House... Baby.. No ring.

[littlerabbitface]

Have nc'd for this.

I suppose this is like a WWYD.

Basically me and oh live together, own the house together, have a baby, own a car jointly, finances are pooled. You get the idea. We act like a married couple.

However we are not a married couple.

Not even engaged.

At first it never bothered me really, but now we have a baby and him and oh have the same surname and I have a different one, I'll admit it does really get to me that we aren't married. I feel like a bit of an idiot.

Before anyone says well why did you buy a house and have a baby with him, well because I thought we would get married and I wasn't bothered if that came before or after a baby!

Now I'm starting to doubt it'll happen. We've been together four years. Neither of us have been married before. He's in his early thirties, I'm in mid twenties.

I know there is no real rush, and realistically we couldn't afford a wedding for maybe a year or two. (Though I'd be happy with a registry office and a nice meal! He wouldn't!)

When I've spoken to him about it he mainly just says we will do it in time, we will get there eventually, not yet, or in a few years, or what's the rush it won't change anything (technically it won't I suppose, obviously legally but in terms of our relationship nothing would change as we're pretty much living as a married couple)

He thinks I want to rush into it and doesn't see why I'm so bothered about doing it because it won't change anything. I say that if it won't change anything then why not just do it instead of putting it off for years.

I guess I'm just a bit fed up and this is just a bit of a whinge. I don't want to leave over this obviously as we have a good relationship, but I want to be married to him and I don't want to have to nag about it.

WWYD in this situation. Can you change the mindset of someone who is not very bothered? He is quite laid back anyway so it comes as no surprise that he is in no rush to do this.

Should I bring it up? Should I forget about it? Should I resign myself to the fact it may never happen?

I am hoping he is secretly thinking about it but I doubt that very much.

I need advice!

In the DP's shoes I wouldn't agree either.

Well why should the baby have my name over his!

He is as much a parent as me. Just because I am the mum doesn't make me more of a parent!

What about double-barrelling the name. Would he agree to that?

Possibly.

Not sure whether id want to change it to then possibly change it back.

"Well why should the baby have my name over his!"

Why should he have his name over yours?"

Just say I want to get married by X date. If you don't want to marry me I need to know.

I would never have given my child a different name.

Well I dunno but my point is changing his name doesn't really change anything!

The problem with wills is that he could change it and you wouldn't know.
You are vulnerable when you are not married.
If he dies who organises his burial, wishes, finances etc. You wouldn't be his next of kin.

I believe that if you are joint tenants the house becomes automatically yours if he should die and vice versa. He can't leave it to the kids. That is the difference between joint tenants and tenants in common, whoch is the arrangement you would have if you bought a house with a friend for example. You do need to ensure (married or not) that there is sufficient insurance or earnings to pay the mortgage. If not married then make sure you are named beneficiary. Insurance linked to the mortgage would automatically be used to pay that off.

I would not have reacted well if my dp had tried to steamroller me.

Being nosy Bertrand but did your dp know from the get go that marriage wasn't for you? Because that is a more honest position than it appears the OPs dp has taken, whereby he has implied that they were both on the same page wrt marriage to the point where she had a child she might not have chosen to have if he'd been clear from the start.

Exactly, steamrolling him and threatening to change the surname etc won't go down well. Who in their right mind thinks it would?

I can't actually remember- it was a very long time ago! I have certainly never said yes when he has asked
me over the years..........

Me and my husband got married after kids our two kids were born with a registry office quickie. In our case, this was to do with having two terminally ill parents and a lack of desire for fuss under the circumstances. I really like being married although (clearly) kids were higher on the radar for us both, but was never much of a one for a wedding. In the event, it was a very easy thing to organise.

I think you really need gain clarity on your OH's thinking here. Marriage is a pretty fair and sensible way of both of you gaining legal protection which recognises the investment you are making together in your family and shared life. Your husband sounds like he is being sentimental (with the white wedding stuff) and angsty.

Why not suggest you do the registry office bit now, and then have a party in a few years? You need a better explanation. I would kick his ass on this one.

I'm not sure what you want people to say as when advice is offered you seem to throw it back.

I would assume when you got the house you have life assurance to cover the mortgage and when you got mortgage you said about ownership in case of death? If not a) you need life assurance and b) you certainly need a will sorting out.

Regarding names I had my then maiden name as my childrens' middle names. I'm now divorced so will have a different name anyway. If you wanted same name you could change it legally by deed poll.

I think the house, baby and joint finances is more than getting married. I think it shows all the commitment. If you want the wedding for the romance factor than you need to have an honest and truthful conversation about how it makes you feel. How it makes him feel. And where you come from there. Is it going to be a deal breaker for you? Ask yourself though if that is what you say to him, that means you will walk away and hope to find someone else to have all of what you have and get married?

The only thing I have 'thrown back' is using my child's name to get my own way.

I have considered getting some legal docs drawn up and sorting out wills. I am going to do that unless he will agree to get married.

If we do this I may also change my own name by deed poll.

If he won't get married then I am having all the benefits without the big day.

I might even treat myself to a nice not-wedding ring. Be cheaper than a wedding anyhow!

Also I have no doubt he is committed, which is why the not getting married thing puzzles the hell out of me.

If you are absolutely a r he is committed, then maybe he's like me. Just not wanting to be married.

And I have to say, I would be petty pissed off if my dp did any pretendy marriage stuff like wearing a ring or changing his name.

Sorry.

There are many cultures in which parents and children don't all have the same names as one another, or have some kind of combination of names, so try not to get hung up on the name per se.

BUT - the legal stuff is really important, particularly as he has another child. If he dies without a will, then ANY relative of his can lodge an interest in his estate - so the mother of his first child could do that on her child's behalf.

If you own the house jointly, rather than as tenants in common, it should pass automatically to you if he dies, but someone could attempt to contest that, leaving you with big legal bills and a huge amount of worry when you're grieving horribly. If you're both in an accident and die, with no wills, it would be horribly messy for both of his children, and depending on which one of you died first, could leave your son with very little to inherit.

If nothing else - get wills done, and done properly, so that you/your son don't end up facing homelessness if you end up in a worst case scenario.

I know this stuff isn't sexy or romantic, but it is incredibly important, and so much easier to sort out now rather than if one of you is terminally ill, or on life support in the hospital, or has just had a huge argument and thinking you're about to split up.

Shit happens in life - you need to be prepared for it, no matter how unlikely it is.

Would you?! I'd ask before changing my name.

I wouldn't buy a wedding ring or wear it on my wedding finger I'd just buy myself a nice ring ha!

Who needs next of kin rights or legal protection when you can change your name and make it all ok eh?

You don't need to use deed poll in the UK, you can just call yourself whatever you like.

If you change your name it could send him the signal that you don't really want marriage and are happy to settle for that.

Haven't RTFT but I think you should be clear that you do want to be married and bring up your children within the setting of marriage and no, nothing wrong with being partners in every other sense but it's not what you want.

If you have more children you certainly could end up in a weaker financial position and nobody actually foresees their partner turning into a bastard but it happens and marriage does offer protection.

Be clear and firm. Even if you can't currently afford it, it's a shared goal to plan with a definite date. Don't fgs end up being fobbed off with and endless 'engagement'.

Erm hang on!

When did I say it would make it all ok?

Obviously someone has to compromise and it looks like it's going to have to be me doesn't it.

I mean what are my options?

A) I force him to get married he resents me and I resent the fact that we don't have a good marriage

B) I accept the fact he doesn't want to get married, I legally protect myself and I consider changing my own name so it is the same as my child and my OH's.

C) I leave and throw away everything I've got, only see my child half the week, sell my house and find somewhere else to live and go through hell and back. Possibly find someone else who both accepts my child and wants to marry me, but have no guarantees of ever getting married anyway.

D) stay, don't legally protect myself, keep my own name, resign myself to the fact that I will never be married and not really know why. Hope my child never asks me this question. Potentially get left up shit creek without a paddle if anything happens to dp.

None of those options are appealing are they?

Plenty of men don't see a child as a commitment so why would they marry which is a legal one?

Did you not suspect when you first got together that he might not want to get married? He bought a house and had a child with his previous partner, but never married her. I don't think he wants to get married and I think the signs have been there from the start and am curious that you did not mention them in your OP. I understand why you want the security of marriage - the next of kin warnings on here ring very true for me after seeing what happened to an unmarried friend of mine whose partner died suddenly, but if you really felt that strongly you should have insisted on that at the start. A wedding can be as big or as small as you like. Friends of mine in your situation (already living together with children) have nipped down the the Town Hall in their lunch hour and only told people after the deed was done. I think if your partner isn't even prepared to do this then you may have a BertrandRussell on your hands (no criticism intended Bertrand). No need to break up over it (in fact that would entirely defeat the object), but do make sure you get all the legal protection you can put in place - though that will be much more hassle than nipping down the register office.