes mix, I think I'll have plans at 3pm on the days he's due to pick up. The only option he's got to help out other than me is his mum who's an hour away and had already made clear to me before the split that she wouldn't cover pick ups on my 4pm finish at work on the day she used to watch DC if I couldn't change my contract.
Obviously LCB would've done that and, if the contact schedule works out till I go back to work, it's one of the days I've rota'd him in for pick up.
He also has the inconvenience of travelling to conferences a few times a year.
I'll obviously do what the DC need but, if he can't make time for a scheduled visit I won't be offering any more swaps.

Definitely have him pick them up at the gate.
Your house is your new sanctuary.
Till my divorce came through, he still had access and used it as my grandson lived here and he used to babysit him.

He said I'd made a good job of the house. I just ignored him . I'd gone past the speaking to him stage.

It was a lovely day when I could keep him on the other side of my front door.
I had to get a new one. The other one had cracked so it was a good excuse not to give him a key.

Once you are in your own little palace you'll start to fell much better.

I'm sure all his carping is about losing control onit. He won't like that. It might also be the beginning of him starting to regret his choices. I don't think he thought this would be what happened-and that's your ultimate revenge my love.

I think there's a bit of jealousy and bitterness that things appear to be falling into place for me; my health, my weight, the house selling and the new house. Also I'm sure he's being treated differently by mutual friends and his family and he will simultaneously hate people knowing he's not the great guy they all thought he was, and be relishing the martyrdom of nobody understanding that it's me that's driven him to it. And that ow is his saviour

Absolutist to all of those things. I just don't think they think it through regarding all those points and then find it very hard to deal with-rap silly when they are in a phase of having their ego hugely boosted by the ow. It makes them even more angry to be questioned or challenged by your not conforming to what they expected, as it goes against what the ow is telling them-that they're the big I am...

And he's back to trying to unsettle me.
I'm 10 days from moving. He still won't sign the disposition until he's seen the sale agreement. It should be ready in the next couple of days but his delaying tactics could affect not only the sale of the family home, but my purchase too. He knows this. He could potentially make the DC and me homeless (though I think he'd actually love that)

I had almost decided not to ask him to contribute to the cost of my movers. I did because it's costing more than I'd thought it would and, if he was still here, we had talked about using movers this time for the first time. I didn't ask in an entitled way just a "would you like to help out given I don't have a choice but to pay for help" kind of way. And his response was to restart the argument about how much maintenance he's willing to pay after we move. I had thought this had been done and dusted. He also suggested he'd be more likely to help if I arranged for them to move and deliver to him the last 2 (large and very heavy) pieces of furniture he wants.
I told him I had a quote based on what I had to move. That extra items and a second delivery would probably add to that.
Then I said I wasn't going to discuss the other thing.
At least not 10 days before I move house. And maybe he should arrange to pick up the furniture before I move.

God, I fucking hate him

Does he not realise that the money he gives me will be used to make our dcs new home more comfortable for them, and yes, for me as well. If he forces me into using all my dads inheritance and then relying on benefits, that will affect the DCs standard of living more than mine. They're already moving into a home that's probably half the size of our current house and in a significantly worse state of repair, decoration, area etc. than we were all anticipating. Ds especially remembers the 5 bed detached house in the upmarket new estate with the great school and says he'd rather live there than "the wee house" we saw.
I'm sure the DC will love it regardless but it makes me angry that he seems willing to hurt them in order to punish me for whatever it is he thinks I've done to him.
Other than sticking up for myself and calling him out on his shitty behaviour, I'm not sure what he's trying to achieve. I wish I knew.

He probably doesn't even know himself onit. I think it will
Just be the feeling that his world is upside down and you are moving on without him that he doesn't like. Even though he was the instigator he won't like that you are doing so well to have even got this far.
If the worst comes to the worst and you have to use your savings, at least you will still be able to move and that's the focus. I don't think he will even have the balls to derail that at this stage. And he can bluster about maintenance all he likes really-you can see him in court if that's what he wants.
It's a shame he can't even just stop hindering you for a second-he's got what he thought he wanted.Any decent person would sign what needs to be signed, then fuck off and leave you to get on....
My best advice would be to call him, ask when he will be doing whatever needs to be done and remain cold as ice when you do so. If he tries to talk
About anything else just say you haven't called to talk about that but are happy to later on and leave it at that.
Hopefully he will see sense.
I've said it before op, but I'll say it again-you are doing great...10 days til your new life can begin-Not long now.

He wanted you to collapse without him onit. You didn't and he hated this. He is just being awkward for awkwards sake. His dirty little fantasy of having everthing rosy with ow whilst you still fawn over him hasn't worked out. 9 sleeps and he can piss right off.

Exactly what the last two posters have said. How low can he stoop?

I must admit I'm struggling to deal with my feelings while packing up our home.
It feels like I'm packing up my life into boxes and newspaper and I haven't any confidence in myself to unpack at the other side and be able to keep going.
I'm going now because I have a deadline. Once we move in not convinced I'll be able to stay motivated.
All I'm envisioning is a dramatic loss of standard of living and the huge struggle to mitigate that so it doesn't affect my DC.
I'm in such an unreal bubble right now and I'm coping because I have to.
I'm just so sad. I haven't cried properly in a while and now I've started I'm not sure I'm coping at all.
I just want to get off.

A www. Best of luck with that.
It's been a whirlwind for you.

Things will calm down.
Youre stepping into the unknown bonnet . It's bound to be scary.

My bf phoned and I've had a good cry to her. Feeling a bit better now.
Just wish this week was done now.

This is just the very beginning for you and DC.

My dad split with mum - he had an affair and had secret children abroad he didn't tell us about for YEARS. He then went on to fuck up his life with bad decision after bad decision and now has no money, a FOURTH wife who he has little in common with and at least four children who no longer speak to him because he is a horrible selfish self-serving liar.

My mum is happily loved up with my step dad of 25 years, they have two mortgage free properties, a lovely, happy, loving life together and I love him way more than my shitty duplicitous still in denial about everything he's done biological father.

We were skint for ages but mum (like you) was ace and now she's beyond sorted money and life wise.

So don't you worry a bit!

Onit. Take it day by day. Once you are in the new house, you will unpack & decide what room you are going to make nice first. This may be children bedrooms, or cosy communal space, kitchen or living room. Somewhere clean & comfortable. you can wash down stuff, you can paint a wall a day....
The kids are with you, its your new beginning, an adventure.
Tosser will be out of it, it is not his space, Do not let him in or give him access even for a coffee. I mean it. He doesn't need to know if its nice or not, all he needs to know is its yours, you chose it, it doesn't have the same prestige, but is better in other ways that you wanted.
Onwards & upwards, you have been so strong, not surprising his bullshit hurts you (as he intends) & you have the blues from time to time.

Nice post from kitten.
So pleased for your mum.min a similar situation to her and life's great.

Keep going onit.
You're doing so fantastically well. I don't think you realise how much you are accomplishing and how amazingly protective and assertive you are being for your dc.
Once you are in your house you will know that it is done, over , you got the 3 of you where you would be safe and secure for a happy future.
I suspect that when you're in your house you may fall apart a little as you allow yourself some space to grieve.
Give yourself that onit. Allow yourself what you need for a short while.

I think that's what's happening now UptheAnty.
The DC are back at school and I'm on my own a lot and, though I'm busy packing, it means I'm looking at everything I own and realising that I don't actually own anything that he hasn't had a hand in. It is making me more emotional than I thought I'd be. The anger of my current situation is what's keeping me going but it's not anger I feel when I'm wrapping up things we were given as wedding presents or the Christmas decorations.

It's bound to be very emotional onit. You didn't ask for this and you didn't want it.and yet you are being forced to deal with an immensely stressful situation. It's sad and it's horrible. That's the truth of it. But eventually, at some point in the future you will feel a bit better, then better still. And you will realise that to man you thought he was doesn't exist.and that you are better off without him. I know it sounds trite. And it all seems massive and impossible right now.but look how far you've come. You've got this, one step at at time, you can do this.

Kitten what lovely words of reassurance I hope I am like your mum ❤️