House... Baby.. No ring.

[littlerabbitface]

Have nc'd for this.

I suppose this is like a WWYD.

Basically me and oh live together, own the house together, have a baby, own a car jointly, finances are pooled. You get the idea. We act like a married couple.

However we are not a married couple.

Not even engaged.

At first it never bothered me really, but now we have a baby and him and oh have the same surname and I have a different one, I'll admit it does really get to me that we aren't married. I feel like a bit of an idiot.

Before anyone says well why did you buy a house and have a baby with him, well because I thought we would get married and I wasn't bothered if that came before or after a baby!

Now I'm starting to doubt it'll happen. We've been together four years. Neither of us have been married before. He's in his early thirties, I'm in mid twenties.

I know there is no real rush, and realistically we couldn't afford a wedding for maybe a year or two. (Though I'd be happy with a registry office and a nice meal! He wouldn't!)

When I've spoken to him about it he mainly just says we will do it in time, we will get there eventually, not yet, or in a few years, or what's the rush it won't change anything (technically it won't I suppose, obviously legally but in terms of our relationship nothing would change as we're pretty much living as a married couple)

He thinks I want to rush into it and doesn't see why I'm so bothered about doing it because it won't change anything. I say that if it won't change anything then why not just do it instead of putting it off for years.

I guess I'm just a bit fed up and this is just a bit of a whinge. I don't want to leave over this obviously as we have a good relationship, but I want to be married to him and I don't want to have to nag about it.

WWYD in this situation. Can you change the mindset of someone who is not very bothered? He is quite laid back anyway so it comes as no surprise that he is in no rush to do this.

Should I bring it up? Should I forget about it? Should I resign myself to the fact it may never happen?

I am hoping he is secretly thinking about it but I doubt that very much.

I need advice!

It's so difficult it really is. It's awful because it's like being rejected even though they obviously are committed and stay with you but it's still bloody awful

He does. I have mentioned this but he doesn't understan why I am so bothered. but that's bollocks because he wouldn't like it if he had a different name

I'm pretty sure he would say no to be honest :(

Sorry I haven't read all the thread BUT has he done the legal stuff yet?
Protected your interest in the house if he dies. Protected your DC if he dies. Appointed guardians. Dealt with next of kin? Named you on his pension, insurance policies etc?
Outlined his preferences for his funeral etc. Including wanting you and his DC there etc.

More than one friend of mine has got married quietly because it was easier and quicker (and in at least one case the man was about to take part in a potentially "risky" activity).

What do you mean by do some digging?

He's definitely not planning a proposal. He doesn't talk about it to his friends. He doesn't answer if they ask he leaves it to me to answer. I've just started telling them to ask him. If he has to answer he just says not yet. Maybe in a few years etc.

Potentially risky = sailing across the Atlantic - fine if there isn't a freak storm.

I think proposing to a man who has indicated he doesn't want to get married is a very bad idea.

In fact I wouldn't ever advocate proposing to a man under any circumstances.

If he says no, then what? You still stay there humiliated? That will cause too much emotional damage.

Or if he says yes and later says he felt he had no choice and was pressured.

The idea of booking dates at the registrar is equally very bad. Even as a woman I wouldn't want that. It's just too forceful and desperate IMO.

We may be in 2016, but I steadfastly think it's for the man to propose.

offside why don't you kick the OP a bit harder whilst she's down hey? Stupid comment and goady too. Of course she's fucking bitter. You clearly either haven't read the entire thing or you are just being obnoxious for the sake of it.

OP, you have asked your DP and he has given you his answer. There is nothing you can say or do to make him willingly change his mind. In fact, the more you push, by whatever means, the more resistance you'll get. From my experience, you're mad to sacrifice your new family of three for this status but that's your decision.

Cariboo - someone might say that her partner is mad to sacrifice his family for his determination not to see what the issue is

Hi OP

You have my sympathies, it must be so hard feeling like this.

Prior to getting married I lived with DH for two years and although I knew it was serious it never felt like quite enough. We got married before we had our DS as he wanted our children to be born within a marriage.

Things do feel different when you're married and I love saying a husband rather than just saying I have a boyfriend/partner. I just feel so secure knowing I'm in a committed family unit.

My sister once had a long term boyfriend/partner, they lived together, had two children together and in total were together for 10 years but he never wanted to get married. He then turned out to be a total shit (affairs) and my sister ended up with nothing. They were only renting a property that she then had to move out of (and he moved the OW in) and my sister and the two children (then aged 5 and 7) found themselves pretty much homeless. They spent about 6 months moving between different family members whilst she found somewhere she could afford to live. After ten years together she was practically left with nothing. She also hates the fact the children have their father's name as they barely see him now.

I'm obviously not saying that's going to happen to you but it just highlights how without that commitment of marriage even the most long-term and apparently stable relationships can disintegrate into nothing.

I know married men also have affairs and marriages can break down etc but it's obviously far easy to walk away from relationships/children/commitments when the couple aren't married.

My sister has now met someone else, they were engaged after 12 months and they are due to marry next year. When she looks back on the previous relationship with the child's father she can't believe how vulnerable she left herself and her current motto is, "If someone wants to marry you, then they will."

I'm not going to propose or book any registrars or anything.

I think only thing I can do is just leave it at least a year, see what happens and reevaluate.

Try talk to him again if that's what I want and it hasn't happened by then.

Sandy is right what if I asked and he said no? That would just be humiliating!

Kr1stina, someone could say that he's mad, or wrong or right. Whatever he may or may not be, he has a right to choose not to get married.

Indeed cariboo. No one is disputing that the Op has a right to want to get married and her BF has the right To not want to get married .

This isn't about rights, it's about two people who want different things from a relationship and these things are incompatible .

There's no compromise between being married or not being married . Same as having a child / another child or not .

Saying that someone is crazy to split up over it isn't helpful either way . Just because it might not be an issue to you , me or anyone else on MN doesn't help . It's an issue to the OP and her partner / BF. They both feel strongly about it .

She knows she either has to put up or leave - that's why she's so upset .

I think only thing I can do is just leave it at least a year, see what happens and reevaluate.

Try talk to him again if that's what I want and it hasn't happened by then.

What would you say that you haven't already said though?

I don't see the point in repeating yoursel (but that's your choice), since he knows your views, unless you tell him you've tried to forget marriage and be happy as things are over the last 12 months, but it hasn't worked for you and as a result you are going to ......... [insert words of your choice regarding the future of the relationship]

Have you sorted out the legal and financial stuff?

I wonder why marriage - or lack of it - has become such a deal-breaker when OP "wasn't bothered" about it before the arrival of DC. The relationship appears to be relatively stable and committed on both sides so why throw everything over for the sake of changing the status quo? Is the OP feeling insecure because her partner doesn't want to get married at the moment, even though she's now decided that she does? There are her feelings to be considered and respected, and his, but what about their newly-born child? I'm not challenging the OP's right to be married if that's what she really wants, just questioning why she wants it at any cost.

What would drive me crazy is:-

(1) Was he deliberately fooling me by saying we would marry after the house and DC and didn't mean it? If so, that's a pretty nasty thing to do.

(2) If he WAS genuine when he said we'd marry later and has since changed his mind - what has he changed his mind ABOUT? Wouldn't I have the right to know?

I think after a child, it does become more important. Of course she is feeling insecure. That is the whole point. She feels insecure because she has had a child with someone and given her child his father's name, thinking she would eventually have the same name too. She has done this under false pretences, because he doesn't want to marry her. It sounds like ever, not in a few months\years. OP I think you really need to accept he isn't going to marry you and go and see a solicitor about wills and all the other stuff asap.