what do you and dp do on a night?

[lifesucks75]

I need to ask for fear of going insane! Can you leave the room and not be followed, can you read a book without being bollocked, can you chat to friends online?

Oh yes, ive forgotten to mention, I've started walking every day now. I still cant sleep at night (which I know is not healthy but I cant help it). As soon as it gets light I see dd is up for school (she gets a lift so no problems there and ds is in the house so she's not alone). I put my headphones in and I walk around the block, I actually quite enjoy it. I've managed to cook a little, do some washing and a bit of shopping today (a much as I could carry) and nothing bad happened! I hope this is progress...it doesn't feel like it but it must be.

Sorry to air this again but I was just sitting here thinking.. I should be bloody proud of myself really, I saw some awful things as a child, I never saw a "healthy" relationship which is probably how I was able to be manipulated so easily, and it would have carried on down to my beautiful dd. I have broken that cycle now. Everything i'm going through now, all the pain and confusion i'm feeling is so my kids can have happy healthy futures. So i'm NOT a bad mum at all. I just hope they'll see that one day.

I read your thread a few weeks ago and have now read all your updates. I've got to honest I didn't think you'd kick him out and you've proved me wrong, you are once again the strong person you used to be. I'm really proud of you OP, all you've ever known is shity relationships but you've managed to turn it around. I know I'd rather be on my own then treated like crap. Keep up the good work OP. You've got the strength!

I wouldn't have done it at all I done think if I hadn't have had the courage to reach out to a friend I hadn't seen in over ten years during one of our many break ups. She encouraged me out of the house to see her which was so hard for me, I was a complete mess. She didn't judge me, she just did me some tea (I said I may not be able to eat it, she just laughed and said so what...its only one meal, the dog will love it!), we started chatting and laughing, and I saw a different relationship...she's with a lovely man now (who I do know as we all hung around together as kids, they've ended up as a couple after all these years) I sort of observed them with amazement at the time, they're so relaxed and trusting together. Turns out the one person I reached out to was the right person, she went through a horrible relationship and we drifted apart because of her partners actions, she's now a trainee social worker which also gave me the courage to realise that the threat of social services is a common one abusers use. I got back with him one time after that but I stayed in touch with her as much as I could.

Now i've finally kicked him out for good everything is clicking back into place. She has been incredibly patient with me, not shouted at me once, just knowing she's on the other end of the phone helps. Sometimes she talks me down when she can tell i'm wound up she'll talk about it for a while then distract me and make me laugh. I'm very grateful to her for her time as she's so busy with her studies and her kids. It only took that one person to show me some kindness to give me the courage to reach out to other people. I reached out on here too for support and instead of being shouted at and told i'm selfish I've been supported here. I'm getting my friends back in rl, ok so its on fb because a lot of them have moved away but I can actually chat with them now and laugh.

I've got a new friend (I hope) my dd's friend's mum offered me a chat and I actually took her up on it (very difficult when you're shy)..guess what? She didn't shout at me either! My best male friend has been golden even though he's hundreds of miles away. My kids seem happier, I think they finally realised how ill I became. There were some times I really wanted to post on here but my hands were shaking with nerves so much it was impossible to type, that has gone now for the most part.

I honestly thought I was going crazy but the more I keep him away from me the better it gets. I have bad days when I feel its all impossible but that's just a blip I've been told. I know it's text book stuff with abusers but when you're in that situation you just cant see it, when they're constantly telling you how much they adore you, that you only need each other, we'll make it together, it's us against the world etc. Basically, he saw a shy, lonely single mum and KNEW I would be an easy target. He always said I was beautiful, caring, kind, funny, intelligent...and you know what I AM, (ok I scrub up alright I guess) but more than that, i'm loyal, honest, polite, i'm a good mum, I've got morals...everything he HASN'T got. He KNEW what he'd got in me and he was terrified of losing it. What he DIDN'T know was how strong I can be when I need to be..he's picked on the wrong person this time. He's weak and pathetic to go through life manipulating and using people the way he does and I deserve much better than that.

This is big change for me, I've always hated change. New home, relationship gone, new friends but I've got a feeling that everything will be alright now. I really think it will . Oh and social services are involved but guess what? They didn't come screaming in here to remove dd either. Nothing bad has happened, they told me i'd done the right thing! If anything good comes out of this, hopefully i'll have confidence, which is something I've NEVER had, I might be a better person, my kids when they are older will think back and respect me for putting them first when it hurt me so much to do it. They wont see it now, but one day they'll be very proud of me. I know that.

Op what a wonderful wonderful post. You should be proud of yourself because what you have done is just fabulous. I don't even know you and I'm proud of you. Well done. I truly hope things continue to improve for you

life I've just read thread the whole thread. Just wanted to say, well done that woman. You rock.

You have shown that you can fight back, one step at a time. When things are crap, keep going.

Unfortunately, with the festive season coming up, there will be many women who post on Mumsnet because they are in awful situations. I really hope that you post on their threads to help show that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You could help so many others.

Finola, I would do but unfortunately I don't know how to link threads and my brain is still confuddled at the moment, i'm not really there yet. BUT, if this could help anyone else then i'm happy for them to read it.

I'm still having my ups and downs, I tried to go shopping today and ended up walking out of the supermarket and coming home in tears, it was all too much...the lights, the noise, the people...I cried all the way home thinking what a useless mother I was that I can't even pick up shopping.

A bad day today, but i'll get there...I've just got to keep trying.

OP you are amazing and I'm so glad you are in a better place. I hope things continue to improve. Baby steps.

OP I hope you realise just how fabulously you're doing. Really inspiring. Keep going - one little step at a time

We usually either game or watch TV mostly together but not always. We both go out without the other on different days. We both also do our own stuff on our own iPads e.g. I mumsnet or message friends. I've no clue what he does on his.

Him following you everywhere and cuttting you off is far from normal.

We normally have a box set of some sort going on . But I read and do this . He's playing a game on the iPad ..
he sounds annoying . Have you told him to bugger off ??

Op if your leg keeps giving away like that, you need to see your gp. It could be your spinal roots being compressed by a disc or degeneration of the spine. Please see one asap.

Op that's not normal. You should be able to go to the loo in peace.

Of an evening, DH and I will watch TV together, he might play on a game on his phone and I'll do my cross stitch, we clean and tidy, do laundry, I'll go off and have a bath..we might need to get specific jobs done like decluttering or something that we don't want to do when DS is awake. I would say 50% of an evening is together and 50% is doing stuff that we need/want to do by ourselves.

And I have RTTFT and you are simply amazing. So strong. Anxiety is incredibly hard to deal with! So happy to read your update.

I feel like I've totally destroyed my "family" and ruined our Christmas. But...I went outside as it was getting light and I took a good long look at our new house. It's a really attractive house, its spacious and I think if I try hard I could make it a nice family home. My wonderful friend is coming up this week to help me decorate the lounge as it's bare walls which is a bit depressing (I got rid of him as we were halfway through prepping it). She knows I cant do it all because of my pain. I haven't got any floors yet, just a very cheap piece of felt like carpet that doesn't fit but there isn't anything I can do about that before Christmas. None of that matters though does it? It's MY house, not his...it's MY family home to do whatever I want with. It's so daunting starting again but i'm going to put my lights on the front of the house for dd...the last two years exp promised to put them up and let her down both times the selfish git, he wouldn't let me do it and he always found an excuse not to. I am going to make the most of a bad situation, quickly decorate this room and put all the Christmas decs up...don't get me wrong, I really don't feel like it i'm so sad and upset but I will force myself. I'm not letting that awful man spoil our Christmas, he always used to find a way to spoil any kind of occasion with his petty sniping and bad attitude (even dd picked up on that), and if she puts the stars slightly wrong who cares? It doesn't have to be perfect, life isn't perfect. (The night he was funny with her over that I was so angry, I told him it wasn't some military operation, it was FUN)...thinking back he put a dampner on everything we ever did. No going out in the rain, our clothes would get wet, shoes would get dirty. No getting sand in the car when we were on holiday. Not a single pet hair on our clothes, had to roller ourselves before going out even if it made us late. Bit of dust on a jumper? Gotta be washed, cant just brush it off. The more I think about it the more it's coming to me...that man is a monster

What a great thread, OP you made me smile.

Oh dear, i'm having such a major wobble tonight. Woke up at three and cant wait for daylight now. This is the time I hate, middle of the night, no one to distract me. I was just running the whole relationship through my mind.
The first tantrum he had, I was so shocked, I didn't understand what i'd done wrong...but it was early days and when he came back I just thought he'd realised he'd made a big mistake, fair enough. Then it happened again and again and again excuse after excuse. "Oh it's the stress of my ex harassing me, oh i'ts because i'm overworked" then later on "it's frustration at losing my job because of my illness". The trouble is, the longer it went on, the more I was getting used to him being around, knew he'd always come back...and when he did he'd have his normal month or two weeks of "niceness" during which time we'd be making memories together, and it's those memories that are killing me.
The time he wrote "will you marry me" in big letters on the beach, the time he came in on my birthday with bunch after bigger bunch of flowers, the times he'd patiently wait while I tried on dresses, camping together, going to Tesco in the middle of the night just to buy cheesecake because we were bored, the little notes he'd leave around the house...the list is endless. Every picture in my phone was taken with him and I remember the back story to every single one. HOW can this be the same person who bullied me constantly and controlled every single aspect of my life? All he had to do was STAY like that, all he had to do was be NICE to me, but he could never keep it that way for more than a few weeks. It should have been SO simple, we loved each other to pieces....I just don't understand. I did everything to keep him happy and he repaid me by nearly giving me a nervous breakdown

Right life, pull yourself together. Maybe it would help if I thought of it this way:
That selfie we took on the beach together? A few hours later he was raging at me because he'd spilt his tea and it was my fault for handing it to him.
All those flowers and chocolates? He arranged them on the mantelpiece and made me take pictures, then got arsy because I wouldn't put it on fb,
That picture of the cat playing with his toy? That's the kitten he kicked across the room.
That picture of dd in her beautiful prom dress? That's the same child who has had to see her mum being put down, called names and sworn at.
That selfie of us in the car? That's the same car he slammed on the brakes in after I took my seat belt off to get out, so my head hit the dash, not hard, just enough to scare me.
That pic of our lovely Christmas tree? The one we had to do twice because when we were decorating it the first time he kicked off, made me cry and stormed out.

Ok, I feel a bit better now. That appears to work for me.

Right, sorry for rambling on, I probably just need a bit of reassurance....
The scenario (think I did mention this briefly further up): He starts kicking off over something completely daft...I don't want to argue, he follows me around the house goading me. In the end I say i'm going for a walk. (To clear my head, so I can calm down..as a person I really don't like confrontation at all) So it would go like this: Him: "Ohhh you're going to the off licence aren't you, any excuse you pisshead" Me: Ignores him, gets coat on. Him: "You ignorant bitch ignoring ME" Me: Ignores him again, tears starting to well up. Him: "look at me when i'm fucking speaking to you, they say you can tell a LIAR when they wont look at you". Me: Starts to go out the door. Him: "Go then, the minute you're gone i'm leaving, phoning ss and telling them you've left your kids alone". Me: Takes coat back off, goes into the garden. Him: Follows me out and starts again while I cry and cry and cry. God I felt so trapped!

I'm a bit peed off with my mum actually, I know it's only out of concern for me but she knows i'm not sleeping well. Yesterday I was up at 3am, I finally went to bed around 10pm. 1.30am this morning I get this text (which wakes me up) Mum: "Are you up?" Me: "yes" (well obviously mum because you just WOKE me up) Mum: "can I call you?" Me: "Is it urgent, I don't want to wake up too much?". Fall back to sleep. 3.30am Mum: "no not urgent, just wanted to know you're ok" Me: "yes i'm fine" Mum: "is there anything wrong?" Me: (trying to text quickly) "Ni" Mum: "Please answer, im getting worried" Me "I HAVE answered" Mum: "does Ni mean No?" Oh FFS...so I had get up and phone her, couldn't get back to sleep and now im exhausted again. I NEED sleep...she just cant be texting me every two hours during the night, its going to make me worse! That's why I ended up thinking and crying!

Wow! Just read the whole thread; it's breath-taking

I was so worried about your leg, and was going to suggest a little walking every day, but now you're doing that anyway.

I was going to suggest that you remember the events around the happy memories to see how much those moments cost you, but you're doing that anyway.

You find solutions, you find ways to deal with things. You are intelligent and kind and sensible and loving, and yes, you are a brilliant mum

As the days turn into weeks, your lives will become more real and natural, without the goading and bullying and controlling, and you are already seeing how people respond to your reaching out, and how your children are able to return to you the kindness and love that you give them. Now that he is not there showing them that they should be horrible to you, now that they no longer have that awful example in front of them, now that they know they don't need his approval.

Brilliant mum you are. Lovely person.

I think you'll find that your fear lessens as you make more forays into the world. Sometimes it'll be harder and you will have to take deep breaths to calm yourself, but you'll get more and more confident in yourself and those times will be fewer and fewer.

Most important - allow yourself to fail sometimes! Be kind, you're a human being not Superwoman, you don't have special powers! Humans make mistakes, get things wrong all the time. Your dd put the stars up wrong once and as you say "so what?". Use that attitude on yourself too. So you didn't get the shopping - so what? You'll get it another time or go to another shop or get it delivered. Be as kind and understanding to yourself as you are to your children.

Now, practical matters. How's your leg? My dh had sciatica for two years. He was taking industrial strength codeine and bombed out most days, sleeping for a good 3 hours every day (as well as all night). He had spinal decompression surgery in January and is a different man! Yesterday he was up there fixing the roof! Ask your gp about it.

Feeling really sad today. His daughter called me a couple of days ago, I've never saved her number so unfortunately I didn't recognise it and answered. She said "Oh have you rung me?" Which for starters is bullshit because I haven't, I couldn't have even done it accidentally, it isn't saved in either of my phones, not in the logs, anything. I wasn't nasty but I told her its over and he needs to stop pestering me. So later I receive a frantic call from her saying he's crying uncontrollably, talking about ending it all and they're looking for him. She asked me to call him. I said no, i'm sorry but no, it will make everything worse. She was quite funny with me which is the last thing I need right now.

Once again, i'm the villain. Clever, very clever...he KNEW if he did that she'd be so worried she'd call me, and he thought i'd be in touch..he's done that before you see and I went straight up there. Nice man, USING his own daughter to try and get me back. Of course, she can't see it, its her dad, she loves him...it's not her fault, but its not mine either.

The police are doing absolutely SOD ALL, they haven't even warned him off yet...im fed up with having to fight for everything, I just don't need the stress.

My leg has been quite painful again the last few days but I am booked in for a scan on my back now in a week or so...fingers crossed they will find out what's wrong.

I'm fed up, totally fed up with all of it. I'm having to force myself not to cry, concentrating on decorating the house up for Christmas for dd.

Oh and thank you memoires, that was a lovely message

Just read the whole thread. What an eventful year you've been having, life! You have come such a long way.

Typical behaviour, trying to get to you through his daughter and a suicide threat: you did so well not to respond.

And your mum's phone calls in the night, really unhelpful. I leave my phone downstairs at night - I find it really helps me switch off. Could you do that? Or at least switch it off if you need to keep it by the bed. Tell your mum that's what you're doing so she mustn't worry.

Keep on keeping on.

I had a terrible day yesterday . Went for my morning walk, got back, dd came in and said she was bored so I told her to get ds up and we'd do the Christmas lights. Ds told her to fuck off. So me and dd went out. Now I HATE heights, always have done, its only a stepladder (we don't put the lights up very high, just above the front door height). So i'm up a ladder, in the rain, leg hurting, struggling to get these lights up on my own, ex had been texting again. Ds suddenly came out, I said "oh, you here to help us?" He said no, he was going to his friend's to help her with some DIY. I told him I needed him later to help me get shopping, he said it wasn't his problem, that Id known he was going out.
I'm afraid I lost it, ripped the bits i'd done down and went into the house in tears. I cried and cried to ds's friend who had stayed the night then called my friend in pieces. She calmed me down, said send dd up with a hammer, she's nearly 13, its not high and she'll probably enjoy it. Ds's friend came out and we did it together, although it did take us hours.
I just felt so hurt, it's only the kids i'm decorating for, to be honest I really couldn't give a shit about Christmas this year. I KNOW ds has his own life but he knew if I got rid of exp he'd have to help me....I just couldn't believe his attitude...his friend has always helped me more than he does!
I feel sick with nerves, I don't know anyone here, this laptop is only a year old but the keys don't work properly, it keeps missing letters out so it takes me an age to type, my mobile is on its way out, it now wont text properly and the screen is going. It's only this contact with the outside world that's keeping me going...if I lose that i'll crack up . I feel so hopeless.