SausageDog - I'm really sorry you had to go through that. Sounds like a nightmare. I am going to have a closer look at what's going on with our joint account.
OP how are you managing to access Mn without him finding out? It's not too difficult, because he is not a scary, inquisitorial type - although he has asked me who I am writing too. Am currently in the bathroom writing this update!
Wasn't he meant to be transferring over £500 from an account? Yes, he has done this, so the immediate crisis has been averted. Have just been with him to Aldi and got some shopping in. I am going to cook up a load of mince and vegetables tonight and then freeze in DD-sized portions. We had a disagreement because I wanted to buy fusilli (49p) which is more than twice the price of spaghetti (20p). I pointed out that DD is trying to learn how to use cutlery, so spaghetti is not good and he relented. This is the kind of de-moralising crap that I've been putting up with and barely noticing for years, but because of this thread, it made me really angry.
You can hire a ladder for less than £20 from Jewsons Yes, I absolutely should have looked into this and done it. Will contact my Dad and ask him to visit as I am rubbish at DIY.
AnotherEmma, thanks for the advice, which I shall follow up, also the pamphlet. The Rights of Women thing sounds especially helpful. I shall have another opportunity to give Women's Aid a call on Monday, as DH is taking DD to visit his mum.
Thanks, Maudlin, for the clarification re: gaslighting. I'm sorry that you're experiencing similar difficulties with your ex. What you described really resonated me - I also think that, when he makes often blatantly untrue claims, DH absolutely believes what he is saying 100%. Weird, and a bit scary.
I have had this conversation with myself in my head many times. I don't feel frightened of my ex but the fallout of any conversation that could be construed as criticism, or "me thinking I know best" or "me trying to assert my preferences" was so unpleasant that I got into the habit of just shelving everything, and then every now and then coming up with a bump against something like "hang on, it really does matter if the paracetamol are left within toddler reach or not", and so on This is more or less exactly how I feel. Thank you. 
Atenco, yes I do worry about him having care of DD, and have right from the start. Not because he's malicious, but because he's careless. I raised some concerns about this with the HV when DD was about 6 weeks, but she said to stop nit-picking or I'd have a husband who did nothing and I'd be lumbered with all the work. With hindsight, I'm not sure this was great advice.
I'll give some examples of the kinds of things that have made me worry. About a month after we brought DD home from the hospital, I discovered he'd fitted the car seat incorrectly, and a few times since, after he's had to remove it for whatever reason, I've discovered that it's been incorrectly re-installed. I have asked him to get me to check it every time he needs to alter the seats, and he has said he would. But it makes me nervous because often he appears to have agreed to something and then goes on to disregard it. If I challenge him, he denies all knowledge and then suggests I am making a fuss. Another thing: having lost a sibling to cot death, I was very keen that we follow all the guidelines - showed DH a leaflet that explained all these. Later I discovered that, when doing overnights at his mum's, he had left DD in a cot which, instead of having a firm mattress was lined with pillows. Also have found electrical cables hanging by the bed she uses at his mum's. I tell him they must be moved, explain why, and then just pray that he remembers. He's told me (indignantly) that when he takes her out, strangers often come up to him to challenge his parenting (saying stuff like he should keep her closer to him) or give him funny looks. DH thinks that they are women who take issue with fathers being more involved with childcare than they once were. 
On one occasion, my mum met him out and about when I was not there. She said it was a freezing day and he was wearing a coat, but DD was in a thin top. He suggested they go for a walk and she said she was worried that DD would get cold, he just brushed it off saying that DD would stay warm by running around. Mum said it was horrible, because she was really concerned for DD but didn't know how to get that across without starting a massive row. I could go on forever - something very similar happened on Mother's Day when they met me from a part time job I had at that time. DH got huffy when I insisted we go to Primark to get DD a cardigan and blanket because it was a freezing cold day (needless to say DH was wearing a coat). When I had bought the stuff, he asked me how much I had spent. £7. 
Seeing all this set down in black and white is a bit shocking, actually. It's bad, isn't it? I should have acted before now.