House... Baby.. No ring.

[littlerabbitface]

Have nc'd for this.

I suppose this is like a WWYD.

Basically me and oh live together, own the house together, have a baby, own a car jointly, finances are pooled. You get the idea. We act like a married couple.

However we are not a married couple.

Not even engaged.

At first it never bothered me really, but now we have a baby and him and oh have the same surname and I have a different one, I'll admit it does really get to me that we aren't married. I feel like a bit of an idiot.

Before anyone says well why did you buy a house and have a baby with him, well because I thought we would get married and I wasn't bothered if that came before or after a baby!

Now I'm starting to doubt it'll happen. We've been together four years. Neither of us have been married before. He's in his early thirties, I'm in mid twenties.

I know there is no real rush, and realistically we couldn't afford a wedding for maybe a year or two. (Though I'd be happy with a registry office and a nice meal! He wouldn't!)

When I've spoken to him about it he mainly just says we will do it in time, we will get there eventually, not yet, or in a few years, or what's the rush it won't change anything (technically it won't I suppose, obviously legally but in terms of our relationship nothing would change as we're pretty much living as a married couple)

He thinks I want to rush into it and doesn't see why I'm so bothered about doing it because it won't change anything. I say that if it won't change anything then why not just do it instead of putting it off for years.

I guess I'm just a bit fed up and this is just a bit of a whinge. I don't want to leave over this obviously as we have a good relationship, but I want to be married to him and I don't want to have to nag about it.

WWYD in this situation. Can you change the mindset of someone who is not very bothered? He is quite laid back anyway so it comes as no surprise that he is in no rush to do this.

Should I bring it up? Should I forget about it? Should I resign myself to the fact it may never happen?

I am hoping he is secretly thinking about it but I doubt that very much.

I need advice!

Maisie he hasn't refused as such. If he had I would not have got pregnant in the first place

Kickass yes I would!

It wouldn't be what I wanted really but I'd definitely do it

littlerabbitface then maybe that's the way to go about it with your DP? Pick a date that's important to you in the next couple of years: it might be an anniversary or a birthday maybe?

Then instead of asking him to propose, just simply lay out that: You want the same name as your son, and you'd like more than anything to get married on XX date. Ask him to make the commitment that on XX date, you and he will be getting married and at some point before that date he'll be proposing, even if it's with a haribo ring

If he can't make that commitment to you then you have your answer i guess?

You have got wills and things all sorted out, haven't you?

Madginger- if my dp tried that one on me, I would be incandescent - it might even be a deal breaker.

If the parents were not married at the birth registration and the father's details were added to the birth certificate and his surname was taken by the child, the birth certificate cannot be changed. In this situation, if the mother wanted to change her child's surname it would have to be done by Deed Poll.

Read more: www.ukdp.co.uk/name-change-birth-certificate-england-and-wales/#surname#ixzz4EIoMuRxd

If the parents were not married at the birth registration, and the father did not attend the registration process, it is possible to amend the birth certificate. It can be altered to show the father's details and the child's surname can also be altered. Please note that both parents must agree to such a change.

Read more: www.ukdp.co.uk/name-change-birth-certificate-england-and-wales/#surname#ixzz4EIonTRSZ

Both links show how complicated this can truly be.

I'm not going to use my child against his own father than you very much!

Maybe he isn't ready yet. Maybe he does have issues because of a past relationship or his parents. That doesn't mean he doesn't want to marry you unless he has specifically said he doesnt want to.

Why don't you propose? You will get your answer instantly.

He would say no I am sure of it.

Sorry but if he really loved you and wanted what was best for you he would marry you without doubt or second guessing...or interminable waiting.

His lip service about ceremony and such is a tactic to put you off... he won't out right say no because it might lead to an ultimatum from you deal breaker style.

He has baggage and may have decided he will never marry.

What would I do? Separate finances absolutely. Do not have anymore children with him.

I agree with Attila. Changing your child's surname would not be using your child against him. It would be ensuring that you, as the child's mother, have full and undeniable parental rights. Different surnames cloud that relationship. Claim what is yours. This is merely a consequence of your boyfriend's choices.

Have you considered double barellng your son's surname.

I know a few who did this because they weren't married. Once they got married, the mum's surname was dropped.

Strangely enough, knew someone who wanted to get married and her DP just kept saying it was only a piece of paper. That went on for years on end.

Until he was diagnosed with a terminal illness, then he decides he wants to get married, but she then declined his offer. Her belief was that he was thinking about himself and wanted someone to nurse him while he was ill and she had no desire to walk down the aisle now she was older.

She says she wished she left earlier, but felt stuck with DC.

She also said after giving it a lot of thought, he wanted to marry her for his own selfish reasons and she actually wouldn't be his wife that long before he passed away - so she left him.

I agree with this poster though

If you're good enough to live with and have a baby with then you're bloody good enough to marry.

I'd

"Sorry but if he really loved you and wanted what was best for you he would marry you without doubt or second guessing...or interminable waiting"

This could be true. But this does not apply in my case.........

This sounds very much like the position my best friend is in OP. She has been with her dp for 12 years and have a 6 year old dd. They are both 40. She still hasn't got her ring yet! They both earn good money and joint owned home / savings etc. he just 'doesn't see the point'.

They are a great couple, and I think my bff has given up now. Her, like you isn't interested in a big pricey / fancy wedding, but that doesn't seem to shift his view point. He is just dismissive of it. Seems a bit of shame really as I know (having been married twice and divorced once) how much more secure it would make my friend and how much from an emotional point of view it would mean to her. She has been like 'why don't I deserve to have someone want to marry me'. I think she has just given up now. Like you, her relationship is good so no real reason to leave him.

personally if that were me I would not have had a baby unmarried. But if it meant that much to me I would have an honest chat.

They may already have been covered, but the questions that jump into my mind about marriage are very unromantic but important

• are you next of kin? What would happen if either if you were very ill, or in a road accident? Would your respective parents, rather than your partner, get to decide what happened to you?
• do you own your house jointly or as tenants in common?
• if one of you leaves their half of the house to the other, would it be above the tax free value , around £325k now. If so, you would have to pay tax on it, in order to go on living there

Please ask him to think about these things, its so not about white weddings and rings.

agree with Attila. Changing your child's surname would not be using your child against him. It would be ensuring that you, as the child's mother, have full and undeniable parental rights. Different surnames cloud that relationship. Claim what is yours. This is merely a consequence of your boyfriend's choices.

Imo it is using baby against him, I wouldn't do it.

I do have full and undeniable parental rights. My name is on the birth certificate and I gave birth to him. There were many people in the room. I don't think anyone can dispute that he is my child. If would like the same name, but I'm not going to take that away from oh yo get my own way.

Claim what is mine? I don't need to claim my own child!

My DH was a bit like this. He was terrified of a big day, being the centre of attention and would happily have lived in limbo forever to avoid it, At the same time he was a bit of a traditionalist and wanted to surprise propose to me and get married to make our family "legit"!! We had a long chat, agreed that we would both like to marry and agreed it would happen within 5 years as we wanted more kids and didn't want to be getting married with a brood of teenagers! I think it took 2years in the end . He nearly vomited with fear when proposing and was as pale as a sheet and exhausted after no sleep on our wedding day but as soon as those vows were taken he was like a new man!!

You could have one more big frank talk with him about your feelings on wanting marriage. If he shows some interest in working through his feelings (with a deadline), you may cut him more slack for a time.

If he won't budge, you don't have much leverage, apart from telling him it's your deal breaker (if it is).

It's a rotten situation to be in.

are you next of kin? What would happen if either if you were very ill, or in a road accident? Would your respective parents, rather than your partner, get to decide what happened to you?
According to gov website posted below - it depends on the institution you're dealing with. So maybe yes, maybe no. Wouldn't know until I was in the situation.
- do you own your house jointly or as tenants in common?
Jointly.

- if one of you leaves their half of the house to the other, would it be above the tax free value , around £325k now. If so, you would have to pay tax on it, in order to go on living there
I wish it was but no it is not

"There were many people in the room".

Was he in the room with you when your child was registered?. I presume anyway that his name is on the birth certificate. Did you never consider giving this child your surname?.

I put those links up earlier as a response to another poster who was talking about getting the details changed on a birth certificate. It is not always possible to make such changes.

He was.

I did not.

He has pr.

Even if I wanted to change ds name he would have to agree and (rightly) would not agree.

Can anyone tell me what happens to my house if oh dies?

Do the children get his half whilst I pay the mortgage?

Do I get it?

What happens if we both die? Do the kids get equal shares even though only one is mine?

This is why we need wills isn't it.

"are you next of kin? What would happen if either if you were very ill, or in a road accident? Would your respective parents, rather than your partner, get to decide what happened to you?
According to gov website posted below - it depends on the institution you're dealing with. So maybe yes, maybe no. Wouldn't know until I was in the situation".

Forewarned is forearmed in your case OP and you need to know properly where you stand legally. You really do not want to have the scenario of actually being in that situation to then find out what is and is not possible.

In some situations, for example, when you go into hospital or complete a life insurance form, you may be asked to give the name of your next of kin. Next of kin has no legal meaning but, in practice, hospitals and other organisations generally recognise spouses and close blood relatives as next of kin. However, sometimes couples who live together aren't recognised as being next of kin.

littlerabbit

You really need proper legal advice, these are the sort of questions that are best answered by a Solicitor. You need legal advice for your own self in any case.

Wills certainly need to be done, and not "DIY" type ones either. These will need to be drawn up by a Solicitor given the property and children.