House... Baby.. No ring.

[littlerabbitface]

Have nc'd for this.

I suppose this is like a WWYD.

Basically me and oh live together, own the house together, have a baby, own a car jointly, finances are pooled. You get the idea. We act like a married couple.

However we are not a married couple.

Not even engaged.

At first it never bothered me really, but now we have a baby and him and oh have the same surname and I have a different one, I'll admit it does really get to me that we aren't married. I feel like a bit of an idiot.

Before anyone says well why did you buy a house and have a baby with him, well because I thought we would get married and I wasn't bothered if that came before or after a baby!

Now I'm starting to doubt it'll happen. We've been together four years. Neither of us have been married before. He's in his early thirties, I'm in mid twenties.

I know there is no real rush, and realistically we couldn't afford a wedding for maybe a year or two. (Though I'd be happy with a registry office and a nice meal! He wouldn't!)

When I've spoken to him about it he mainly just says we will do it in time, we will get there eventually, not yet, or in a few years, or what's the rush it won't change anything (technically it won't I suppose, obviously legally but in terms of our relationship nothing would change as we're pretty much living as a married couple)

He thinks I want to rush into it and doesn't see why I'm so bothered about doing it because it won't change anything. I say that if it won't change anything then why not just do it instead of putting it off for years.

I guess I'm just a bit fed up and this is just a bit of a whinge. I don't want to leave over this obviously as we have a good relationship, but I want to be married to him and I don't want to have to nag about it.

WWYD in this situation. Can you change the mindset of someone who is not very bothered? He is quite laid back anyway so it comes as no surprise that he is in no rush to do this.

Should I bring it up? Should I forget about it? Should I resign myself to the fact it may never happen?

I am hoping he is secretly thinking about it but I doubt that very much.

I need advice!

A) You cannot force a man to get married. That is not a real option. All you can do it say you want to be married by so-and-so date (not too far in the future), is he in or out? He makes the decision. Be prepared to walk. There is no reason for him to not get married if you make it clear it is not negotiable. You have to call his bluff. Is the reason you are not prepared to do so that you are not confident he actually wants to marry you?

B) Please do not change your name or get a ring. It looks desperate and he will assume you have settled with (non-legal) scraps and will never bring up marriage ever again.

He has form for not marrying the mother of his child. You will have to force the issue or you will just languish into D). It is a shame you are not negotiating from a strong position because you now have a baby. However, you can still negotiate if you are prepared to walk.

I don't really want to start giving ultimatums because I don't want to leave :(

Is he just Abit lazy about it ? Are you waiting for him to take the lead ? If it's important to you, and you don't mind going against the "fairytale" then why don't you just get engaged to him? Discuss and set a date ? Maybe he doesn't mean to be like this but it just isn't important to him but he will happily go along with you if you take over ?

"There is no reason for him to not get married if you make it clear it is not negotiable. You have to call his bluff."

Or respect his views?

I totally agree with Bertrand here. Not everyone actually wants to get married. The "if you truly loved me line" is so ridiculous. That could be flipped the other way

OP, I was in this exact same situation. We bought a house together (a doer-upper), had a baby and I always thought the proposal would come. At the beginning he always promised me we would get married 'at some point'. Yet whenever I mentioned it there was always an excuse - 'too much work to do on the house', 'too busy at work', 'no money for the ring, ceremony' etc, etc (it didn't stop him buying a £40k car though).

Over the years the resentment in me built and built. He knew the reasons why I wanted us to be married but he just didn't care, it wasn't on his agenda. Fast forward 6 six years later our beautiful house is on the market and we've split. It was a deal breaker for me. Our relationship basically died yet I truly believe if we'd married we would be in a different place now.

Good luck OP, you will have to make a decision if you could be happy with things staying as they are forever. I couldn't.

I understand you don't want to leave, then you have to be prepared to suck it up. You have put all the power in his hands. Not sure what else there is to say. If it is important enough to you, you can leave him now or you can leave him later when you have thrown even more good money after bad and are in an even worse position.

I don't think it is a deal breaker for the OP. If so why didn't she force the issue sooner - especially seeing he hasn't married a previous partner with whom he had a house and child?

This was me 2 years ago. Moved to OH's country, had a house, a baby. I'd actually asked him twice before but he just said he loved me, he'd always love me, but he had no desire to get married. Finally, when we'd been together 6 years and DD was 6mo, I felt like I had to have it out with him. I'd been simmering all day and I think he knew it. But just before I opened my mouth, he finally asked me to marry him.

His argument against it was that he didn't want the fuss (neither did bloody I! I wish he'd just said so!) but once we had a baby, and he and she shared a surname but I didn't, he understood my point of view.

We had a small but very fun wedding, spent about £5k total, most of that being food and drink (it was a free bar). Since you're good with money, maybe you could cost it up for him so he sees you can have a great day without breaking the bank.

Or if he really, really won't then keep doing what you're doing. Don't take your foot off the peddle at work, pay into a pension, make sure everything is in joint names etc, discuss the kind of arrangements you want for your funerals - put it in writing etc etc It's up to him now.

One thing that really baffles me is this expectation that children have their father's name. Why do people do this?

If he says he wants to marry when you have the funds for it, I would sit him down and plan how you can achieve that. Talk through

what type of wedding
rough numbers of guests
honeymoon location
what it might cost

Then with a rough budget work out how much you could comfortably save per month to achieve it. Take into account any contributions you might get, existing savings you'd put towards it and any future additional spending such as childcare etc. Armed with a plan you can set up a wedding account.

If OH doesn't want to discuss it at all you will know he doesn't want to do it. If he wants a £25k wedding for example can you save £400 a month for the next 5 years to achieve it or are you able to save it over 10, 15 or however many years to get there? If you're looking at say 10 years are you willing to wait that long? If he's not prepared to start actively saving towards it you're never going to get there.

Wow some underhand tactics suggested on this thread!

I don't think that the OP has thrown back advice, I think she has quite rightly filtered out what she isn't prepared to do. FWIW I think playing around with a child's birth certificate to get your own way is pretty low.

This doesn't have to be a deal breaker OP. Get the legal protection in place re: wills etc and then decide how you feel. If you are happy as a family then you don't have to split it up. Life doesn't have to be big drama and ultimatums.

As Bertrand said some people just don't want to be married.

Just to say, that if dp tried any of the "tactics" suggested on here I would be really unimpressed...............

I was in this situation OP. We had been together five years, had two children and a mortgage. I tried waiting for him to propose. When that didn't work I tried dropping hints. When that didn't work I did exactly what I am always telling my children off for, and whinged. I didn't mean to, just one night I had a bit of a whinge to him about it and next thing I know he said 'ok then. let's get married.'

Not the world's most romantic proposal but he did go down on one knee to do it 'officially' a few weeks later.

Ever heard of the phrase only the squeaky wheel gets the oil?

Sometimes you gotta be that squeaky wheel.

Good luck

Sorry- that would make me cross too!

Really you shouldn't be in a position of trying to force him to marry you - it should be something he wants to do, either for himself or because it makes you happy. I honestly think he isn't fully 'in' - he has already left a relationship where he had a child so he isn't seeing your baby as the ultimate commitment to you.

I don't think you should be changing names (the baby's or yours) but given that women generally end up as resident parent in the event of a split you were unwise to not give your child your own name. Also (and I feel like I have wandered into a 50's timewarp for saying it) in doing so you have given away all your power that might have made him see things your way. He has got everything he wants so why should he change? Except to show you that you are his priority, which sadly I think you are not.

So your choice is leave or put up with it, ensuring that you are never at a disadvantage professionally or financially, which frankly sounds exhausting.

He hasn't considered this but lack of commitment from him means he runs the risk of you one day finding someone who will commit.

Marriage does not =commitment.

Not always - there are plenty of married people men usually who behave as if single. However it does indicate commitment to protecting her interests should the worst happen, a commitment to caring for her in the long term.

If someone proposed to me because they were forced into it I certainly wouldn't be expecting the marriage to last and I doubt I would say yes.
Some people just don't think marriage is essential.

Well I briefly spoke to him about the legal side. He 'doesnt see the issue' which has just really fucked me off.

Either he is thick, or he has a reason that he is not telling me.

He 'just doesn't want to'

How is that an answer!

I don't want to sort of underhandedly make him marry me but the more we speak about it the more hurt I feel.

I feel like he is being really selfish. But then I suppose I am being selfish too.

Out of interest Bertrand, why don't you want to get married? If you don't mind me asking.

I just don't get it! If he wanted me to do something like really really wanted me to and I wasn't really bothered and I didn't think it would change anything then I would just do it. I just feel completely unimportant!

Hmm. Doesn't really want to see the point does he?

So is this going to piss you off to the point where it becomes a deal breaker?

I'd like to think not but who knows. I'm really mad about it now.

I think you need to back off for a bit. If you keep trying to force the issue you will only make him back dig his heels in and refuse.

You should also look at what you do have because to me he sounds plenty committed for now. Leave the marriage stuff for a few months.