tell me i need to get a grip/am in the wrong? DH and texting

[snowtuxedo]

DH's best childhood friend has just come out of a messy divorce. He is 45, same age as my DH.

He's going through a phase of heading to nightclubs in London, buying a table and champagne, and taking girls home.

He has invited DH along a few times, but I am 39 weeks pregnant, ready to pop and barely see DH with his job being what it is and him working away so much. Plus I wouldn't support DH going as a wing man for the purpose of picking up women.

Anyway, this was all very vague and irrelevant to me until I get a picture from DH of his friend sitting in his flat with two girls straddling him on each knee, everyone was clothed. He had sent it to my DH, then DH had captioned it something like "look what Dfriend is up to now..." and forwarded to me. The girls looked about 20 years old - (not underage, but DH's friend was definitely pushing a 25 year age difference.)

It made me a bit and I asked DH what his friend had been up to. He just said his friend had picked these girls up in a club, slept in a bed with them and nothing had happened. DH said he was rebounding and he found it all a bit pathetic. Fine - it's his friends' business, I thought. I asked a few more questions but DH was mostly unforthcoming, just brushed the questions off and kept repeating that it was a phase his friend was going through. I'm feeling huge and frumpy and I think maybe on some level I was worried DH would be jealous of his friend's freedom.

Well... I checked DH's phone earlier today (because I felt insecure.) DH leaves it unlocked and generally out, as I leave mine too. I looked at the conversation with his friend and it was basically lots and lots of sexual pictures of these girls naked, doing things to each other and him (his friend) and a blow-by-blow account of the "threesome" he had with them. Again this is none of my business, but it rings alarm bells with me that he is sharing these pics with DH, giving accounts of the sex to DH, that DH did not tell me the whole story and that DH is even willing to accept pictures like this. If a friend sent these to me, I would say ergh, no thanks...

Not that I have any RIGHT to know the whole story, obviously, as it is none of my business and I'm just being an insecure fool - right?

Plus although DH wasn't actively egging him on in his comments, there was definitely a "boy's club" mentality about the whole conversation. "Sometimes women are like this and sometimes women are like that. And sometimes they let you do this/that to them...And sometimes when they're really dirty they do this..."

I need to just let this whole thing well alone, don't I? Please be gentle, I think I am just hormonal and insecure...

We don't even know that
the impression I got from the DH's comment - "you're still up" suggests it wasn't an early one right?

the DH's comment - "you're still up"
You start with the DH saying "woah you were up late" and get to "they probably took uppers". You're making endless assumptions/conclusions which aren't justified. Like the latest one about them having been paid. Where on earth is the evidence for that?

I joined the thread to debate the OP's posts not your imagination. I'm bowing out now.

Also that they weren't in control
I didn't specifically say that - you are twisting my words to make it look like I am saying they were comatose.
hadn't thought through what they were doing
This I think is likely, because the whole event seems to fit into the narrative of a male middle-aged divorcee with something to prove. I can't imagine the whole thing was their idea, something they planned and 'thought through' - that would all be a little bit too neatly in line with the male fantasy world, wouldn't it?

Like the latest one about them having been paid. Where on earth is the evidence for that?
Probability in this scenario.

Anyway - I'd be interested in hearing from the OP what the background was - if there were drugs/booze involved, whether they were hostesses, etc.

Also - I don't get all this hand-wringing about alcohol and drugs.

Its pretty standard stuff isn't it on a night out these days - especially champagne bars where you book the table. Cocaine is pretty normal in such situations isn't it?

High rolling.......

I'm surprised people think its wrong to see your friends naked. ive seen my friends and family naked for 20 odd years from when we went camping together when we were teenagers to now when we go away for a weekend together, we all wander about naked in our hotel rooms even between hotel rooms at times etc. - naked bodies are normal. ive walked in on friends shagging when we were younger when we used to stay with each other, they've probably seen me shagging or doing something else of that nature... who cares really, we're all the same.

I don't think there is any question of consent here, sounds like the girls knew what they were getting into - you don't accidently sit at a table when someone is buying champagne then accidently go back to their house/hotel and accidently have a threesome with someone and then accidently allow someone to take lots and lots of pictures of you (If anything it sounds like the girls are escorts/prostitutes)

If you let someone take pictures of you naked you need to accept they are going to be shared. naked pictures never ever stay private. even once the pictures are deleted off a camera/phone they can still be recovered. In fact I know someone that bought a camera 2nd hand from a reputable 2nd hand store on the high street and they looked for deleted pics/movies on it and found some pictures and videos of an older woman shagging on holiday with a younger man, you seen the man setting up the camera then a bit of talking before they got sown to some action.

as for OPs DH - sounds like is friend is going through a mid life crisis and is trying to act big to hide his real feelings. your DH doesn't sound impressed by it all and is trying to play it down. I think if you go snooping you must expect to find something you don't like and accept it. you cannot expect other people to have the same moral standards as you can, you just need to accept it and move on because no matter who you are you will always have friends who do things that you don't find acceptable - absolutely everyone will be in that boat with no exceptions.

were up all night, I imagine there were some uppers in the mix too - otherwise they would have all crashed out.

FFS, Fuzzyeyes!! What the hell? So now he is plying them with drugs as well?!

You're not his ex-wife, are you??

I joined the thread to debate the OP's posts not your imagination. I'm bowing out now.
With you on that one,Giraffe. Totally ridiculous now.

If you let someone take pictures of you naked you need to accept they are going to be shared.

Um, no. You don't.

snowtuxedo we both have snow in our name!

It is pointless to continue arguing about what is acceptable or not to other posters, as the only ultimate issue is whether this behaviour is acceptable to you, snowtuexedo, as you are the one in this relationship.

As it happens, I would be appalled to find this on my husband's phone, regardless of the details. I think I would feel quite ill actually. These are my values, not necessarily other people's. But if you feel uncomfortable OP, you don't have to explain it or justify it to anyone.

What you can do about this I don't know though. Is it because you feel surprised at your husband agreeing to see this? That his values were not what you thought they were? I guess you could have a conversation about your disappointment with him? I really don't know what else to suggest.

of course you do - you cant control something you don't own - stop being so naïve!

Um, no. You don't

of course you do - you cant control something you do not own - stop being so naïve!