House... Baby.. No ring.

[littlerabbitface]

Have nc'd for this.

I suppose this is like a WWYD.

Basically me and oh live together, own the house together, have a baby, own a car jointly, finances are pooled. You get the idea. We act like a married couple.

However we are not a married couple.

Not even engaged.

At first it never bothered me really, but now we have a baby and him and oh have the same surname and I have a different one, I'll admit it does really get to me that we aren't married. I feel like a bit of an idiot.

Before anyone says well why did you buy a house and have a baby with him, well because I thought we would get married and I wasn't bothered if that came before or after a baby!

Now I'm starting to doubt it'll happen. We've been together four years. Neither of us have been married before. He's in his early thirties, I'm in mid twenties.

I know there is no real rush, and realistically we couldn't afford a wedding for maybe a year or two. (Though I'd be happy with a registry office and a nice meal! He wouldn't!)

When I've spoken to him about it he mainly just says we will do it in time, we will get there eventually, not yet, or in a few years, or what's the rush it won't change anything (technically it won't I suppose, obviously legally but in terms of our relationship nothing would change as we're pretty much living as a married couple)

He thinks I want to rush into it and doesn't see why I'm so bothered about doing it because it won't change anything. I say that if it won't change anything then why not just do it instead of putting it off for years.

I guess I'm just a bit fed up and this is just a bit of a whinge. I don't want to leave over this obviously as we have a good relationship, but I want to be married to him and I don't want to have to nag about it.

WWYD in this situation. Can you change the mindset of someone who is not very bothered? He is quite laid back anyway so it comes as no surprise that he is in no rush to do this.

Should I bring it up? Should I forget about it? Should I resign myself to the fact it may never happen?

I am hoping he is secretly thinking about it but I doubt that very much.

I need advice!

Boyfriend isn't a marital status either!

Of course it's not. I never suggested otherwise. He's a live in BF. That shows more commitment than a live out BF.

The reason matters because there is a world of difference between ' Of course I want to spend the rest of my days with you bringing up our child together but I don't believe in marriage, let's get wills and all the the other stuff n place to replicate some of the protection of marriage' and ' I don't want to be tied to you and I think when the woman of my dreams turns up, I'll be able to bugger off much more easily' The first one is much, much easier to deal with. The second is what might be going through someone's head in their darkest moments.

Well, it's probably safest to assume the latter and plan accordingly.

If someone cannot articulate a reason, isn't that a clue in itself? Trust me, if he had a reason he thought she wouldn't try to argue him out of, he would have proffered it by now.

How can you possibly be in a relationship if you assume the latter? I hope for poor OP's sake it's the former!

"Of course it's not. I never suggested otherwise. He's a live in BF. That shows more commitment than a live out BF."

What should I call mine, out of interest? 30 years and counting?

Live in boyfriend?

Bertrand - in Scotland , he ( or she ) would be your Bidie In

Well, he was my Bidey-in for the first few years, possibly!

Ah, maybe he's your gentleman caller then

Thursday afternoons and every second Sunday.............

Jane and Freddy (from Rainbow, the kids' programme) got married on May Bank Holiday weekend after 30 years. Jane looked fab at 66 in her outfit.

awww! Was Rod there? I didn't realise they were a couple!

Bertrand you can call him what you like because you are happy and secure. Unlike the OP.

DP and me have been together 25 years, have four kids and own a couple of houses and a business together. Originally the deal was try for a baby, and if it happens , get married.

So we had our baby and another unplanned one. Then life was quite hard and we had a rocky couple of years and well, the wedding never happened.

And when life took an upturn and things were going well, he took the stance that there was absolutely no need to get married as we were fine as we were. I've raised it a few times over the years, he's shut it down.

Two years ago we went to see a solicitor about our wills (we are fifty), and he pointed out that unless we are married we will pay a shed load of inheritance tax (or we could draw up a complicated and expensive trust). We decided we should probably get married.

DH said he was going to propose at the right moment. Well the right moment never came along. And actually, our grown up children started saying, "What the hell is wrong with you that you would rather give thousands to the tax man than get married?" and I started feeling really quite angry and a sad.

So about a month ago I basically had a big weeping peri menopausal breakdown and told DH he could just piss off out of my life if after 25 years he would rather throw money down the drain than marry me. And DH was quite shocked and...well, now we are officially engaged.

But now the kids are all excited about the wedding and talking bridesmaids and hens and parties and DH is all chilled and planning his stag and I am feeling quite stressed about it all. I don't want it to happen for a couple of years. I need to get my head around it.

After 25 years and four kids why not slip off discreetly for a private wedding and honeymoon? Hen and stag parties for a couple together decades seems a bit odd.

Blimey! Im not surprised you're anxious about it! I had a small informal wedding, and even that made me anxious, but after a 25 year build up and 4 kids going on about bridesmaids and stag and hen parties, it sounds really stressy! But I suppose its your wedding, yo should do it how you want

I dunno, I kind of feel our friends and family deserve a bit of a party. We've been to lots of weddings and anniversary parties in the last 25 years. The kids are madly excited. The DDs are wanting to do stuff like wedding dress shopping. It is my idea of hell.

We haven't even told our parents and friends yet. I think they will be delighted. There will be wedding fever.

awww! Was Rod there? I didn't realise they were a couple!

I think he was. They got spliced in the registry office and then onto Claridge's.

Jane was married to Rod in her twenties. Then divorced him. Then got together with Freddy when they met on the set of Rainbow. They then worked together as Rod, Jane & Freddy for years.

(see clip below) There was a funny back to the 80s style show where they discuss being accused of a menage-a-trois which they totally deny. I don't believe sweet, chirpy Jane could be that naughty, though. Not in front of the children

Sorry, I know FAR TOO MUCH about this trivia.

Tinky

Wow --- 25 years!

Well congratulations on your engagement finally.

Maybe you could elope! Very romantic.

I'm in same position op. 2 years ago it really really bothered me. We have seen friends & family get married
The fact that my dc have a different surname to me is still an issue. & my oh just point blank refused to hear my pov. He did remind me that of we were going to have money for a wedding we would both rather use it as a deposit for a house, but the fact he hadn't asked. Not even given a ring really hurt.
But I have had to accept he doesn't want to marry me. It makes me sad but I'm also secure enough to know that even with a ring if he wanted to go he would.
Financial we both have naff all so that wouldn't make a blind bit of difference.
I think it's just the romantic idea of a wedding & being able to say this is my husband.
I feel like a moron at 30+ and introducing the man I've spent the last 15 years with as my boyfriend

Irritatingly DH always introduces me as his wife. Last Cristmas we went out for dinner with a crowd from a new hobby and I introdused him as my boyfriend. He was quite irked, especially when a couple of people asked how long we had been seeing each other

Op, I know you feel a bit blue about it all. I think it helps to focus on the massive positives, you have a man you love who you are building a life with. If he didn't want to be with you a ring wouldn't keep him. Think of all the crap marriages there are, what you have is much better than that.

"Irritatingly DH always introduces me as his wife"

Well if he's your DH, surely you're his wife?!

Emma Yeah I'm an idiot, I often put "DH" on here because "DP" doesn't really convey 25 years, 4kids and complete financial intertwining. I'm as bad as he is.

I notice I've even called him DH in the post about us getting engaged

Yes you are as bad as he is!