House... Baby.. No ring.

[littlerabbitface]

Have nc'd for this.

I suppose this is like a WWYD.

Basically me and oh live together, own the house together, have a baby, own a car jointly, finances are pooled. You get the idea. We act like a married couple.

However we are not a married couple.

Not even engaged.

At first it never bothered me really, but now we have a baby and him and oh have the same surname and I have a different one, I'll admit it does really get to me that we aren't married. I feel like a bit of an idiot.

Before anyone says well why did you buy a house and have a baby with him, well because I thought we would get married and I wasn't bothered if that came before or after a baby!

Now I'm starting to doubt it'll happen. We've been together four years. Neither of us have been married before. He's in his early thirties, I'm in mid twenties.

I know there is no real rush, and realistically we couldn't afford a wedding for maybe a year or two. (Though I'd be happy with a registry office and a nice meal! He wouldn't!)

When I've spoken to him about it he mainly just says we will do it in time, we will get there eventually, not yet, or in a few years, or what's the rush it won't change anything (technically it won't I suppose, obviously legally but in terms of our relationship nothing would change as we're pretty much living as a married couple)

He thinks I want to rush into it and doesn't see why I'm so bothered about doing it because it won't change anything. I say that if it won't change anything then why not just do it instead of putting it off for years.

I guess I'm just a bit fed up and this is just a bit of a whinge. I don't want to leave over this obviously as we have a good relationship, but I want to be married to him and I don't want to have to nag about it.

WWYD in this situation. Can you change the mindset of someone who is not very bothered? He is quite laid back anyway so it comes as no surprise that he is in no rush to do this.

Should I bring it up? Should I forget about it? Should I resign myself to the fact it may never happen?

I am hoping he is secretly thinking about it but I doubt that very much.

I need advice!

Having had similar conversations that end up with my oh getting very angry and shouting a crap proposal at me (he doesn't feel we 'need' to get married), I honestly think it's a case of having to put up with his decision or move on.

Coubselling may well heal cracks in other parts of the relationship but with marriage, if things have gone this far then if he suddenly says "ok I'll marry you" - is he being forced into something he doesn't want to do for the sake of staying in a relationship with you or does he really want it? You'll question yourself the entire time about his commitment to the marriage. And really what difference would it make in the end? It wouldn't heal that rift between you, it would just make at least one of you resent the other.

I liked a PPs idea of getting a solicitor involved for the administrative side of things but not as a means to rush him into marriage because it'd be cheaper and more simple. It would be wise to have wills set up anyway.

I'm sorry you're in this situation OP. Believe me I know how hard it is to feel the person you love with all your heart doesn't want to marry you. I'm quite happy accepting that with my oh (most of the time) but it doesn't stop me wondering why, years and years after we had that conversation.

OP I could have written your post! We have been together 4 years, have a joint mortgage, savings etc and a 2 year old baby. He has massive issues with marriage that I can't understand. I, like yourself, wasn't asking for a big fuss. Just a commitment but he's kept me hanging on for four years with promises of "next year, not yet" etc This week I decided enough was enough and I have left the relationship because I'd rather be alone than live in limbo.

Every day you are with him is a day he is actively choosing NOT to marry you. Every day you spend waiting is an opportunity missed to find someone who DOES want to build something real with you.

You deserve a marriage. My advice - get out now and rebuild something real. Because a man who chooses not to marry the mother of his child is not a nice man.

Littlerabbittface

I am marrying a dither after ten years in three months time! He used all excuses your BF used as it was always what's the rush and it's only a bit of paper! It got to the stage where I was planning to leave him before he proposed (as he got wind of it) and then started to dither again and wouldnt set a dates or anything to do with the wedding. As far as he was concerned everything was fine with the status quo so why change anything! Even if I wasn't happy with the status quo. Until I burst into tears and blurted out if he has a daughter would he want her to give her hopes and dreams for a man. He said of course not! Then I said that is what you are asking me to do! That's when it dawned on him and the wedding was booked within a week!

In essence your BF is asking you to give up on your hopes and dreams. Would you encourage your DS to do this when he is older? No of course you would encourage you to pursue all his hopes and dreams!

Basically when your BF is saying is he is happy with the way things are and doesn't care if you are unhappy as he is happy and that is the most important thing.

I started started exercising regularly. Made new friends and started going out regulaily (once a month) without BF. Went on holiday with my friends. Refused to go to any of his friends weddings (as I didn't know them so why should I put myself through something painful). Wouldn't spend my savings on frivolous things he wanted/thought were important. Got a promotion at work. In conversation referred to him as my BF not partner. Basically, I started treating him like a BF not a DH.

Basically you are treating him like a DH when he isn't. You need to start treating him like a BF. If he brings up having another DC I would advise you to say no -not whilst your relationship is unstable.

It is strange now as he is so excited and all he talks about is me becoming his 'wifey' how I will be Mrs X after dithering for so many years!

What my DP didn't realise as well is that all my family and friends lost respect for him over the years as they knew how important marriage was to me and therefore if he didn't want to marry me then obviously he wasnt good enough for me! There is no need for your family to invite your BF to any family occasions/get together as after all he isn't your DH so legally he isn't family!

What did user14677...... Write? I missed it!

Usernamegone.... I think that's a good idea. I think you're right I should start doing stuff for me for a bit :)

Maybe I should stop doing his washing and tell him if he wants a housewife he should get one

"There is no need for your family to invite your BF to any family occasions/get together as after all he isn't your DH so legally he isn't family!"

Jesus. Words fail me.

I'd invite anyone's live in partner regardless of legal status

I won't be excluding him from any family occasions!

user14677... just posted spam

Ah right ok

A most my relatives are a lot older and invariably after a gin or two came out with when are you getting married/when can I wear my hat, etc. Which made family get togethers excruciating as I wasn't prepared to lie to my family so in the end I just said you will have to ask X.

Little your family can invite who they want and I am glad they invite your DP. However, when the see how unhappy he is making you and how he will end up leading you down the garden path for 5/10/15/20 year they will start to lose respect for him.

I think you need to explain to him how important marriage is to you, I got very upset before we got engaged as I felt my husband couldn't make his mind up, we both wanted children and in the end I said that I couldn't do this without the security of marriage he now feels that being married is the best thing we did. Does he have friends who are married could you ask him to talk to them to reassure him that he's not going to be on a ball and chain etc! My husband still goes on skiing and golfing holidays with the boys since we are married I would t expect him to miss out on this, maybe he is just scared it will change things but you need to tell him how you feel x

Basically when your BF is saying is he is happy with the way things are and doesn't care if you are unhappy as he is happy and that is the most important thing.

In a nutshell that's it.^^^

OP

I just wanted to say, the counselling is a good idea, but not for you to figure out why you want marriage or why it's so important to you.

Wanting marriage is normal and there is absolutely nothing wrong with you for wanting it.

Have counselling to figure out if you can happily remain in the relationship without marriage.

Anyone who suggests that wanting marriage is wrong, or something that you require counselling for is way off base and I'm worried that you're almost starting to find fault with yourself for wanting what approx 80% or more young people want for themselves.

There is nothing wrong with you.

I don't want counselling to talk myself out of it, or because I think I shouldn't want it. I know a lot of people want it, I'm not wrong for wanting it.

I think counselling would help with the issues I have in the background but hopefully it will not only help me to see why I want it so much, but how to move on from this.

Maybe we need couples counselling too.

I don't particularly want to talk about it to him any more though if im honest.

Name changed for this because it is very painful. I'm in my very late thirties and in a long term but long distance relationship. Unless we change career, we can't live together for at least another 18 months (and that's a huge deal, think vet or architect sort of training thrown away). I have had some reservations but in retrospect I think because although he seemed the committed one, after years, no ring ever appeared, just the same old talk about how we can't live together just yet. And it would happen when we did. I too endured the "you feel better with a ring on it though" comments.

I thought I desperately wanted children, I always have, but I hadn't met the right man. Stressed and busy, I messed up with the pill and amazingly become pregnant, against the odds. Instead of happiness, I felt utter dread. He would support me whatever I chose to do. But it seemed that didn't include a quick marriage. I hadn't realised how much I wanted to be married (assorts of other things come in here, such as difficult family dynamics, rejection if unmarried) but essentially, though I don't judge or even think about in anyone else's relationship, I wanted marriage.

I had a medical abortion 3 weeks ago at 8 weeks. Physically it was agony and I'm still bleeding, still sore now. And he still says he wants marriage, just not yet. My time has run out for another chance at a family, I think. I'm making some hard, hard decisions. I don't have time to meet anyone else. But the effect of thinking and believing a ring would appear, giving up a couple of years ago and convincing myself it didn't matter, then realising it did and going through something that I can't square with myself is desperately lonely. Like a set of lights have been switched off and they can't be relit.

OP I do get it. It may be illogical but it can matter to some people, just as it doesn't to others. I see all my friends married around me and wonder why I am not good enough. And now I have made a decision which tears me apart. I hope you will do better and having and loving your child is something. I hope you get legal protection you seek.

Sorry for all the typos. Trying not to sob all over the keyboard.... In essence I thought it didn't matter and then conclusively and finally it did matter. Beyond anything. And my reservations came in part from the gradual disillusionment of passing birthdays and holidays with no ring..

Sounds like a difficult decision and I admire your courage. I think you need to end the relationship tbh. You deserve someone who wants to marry you, not someone who keeps you hanging and causes you this much pain

Poirot - I'm so sorry to read this . Are you getting some RL support ? This is too much to deal with on your own :-(

Thanks Kr1stina. Not really, I'm ashamed and feel very bad about the whole business. and to OP too. Sometimes life catches you out

Oh Poirot I'm so sorry. I no mn doesn't do hugs but if I could give you one I so would xxxxxxx

Ps please do not be ashamed there is absolutely nothing to ashamed of xx

poirotspincenez , ohh, to you (and op)

This is all so new and raw to you, i hope you find some relief soon x