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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

what do you and dp do on a night?

231 replies

lifesucks75 · 10/07/2016 04:09

I need to ask for fear of going insane! Can you leave the room and not be followed, can you read a book without being bollocked, can you chat to friends online?

OP posts:
Flisspaps · 05/11/2016 11:30

Did ExP prefer the cats away?

Have you seen GP about your leg? (sorry if I've missed you stating something about it before!)

Original poster
lifesucks75 · 05/11/2016 11:52

I have, they told me there's nothing more they can do other than painkillers and physio...but I cant do the physio exercises on my own because the stupid leg wont move. I feel overwhelmed today, don't know where to start...I've sort of sat frozen here. If ive any hope of getting my life back together I need to sort my kids out. Yesterday when I was chatting on here my son came in trying to look and I told him I should have privacy just as he does. I don't look at his messages. Trouble is they've seen HIM give me no privacy at all and it seems to have rubbed off on them. Last night I was so depressed I just wanted to end it all because I don't know how to put everything right and I don't think i'll have that chance. I was always such a strong person, I don't think my kids really believe im not actually very well now.

Exp says he's an animal lover but he wasn't very nice to my animals at times. My kitten climbed up his leg once when he was feeding him and he kicked it across the room.

OP posts:
IWokeUpLikeThisHonest · 05/11/2016 11:54

Hi OP, I have just read your thread and feel really sad that you are living like this. You sound like you are doing really well but you need a bit more support. Is there a family worker at DD school? They will have supported other people in your situation and are not SS, but will probably have more experience and time than a GP. A good family worker will be relieved that you have gone to see them and will help you plan from now onwards. Keep strong and good luck! Flowers

Original poster
lifesucks75 · 05/11/2016 12:11

I don't have much support n rl. I cant keep putting this on my mum, its not fair to her, I don't see my dad, he hasn't bothered with me for years. One friend is being there for me but she has her own problems, Im just a burden on people. I've been told that. Im told im selfish and a liar. I never used to reach out for help but when I do im just shouted at. Know what id love? Just one person to knock my door and give me a hug. One person who cared enough to do that, didn't mind what a mess I looked, didn't use it to get at me. but that isn't going to happen.

OP posts:
boffin9207 · 05/11/2016 12:28

First of all, you are not a burden on anyone. AT ALL. You are not selfish and you are not a liar. Some people will help, others won't. That is life.

I read this thread with interest because tbh, from the title it was not what I expected. You did the right thing by kicking him out - you kids need to realise that that kind of behaviour is not okay. You need to be firm with them. You need to explain it to them and not crumble. It is not normal for people in loving relationships to behave that way.

Now - you have mentioned your mum not helping you, well why not turn your phone off or put it on silent so it doesn't beep while you are talking to her? You previously posted about an aunt - can she help?

As others have said you need to get outside help too - see your GP, speak to Womens Aid and all the other helpful suggestions. To build yourself back up you have to want things to change. I think deep down you know that things were wrong but you were scared what would happen if they changed. Perhaps it was fear of the unknown - and that is okay. That is completely understandable.

Original poster
lifesucks75 · 05/11/2016 12:35

I don't want to say his but my mum is an alcoholic and shes too fragile. I will end up killing her keep being upset. It will just make her drink more and more.

OP posts:
Original poster
lifesucks75 · 05/11/2016 12:45

I begged her at one point to stop drinking but she just blamed it on me. saying I worried her too much. I know shes going to die, it's just a waiting game.

OP posts:
onanotherday · 05/11/2016 13:38

Ok lifesucks....here is a really big hug ((lifesucks)) ...sorry i cant do it in person. It must seem an overwhelming mountain to climb. So you have to break it down into little bits. We are all here to support you. what would be the first thing you need to do? do you feel you could phone women's aid?

Original poster
lifesucks75 · 05/11/2016 14:12

Thankyou ona I tried but it was constantly engaged. I have to be careful what I do anyway because I don't want dd to hear it.

OP posts:
Original poster
lifesucks75 · 05/11/2016 14:23

More than anything I just wish someone would believe me, and see why im a mess. That it isn't my fault and I don't want to be like this. People find it hard to believe maybe because I was such a strong person...I never thought I was at the time but it appears that's the way I came across. My one friend (when she was rather drunk) told me she always used to wish she was like me, because id had a shit life but I never gave up. I didn't know that....it made me cry!

OP posts:
onanotherday · 05/11/2016 15:13

You are a strong women...just under such stress and abuse you have struggled. But you have survived and will be Strong again....keep phoning you will get through ...eventually. ..we believe you and also believe in you!

keepingonrunning · 05/11/2016 16:09

Women's Aid helplines are quieter between 7pm and 7am. Keep trying, don't give up 0808 2000 247. Or phone 101 to let the police know. There is a law against this type of abuse now. Ask to speak to the domestic violence team. You will be believed, professionals have heard stories like yours dozens of times before sadly.

RickOShay · 05/11/2016 16:13

I believe in you. You kicked him out! You did it. That is amazing. Just think about it, that is the definition of strength right there. You hate being alone you are in constant pain but you still did it. Feel proud. Take your time with the rest there's no panic. It will be ok, you will get there.

keepingonrunning · 05/11/2016 16:16

You could tell your GP or practice nurse and ask them for help. You can do this, you can get your partner away from you.
It sounds like you need psychotherapy to learn how to calm yourself down so you can be comfortable on your own. Later, when you are permanently away from your partner, try reading some books about your inner child and how to nurture her. You can give yourself the mothering your own mother didn't.

Original poster
lifesucks75 · 06/11/2016 00:19

im trying to ring them again now, its engaged.

OP posts:
onanotherday · 06/11/2016 01:19

Hang in there. Remember it's Saturday night...hand holding from here.

TataEs · 06/11/2016 01:38

get him gone op, he's abusive, seriously so. call WA, honestly reading ur posts made me feel sick. he's chipped away at you so much the real you is lost. it's heartbreaking. be strong. you can be alone. you can be safe. sending you strength op, no one deserves to live this way Flowers

TataEs · 06/11/2016 01:42

sorry, on phone, it didn't load properly, i gather he gone. well done op. stay strong. you are better off without him. it will be hard especially as it seems u have very little e
rl support. but day by day things will improve Flowers

RickOShay · 06/11/2016 08:28

How are you today

Flisspaps · 06/11/2016 10:50

You're doing spectacularly well.

Baby steps Smile You can't transform it all overnight.

If he was horrible to your cat it's probably quite freeing to let them have the run of the house overnight.

By telling your son you're entitled to privacy you're starting to put boundaries in place.

Tiny changes will add up.

Original poster
lifesucks75 · 06/11/2016 13:02

Hi all, I think im ok. Trying to decide whether the house is a mess or not. If it is, then I could be in trouble if anyone sees it. But it might not be. My ex would be horrified. When we split up I don't tidy so much just because it reminds me of being with him and makes me panic. Arrrghh its so confusing. Theres a plate that's really bothering me on the floor and six cups on the table. The pillows on the sofas aren't right. There's two chargers and one pair of headphones. Is this bad?

OP posts:
onanotherday · 06/11/2016 13:18

No ...it's all fine. You are in an anxious state...just breathe deeply...maybe a warm bath to relax..none of this matters. Brew

Original poster
lifesucks75 · 06/11/2016 16:36

I tried to tidy our house up with dd, I couldn't even manage that. My leg wont move, I fell over five times. I cant even bend to pick the plates out of the dishwasher. Do any of you have medical knowledge...why is my body misbehaving?

OP posts:
RickOShay · 06/11/2016 17:04

I don't know. Could you make another appointment? Keep going you are doing so well

inthekitchensink · 06/11/2016 18:56

Sciatica is excruciating and only really relived by painkillers and rest, so you need to get DC to do the tidying up and making the dinner etc under your direction. They may have been used to seeing you controller, belittled and walked over but they are going to see a whole different picture! You must get used to saying NO and meaning it!

Doctor, pain meds, counselling, and research as much local resources available to you and make those lists! You can do this, you are doing this Flowers