11yo DS emotionally abusing me

[jayho]

He's following the script, I don't know what to do to stop him.

For background I split from his extremely EA father nearly six years ago. Ex assaulted DS in February and they have had no contact since. It was just the two of them in the room so one person's word against the other. I was offered the option to prosecute but opted for SS support in the interests of them maintaining a relationship. Ex maintains DS is lying and that he will not see him as he feels 'vulnerable to false accusations'.

DS does not know this, he says he doesn't want to see his father and that's that.

To be frank, DS is hard work. He's anxious and demanding, very oppositional and negative and can be aggressive. I have a strong sense that ex has grasped at a 'get out of jail' card. I know he and his new partner have struggled with DS's behaviour and now he doesn't have to anymore.

So the best interpretation I can put on the situation at home at the moment is that various authorities listening to DS seems to have given him a sense of entitlement. Since he stopped seeing his father he has become more and more controlling of me. I don't know if it's through anxiety or what but it is driving me mad.

We have a number of on-going flashpoints. One is bedtime. So I take younger DS to bed first, we have a story and a cuddle then I go in to 11yo. Elder has taken to repeatedly bursting into younger DS's room demanding to know when I will come in to him. I have explained to him a thousand times that if he keeps doing this I will be longer. He always acknowledges that I'm right but then does exactly the same thing the next night.

So last night before I took younger boy up I carefully and deliberately said to 11yo 'I'm taking boy to bed, please go up at 9, have a wee, brush your teeth, go in to your bed and I will come him when he's settled. Please do not come in to boy's room, I will come to you when he's settled. Do you understand?' and asked him to repeat it back to me to make sure he was clear.

30 mins later he bursts in to the room. He does it four more times. Eventually 7yo says 'don't worry mummy, I'll go to sleep on my own to stop him shouting'.

Finally got them both settled at 10.30 pm and I'm exhausted.

This morning 11yo absolutely denied that it happened. He came in once, he didn't shout. I was asleep and dreamt my version of events. He's adamant.

What can I do? Can anyone propose a strategy for dealing with this? I feel like I'm going mad and being bullied by a child in my own home. It's awful

You're spending 30+ minutes "settling" a seven year old. No wonder the older one feels pushed out.

Do you believe that his father assaulted him?

Lello - yes

Did your son have any say in the decision not to prosecute his father?

Flogging or maybe the 7yo has as much issue with anxiety etc... Than his older brother and does need such a level of 'settling down'.

jayho I fully agree with involving the SS if they are already involved with access etc... They might be able to get you some therapy/counse;long for your ds.
But more importantly they might be able to help you sort out the root cause of the issue, your ex?

Lello no he didn't, I made the decision in what I thought were the best interests of the family

I think you need to consider more closely the impact that the assault and the aftermath have had on him. He's 11, old enough to know that was his father did was wrong yet he hasn't been allowed any sort of justice? IME SS are only interested in facilitating contact at all costs. It's no wonder your son is struggling.
I would seek out family therapy or counselling completely independent of social services.

I agree with the poster who said that your son DOES have a behavioural problem and you do need professional help for him .

His behaviour IS abusive and no wonder that you are so upset about it .

I want you to know that your instincts ARE correct and this isn't normal behaviour for a boy of this age . This isn't your fault and you are NOT overreacting . You didn't cause this problem but you can't fix it yourself. Your son needs help , thsi won't go away on its own .

Those of you blaming the OP for her sons behaviour need to think again - victim blaming doesn't help anyone in the family . The child and the OP are victims of what they have both been though, blaming her is shocking .

He's not being heard.
You're sending him off to get himself ready and taking half an hour excluding him while you settle his brother. That's how he sees it.

He needs help, your boys both need help. They have been in an abusive environment and have been powerless to do anything about it.

get them both out of the clutches of their father, get some proper time for them to realise that life isn't like that and they are safe. Talk to them individually and together if possible, they are old enough to know that what their dad does is not right or healthy. Look into specific support for them and for yourself

Have you done the freedom programme? Have you got any support groups nearby?

There is no magic bullet and even full on therapy/group/freedom programme is going to do ll the fixing you need it to, you will still need to deep bloody deep and be almighty brave but you will get through this.

Main thing is stop the current abuse of your children, get them safe and you'll all heal.

His behaviour is unhealthy. He's not abusing anyone, what drives him is something else.

If it's caught now, if the motives and fuel behind it are dealt with now he can learn other ways of communication and expressing what he wants.

If he gets attention and heard this way, yes, it'll be a method he uses and if unchallenged it may become a behaviour he uses to manipulate things and people in future.

He is an 11 yo boy who has been assaulted by his dad, and needs comfort and safety.

So, met with his support worker. Father has agreed to family group mediation, might be wrong name, after refusing to have anything to do with services.

Feel sick. She's referring son to two programmes, can't remember names, Compass reach? and one for children who've witnessed domestic violence - not DART, another one.

Will need strategies to cope with being in same room as cunt.

Well she carries some blame because as a parent she has some responsibility for the welfare of her child.

I dunno, it seems like the script is that you marry and procreate with an abusive man, he subjects the children and you to violence and fear. It takes you years to get out. You sustain huge emotional and psychological damage. Your children don't even have the advantages you have. This is all they have ever known. They sustain horrific emotional and psychological damage. They have no voice and receive no justice. They lash out desperately for help.

In response... You label them abusive, slap them with some disorder label and start hotly insisting that the real issue is that people are wrongly judging YOU the parent. I mean, if that looks like good parenting to you then I guess we'll have to agree to disagree.

You need serious advice FAST!

Counselling is not to be undertaken with an abuser unless the therapist is specifically trained in counselling abusers in sessions with their victims.

Speak to Womans aid and see what they say?

Agree with Hissy
You need some advice, both to protect yourself but to protect both of your dcs.

"It's very odd to be in a conversation with a child and to think 'you're trying to make me feel bad, you've twisted that round' etc."

Honestly and genuinely, in my experience that's completely normal! My children twist everything -because they see the world from a different view point as children and they can't hold the adult view that I have.

I think your DS is just trying to bring control and order into a somewhat chaotic life, but being 11, doesn't have a skilled way of doing it.

jayho - as hissy said - why are you agreeing to mediation with your son's father - is it because he wants to maintain some control and will only agree if he is involved. My son was referred to PCamhs but refused to go - i also arranged family mediation - the x wanted to be involved but as I refused to attend with him they agreed we could alternate - this way they got to see the dynamics with both parents and they could see for themselves - sadly again my son refused to attend - i firmly believe that kids need to know that x's behaviour is abusive despite what some of the professionals say - im not protecting his reputation at their expense - I have been constantly telling my kids how much i love them - trying to ignore the bad behaviour and slowly I am starting to see some changes - and from reading the thread about adults still suffering after a bad parent i beleive this is the right thing to do - im not letting my kids go through years of turmoil and possible counselling because he thinks there is nothing wrong with him and all the "issues" are mine.

He is desperately seeking control because of his experiences with adults in the past. As you say, it took you the time and support of others to realise the abusive situation you were in with your ex p, so imagine what he's going through as a child. This doesn't mean you let him away with murder, but maybe you need to look at how you're approaching situations and supporting him in a different way. His rituals and desperation to have you to himself are a typical sign of needing to control everything to make himself feel safe, so the important thing is to recognise that and work out how he can feel safe without it negatively impacting on others. The good news is that his relationship with you is really strong - you might not feel it, but the fact he pushes his boundaries shows he feels safe and not afraid of a negative or dangerous response.

I'd recommend reading up Dan Hughes' PACE style of parenting (playful loving accepting curious and empathetic) to see if this could help. It might help with your perspective of things which could help your stress levels and the way you're feeling about things. It's not easy, and you still need support for yourself, so remember to look after yourself while seeking help with him.

An 11yo emotionally abusing youand following the script?! WTAF.

He's a difficult child. That is all.

1. Your child feels like he has no control over adults because his own father assaulted him. Therefore, he has created tactics to get back control on a low level by refusing/not admitting to things and on a higher level by lashing out. He needs pyschological healing.

1. In addition to assaulting him, his father has got away with it because a prosecution was not followed and his father is allowed to tell lies about it too. This has shown him he has no control over adults, that adults are unfair and that there is no justice for him. So the rules adults impose are bullshit.

1. Further to that, he has witnessed domestic abuse and will re-enact it. This is what children do with trauma. They behave the way the abuser behaved to try and get over it/control it.

1. Now he faces mediation with a man who abused him and his mother. This is not right. You can't mediate with an abuser. Perhaps pursing prosecution for assaults against you and your son will stop you having to mediate with him (which will be impossible) because this will only teach your son he has no control and the abuser has all the control.

I understand you were abused by this man too. I would advise you to get help for yourself and independently for your son and with a counsellor think about prosecuting this man for what he did to your son at least. And also speak to children's services to prevent mediation occurring with an abuser, because it doesn't work.

You can heal each other with the help of counsellors. His personality is fluid until adolesence (when his personality will solidify) so you have a few years of working on making him feel safe, that he has control over things when an adult abuses him and that abusive actions are negative for everyone including the abuser.

It's ok to go back on that decision not to prosecute - it's not proved to be the best thing for your ds.

Have you heard of Love Bombing? Worth a Google if not. You set aside some one to one time, a weekend, day, afternoon etc and your DS chooses what you will do. Keep everything very positive and it helps reset things between you basically. It helped me with my DS.

You CANNOT engage in family mediation with a man who has abused you and your child.

This absolutely illustrates my point about SS only being interested in forcing children to hacpve contact whatever the cost to the child.

Have you had contact with Women's Aid?

I disagree that kids can't be abusive. Kids should be accountable to an extent, otherwise anything they do wrong can be blamed on parenting. No matter what mistakes the OP has made with boundaries she is right in assuming that her child threatening her with a screwdriver etc is abusive. The child clearly has zero respect for her and thinks he can bully to get his own way. Maybe he has learnt his ways from his Dad, it's ok saying the OP is directing her fears from previous said relationship towards the child, but the child is displaying very worrying behaviours. OP I'd advise you to get your son help and support, aswell as yourself as this whole situation sounds very upsetting and difficult.

This absolutely illustrates my point about SS only being interested in forcing children to hacpve contact whatever the cost to the child

My experience is that SS were very clearly saying to me no contact, you need to keep your child safe - but they had no legal way of enforcing that, in the absence of a conviction (I am in Scotland, where corroboration is needed, which was absent - one word against another).

There were no child protection issues as long as I was keeping my DC safe, which I am. I got the impression that it was not so much contact at any cost, but as there were no protection issues (I was clearly keeping DC safe), it became a matter for the family court (which may amount to the same thing, we will see).

Could your 11 year old not stay up longer? It seems unfair to put him to bed at the same time as a 7 year old. He deserves to have his older age recognised. Then after spending no more than 10 mins with younger boy come down and spend time with him. Love bombing as suggested. There might be something he would like just to be your thing eg play cards or a special game. One on one is very healing.
Please do not go into mediation with a violent man. Things will just get worse.

Focus on your ds. He needs so much love. Maybe forget about connecting money to chores at the moment as it only leads to strife.