I am sure I did the right thing - but marriage might be over

[rememberthetime]

Our teenage daughter suffers with a mental health condition and has been seeing a specialised therapist. part of her problem is that she cannot sleep outside of our home as it causes her huge anxiety tot he point she will be in hysterics for most of the night. Tonight H and I were due to take our older child to London and stay over and had arranged to leave younger DD with her Nan. We had assumed she was better (due to the therapy) and we hoped it would be a chance for her to prove how she ahs improved. She had a complete meltdown last night and literally begged me not to make her go. She was hugely upset and distressed and I just knew it wasn't right to do this to her for the sake of a night in a hotel.

I told DH I couldn't go and that he would have to go alone. I didn't feel it fair to palce the burden of a mentally unwell child on my MIL and that we could make things worse. he didn't take it well.

We are doing counselling for our marriage and had agreed to trying to "co-parent" effectively. Part of this has been agreeing to how we would deal with things. We had agreed to sending DH to her nans and he has stuck to that. he thinks I have given in and let myself down because my own "stuff" about my childhood influenced my decision.

he uses a lot of psychobabble when he talks to me and I end up feeling wrong and misguided. But in this case i think I did the right thing. She is not ready yet and I just couldn't put his needs ahead of hers. She is a child and he is an adult. But he cannot forgive me and is not speaking to me. He wants me to "think about what I have done" and the how huge it is in how it has set back out process of healing our marriage.

For background - he is a recovering controller. I am usually scared to go against what he wants, but felt strong enough to do what i thought best in this case. Even though i have placed myself in the position of blame.

I have asked the question on the mental health board about if I did the right thing for my daughter and i am sure i did. I can't put her through that and i am supposed to protect her. But is my DH right to be angry at me? Do I deserve to be treated badly by him because i put her first and destroyed our "co-parenting" deal.

There was no way he would have allowed her to do anything other than what we had planned. I have never seen him change his mind on anything once he has decided a course of action.

So I am home alone tonight and he has gone by himself. We have another counselling session later in the week and I expect to be accused of all sorts.

I disagree with you, actually. Just because people are family doesn't mean you owe them anything. If a family member is toxic or abusive, it is crucial to protect yourself, and to reduce or even cut contact if necessary. Of course we'll give someone more chances if they're family - but being related is not a free pass to treat someone badly.

OP would you mind saying if this was a Relate counsellor or not? It's just that I've always suspected a lot of them were poorly trained and shit and this would support that!

She is talking absolute bollocks and clearly doesn't recognise this dynamic. Fuck it off and go back to your previous individual counselling.

Remember, I do the same. Always try to see the best in people. I've only just realised that it's not that good a trait to have.

For example when everyone was up in arms about the leniency of Oscar pistoriois sentence, I'm watching the news, seeing the pictures and thinking 'but he can't have meant it and probably thought there was an intruder in their home.'

Every time there is a similar thing I look for reasons why it probably wasn't as bad or there are plausible reasons or that they just didn't do it.

I think it's probably a result of conditioning myself to think my parents weren't all that bad, when in actual fact my childhood was beyond shit and I was in a MH hospital as a young teenager because of them.

Even when I read threads about abusive partners, I have to check my thinking as I start trying to find reasons for the abusers behaviour.

Sometimes people are just shitty people who won't change.

YOu are right Lunar - as sad as that might be...

The counsellor was previously trained by relate and now works on her own. The idea she was telling us about was from a book written in the 80's - which she loved and kept on about. DH loved it too. I started reading it and gave up because of the old fashioned ideas and language. It was also written by men and had no reference to abuse within a marriage. I also suggested that children should have tough love... not something I agreed with.

Don't want to denigrate her though as she knows her stuff and when it comes to communication issues she was helpful - just not when it came to a controlling relationship.In that case the advice given was actually harmful.

I think you are probably trying to see the best in a crappy councillor too to be honest!

She may well be good in some areas but she's not a good fit for you.

Many Relate counsellors have only basic training in couples therapy. A 'proper' counsellor will generally have trained for several years, have to attend CPD regularly to keep knowledge up to date and be informed by several different theoretical approaches, or at least one very thoroughly.

For me, using a Relate counsellor is a bit like taking your car to a kwik fit garage. It's easy, you've heard of it and it's convenient. OK if you want something easy and basic. But if you have a more complex issue, or want something more in depth, better to do some research and find a more experienced and knowledgable service.

Sorry that's a really shit analogy but you get the gist hopefully!

Apologies for dredging up an old thread - but now many weeks later I can finally tell you that my daughter and I are living on our own and have been for 5 weeks.

After our holiday I told my H that I hadn't changed my mind and we set about sorting things out. I got a credit card to pay for what I needed, I found a flat (not easy when you are self employed!), I sourced second hand furniture and frecycled kitchen stuff, we told the kids (hardest day of my life) and we moved out.

As expected my son stayed with his dad - but he is in his last year at college and didn't feel like uprooting himself for the sake of one year.

I found it liberating for the first 4 weeks, then H announced he has started dating and I went into a melt down. The last week has been super hard and thats why I re read this thread. i wanted to remind myself of why.

I have to remind myself of what I have achieved. I am living in a lovely flat, my daughter is really happy almost all the time, I am managing with the finances and tomorrow I sign the paperwork to get a car! I haven't even driven for a year since I passed my test because he refused to prioritise getting me a car. Yet I can afford it on one income...

MY counsellor says i am transformed and my friend is totally amazed at what I have done.

I am not saying it isn't hard. I am sickened by him deciding to date at this early stage as I think it dismisses the kids feelings and mine. But I am coming to terms with it. After a 16 year marriage and 18 years together i thought that he would wait longer than 4 weeks.

At the moment I am doing no contact. DD refuses any contact with him at all...still. it must hurt him but he refuses to aknowledge it just keeps texting her to tell her how much he loves her. yet refuses to engage with her about why she hates him. I explained he needs to apologise to her an he doesn't get why.

Anyway - this thread was the saving of me tonight. just when i was feeling like "why did I put myself thru this?" I was reminded of why. thank you for your kind words and advice up thread if you responded because it is messages like those that got me out and made me feel like a fully functioning (if a little broken) self confident person.

A daughter will only ever have one mother. A man can always get another wife.

You did the right thing

I didn't see your thread originally but have just read it right through.

You have done the right thing, without a doubt. Your daughter is, quite rightly, your priority and what you have done for her and her state of mind is amazing

Well done and it's good that you re-read the thread, records like this thread can be excellent in showing you how far you have come.
I didn't see this thread when your first posted but read the whole thread this eve.
Your inital situation with your daughter really struck me. We have a large family with lots going on but when one of us is distressed, DP and I stop and focus on the distress. Then pick up and carry on. No analysis, no psychobable and no blame.
You have done so well, leaving that bollocks has hopefully has freed you and your daughter.

'Think about what you have done'?

FFS

He may be a recovering controllerbut perhaps he should be doing his recovery on his own - on a remote island...

Gah - sorry. That will teach me to not RTFT.

Keep on keeping on,OP. Leave him to his meltdown - on his remote island...

I clicked on this thread, read the first few lines and thought wait a minute, I recognise this!

Well done to you! And your daughter. She sounds like she's doing amazingly well.

4 weeks is very quick! No wonder you feel all over the place after hearing that. Easier said than done but try and not give it any more headspace than just acknowledging it.

It sounds like you're doing a tremendous job, keep up the good work!

Op I'm so pleased for you and your children. I felt sick and anxious reading the thread and so happy that you've left. You can relax and be yourself, as can your children.

Well done OP! Didn't see your original thread but that's great news.

Dating after 4 weeks will at least partly be to annoy / upset you (attempt to continue to control you).

He won't feel the same as you do about the significance of an 18 year relationship. He will just be angry that two people who were supposed to do what he wanted at all times have rejected his authority.

He's not understanding of her condition and he isn't a reformed controller. He's still a selfish, aggressive, manipulative bully and growing up with one of those won't be helping your children, especially if one of them has an anxiety disorder.

I doubt he will end your marriage over this as it's far to good a stick beating opportunity to pass up.

Your confusion stems entirely from your past appeasement of his bullying. You can not co-parent with a bully if you arent totally clear where your boundaries are, why you need them and are prepared to defend them. This man is clearly telling you that his wants are more important than your DD's needs and he is entitled to punish you in any way he sees fit (including involving your children), to remind you that he is the priority.

This is who he is and who he'll probably will always be and it's time you let go of the fantasy of him being any different.

I read the first page of this thread and wanted to shout why are you putting yourself and your DD through living with this abusive man to the point that it is causing her mental health problems. So glad to read your update OP.

Missed the update and boy what a great one it was. Well done you!

Why the hell would such a self absorbed man wait 4 weeks! This man is the centre of his own universe and my sympathies are reserved for the poor unsuspecting woman who's been taken in. You and your DD however, will go from strength to strength and the changes in your DD say it all.

I wrote down all of the negative emotions I had internalised when I was with Ex and I look back at it now and I can't believe I wrote them but it's my handwriting so it must have been.

I was reading your thread and waiting say report the counsellor and leave your H. Great to see your update. Well done for leaving - so difficult to do because thundercunts like this absolutely fry your brain. The dating....predictable move. Ignore ignore ignore. For you

Great update, OP, well done.

I suspect that your Dd will come on in leaps and bounds, now that she is freed from his rules and fear of breaking them.

Of COURSE he is dating. How else can be feed his ego? He isn't having a relationship, he is using someone so that he has someone to control, and for ego fodder. Poor woman.

Good luck, OP. You have done fantastically.

The reason he's dating after such a short time is because he is driven to get his needs met before all else. If you aren't there to service his needs (be they sex, companionship, an emotional punch bag, etc) then his first instinct is not to reflect and grow as a person; rather to blindly seek another female shaped person to fill the gap. It's no reflection on you.

Well done, OP. bloody well done!!

Well done op x 100,000,000 I am in awe of you.
What an awesome woman you are.

YAY!!! SO glad to see your update - I was reading through the thread and thinking this man is appalling, leave, leave, leave, and you did! The fact that he is dating after 4 weeks just shows how right you were to leave.