House... Baby.. No ring.

[littlerabbitface]

Have nc'd for this.

I suppose this is like a WWYD.

Basically me and oh live together, own the house together, have a baby, own a car jointly, finances are pooled. You get the idea. We act like a married couple.

However we are not a married couple.

Not even engaged.

At first it never bothered me really, but now we have a baby and him and oh have the same surname and I have a different one, I'll admit it does really get to me that we aren't married. I feel like a bit of an idiot.

Before anyone says well why did you buy a house and have a baby with him, well because I thought we would get married and I wasn't bothered if that came before or after a baby!

Now I'm starting to doubt it'll happen. We've been together four years. Neither of us have been married before. He's in his early thirties, I'm in mid twenties.

I know there is no real rush, and realistically we couldn't afford a wedding for maybe a year or two. (Though I'd be happy with a registry office and a nice meal! He wouldn't!)

When I've spoken to him about it he mainly just says we will do it in time, we will get there eventually, not yet, or in a few years, or what's the rush it won't change anything (technically it won't I suppose, obviously legally but in terms of our relationship nothing would change as we're pretty much living as a married couple)

He thinks I want to rush into it and doesn't see why I'm so bothered about doing it because it won't change anything. I say that if it won't change anything then why not just do it instead of putting it off for years.

I guess I'm just a bit fed up and this is just a bit of a whinge. I don't want to leave over this obviously as we have a good relationship, but I want to be married to him and I don't want to have to nag about it.

WWYD in this situation. Can you change the mindset of someone who is not very bothered? He is quite laid back anyway so it comes as no surprise that he is in no rush to do this.

Should I bring it up? Should I forget about it? Should I resign myself to the fact it may never happen?

I am hoping he is secretly thinking about it but I doubt that very much.

I need advice!

Last Cristmas we went out for dinner with a crowd from a new hobby and I introdused him as my boyfriend.

That's quite interesting actually. Kind of shows he knows the right thing is to get married after 25 years.

Before I got married, my now DH was a bit put out when he couldn't come away to my parent's house at Christmas because my sister's DH and my brother's fiancée were also going to be there and he loved spending time with them all. We would all have lots of fun together.

I told him my parent's weren't interested in any BF who wasn't marrying me sleeping over in their house.

The following Christmas he was my fiancé.

I did go through a (probably irritating) phase of calling DP out on the wife thing every single time. He'd be on the phone saying, "Well yeah, me and the wife......" And I'd be heckling in the background saying "Which wife is this then? Your secret wife is it?"

I've worn him down haven't I? Water dripping on stone. It's only taken 25 years.

Some of you have a rather strange way of going about persuading your partners to marry you.

I suppose if you've been together decades and already have children together there isn't much left to negotiate with.

How can you possibly be in a relationship if you assume the latter? I hope for poor OP's sake it's the former!

If it was the latter id be gone believe me.

I used to call my H my ex-boyfriend, which amused me.

Now I call him my ex-husband.

When I'm feeling polite, obv.

Just a few points...

Most of our friends are engaged or married. We dont have any friends who are divorced. Quite a few are younger than him and married so it's not that he's the youngest to do it etc.

Also I would be really pissed if he referred to me as his wife, when I'm not.

He is only a boyfriend though isn't he. I don't like being a girlfriend but think partner is a bit of a cop out. I'd be unhappy if he called me his live in partner/girlfriend that just sounds a bit crap

Why is partner a cop out?

Someone selling poppies in Sainsbury's asked my BF if perhaps his wife would like one. I piped up "oh, I'm not his wife, he's already got one of those, I'm the other woman". He blushes easily lol. I might add that he was separated for over 2 years before I met him, serves him right for not doing anything about it.
Anyway, he will stay a BF and not graduate to partner status to my mind until he's divorced, I've said I will never live with him until he's single - nearly 5 years and counting. Lucky I'm in no rush to change the life I have with my DS, so no prob my end, happy to just date and spend weekends together for now, things might be very different when DS finishes school or is independent, however.

Partner is a bit like well I'm happy enough to stay but not happy enough to commit to it. I love you enough to live with you but not to marry you. I'm serious but not serious enough to make it official. It's a cop out. It's a made up relationship status by those who don't want to marry. It's shit for those of us who do. I use it because boyfriend is embarrassing but really partner is just as bad.

I hate the fact I have to put single on forms. They don't have 'long term boyfriend who says he loves me but won't commit' boxes!!

It only means that because you've decided it does. To me it means an equal and committed life partner-a real helpmeet- with none of the baggage and misogyny of wife. It indicates adult people who stay together because they want to.Not because the church or the state or society says they must.

Wife or husband, that should have said.

Well obviously it does to you because you don't want to get married, so partners Is all you'll be. You're happy with that. I'm not happy with that!

But on anything official you're single.

I'm sorry he won't marry you - I'm a bit mystified at his view that having a baby together isn't a commitment but marriage is.

Still, I'm still a spinster (and I'm ancient). I lived with my man child ex for 13 years, neither of us bothered about marriage. He cheated, I was able to dump him, finish the tenancy, and move out in 2 weeks without a backward glance. I thank my lucky stars I didn't have to go through a divorce, and wasn't entangled with him financially (he was crap with money and had taken out loans to pay for prostitues).

My current 'boyfriend' wants to marry, move in, he's very traditional. He is lovely, but I still feel safer being a 'spinster'; I have mor power to call terms, leave, control my finances, etc.

I'd advise you place your interests, and your child's far before you ever consider his - be selfish. Every man/woman for themselves in your relationship, so play by these (his) rules.

I'm not sure it would be any harder to leave if I was married (not that I'd want to leave!) Yes we'd have to divorce bit we already own a house and have a baby so wed already have a pretty difficult time breaking up if we did.

If I wanted my own house/finances/control over everything single handedly I wouldnt be in a relationship at all! We're a family not just two people dating!

This is why I don't get why he won't do it.

I think having a baby with someone is a commitment but by having a baby youre not committing to be together you're committing to bringing up a child for 18 years and at least being civil to the other parent. There is no obligation to stay together iyswim? Not that I think he's gonna leave!

I think for anyone who doesn't want to get married or doesn't believe in it, they will not understand where you're coming from OP. They just won't, because marriage isn't important to them.

For the next 12 months don't mention marriage to him and try as best as you can to be happy within yourself and with your life.

You may find that in a year's time either he has a different view or that you are still in the same place and you face the realisation, that in spite of trying to be happy and take your mind of it, that you just can't continue in the relationship without it ultimately resulting in marriage......, because it's still making you unhappy.

You decide if your future is being with him (but unhappy without marriage) or you without him, where there will be sadness initially, then you find happiness elsewhere.

I've known people where you are now and when they eventually ended it, their Ex got married to someone else within a year. But I don't think they would have ever married the women I knew.

OP I haven't read the thread - just seen it going for a while.
If I were you, I'd look into your local registry office, see what dates they have available, find out how much it costs. Give your partner a few possible date and say that you want to do it now or never because it is horrible being left in limbo. Emphasise how much it means to you and why.
If he answers 'never' - have a re-think about everything else in your relationship - it is ridiculous to have the house and baby but feel 'not ready' for the marriage!
If you aren't in the right space to split up over it, just stop doing something you do because it is important to him - so he knows what it is like to be treated with disregard- that might give him some empathy.

I think sandy is right. You don't want to split, but you can't make him change his mind by going on about it. You can't help how you feel. I would feel the same way. I agree with you that a house and child are commitments to the house and the child, not to you. You can successfully co parent and live with someone you are not committed to. The only thing you can do is put legalities in place, then forget about it for a while. If you can put it behind you, then great. If you can't, then you can't.

I don't think the OP has judged those who aren't married or don't want to be. She does want to be married. She was promised it and it hasn't been delivered. I think the thread and probably her discussions at home are now just going round in circles.

OP I hope you are ok. It's very tough and I don't really have much to add except this... I wonder if writing it all down could help. I had spoken umpteen times about my problems to my OH and he made noises but I could tell he didn't "get it". In despair I wrote a short, concise and painfully honest note about how it feels to me, my experience. I came in to find him after he'd read it and his face was bleak and he finally understood and talked about things properly. I think too late for me but if it might help find a different channel of communication maybe you could try it? I hope you can find a resolution. I'm sure there is one, but finding a way through without him shutting off sounds so frustrating.

I completely disagree with you re partner and you're comments about it make you sound bitter.

Myself and OH refer to each other as partner when talking to others, we're getting married next year.

Boyfriend/girlfriend is a bit high school and non committal whereas partner is much more than bf/gf, much more adult and for me, used in place of husband and wife when it isn't official.

Well obviously I am bitter about it. I think that's plainly obvious.

I don't care whether others think it sounds like much more than bf/gf to me it's not. I don't want to be a partner I want to be a wife!
If it works for you (even though it's pretty irrelevant because you're getting married anyway) then fine but it's not enough for me!

I don't want to be rendering to my boyfriend or partner for the rest of my life! I want it to be 'official' as you put it.

I'm just going to leave it because talking to him obviously isn't working. Pressuring him into it isn't what I want but I also don't want to leave, and I don't want to be someone's partner either.

I am in a similar position to you OP and it hurts. I told him I really wanted a proposal before baby and said baby is now one and I still don't have one. I don't want a big flash wedding either, not my style. I'm going to talk to him about it again but not holding my breath!