Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

House... Baby.. No ring.

602 replies

littlerabbitface · 13/07/2016 13:42

Have nc'd for this.

I suppose this is like a WWYD.

Basically me and oh live together, own the house together, have a baby, own a car jointly, finances are pooled. You get the idea. We act like a married couple.

However we are not a married couple.

Not even engaged.

At first it never bothered me really, but now we have a baby and him and oh have the same surname and I have a different one, I'll admit it does really get to me that we aren't married. I feel like a bit of an idiot.

Before anyone says well why did you buy a house and have a baby with him, well because I thought we would get married and I wasn't bothered if that came before or after a baby!

Now I'm starting to doubt it'll happen. We've been together four years. Neither of us have been married before. He's in his early thirties, I'm in mid twenties.

I know there is no real rush, and realistically we couldn't afford a wedding for maybe a year or two. (Though I'd be happy with a registry office and a nice meal! He wouldn't!)

When I've spoken to him about it he mainly just says we will do it in time, we will get there eventually, not yet, or in a few years, or what's the rush it won't change anything (technically it won't I suppose, obviously legally but in terms of our relationship nothing would change as we're pretty much living as a married couple)

He thinks I want to rush into it and doesn't see why I'm so bothered about doing it because it won't change anything. I say that if it won't change anything then why not just do it instead of putting it off for years.

I guess I'm just a bit fed up and this is just a bit of a whinge. I don't want to leave over this obviously as we have a good relationship, but I want to be married to him and I don't want to have to nag about it.

WWYD in this situation. Can you change the mindset of someone who is not very bothered? He is quite laid back anyway so it comes as no surprise that he is in no rush to do this.

Should I bring it up? Should I forget about it? Should I resign myself to the fact it may never happen?

I am hoping he is secretly thinking about it but I doubt that very much.

I need advice!

OP posts:
Aranpoo · 17/07/2016 20:04

I think Usernamegone has a good point. If he refuses to make you his wife, stop acting like one and refer to him as the 'boyfriend'. Afterall, that's what he is.

My DP would hate this. Hence why I'm going to try the same with my "I'm not ready yet" DP! Ready to have babies and let me do his washing though!

bofski14 · 17/07/2016 22:32

Just save yourself the time and leave. If a man can look in your eyes and refuse to marry you, why would you want him anyway?

PridePrejudiceZombies · 18/07/2016 11:16

You might have more success stopping doing his washing aranpoo...

TheNaze73 · 18/07/2016 11:38

Pride is right. Threatening not to have babies with a man, would be more of a relief than a deterant. Threatening to stop doing the washing though would be cataclysmic....

bofski14 · 18/07/2016 16:13

I just found out that my ex paid 14k for his wedding with his ex wife. Wouldn't buy me a second hand ring. Says it all really. If a man wants something, he'll get it

princessmi12 · 18/07/2016 16:25

I just found out that my ex paid 14k for his wedding with his ex wife. Wouldn't buy me a second hand ring. Says it all really. If a man wants something, he'll get it
or he'll does it at first attempt and when first experience ends up in divorce hell be more careful next time

BertrandRussell · 18/07/2016 16:29

I find it extraordinary that anyone would suggest that someone that you have a house and a baby with is "just" a boyfriend.....

raisedbyguineapigs · 18/07/2016 16:32

There is nothing wrong with being someone's partner if that is what you want to be. But in the OP's situation, she wants to be married but her boyfriend has all the cards. He got the woman, the house and the baby. He shouldn't get the status of partner if only one person wants it.

princessmi12 · 18/07/2016 16:35

Does he contribute to the house,involved in bringing up baby and generally takes responcibility for the family unit?
If so then he IS a partner

BertrandRussell · 18/07/2016 16:39

So basically you're saying that he should have "boyfriend" status as far as the baby is concerned too? Hmm

princessmi12 · 18/07/2016 16:39

There is nothing wrong with being someone's partner if that is what you want to be. But in the OP's situation, she wants to be married but her boyfriend has all the cards. He got the woman, the house and the baby. He shouldn't get the status of partner if only one person wants it.
You describe here definition of fiancé,not a partner

BertrandRussell · 18/07/2016 16:52

Well, unless there is evidence to the contrary, you seem to me to be describing a committed partner who happens not to want to get married.........

SandyY2K · 18/07/2016 18:43

Partner is a term we've all come to use, but it's really not a marital status. It's usually married/single/divorced /widowed

I don't see anything wrong in referring to him as your boyfriend. That's what he is. He's your long term boyfriend and the father of your son.

Would being called your boyfriend even be an issue to him?

BertrandRussell · 18/07/2016 18:45

Boyfriend isn't a marital status either!

TurtleEclipseofTheHeart · 18/07/2016 19:22

I find it odd that people would advocate a dangling carrot approach to getting a man to marry you. Surely if you have to "punish" them in some way by withholding laundry (!) in order to make them see how much better life would be as your husband, you're just heading for an unhappy manipulative marriage! Either they want to marry or they don't; playing games won't make either partner happy!

PridePrejudiceZombies · 18/07/2016 19:35

If you think that post was seriously advising withholding laundry in order to get a ring on your finger, I think you may have missed the point a little!

TurtleEclipseofTheHeart · 18/07/2016 20:05

There were several posts along the lines of "stop acting like a wife" and no I don't seriously think people are going to be stopping laundry so that their blokes will think "ooh must get married so she will wash my pants". However, it certainly seems that some pp were suggesting punishing their DPs in some way or trying ways to persuade them to marry when they don't actually want to. If someone doesn't want to marry you then surely you would hate to think you had pushed them into it rather than them being enthusiastic? I think the same about surnames- I had some people suggest DS should be given my surname because "if he wants to give him his surname he'll have to marry you"! If DP only wanted to marry me in order to give DS his surname I would be devastated!

Doodles15 · 18/07/2016 20:15

OP what is his family background? Friends of mine were together nearly 20 years before they got married. One of them was exceptionally keen to get married however the other wasn't. This was due to their family background and what had happened to their family as they were growing up. The same person DID NOT want to have children, again for very personal reasons. circumstances changed, they moved abroad and needed to be married for visa reasons. This made it a logical thing for the second person and they are now happily married with the second person being a doting SAHP to a beautiful baby.

I think people are being ridiculous saying he doesn't want to marry you so bluntly. He may have his own reasons or indeed be saving up for a ring for you. If you show him the logic then maybe that will change things. Good luck x

BertrandRussell · 18/07/2016 20:28

Is it just me that finds expressions like "get a ring on your finger" a bit distasteful? No? Just me then..............

PridePrejudiceZombies · 18/07/2016 20:30

If he's willing to leave OP this upset and without the legal and financial protections of marriage so he can save up for a ring she doesn't need and hasn't said she wants, he's the ridiculous one. That is tittery of the highest order.

PridePrejudiceZombies · 18/07/2016 20:32

Is it just me that finds expressions like "get a ring on your finger" a bit distasteful? No? Just me then..............

It's almost as if a phrase with unpleasant connotations might have been chosen deliberately in order to make the point, isn't it?

raisedbyguineapigs · 18/07/2016 20:40

yes exactly. He is a man who can look at his clearly distressed partner and mother of his child and not even give her a reason why he doesn't want to marry her. She sees a distinction between being married and not in her head and legally. If neither party wants a ring, or the piece of paper and have willingly decided this and put all the provisions in place, then thats great. If not, then one party has to either get used to it, and potentially live a life feeling insecure and vulnerable, as many on this thread have felt. That is unfair. The least she deserves is a proper reason, and for him to willingly put in place an alternative to make her feel secure. The OP's partner has done nothing. Just said no, so again the OP is expected to just suck it up and put provisions in place herself for her own peace of mind. I would be mightily pissed off too.

LilacInn · 18/07/2016 21:18

What is "a proper reason," pray tell?

"I don't like the idea of marriage." "I feel claustrophobic at the thought of being tied to someone that way." "My parents fought a lot and I am frightened of marriage." "I'm just not that into you." "Why buy the cow when the milk is free?"

Would any of the above suffice? Does it really matter what his reason is?

NameChange30 · 18/07/2016 21:33

Yes it does matter what the reason is. Because it might help the OP understand and come to terms with the fact that he doesn't want to marry her.

He hasn't given a reason, not even any of the ones you listed Lilac.

toadgirl · 18/07/2016 21:34

If someone goes back on a promise they've made to me, yes, I'd very much like to know the reason!

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.