tell me i need to get a grip/am in the wrong? DH and texting

[snowtuxedo]

DH's best childhood friend has just come out of a messy divorce. He is 45, same age as my DH.

He's going through a phase of heading to nightclubs in London, buying a table and champagne, and taking girls home.

He has invited DH along a few times, but I am 39 weeks pregnant, ready to pop and barely see DH with his job being what it is and him working away so much. Plus I wouldn't support DH going as a wing man for the purpose of picking up women.

Anyway, this was all very vague and irrelevant to me until I get a picture from DH of his friend sitting in his flat with two girls straddling him on each knee, everyone was clothed. He had sent it to my DH, then DH had captioned it something like "look what Dfriend is up to now..." and forwarded to me. The girls looked about 20 years old - (not underage, but DH's friend was definitely pushing a 25 year age difference.)

It made me a bit and I asked DH what his friend had been up to. He just said his friend had picked these girls up in a club, slept in a bed with them and nothing had happened. DH said he was rebounding and he found it all a bit pathetic. Fine - it's his friends' business, I thought. I asked a few more questions but DH was mostly unforthcoming, just brushed the questions off and kept repeating that it was a phase his friend was going through. I'm feeling huge and frumpy and I think maybe on some level I was worried DH would be jealous of his friend's freedom.

Well... I checked DH's phone earlier today (because I felt insecure.) DH leaves it unlocked and generally out, as I leave mine too. I looked at the conversation with his friend and it was basically lots and lots of sexual pictures of these girls naked, doing things to each other and him (his friend) and a blow-by-blow account of the "threesome" he had with them. Again this is none of my business, but it rings alarm bells with me that he is sharing these pics with DH, giving accounts of the sex to DH, that DH did not tell me the whole story and that DH is even willing to accept pictures like this. If a friend sent these to me, I would say ergh, no thanks...

Not that I have any RIGHT to know the whole story, obviously, as it is none of my business and I'm just being an insecure fool - right?

Plus although DH wasn't actively egging him on in his comments, there was definitely a "boy's club" mentality about the whole conversation. "Sometimes women are like this and sometimes women are like that. And sometimes they let you do this/that to them...And sometimes when they're really dirty they do this..."

I need to just let this whole thing well alone, don't I? Please be gentle, I think I am just hormonal and insecure...

Urgh. People saying "so it has his cock in the photo, so what".

If I sent my best pal a photo of some young hot man's penis going in and out of my fanjo, I don't think she'd ever speak to me again. Nor would I expect her to. I certainly wouldn't want photos of a friend like that on my phone, male or female.

I think that is just so bizarre.

I'd be annoyed at the lying too.

Not just one photo, many photos, and a commentary.

Maybe this is what mates do now.

Helmetbymidnight still think that is one of the best User names on MN.

If I sent my best pal a photo of some young hot man's penis going in and out of my fanjo, I don't think she'd ever speak to me again. Nor would I expect her to. I certainly wouldn't want photos of a friend like that on my phone, male or female

That's you and that's fine, perhaps the Op's DH and his friend have a different dynamic.

I'd be annoyed at the lying too I don't think he lied, he just underplayed the messages.

Personally if I managed to wangle a 3-some, I would phone everyone I knew to tell them, whether they liked it or not. In fact there is a movie sequence where this happens. Its just a bit of banter.

He sent it to you because he thought it was ridiculous. You then asked for more info and he figured that at 39 weeks, hormonal and insecure, you couldn't handle it. He was right.

If he was enjoying it all so much, why did he send you a photo? He wants you to be aware of what's going on but doesn't want to scare you.

Stop going through his phone and talk to him.

The op looked because she suspected her husband was lying...and he was. Anyway, OP I don't think you have anything to worry about (like your husband getting gf involved and cheating on you) but I would be honest and say what you found and asked why he lied, tell him it's disrespectful and ask how he would feel if it was the other way about. The friend is HORRIBLE though.

I'd be worried about my mates if they were sending me naked pictures of themselves shagging someone else. I'd think the wheels were falling off the wagon and they needed some help.

I think the fact that the friend is trying to get the DH to go along on these nights out is worrying.

I think looking at a phone is the least of your issues here.

Its disrespectful to nosey through somebody's phone.
Those messages were not sent to the OP. She had no right to view them. The friend didnt send them to her so she should recpect his right to privacy if she cannot respect her husbands.

Meh I think I wouldn't care if my partner looked at my phone without me knowing. If you have nothing to hide and all that jazz.
The girls probably didn't give the friend approval to share pics of their naked bodies about. The friend didn't care, ops husband didn't care when he passed it to OP.

I wouldn't like this at all. it's one thing his mate having fun and reliving his youth (or however you want to put it), but the photos wouldn't be ok with me.

I'm trying to imagine my boyf receiving photos from a friend, of that nature, and it makes me angry just thinking about it.

I don't think your bloke has really done anything wrong, but maybe needs to let his mate know that the photos are inappropriate and could cause trouble at home.

I can't understand the first response you received from concrete. Quick to agree that you are hormonal and insecure because your H "seems to have responded well". I don't think you've actually said what his responses were to the messages

Jacket, the OP's husband said that he found it rather pathetic and the friend is being stupid. The OP also said that in his responses to the texts received, the DH didn't egg him on, so yes I think he responded well. He also showed her the message in the first place.

I'm not saying it was a brilliant move by DH, but I know how pregnancy hormones can sometimes distort things and play havoc with your feelings. Perhaps the OP should police her husband's private text messages and get him to say to the friend he has known for decades and is obviously going through a rough patch, that he doesn't want to receive these messages anymore? But I can't see what the DH has done wrong? He showed the OP the message and said it was sad.

The things I have issues with are him being out drinking so late in her pregnancy, and her looking through his phone. The OP needs to have a word with him about going out, stop snooping and enjoy this special time together.

Thanks for all replies. It went from 4 to 60 overnight.

The main thing I feel is a complete loss of respect for DH's childhood friend, who was also best man at our wedding. I know his (now ex) wife, his kids (eldest is 17!) and have known the family for years too. I feel that he just looks like a total and utter tool.

I got up in the night and read the messages again (yes sorry to those who think I am continually invading privacy.) I think I exaggerated in my own head how much DH was engaging in the "boy's club" chat. It was mostly his friend's narrative with comments/questions from DH every so often like "woah, you were up late," or "was that this morning?" 'Are they still there?" As it was chunks of text and explicit photos when I was reading in a hurry before, I think I got a bit shocked and overwhelmed by the whole thing.

Still, I don't feel like I want to see this friend again. So I might actually have to tell DH I saw the pictures.

And yes I agree, it was a total invasion of privacy to check his phone. I am feeling insecure and happy to admit that to him.

OP you are being slighty unreasonable.Your DH is not involved in parties or going out.He just being a friend to the wild guy . Don't think he will start saying to his mate:err don't want to know,don't want to see pics because my pregnant wife will take it wrong way. Its his private conversations with his friend and you should leave them to it.
Although I understand your upset..you probably think your DH might get tempted and do the same ?

I think you need to tread really carefully here OP.

Your dh hasn't done anything wrong, other than having a friend who is a tool. And this is a childhood friend who was his best man. That's a very long friendship and one he values a lot.

I don't think at this stage in your life you really need a blow up over this and to put your dh in a situation where he has to make a choice between his friend and you. Of course you'd win but do you want that?

It sounds like his friend is having a bit of a mid-life crisis and he never intended for you to see this stuff. He'd likely be mortified to know you have. Or maybe not. I guess it depends on the dynamic of their friendship. My husband's best friend, or any of his friends, would not sent sex pictures to each other but that's just how they are. I know others are different.

If it was me I would probably admit i'd snooped in DH's phone, apologise for doing it and say that you were just feeling sad and hormonal (or something!) and maybe open the dialogue about what you saw? Maybe make a joke about it? 'Like, what the hell is midlifecrisis saddo up to??'.

Still, I don't feel like I want to see his friend again

Why Op? he is engaging in some adult fun with consenting adults. OK so he is publicising it a bit much
People do some weird stuff, coming out of a marriage, he is just blowing off some steam. It's not harming you or your DH.

OP I don't blame you for losing all respect for the friend - he sounds like a total creep, who also needs his ego stroked by ''boasting' to his mates about his conquests like a teenager. Pathetic.

However, I don't think your H has really done anything wrong. He is in an awkward position really, because he must have known you would freak if you saw those pics, but he can't help the fact that he was sent them - although why he wouldn't have a quick nosey then delete them I don't know .

I would calmly tell him you're sorry but his story didn't ring true and set off alarm bells - so you snooped on his phone (blame it on the hormones..) and that you're really upset that he's being sent those pics - and that he made up a BS story about what his friend was up to. Tell him you need to know that he will be honest with you about things or that you'll struggle to trust him in future. And tell him he needs to tell his mate to stop sending him pervy pics because he doesn't need to see his mate's hairy arse - or pics of girls young enough to be his DD who probably don't even know the photos are being shared - which is seriously dodgy territory anyway.

Because he is having sex with girls only 3 years older than his daughter. And he is taking pics of them (probably without their consent) and forwarding them on to others to brag.

Sounds to me like your DH started to tell you everything, hoping for a bit of "errrr what a tool" sympathy/agreement, then backed out half way through when your reaction was a bit more upset than he'd anticipated.

It also sounds like he is trying to give his friend the minimum response necessary and is hoping like hell that he'll stop being a twat and get over himself asap.

All in all I think your DH is in a pretty difficult position. Personally I'd stfu about it all so as not to make things worse. But then I'm not hormonal and upset by all the over sharing grossness! Can understand if you feel the need to tell your DH, but if you wait a week or two it'll probably all be driven out of your head by much more pleasant things

Everything else aside, the DH could have immediately deleted the photos if he was that horrified/thought his friend was an idiot but he didn't delete them he kept them.

I'd want my DP to be honest, no matter how uncomfortable it was for him - the fact is he wasn't honest he decided what the OP could and couldn't handle, and maybe didn't tell her the entire story as he wanted to keep the photos and I'm pretty sure he would know that his wife would ask him to delete them. I expect she then "knew" something wasn't quite right and looked at his phone, not condoning that behaviour at all but she did look and she did find these photos.

I think you need to tell him OP not going to be a nice conversation but maybe then he will actually tell his mate to stop sending photos, I do think it is bizzare that he sent them - it must have been utterly gut wrenching to find them.

Personally I have no issue with DP looking at porn, it is a private act. I would have a massive issue with this, and whilst not proud to admit it, I think I may have looked too. It is one thing to discuss what you have been up to as a single person, with a friend it is completely bloody different sending photographic evidence.

Because he is having sex with girls only 3 years older than his daughter.

"Ewww" factor aside, isn't that a red herring OP? They are adults. If there's something about the photos that makes you think they're not consenting then this whole thing is very different. But provided there's consent, the ick factor is in the eye of the beholder.

I'm baffled by the PP who think it's perfectly fine and normal for someone to send pictures to your friend where your penis is on show. "It's just a bit of dick, not like it's just a picture of his dick and nothing else". Any amount of dick is too much dick in this circumstance. Would you send a photo of a guy you had hooked up with performing sex acts to your female friend and just expect her to excuse your fanjo in the background? Would you send explicit pictures like this to your friends at all? If certain PP think this is OK then that's fine, but please don't let's pretend it's commonplace and that the OP is the wierd one for having an issue with it.

Also, RE the snooping thing (fully aware I will be flamed for this) sometimes you have a gut feeling that something is up. You snooped, you found evidence of something going on that crossed a boundary for you. DP knows it crossed a boundary because, despite sharing the fairly innocent first message, he kept the rest secret. You should have enough trust within a relationship that you don't need to spy on your partner so that is an issue. However, I don't subscribe to the theory that snooping somehow is worse than your partner having done whatever it is that you find.

Thats pretty grim, sharing pics of women like that, Hes obviously upping the stakes to try and get your dp to join in with him.

I would tell him how pissed off you are with his mate and how dare he try and entice him along on these nights where he buys sex like some sort of fucking idiot and then shares out the pictures to brag.

I dont think your husband has done anything particularly bad but hes getting close to the line to share pics of women that didnt know he was sharing them. He could easily tell his mate that he doesnt want to see his seedy sex pics

I agree with Giraffes. Yes its a bit ewww. I know totally what you mean.

But older men have been sleeping with women young enough to be their daughters for centuries. It doesn't make it less gross, but its legal and consenting. Look at Mick Jagger ffs!

All the dh had to do was say: mate, don't want to see your hairy arse etc
If he did, fair enough- but if he was egging the mate on, then I'd think he's a right voyeristic creep.

This

Also - if the young women were drunk or had been given drugs - they may not even have registered that pictures were being taken at the time- which throws up an issue of consent. If the young women recalled it sober they are probably in a panic about it.

Another thing- are the women prostitutes?
I would feel very uncomfortable if my dh tacitly condoned prostitution.
If I were you OP I would question my dh on his ethics and sensitivity - especially if I were heavily pregnant.

Sleeping with young women isn't eewww. Taking explicit photos of them and sharing them with your old mates with loads of comments is though.

DH responded to pictures of his friend having sex was "woah, you were up late,"?!! Really?!

Sounds like the "friend" is jealous of your DH's homelife and wants to ruin it by trying to entice him away with "hot young girls" . Luckily it seems that that your DH is not interested.

Your dh's texts sounds like they are trying to be polite in a way, to the friend. I think he needs to be a bit braver and tell the friend to stop sending him stuff. It might be the first step to the friend realising that he is being a knob. Hearing sense from a friend. He might start to calm down, before, as someone else said, he catches something.

We don't know if the girls gave their consent but if not, that is gross and your dh could educate the idiot about morals!

With regard to you looking at his phone yes you will have to confess. But you could obviously tell that your dh wasn't telling the whole truth. Tell him he must always tell you the truth otherwise it just causes problems. Such as this.

Good luck. Sounds like you two will be ok.