what do you and dp do on a night?

[lifesucks75]

I need to ask for fear of going insane! Can you leave the room and not be followed, can you read a book without being bollocked, can you chat to friends online?

Yes you've got him out but you need to keep him away. Could you call WA again and ask them how you can go about this?

I feel so down today, I just cant stop crying. I feel so alone, theres no one I can go and spend time with. My one friend is too far to walk to and I cant afford taxis. Despite everything I am actually missing him, I did love him very much although he never believed it. I just don't understand why he had to treat me the way he did because when he wasn't having his tantrums he was a good partner really. He always had my back, I knew I could rely on him, he would never let anyone hurt me. I've never had that before with anyone and I feel lost now.

He mightn't have let others hurt you, but he was hurting you himself, every day. That's why you are feeling so confused now.
It will take a while to stop feeling fear that you are doing something wrong, You will have to get used to being able to use the internet without fear that your laptop will be smashed. It will take time. He has spent years and years abusing you. You have drastically modified your own behaviour for years, it will just take time to untangle yourself from that. If you google the emotional pattern behind change, such as a death or some other loss, you will see that there is a pattern. You will also be experiencing this right now. Be kind to yourself, talk to WA or the samaritans about how you are feeling.

He was not a good partner.

He was *not.
*
A bad partner is not better than no partner. And he was a bad partner.

A good partner doesn't follow you to the loo, time your baths, smash up your stuff, upset you or your DC.

You just need time to adjust to your new freedom. Honestly, a few weeks from now you'll see it more clearly :)

I don't have time...my kids need me to take charge now and be the responsible adult but I cant get my own head around what im supposed to do. He's twisted them around too so that if I do anything they don't see as normal they think im freaking out. That could be something as simple as sitting in another room like I am now. Or walking the dog on my own...they just give me crap for it. Because I was not allowed to do these things.

You are not his property.

Stay strong op. sit your dcs down and make it clear you are in charge and ex is a tosser.

So you can tell your dcs that you're your own woman now and you get to say where you sit or when you walk the dog. Do you want them to think it's normal for one person to dictate to another to that degree?
Imagine seeing your DD in your position; or your DS lording it over some poor woman. Aounds like you need to fake it 'til you make it.

Op plain and simple this is Donestic Abuse, his behaviour is both controlling and coercive.

Domestic Abuse isn't usually about the hitting and assaults, it is usually to do with power and control over another person - exactly what is going on here.

Someone else put it on a thread here, but start making your exit plan....start copying important docs, looking what bank accounts savings etc you all have, even down to having an inventory of what is in the house -do if all slow time. Have a bag packed or ready to be packed and have yourself ready to go at a moments notice.

This isn't going anywhere for you except downhill.

Below is what the criminal Offence is
"Any incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive or threatening behaviour, violence or abuse between those aged 16 or over who are or have been intimate partners or family members, regardless of gender or sexuality. This can encompass, but is not limited to, the following types of abuse: psychological, physical, sexual, financial and emotional.

If I saw someone treating my beautiful intelligent daughter like that I would not be responsible for my actions!

Can we help you work out what to do?

Just the basics for now to get you through the day? Like a timetable until you're ready to do it alone? You'd still get to make decisions, but it could help order your thoughts.

(I use an app to tell me what to do, because I have problems with executive function so I struggle to organise myself without prompting, it's OK to need pointing in the right direction)

Thankyou user but it should be simple really, we have nothing in joint names, the house is mine, I just allowed him to live in it. I pay my bills, shopping etc, I have no savings, not a penny to my name. When I can I put petrol in his car. That's about it.

that's a kind offer fliss, what do you all do daily?

I'll show you my app. I have daily jobs, weekly jobs and monthly jobs. I use HomeRoutines but a list on paper would work just as well.

It takes away a lot of thinking for me, having a similar list might help keep you ticking over until you feel able to be a bit 'freer' and it gives you and the kids a routine. You get the freedom to choose what time to do stuff, decide what's for breakfast, what you're going to wear, which dog walking route to use!

You've all had such a huge change so the DC are bound to be freaked out. Please don't think letting him back will make it better because it really won't

OP I'm glad you feel so strongly about how your daughter should be treated - but my point is that she will take your relationship as her model. Wouldn't you prefer her to gain strength from having seen her DM refusing to put up with an abusive relationship, should she ever find herself in the same situation?
Your son is learning how to treat women and how to behave in a relationship; do you want him to think it's okay to abuse the potential mother of your future grandchildren?

Im starting to think perhaps dd WOULD be better off elsewhere as much as it would break my heart. I tried to put her tea on and my leg gave way, I spent 15 mins on the kitchen floor. I'm so so tired and sick of this all.

I was chatting to my mum on the phone and HE was texting me abuse, my mobile kept beeping so in the end my mum put the phone down on me because it was winding her up. great. I cant take this.

Well I wasn't suggesting your DD woud be better off elsewhere - why would you say that? I was talking about you being an example to her of how relationships should be, and how you shouldn't put up with shit from anyone.

No shotgun, that wasn't aimed at you at all, sorry if it came across that way. I was just venting my thoughts was all.

asked my mum if I could stay the night, she shouted at me and said she didn't need my crap. So there we go.

Please don't apologize to me - no need. If your mum isn't up for helping you I'm afraid you'll have to help yourself. You are helping yourself (and your dcs) by keeping this twat away from all of you. Don't forget it and be proud.

lifesucks how are you this morning?I have read your thread and want you to know you have virtual friends here. if I've understood this correctly he is not in the house anymore? if so try and keep it that way..any of his stuff bag and put out for him to collect. Do not allow in. your dm was taking to you and your phone kept bleeping...why did you not turn it off? It's another control technique. maybe if you turned it off dm would realise you are serious this time. Why are you worried about SS?they will help you. .they try and support families not break them up...as long as they think dcs are safe. I don't want to sound harsh..but you have a typical faulty/negative thought pattern...very understandably due to the situation. But only YOU can and the changes. Don't be frightend of honesty..G.P's etc have heard and seen it all. Keep posting, well will hold your hand.

Block his number, he has no right to have contact with you. He is not your partner.

I know it's hard, sweetie. Honestly, you've done the hardest but by getting him out.

It will take time. You said earlier you don't have time but you do. You need to take things one step at a time. Sometimes you'll take a backward step and that's OK.

Why did your legs give way? Are you eating, sleeping?

I think you are doing brilliantly. Don't give up sweetheart. You and you children are worth it. The decisions you make are fine, the more you make the easier it will get. I think Flisspaps idea of making lists is really helpful, perhaps try. Keep going you are on the right path, be proud and be kind to yourself, don't put yourself down, be your own best friend.

Hi, im ok I guess. Woke up at six freezing and miserable with the cats running around the house. Normally I lock them up at night but to be honest the noise was quite comforting. How daft is that! My leg does give way quite often fliss, there isn't anything I can do about it. It isn't right, apart from the pain it just doesn't move properly...it's all sort of stiff and doesn't do what my brain's telling it.