House... Baby.. No ring.

[littlerabbitface]

Have nc'd for this.

I suppose this is like a WWYD.

Basically me and oh live together, own the house together, have a baby, own a car jointly, finances are pooled. You get the idea. We act like a married couple.

However we are not a married couple.

Not even engaged.

At first it never bothered me really, but now we have a baby and him and oh have the same surname and I have a different one, I'll admit it does really get to me that we aren't married. I feel like a bit of an idiot.

Before anyone says well why did you buy a house and have a baby with him, well because I thought we would get married and I wasn't bothered if that came before or after a baby!

Now I'm starting to doubt it'll happen. We've been together four years. Neither of us have been married before. He's in his early thirties, I'm in mid twenties.

I know there is no real rush, and realistically we couldn't afford a wedding for maybe a year or two. (Though I'd be happy with a registry office and a nice meal! He wouldn't!)

When I've spoken to him about it he mainly just says we will do it in time, we will get there eventually, not yet, or in a few years, or what's the rush it won't change anything (technically it won't I suppose, obviously legally but in terms of our relationship nothing would change as we're pretty much living as a married couple)

He thinks I want to rush into it and doesn't see why I'm so bothered about doing it because it won't change anything. I say that if it won't change anything then why not just do it instead of putting it off for years.

I guess I'm just a bit fed up and this is just a bit of a whinge. I don't want to leave over this obviously as we have a good relationship, but I want to be married to him and I don't want to have to nag about it.

WWYD in this situation. Can you change the mindset of someone who is not very bothered? He is quite laid back anyway so it comes as no surprise that he is in no rush to do this.

Should I bring it up? Should I forget about it? Should I resign myself to the fact it may never happen?

I am hoping he is secretly thinking about it but I doubt that very much.

I need advice!

You are not a "desperate loser" for wanting to talk about your own future! I think quite a lot of women fall into the trap of feeling afraid to talk about marriage because they think it will somehow make them look desperate - no it won't. If marriage is important to you, you have every right to talk about it. I hate this outdated idea that women have to wait patiently and silently for their partners to propose. That gives all the decision-making power to the men, and it means they could be waiting forever for a proposal that never comes! It's much more sensible to have honest conversations about marriage, whether it's important to you and why, expectations in terms of timing, proposal (some couples just decide to get married, some women propose to men, some men think their girlfriend wants a big romantic proposal when she doesn't) and the wedding itself.

Marriage and children (in that order) have always been important to me. I made that clear to DH after we met and it became clear the relationship was serious. Of course at the beginning it was all very non specific, ie I want to get married and have children one day (ie not necessarily with him), but as the relationship progressed we established that we wanted to do things together, and then we started talking about rough timescales. There was a tough period when I felt ready to get married and he didn't. I had to explain why marriage was so important to me, and specifically why I wanted to get married before having children. He still wasn't ready but at least I had made my wishes clear, and was reassured that he wanted to get married in the next few years. Of course I had to wait until he felt ready, which was only fair, but luckily I didn't have to wait long. And the fact that we had talked about getting engaged beforehand (for example he said that he wanted to propose and I said that I wanted us to chose my engagement ring together) did not spoil the proposal at all. It was still magical and lovely. Also, it was a good thing he was on board by then, because planning the wedding did take time, work and some stress - but we did it as a team. It would have been horrible if he'd been dragging his heels and I'd had to do it all myself.

Atilla I am fairly sure he definitely would want 50/50 contact.

He has a child from a previous relationship who he sees twice a week. He would much rather have 50/50 but the child's mother will not allow it. He is considering taking her back to court but the child is getting old enough to make his own decisions now so he may not have to.

I am sorry to drip feed, I genuinely didn't think that his child from a previous relationship was relevant to us getting married.

He wasn't married to his mother. The child would be happy if we were to get married, he enjoys spending time here and we get in incredibly well. It's not a case of he's not marrying me as to not upset this child, it wouldn't.

toad everything you say is everything I thin about his reasons too!

Do what's best for you. He is doing what's best for him.

I'm a divorce lawyer. Marriage does make a difference. If you don't get married then you must make sure:

savings are split equally
your name is on the deeds to the house
you put as much into your pension as into his
you don't compromise your career in any way
you make wills

george than k you for this!

Savings are not split equally - he has none. He chooses to spend 'his money' (by his I mean both wages in one account - all bills paid - whatever left split in half) I do have some savings in an account of my own. Our child also has a savings account,

Both names are on the mortgage and deeds.

Pensions are pretty much equal. Think his is ever so slightly more but I can increase my payments if needs be.

I don't intend to compromise my career. Obviously I can't predict the future but I have zero intention of quitting my job or going part time.

We do not yet have wills but I am definitely going to ensure we make them asap!

Does he pay decent maintenance for his DC? How long did he live with the mother of his DC1 for?

timely I'm not sure what is best for me!

Dozer yes he pays maintenance. He layer he amount that is recommended but we also buy clothes and shoes etc etc contribute to uniform and the like.

He lived with her for about 9 years. They were v young when they got together if that makes any difference.

I sometimes wonder if their relationship has anything to do with it. I don't think it was especially bad though!

I am not married. My partner used to ask me regularly, but I really really don't want to be married. Maybe he feels the same?

"He has a child from a previous relationship who he sees twice a week. He would much rather have 50/50 but the child's mother will not allow it.
He is considering taking her back to court but the child is getting old enough to make his own decisions now so he may not have to"

I would actually want to know more re this second sentence of yours. There may or may not be good reasons as to why; also she is her child's primary carer. It also does not sound like your man has fought long or very hard to gain more access to his son. Re your last sentence its nice of him NOT, to put that burden now onto his son. Why has he really not gone to court to try and gain more access to his son?.

bertrand yes that is entirely possible.

But I do want to be married.

How do you come to a compromise? Whichever way it goes it's like one persons feelings are more important than the other!

I think the "compromise" we came to was that he wanted to change things and I wanted the status quo, so status quo won.

I would want to know why he didn't fight for 50:50 if that's what he wanted too, though.

I would actually want to know more re this second sentence of yours. There may or may not be good reasons as to why; also she is her child's primary carer. It also does not sound like your man has fought long or very hard to gain more access to his son. Re your last sentence its nice of him NOT, to put that burden now onto his son. Why has he really not gone to court to try and gain more access to his son?.

The reasons she is primary carer is because she was a sahm. He worked full time. He left and so she kept the house. He ended up living with his parents and obviously it was not ideal for chis child to live there full time.

We spent over two years in mediation and court, it was bloody hard going in everyone involved.

He hasn't gone to court again (yet) because although his son has asked his mother several times if he can stay with us more, she has said no. She has instructed both his son, and my partner that his son can dictate where he would like to stay and the frequency when he is 12 years old (I think this is batshit crazy but he's not my child and I can't do much about it other than give my opinion)

Oh is waiting (2 months!) until son is 12 and seeing what happens. If nothing changes he will take ex back to court undoubtedly.

While your at the solicitor, ask about having your son's name changed to yours. Present this to DP and tell him that it is important to you that you have the same surname as your son (cite the recent news stories of women stopped and questioned when travelling with their differently surnamed children) and that if he isn't prepared to do a quick registry office wedding to give you all the same name, then you want son's name changed to yours.
See what he says to that.

He did fight. At the time he/we were short of money and ex was adamant that he wouldn't get 'his way'

As explained she said child could choose when he was old enough and I guess oh resigned himself to the fact that things would eventually change.

Oh I was you 4 weeks ago and I totally get your frustrations!

DP and I have been together for 8 years, no kids yet but planning them and we bought our house jointly 2 years ago. No ring!

It used to really upset me to see other people getting married/ engaged who had been together for 2 years etc. DP and I have had many discussions about it and his excuse was always "I want to save for a proper ring" etc.. i called bullshit.

I started CBT for anxiety and as a totally unrelated side effect, I realised that my worrying about getting married was taking away the fun of being together now.

I spoke to DP about the anxieties I had and about how not being married was a sticking point.. he was lovely about it and we set a date: our 10 year anniversary in 2018. That's the day we'll be getting married and he'll be proposing some time before that

Ok, so it's not the shock romantic proposal everyone expects now but to me it's just as romantic and lovely.. it was an agreement of 2 people to commit themselves to each other which is so much more important than all the other stuff :)

Hindsight is a wonderful thing isn't it? I can see both sides here & I would only want to marry someone who wanted the same. What is your key driver for wanting to be married? Legal security or validity of the relationship? The link that someone posted earlier about your rights was brilliant

While your at the solicitor, ask about having your son's name changed to yours. Present this to DP and tell him that it is important to you that you have the same surname as your son (cite the recent news stories of women stopped and questioned when travelling with their differently surnamed children) and that if he isn't prepared to do a quick registry office wedding to give you all the same name, then you want son's name changed to yours.
See what he says to that.

Couldn't he just say the same to me though?

That's just swapping the situation around it doesn't solve anything!

TheNaze it is!

Bit of both I guess!

To me marriage shows commitment ( I know that's bollocks because.. Divorce but that's just how I see it!)

well, would you accept the compromise of legal paperwork to protect people & plan for the future, with the idea that you both anticipate marriage in the future, and it's not a taboo subject?

that would seem to be taking into account both people's feelings, and also how to protect your child.

After all - right now there's nothing to stop YOU from getting a great big promotion at work, having a work affair, then buggering off and paying no/minimal maintenance. If your career has better opportunities than his, it's a possibility. 5 years from now it could be him struggling with childcare costs and a single income. He should be looking to protect himself and your child. Sadly, it's frequently the higher earner who does the buggering off.

So how much access has he had with his son?

Did they co-own the house his ex still lives in then? And he signed it over to her?! Or continued to share ownership and pay half or all the mortgage?

pickly that's lovely! I'd be incredibly happy with that!

I don't know op. He doesn't seem into it. It will start to grate on you.

I lived on my own but my ex used to spend four nights a week at mine. Treated him like a king. Never got a penny.

Then he told me he didn't want children or commitment. How nice of him.

Then I met dh and he didn't stay over for weekends and until we got married did he move in.

We got married 18months after getting together and I still don't think it was the right thing as I wish sometimes we ironed out a lot (wifework issues) before by living together.

I would start making plans to be safe on your own financially.

If the father of my child refused to marry me there is no way on earth that said child would have his name.

He has his son one nightIn the week and every Sunday. Holidays are sort of arranged as and when but its generally an extra day each week, and a full week in summer.

He joint owned the house and paid the mortgage for two years after he Left, but when he decided he wanted to buy a house with me he asked her to buy him out and took a pittance for his half. She could not afford to buy him out for what it was worth but he accepted her offer of half the money, then another half when child is 18.