tell me i need to get a grip/am in the wrong? DH and texting

[snowtuxedo]

DH's best childhood friend has just come out of a messy divorce. He is 45, same age as my DH.

He's going through a phase of heading to nightclubs in London, buying a table and champagne, and taking girls home.

He has invited DH along a few times, but I am 39 weeks pregnant, ready to pop and barely see DH with his job being what it is and him working away so much. Plus I wouldn't support DH going as a wing man for the purpose of picking up women.

Anyway, this was all very vague and irrelevant to me until I get a picture from DH of his friend sitting in his flat with two girls straddling him on each knee, everyone was clothed. He had sent it to my DH, then DH had captioned it something like "look what Dfriend is up to now..." and forwarded to me. The girls looked about 20 years old - (not underage, but DH's friend was definitely pushing a 25 year age difference.)

It made me a bit and I asked DH what his friend had been up to. He just said his friend had picked these girls up in a club, slept in a bed with them and nothing had happened. DH said he was rebounding and he found it all a bit pathetic. Fine - it's his friends' business, I thought. I asked a few more questions but DH was mostly unforthcoming, just brushed the questions off and kept repeating that it was a phase his friend was going through. I'm feeling huge and frumpy and I think maybe on some level I was worried DH would be jealous of his friend's freedom.

Well... I checked DH's phone earlier today (because I felt insecure.) DH leaves it unlocked and generally out, as I leave mine too. I looked at the conversation with his friend and it was basically lots and lots of sexual pictures of these girls naked, doing things to each other and him (his friend) and a blow-by-blow account of the "threesome" he had with them. Again this is none of my business, but it rings alarm bells with me that he is sharing these pics with DH, giving accounts of the sex to DH, that DH did not tell me the whole story and that DH is even willing to accept pictures like this. If a friend sent these to me, I would say ergh, no thanks...

Not that I have any RIGHT to know the whole story, obviously, as it is none of my business and I'm just being an insecure fool - right?

Plus although DH wasn't actively egging him on in his comments, there was definitely a "boy's club" mentality about the whole conversation. "Sometimes women are like this and sometimes women are like that. And sometimes they let you do this/that to them...And sometimes when they're really dirty they do this..."

I need to just let this whole thing well alone, don't I? Please be gentle, I think I am just hormonal and insecure...

I think that this is a storm in a teacup. ! Your DH has not run off to join his best mate as his wingman. He has already stated that he finds it all a bit pathetic. Those saying 'he shouldn't accept these pictures' are just being peculiar. How on earth do you 'prevent' someone sending you a photo without blocking them ? He is an old friend. He is behaving like a dick, your DH seems to understand this. There is no issue. Enjoy last weeks of pregnancy with your DH , do not let this blight your happiness. It's nothing.

I think the biggest problem you have OP, (and has not yet been mentioned) is the gross invasion of his privacy by 'going through' his phone. Reading a conversation and viewing photos is not 'glancing and seeing by accident' it is intentional snooping. My DH and I do not have passwords/security on our phones but that is not an open invitation for him to read private conversations between me and my friends. I would be absolutely livid. The ONLY time this is acceptable is with the owners permission or there is a safety/major health need. MN is very fond of drumming home how important privacy is, then justifying why that does not apply to women with their partners phone . If you want to know something then ask him !
Women searching for proof of infidelity snoop on phones. They find the proof they 'need' or they don't. Either way there is such a poor level of trust, that the relationship is doomed. It is completely unacceptable behaviour. I would be very hesitant in admitting I had done this.

I feel sorry for the women.

I highly doubt they gave his friend permission to share the photos with randomers.

Speak with him and ask if he would be happy if you were receiving photos of naked men having sex with your friend via text. Reckon the answer would be no.
He needs to tell his friend tmi.
If they share they're sex lives like this what has dh told/sent him?!?!?

ExtraHotLatte those are your boundaries but you are not married to the OP's husband - she is. And so she has every right to say she finds it weird / upsetting / disrespectful / whatever.

Just because presumably you would accept this in your marriage doesn't mean we all should.

And yes it is weird to share pics showing his penis to his friend. Do you send that sort of pic of your own anatomy to your friends?! Totally weird, childish behaviour. Friend is acting like an immature, overly hormonal teenager. It is totally pathetic.

I don't think your DH is to blame here, (I can see why he didn't show you all the texts - ie. to protect you).
BUT I would be VERY pissed off with his friend's total lack of respect to women, particularly you, and how dare he try to embroil your DH in all of this skanky sh*t. What a sad man - he'll probably catch something as well if he carries on like that.

All the dh had to do was say: mate, don't want to see your hairy arse etc
If he did, fair enough- but if he was egging the mate on, then I'd think he's a right voyeristic creep.

I think your DH was just trying to avoid the conversation he is now going to have with you because you looked at his phone where he feels he has to comment on or judge his friend's behaviour and activities. He's already told you he finds it a bit pathetic and probably just wants to leave it at that.

Well no, he actively lied to the op- saying they just shared a bed- when in fact he had loads of shagging photos and an account of his friend having sex.

Op, it is weird.

Well he obviously thought your DH would be happy to see him having sex with two women who were only there because he paid them. Not your average friendship.

Is it possible the friend is testing the waters with your DH to see what his reaction is?

So for example, this time he sent photos, next time a video, then maybe 'why don't you come along?' Sort of thing. Like little boys egging each other on.

It could be that the friend is jealous of your relationship and the new baby, and he's trying to undermine that.

Everyone has their own boundaries and by posting it's clear this is testing yours. Nothing wrong with that if that's how you feel. What others are comfortable with is actually irrelevant, this is your relationship.

I would have a very frank conversation with your DH about this.

She, unlike you, can tell him what she is/isn't happy with & is free to leave if he's not willing to accept those terms.

I completely agree with you. And she's already said here that she's not happy about what she's seen / read.

It's not up to the OP to dictate what he's 'free to accept'

Except it is. See your own point above. It's called setting boundaries.

striking things out doesn't make them invisible. You said 'That would be really fucking weird'. Not really, a photo with two attractive girls that has a little bit of his cock showing isn't 'really weird'. Sending a photo just of his cock, that would be weird.

I'm aware of how strike through works, thanks though.

We'll have to disagree on your last point. Personally, I would find it weird if my husband either sent or received photos to / from his best friend with any portion of either's cock showing.

To some extent though this is about the friend's privacy. My friends confide in me about stuff and if it's really serious/dramatic I might want to offload a bit on my husband by giving him the general gist of what's going on. I certainly wouldn't share all the details a friend has shared with me because that's not fair.

In this situation I think it's fair enough for OP's husband to say "oo X is going right off the rails with champagne clubbing and dancing girls" but not share the grim details of all the photos and sex talk, because it isn't her business exactly what X has got up to.

Yes if your friend is sending you a series of photos and stories for you to wank over it is only decent to protect their privacy.

Fuck that.

Your Dh is just as much a perve as his mate is. I bet he didn't tell those young girls that those pics would become wank fodder for his mates.

It's grubby and nasty.

I'd ask your Dh how he would feel if pics of your DC were doing the rounds - and his mates were taking about 'sometimes if they are really dirty ...'

VOM

I think your DH condoning his friend's behaviour is bad enough, but receiving pics and then bloody lying to you afterwards is just foul. What else has he lied about? And the disrespect and disregard shown for those 2 women - I would be fuming if I were you and seriously considering how to stay in a relationship with such a sexist man. Has your DH got any children already, ex wife etc? What is his past behaviour towards women like? At the age of 45 to behave in this way is concerning.

he actively lied to the op

This. It is awful to lie and then call it protection. If you're hiding something, there's something wrong with it. It's very simple.

I didn't tell you because I knew you'd be hurt/upset/angry - What are you, a kid who ate his mum's chocolates?

I didn't tell you because I wanted to protect you - I didn't tell you because I wanted to protect myself from the consequences of my actions.

So people here feel that it's perfectly OK to police their partners' conversations with their friends And decide for them what they should and shouldn't be looking at/saying to them? that when they want to know the whole story it's ok to go through your partner's phone and decide what texts you do and don't find acceptable?

How does this work the other way around then? Is it ok for your partner to randomly snoop through your phone when you talk about what you've been saying to a friend just to make sure you're giving him the whole story? No didn't think so.

The friend's life and actions aside (because frankly what he does is his business, whether people think it's ok or not,) the OP had no business going through her DH's phone in the first place. If a woman posted here that her h had been looking at her phone and had told her what she should or shouldn't be discussing with her friends (however distasteful that might have been,) she would be told that the H was the issue not the conversations she was having and to ltb.

So those girls consented to him sharing the photos did they?

What a creep

Where did anyone say that it's perfectly OK to police their partners conversations?

Why are you making that up?

I think that this is a storm in a teacup. ! Your DH has not run off to join his best mate as his wingman. He has already stated that he finds it all a bit pathetic. Those saying 'he shouldn't accept these pictures' are just being peculiar. How on earth do you 'prevent' someone sending you a photo without blocking them ? He is an old friend. He is behaving like a dick, your DH seems to understand this. There is no issue. Enjoy last weeks of pregnancy with your DH , do not let this blight your happiness. It's nothing

I think the biggest problem you have OP, (and has not yet been mentioned) is the gross invasion of his privacy by 'going through' his phone.

^^ very much this, you all seem to have missed this gross invasion of privacy.........strange that!!!!!

Speak with him and ask if he would be happy if you were receiving photos of naked men having sex with your friend via text. Reckon the answer would be no Why? if my DW's friend sent her that text, I wouldn't give a toss. I certainly wouldn't use it as some half arsed justification for invading her privacy.

Yes his mate is being a bit of a tool, broadcasting, but what really is happening when you break it down. The DH has some naked people on his phone, from his mate. Big deal. You don't even know if Op's DH may have asked his mate to stop.

I am interested to know Op, are you going to tell your DH you looked through his phone?

There is suggestion all over the thread that the DH should be telling his friend he is out of order/that the DH should be telling the OP exactly what was said/sent/that the DH shouldn't be receiving these texts as they're disrespectful to his pregnant wife.

That is believing it's ok to police his conversations.

I lost any sympathy for you OP when you revealed that you'd gone through his phone. Why so many people in this day and age seem to think this is a remotely acceptable way to behave is beyond me. Well, you're now paying the price for invading your loved one's privacy and seeing things you weren't meant to.

He has done nothing wrong. You, on the other hand, have grossly betrayed his trust.

Its none of your business.
The friend sent those messages to dh not you and i would think that as they are naked pics it is not for yoyr dh to share.

Christ your dh is doing nothing wrong let the man alone. He doesnt have to breach friends privacy just because you are married

Meh, I just think it must be a shock to find out your partner and his friend conduct themselves like ..I dunno the words...creepy, twats?

She can't unknow that.