what do you and dp do on a night?

[lifesucks75]

I need to ask for fear of going insane! Can you leave the room and not be followed, can you read a book without being bollocked, can you chat to friends online?

I feel such a complete idiot and a drama queen. I tried to tidy up and ended up on the floor...a positive mindset didn't get me anywhere. Thanks for that in the kitchen, it IS so painful but I know theres people with much worse so I try not to complain. Only thing I can compare it to is the worst period pain ever but in my leg. (sounds stupid) Exp wouldn't accept this and I don't understand why my leg has stiffened up so much. Im no doctor. But it has, I feel like such a waste of space, I cant cope on my own obviously, I already knew this. Ill lose this child for sure now.

You can cope and you will cope, please stop berating yourself, let your mind and body recover. Go back through all these posts, make notes of what you think will be useful to you and what you can resolve to tick off the to do list tomorrow. And try to sleep, that's the best thing you can do for yourself.

We have nights we do stuff together and nights we do stuff apart.

He got a bit bogged down with a stupid online game recently that he played alllll the damned time, which he has finally stopped doing! But we also have a 6 month old so evening are precious!

I say I like to be together at night and watch a film of chat. But following to the loo is a bit mad!

Not saying you are, but are you constantly on your phone? Maybe he feels like the time you have together is constantly compromised because of your phone. Me and DH had to cool it on the phones because they were getting in the way of quality time.

If not, then, nope, he's being a weirdo!

Just read the thread... oh my god. Poor you!

I rarely look at my phone Lubi, maybe in total 30 mins a day?

Hi Op

Read a little of your back story, well done for getting out of that awful place. You should be so proud of yourself.

I realise this may not be appropriate for you but worth a try if poss.

My friend had very very bad debilitating sciatica, they were helped by a chiropractor. The chiropractor also explained to her that when you are under emotional stress this can show as a physical symtom through your body too. So it's not surprising after everything you've been through.

Very few are accessible through NHS though, but even if you could afford a few visits and explain to them if your financial situation doesn't support a long term treatment plan.

Just have hope there is more out there than just painkillers and physio, even if it's not an option now.

it's so painful! (thankyou for kind message by the way). I don't want to whinge I really don't but its like banging my head against a brick wall trying to get anyone to listen to me. Ex dp would happily watch me cry in pain trying to get upstairs for example. I do think its really selfish the way he was, if he forgot his charger hed send me upstairs for it, made me run around the house looking for things he needed "urgently". Every night I have not sat down for more than ten minutes for four years...im so worn out!

Your first priority is your leg, if that is less painful then you will feel more able to cope. Rest rest and more rest. You are shattered physically and emotionally, call your gp today and watch crap telly with your leg up. Take the day off - give yourself a break. Also it really is ok to say you are in pain, don't put yourself down, the opposite you need to look after yourself

What Rick said...also try woman's aid if you stil havent got through. time to love yourself ....the rest will follow.

What shall I do today? At the moment im sitting in with the curtains closed, heart pounding with fear...of what im not entirely sure. I feel like such a complete loser. I asked dd if what she said to exp the other week was true. She said to him that she stays in her bedroom because she doesn't like him. I wasn't sure she really meant it because he was golden to her but firmer with her than me, always made her get on with her homework, tidy her room etc. I'd long given up on the room thing although it seriously used to piss me off. How can I explain..dd has always been stubborn right from a baby, used to have the most horrendous tantrums and I always used to back off. I'm not a strict mum and as a person conflict really upsets me, don't get me wrong I've always protected them from danger and done the best I can for them...sometimes I think I've spoilt them too much. I was always the one who thought let kids just be kids and have fun because youre only a child once but he was more strict, getting annoyed at a bit of mess. We always had this thing at Christmas (before I met him obviously). Bit of a tradition as dd calls it, decorating the tree together, santa hat, slade on the stereo, me dancing around like an idiot (I am quite childish maybe). But an example a couple of Christmases ago she decorated as she likes to and he moaned at her that the stars weren't even. That upset me because she's just a child, she'd tried her best, it was supposed to be fun. So anyway, getting back to the subject, I asked her, she said it was true..she said "I just want you to be the mummy you used to be" and that broke my heart. I want to be that person again more than anything.

And you will be. That person is still you. If I were you I would call your gp and get an appointment to talk about the pain in your leg. I also think that some counselling would be an excellent idea, she or he could help with that. You have done the right thing by getting him to leave, do not doubt that for a second, it is the right thing to do. Now you need to be kind to yourself, have a bubble bath, perhaps start writing some lists if you feel up to it, but most important is to be gentle with yourself. If you are feeling scared, deep breaths in through your mouth out through your nose, and a bit of distraction, put the radio or tv on. It is ok. It is ok to be you.

Thankyou Rick, one of the problems now is if I put the radio on my kids think ive lost it because its not something I do often, couldn't listen to music while he lay on his backside watching tv, he wouldn't allow the noise. They also don't like me having any "me" time. I wish they could understand that I probably just need to recharge a little bit. They are not babies, I am their mother and they should be a bit kinder to me. My son behaves like a spoilt brat at times and I think back, at his age I had a child, a job, a mortgage, bills to pay...and he whinges if he has to make a sandwich? Ds's friend actually told him once, I was flued up, stressed, in pain and just trying to talk to him about something...his friend actually said "stop talking to your mum like that she's not well". Dd's friend did the same when I took them swimming, I knocked their changing room door and dd screamed at me, her friend said "how can you speak to your mum like that?" I am just so tired of being yelled at and spoken to like a piece of crap. I just want one day where im not shouted at or put down but it doesn't happen. I must be such an awful person. Exdp told me id just got it wrong, he only shouted at me because he's a loud person (he is) but i'm not stupid! Words can hurt, very much. When you get up in the morning, see your partner in a foul mood and you don't know why but you know it will be taken out on you, that every little thing you do is going to make him angry...I could never understand why he was so angry with me, so i'd just go quiet...try to keep the peace...but then he wouldn't leave me alone "why are you ignoring me, you don't love me" blah blah bloody blah and he wouldn't stop until I cried, then he'd shout at me for crying! I couldn't win no matter what I did.

and I have tried to ring WA again, I've been trying for three days now and it is just constantly engaged. I am trying so hard to get the help I need but honestly? I feel like throwing the phone up the wall, it's just useless. My gp surgery is well known around here it is almost impossible to get an appointment and when you finally do you wait an hour to see a locum who basically doesn't give a flying fart and sends you away. Im so pissed off with it all, it just stresses me out even more.

and now dd will be back so I cant phone WA anyway, I don't want her hearing it....sorry for rambling, im frustrated.

You just need some time. You are a good person and you deserve to be treated well. Even if you see a locum that's better than nothing, so please just try. Perhaps you could explain to your dc that things are changing, and that you are doing the best you can for you and them. Take the pressure off yourself. Talk to your children and don't give up, you are doing so well

just tidied the house a little, I had to sort of throw the vacuum back in the cupboard because reaching down to pick it up was just too painful. I vacuumed most of the floor sitting down but at least it's done now. I honestly don't know how im going to cope, just doing that was like some epic journey and I feel so tired now.

Well great you are making positive steps. Look forward to bring that mum at Christmas again. Even if it's a wait make the GP's appointment. I'm sure others know more but you might be able to email WA...cheerleading from afar x

Well done.

You won't get into trouble for an untidy house, he's done a real number on you hasn't he? No wonder you're in pain if you spent all of your time running round for him.

The leg thing doesn't sound right at all, go back to the GP even if it is a locum and tell them in detail how bad it is.

OP I've sent you a message xx

Hope you are ok. Try doctors and women's aid again today, it will help you feel more in control. Stand your ground with dc. You are doing amazingly, don't apologise for yourself, you have a lot to process. Wishing you a good day.

I will try them again thankyou. I feel so down and lonely today...I know I need to try and be positive but theres nothing to look forward to. Before I met him I spent years just stuck in the house with little human contact. My relationships never work out for one reason or another, anyone ive cared about either didn't feel the same way or couldn't believe id be faithful to them. Exp and I really did love each other, I always said when we weren't arguing we were perfect, we liked the same things, knew the same people...hes a really friendly outgoing person where i'm very shy and I suppose it was a bit of a relief when I met him to let someone sort of take charge a bit. That's ironic isn't it? If you met him youd probably think hes lovely, he'll have a chat with anyone, he has hundreds of friends. Ive never been good at making friends, I don't seem to fit in. Around here if you aren't "hard" people just don't want to know, but I don't fit in with the "posher" people either, I have no money and struggle to get by. I always think who the hell else will want me, i'm such a mess. When people in rl try to talk to me im always suspicious of them and if someone shows me any kindness at all I fall to bits...I must come across as crazy but actually I think im a nice person, I try to help anyone I can...have done in the past and had it thrown back in my face because stupidly I always try to see the good in people. That's why it hurts so much when exp shouts at me and calls me names, I never understand what I've done...it makes me feel like a child. I really think I need some help, if I cant understand other people how am I ever going to get on?

Counselling would be a great idea. you need time to know yourself, don't worry what other people think,focus on you and your children. Read this thread back, and think about what people have said, it will help.

Someone who really loves you isn't horrible to you. They don't break stuff intentionally or call you names.

Abusive men often are charismatic, fun loving, exciting people to the outside world. That's how they get away with it - and they seek out women who don't fit in or who have had a crappy time of it.

OP - you have come a long way. PP have given you much advice that will be helpful.

Just my tuppence as you seem anxious - these meditations really helped me franticworld.com/free-meditations-from-mindfulness/ - i had the book but the tapes themselves may help you when you feel yourself getting worked up.

Im so frightened, is anyone up?