what do you and dp do on a night?

[lifesucks75]

I need to ask for fear of going insane! Can you leave the room and not be followed, can you read a book without being bollocked, can you chat to friends online?

[n0ne]

Kick him out or find a way to leave. He's ruining your life. You know that, right?

[lifesucks75]

I THINK I do but then he talks me round, I start to doubt myself. Maybe because I haven't any outside influences to tell me otherwise. I try to reason with myself but how can I when I don't know how a relationship should be (not said in an aggressive way). I have never known any different, just a nagging feeling this isn't right.

[Feelingsolow12345]

omg I'm so sorry you're being treated like this. I had an ex simular to this. he would check my phone check my fb when I had it ages ago.

what me and my DP do on a night is completely different to one another. the only time we do something together is if we have a takeaway and watch a film together it's the law in our house. my DP plays his pc games or on fb and I'm either watching crap on TV reading or doing my arts and crafts stuff.

you need to leave it's not healthy for you. you should be free to do what you want when you want and not be questioned

[lifesucks75]

That's the way I see it feelingsolow, In my mind what does it matter, you're together, its perfectly fine to have different interests. But he takes it like a personal dig. If I leave the room now I take my phone with me, not because im up to anything but because he'll look through..and when he DOESNT find anything he'll start on me saying I've hidden whatever im up to!

[Fluffyears]

That's not healthy at all. Hoe date he dictate your time, you are a sentient adult with free will.

[Lorelei76]

This isn't a relationship
It's a hostage situation.
WTAF? You must get away immediately if not sooner.

[lifesucks75]

I feel so low today. I hate this, I hate the way my life is. Why do I keep having him back? Because I have no one else. My life is seriously fucked up, always was. I just cant understand how people are with me. I am NOT a nasty person. I don't gossip, I don't shit stir, I don't tell lies. But no one In my life has a good word for me. Noone ever phones me for a chat. Its me making the effort every time. Im so lonely. I phoned my aunt earlier, we used to be close, she just said how angry it made her the way im being treated and that's why she never calls me...my mum pretty much said the same. How can they justify that? Im not asking for the earth, im not going to bend their ear about him, all I want is a normal life! Why is it so much to ask....ive spent so many years being told how useless I am...I don't want to hear it anymore.

[Wildberryprincess]

You can't have a normal life while you are still with him. Neither can you expect others to pretend with you that it is normal.
If both your aunt and mum have said they are angry at the way you are living, I'm sure they would be supportive when you decide you have had enough. But until then, there is not much they can do if they don't want to collude with your abuser by pretending everything is ok.

[Princesspinkgirl]

What your dp does is not normal
Me and dp do our own thing or watch tv together

[Littleladylumps]

What would he do if say you just got up one night and went out? Say to meet a friend ?

[Shona52]

This is not normal and worst not reasonable. Alarm bells should be ringing as I can only see this getting worst as time goes by and hate to think where it might lead!

[MatildaTheCat]

You can't move on and improve your life until after you have got red of him. Sounds like trying to shift a migraine, surely you are keen to get better?

Your family simply can't stand to see you treated like this. You mention 'keep having him back'. So what happened and how can you finish it and mean it? Women's Aid would help you if you want professional advice. Honestly, stop allowing this and get angry. He's sucking the life out of you.

[lifesucks75]

what do you mean Lady? If I just upped and out saying I was meeting a friend, he'd hit the roof. Im having another bad night, the pain in my leg is making me sweat and shake, I feel terrible. He used to say I was putting it on and shout at me for limping. I know other people are so much worse off so I don't want to be selfish and whinge but it really is painful.

[talksensetome]

Thats not a normal relationship OP, I have just broken up with someone similar, he would literally moan if I wanted to do the dishes or have a bath.
It sounds like a very lonely life you have at the moment and ideally you need to leave him. He is abusing you by keeping you isolated. I know that seems like a huge thing at the moment but do you feel like it is something you can consider or work towards?
Whose name is the house in?

[Littleladylumps]

Yes that's what I meant OP. Why doesn't he want you having any contact with anybody??
Sorry that your in pain.
It's terrible that you have no distraction from it or escape.
Not to mention he should be trying to make you feel better.

[lifesucks75]

The house is in my name so no fear there, but he was here 24/7. So many times I've asked him to go home because apart from anything, I could get in trouble if someone thought I was committing benefit fraud, (which would be a complete joke as he's never contributed anything and I wouldn't expect him to). Despite the fact I know im not really well enough I've been trying to find another job...apart from obviously not having much money i'm sick of feeling like a complete loser. Im constantly angry about my health problems and frustrated at all the things I cant do now because this isn't me! My children still seem to think i'm some kind of miracle worker, and get angry at me when I ask for help, as did my partner. But i'm not asking for much, just a hand getting up off the sofa, or help me carry something. I know some people are way worse off than me, i'm not completely stupid, im not trying to be selfish, im asking for help. A bit of understanding or compassion maybe...but no...im selfish and lazy, im a liar and an attention seeker.

[LilacInn]

Is he the father of your children? How old are you, and he? What is the nature of his inability to work? How long have you been with?

When you say "hit the roof" what does that mean? What exactly does he do?

Your family is fed up that you continue to live this way. It is very frustrating to be a bystander. They probably would help you get rid. So would WA and the police.

Life is pretty good without some abusive prick ordering you about, OP. The long term improvement in your one and only life here on earth would be worth the short-term strife. He doesn't own you; you can get rid.

[lifesucks75]

four years, im not far off forty, no he isn't their dad, his health problems are mainly his fault because he does nothing to try and help himself, he doesn't listen to the doctors, he doesn't listen to me, if I try to encourage him he shouts at me so ive given up trying.

as for "hit the roof"..."see a friend? oh yessssss, I KNOW what you're up to" Me: what? "I know, i'm not stupid, youre up to it again...its ok, go see your friend because the minute youre gone im leaving, then im calling ss saying you've left your kids alone"

[Lookatyourwatchnow]

You said above in the thread that you are only with him because you don't have anyone else.

What's wrong with not being in a relationship? End the relationship and be single. How the fuck is this situation in any way better than living on your own with your two kids?

His name isn't on the house, so tell him to leave then block his number and change the locks. Then you can have the life that you are currently wasting back.

[Gazelda]

Does he make you happy OP? I bet that he doesn't. Does he make the lives of your DC easier or happier? No, I thought not.
Please, for all your sakes, get rid of him. You can rebuild your life, but not with him in it.

[newname99]

Call his bluff, let him call SS, hardly think they would be interested in teens been home alone.

I think you need assertiveness.Can you call your aunt and suggest you meet up for a chat?

40 is so young.What is your illness? Are you getting treatment?

[timelytess]

He isn't their dad. Throw him out.

[lifesucks75]

i'm sorry, it must seem im so ungrateful, i'm not dismissing anyone's help. I know it must be hard to understand why I seem so pathetic. I suffer badly with anxiety and depression and now I have a phobia of being alone, not single, alone. To the point if i'm physically alone for even half an hour I start "freaking out". I think it probably has been caused by my childhood, I was left on my own most of the time...thats maybe why I keep having my abuser back. Physically he made me feel safe, mentally i'm terrified of him. It had gotten to he point where I just didn't want to get up in the morning because I didn't know what kind of mood he'd be in. But sleeping made it worse, (and I did have to sleep sometimes so the pain would go away), sleeping makes him angry but I really cant help it, the painkillers make me drowsy too.

How can I explain...when he's not being obviously horrible he gets in these strange passive aggressive moods. I could never prove it, but he'll say things to frighten me, not threats, just...I don't know, I can see he's about to explode with anger so I go quiet because I don't want an argument. He'll then go on and on at me, wont leave me alone until im shaking and crying, saying I don't love him and im having an affair. I just want some peace that's all, its relentless. My head starts to hurt and I feel like im going crazy because he's battering my brain. I just cant take the nastiness and accusations. I mean seriously, what kind of person doesn't let their partner take a bath or use the loo? Talking about it now im on the verge of panic and I don't know why.

[NapQueen]

Social services won't give a hoot if you've left the kids home together at their ages for a short while. He is trying to control every single little aspect of your life. Getting you out of the loo?????

Do you want your son to grow up thinking this is how to treat a woman?

Do you want your daughter to grow up thin8ng this is what it is to be loved?