tell me i need to get a grip/am in the wrong? DH and texting

[snowtuxedo]

DH's best childhood friend has just come out of a messy divorce. He is 45, same age as my DH.

He's going through a phase of heading to nightclubs in London, buying a table and champagne, and taking girls home.

He has invited DH along a few times, but I am 39 weeks pregnant, ready to pop and barely see DH with his job being what it is and him working away so much. Plus I wouldn't support DH going as a wing man for the purpose of picking up women.

Anyway, this was all very vague and irrelevant to me until I get a picture from DH of his friend sitting in his flat with two girls straddling him on each knee, everyone was clothed. He had sent it to my DH, then DH had captioned it something like "look what Dfriend is up to now..." and forwarded to me. The girls looked about 20 years old - (not underage, but DH's friend was definitely pushing a 25 year age difference.)

It made me a bit and I asked DH what his friend had been up to. He just said his friend had picked these girls up in a club, slept in a bed with them and nothing had happened. DH said he was rebounding and he found it all a bit pathetic. Fine - it's his friends' business, I thought. I asked a few more questions but DH was mostly unforthcoming, just brushed the questions off and kept repeating that it was a phase his friend was going through. I'm feeling huge and frumpy and I think maybe on some level I was worried DH would be jealous of his friend's freedom.

Well... I checked DH's phone earlier today (because I felt insecure.) DH leaves it unlocked and generally out, as I leave mine too. I looked at the conversation with his friend and it was basically lots and lots of sexual pictures of these girls naked, doing things to each other and him (his friend) and a blow-by-blow account of the "threesome" he had with them. Again this is none of my business, but it rings alarm bells with me that he is sharing these pics with DH, giving accounts of the sex to DH, that DH did not tell me the whole story and that DH is even willing to accept pictures like this. If a friend sent these to me, I would say ergh, no thanks...

Not that I have any RIGHT to know the whole story, obviously, as it is none of my business and I'm just being an insecure fool - right?

Plus although DH wasn't actively egging him on in his comments, there was definitely a "boy's club" mentality about the whole conversation. "Sometimes women are like this and sometimes women are like that. And sometimes they let you do this/that to them...And sometimes when they're really dirty they do this..."

I need to just let this whole thing well alone, don't I? Please be gentle, I think I am just hormonal and insecure...

Hang on a minute. Just because these women are young doesn't mean that they're being drugged or not consenting. Taking pictures is I believe not that uncommon in younger circles. Certainly would never be something I'd do or want to do but it's entirely likely these women knew what they were doing and we're happy doing it. Why should the assumption always be that women are victims. Plenty of women are happy to engage in sex and threesomes with men they meet in clubs and the like.

Certainly this bloke is acting like somewhat of a Pratt, but he's not the first and certainly won't be the last to have gone off the rails after a marriage breakdown.

My eXH used to work with someone who picked up a few women of a weekend. EXH used to talk with some about the things this bloke alleged to have got up to, and he showed him the texts these women sent him. And all of the sex talk etc was instigated by the women.

People do talk to their friends about what they do with their partners/the people they meet/have one night stands with etc. Personally I'd never discuss sex with my friends, but the difference with the OP's H's friend is that there are pictures involved. If a longstanding friend started sending me those kind of texts I would think they'd lost the plot and needed support. This will most likely blow over and he will be embarrassed himself.

You don't want to see the friend again because of some messages you read by invading your husband and his friend's privacy? I'd say that's well out of line and you're going to create a horrible situation for your dh when he's done nothing wrong.

Yes the friend is acting oddly but your dh is dealing with it as he chooses and you shouldn't be sticking your nose in.

What do you imagine will happen if your poor innocent eyes are forced to light on this evil man's face?!

Because he is having sex with girls only 3 years older than his daughter

Yes I think you are right Op, it's your hormones.

Just to counter the MN intrinsic bias, I have just asked four male colleagues (ages 45 - 55) if they had just got divorced would they sleep with two, 25 years olds - Yes 4/4,
would they take pictures - Yes 4/4
and would they boast about it to their mates - Big Yes 4/4.

I think taking the pictures without their consent is not legal.. But mobile phone pics presumably they can tell he is taking?!

Dr Möbius - Could you please ask them if they were sent the photos and they had a heavily pregnant wife:

Would they keep them
Would they confess if their wife asked
Would they stop the mate sending them

Thank you in advance :) genuinely quite keen to see the results of this survey :)

DH responded to pictures of his friend having sex was "woah, you were up late,"?!! Really?!

The DH is presumably trying to think what to say that doesn't encourage the over sharing but also doesn't totally put paid to the friendship!

and did these girls consent to their pics being shared with goodness knows who and where. He could be posting them online anywhere. Just vile, it really is.

Criticise a wife for looking at a phone but don't mind a man sharing naked pics of women to all and sundry - double standards much?

That's because the OP is asking for opinions on her and her dh behaviour. The friend is being a complete twat but that's not what OP asked.

Now the wheels have fallen off KittensandKnitting

Would they keep them - Yes 1/4
Would they confess if their wife asked - Yes 1/4 (but would delete first, so shouldn't need answering)
Would they stop the mate sending them - Yes 0/4

Your DH's mate could well have broken the law by taking those pictures and then distributing them if there was no consent given.

I would expect my DH to tell his mate in no uncertain terms that he was not to send him any more pictures like that. I really don't understand the pp's who wouldn't have a problem with it? The mate obviously has no respect for women and in engaging in conversation about it with him the DH is also encouraging him to carry on.
If any of my friends were texting me a blow by blow account of their sex session with visuals I'd think they were off their rocker.

It's fucking weird.

Regardless of hormones I would not be happy about my husband being in cahoots with this type of man, I mean the way he talks about women is vile, what he can get them to do, depending on how much drink he has plied them with?

Just yuck, and I am guessing he's mid forties too so should know better.

No you cannot police your husband and his friend but the whole thing is utterly distasteful and not what a heavily pregnant woman wants to see or read but fair enough, it's his phone!

I'd be the same as you OP, I'd have reservations about my partner being friends with this type of person.

JacketPoTayTo
I'm baffled by the PP who think it's perfectly fine and normal for someone to send pictures to your friend where your penis is on show. "It's just a bit of dick, not like it's just a picture of his dick and nothing else". Any amount of dick is too much dick in this circumstance. Would you send a photo of a guy you had hooked up with performing sex acts to your female friend and just expect her to excuse your fanjo in the background? Would you send explicit pictures like this to your friends at all? If certain PP think this is OK then that's fine, but please don't let's pretend it's commonplace and that the OP is the wierd one for having an issue with it

Try reading what I wrote, not what you decided I wrote. Also, try reading it in context with the post I was replying to. Lastly, if you're gong to quote me have the decency to copy & paste rather than 'rewrite it' in your own words.

We aren't talking about what I would do, so that's totally irrelevant.

My comment was in reply to something another poster said (that it was 'totally fucking weird' if you could see his cock). What I think about sending ANY of the photos is irrelevant also, but personally I don't think it's 'totally fucking weird' that in one of the photos he sent you might be able to see a bit of his cock, whereas I would if it was a photo OF his cock. (We don't even know if you can, it was something another poster said. Not the OP.)

I didn't say it was common place & I certainly didn't say the OP was weird for having an issue with it. So an apology would be nice, thanks.

I just don't see how any of this is your business.

There is no indication that your OH approves of this behavior in any way. In fact, he has called his friends actions "pathetic".

Whatever you think of your OH's mate's behavior, your OH is not responsible in any way for that. The notion that by not loudly condemning him at every turn he is somehow just as bad is a seriously wonky argument. Not showing you all the explicit photos does not automatically mean he thinks this is a situation he approves of.

Ultimately, what has happened? This guy has gone out and had consensual sex with two women. He has taken photos of this, again presumably consensual. Now, a lot of people may find that morally distasteful, but that is purely subjective. He is single and is free to sleep with who he wishes, as are the two women.

The amount of nonsense being posted on this thread is beyond belief - projection and hyperbole everywhere. The people posting about how your OH would feel if it was pics of your DC are completely out of their minds.

Ok, I'm somewhat in the middle on this seeing both sides - being pregnant in the past,and, being newly single after a LTR. I'd say his friend is doing a lot of what newly single people do ie. doing the sort of things you did when you were last single, I did that to a small degree - went to nightclubs, had not been for a decade - not desperately old, and with similar aged friends (36 at the time). Going out and drinking more as a distraction. I now see it in my DSIL, we got on, then my bro got another,we got close as I supported her after, now she's best mates with someone 20yrs younger and out all the time with her, does not want to know me, but I'm not bitter, it's phase you go through after breakup, it does settle down IME. At some point your DH's best friend will realize he's chasing the past and cut a new path, meanwhile, your DH, being a good friend, is probably just going with it.
If it's impinging too much, however, on times when you need your DH's support, I would let your DH know that you need him present, put don't make it about XYZ that his friend is getting up to, he is not his friend or responsible for what he does.

So you'd dump a lifelong friend because he was acting like a tool after getting divorced? I'm glad my friendships are made of sterner stuff.

I'd be telling anyone who snooped on my phone to fuck right off if they didn't like the content of my PRIVATE conversations that had fuck all to do with them.

People on here genuinely send lots of photos of themselves having sex with commentary to their mates?

Wow.

I am officially old.

(Same age as the DH and his mate but hey ;))

Sounds more like he is going out his way to take advantage of girls half his age plying them with drinks and then taking pics and taking the absolute piss out of them.

I bet it's not just the OPs OH whose been sent them - the guy is an arsehole, nothing to do with being recently divorced, he's vile and has a horrible attitude towards women and sex, I'd find him pretty sad and if he was my friend I'd be telling him I don't want to see his sleazy one nighters.

Really depends how you see it, we are all different I guess but not what you want to see and read when heavily pregnant, you can only voice your distaste really OP, you sure can't stop him engaging in the chat.

Helmetbymidnight

Wouldn't be my thing (or my wife's!) but I don't view people who do as a special breed of sub-human perverts.

If it's not hurting anyone then it really isn't any of my business.

If the friend was sending photos of himself and the two women who was taking the photos?

adora1

Sounds more like he is going out his way to take advantage of girls half his age plying them with drinks and then taking pics and taking the absolute piss out of them.

Is there anything at all to suggest that this is true and not just you projecting? Is there anything to suggest that he is taking advantage of these women or that he is ridiculing them?

I don't view people who do as a special breed of sub-human perverts.

Nor do I!

(Actually I do a bit!)

Sending your home-made porn to your mates? It's not for me - or my mates fortunately.

If my daughter is 20 and she ends up in bed with a 45 year old man and another young girl then yes I would question his motives regarding respect and boundaries, not to mention naked pictures being sent to god knows who and ending up god knows where so yes, in my estimation a 45 year old man doing this and going out his way to advertise it in my book a sleaze ball, why does he have to tell all in sundry?

Why does he have to speak about women like this:
And sometimes they let you do this/that to them...And sometimes when they're really dirty they do this..."

He sounds about 20 years old.

adora1

That's not what you said. You said he was is going out his way to take advantage of girls half his age

There is absolutely nothing to support that.

Your opinion that he is a sleeze ball is totally valid, but it is not the same thing, and not what you were arguing before.

OP said Plus although DH wasn't actively egging him on in his comments, there was definitely a "boy's club" mentality about the whole conversation. "Sometimes women are like this and sometimes women are like that. And sometimes they let you do this/that to them...And sometimes when they're really dirty they do this..."

It seems like these young women are being discussed as though they are things not people. It is totally disrespectful.

We know that the 'mate' books a table and supplies the drinks. He took the photos and sent them. He is the one in control.

It would be a much safer world for women and girls if people weren't so quick to presume consent. The OP's partner didn't query it did he? He could have said 'are you sure they are okay with you sending the's pics?'

Could posters who profess to know of women who soberly and happily consent to having sex pictures of themselves and a random bloke they just met be distributed with smutty captions, say a bit more about it please? Have you ever been in the position if those women? How do you/they feel about it now?