what do you and dp do on a night?

[lifesucks75]

I need to ask for fear of going insane! Can you leave the room and not be followed, can you read a book without being bollocked, can you chat to friends online?

obviously not napqueen or I wouldn't be tearing myself to shreds thinking about it all constantly. I really do not want my dd to grow up thinking this treatment is normal, I don't want her to ever have to feel what im feeling right now...confused, isolated, doubting herself. I've never seen a "loving relationship", ive nothing to compare mine to.

Jesus Christ. That sounds like psychological torture, beyond abuse.

You can get over your phobia of being alone. He is NOT the solution to your problems. He is making them worse. You are too young to waste your life this way.

I have lived alone most of my adult life (I am over 50) even when in relationships and its great. So peaceful and serene and independent. You could hace that too, with help and therapy. But it will never happen with him around. How on earth did you hook up
With him?

Please ask your aunt for help. She probably will leap at the chance. Call women's aid and don't give a fuck what he says about SS. If they did come which is unlikely they would probably help you get rid. He is the unhealthy factor in the home, not you. It is your home and should be your haven. Please try to take charge. You owe him NOTHING.

It was a blind date lilac, friend of a friend. I thought he seemed a nice enough guy, not very bright but harmless, im hardly a rocket scientist myself. But he was too full on, kept texting me and it scared me off. Years and years later he asked me out for a drink and I very nearly cancelled that too for the same reason. How I wish I had!

OMG I think I would have bludgeoned him to death with a chair by now...cannot bear needy people.

What you have with him is just so wrong on so many levels.

Of an evening DH and I might watch a film, or a few episodes of a box set. He might catch up on some work, while I read or do my tapestry. If it's still warm we might have a drink in the garden and chat while I do some watering. He often goes for a long soak in the bath, and I'll be chatting with our DDs.

Nothing very exciting, just relaxed and easy stuff, really.

I feel terrible again, talking about it, I need to but it seems to be making it worse. I reconnected with an old friend, im not sure how the conversation came about but to cut a long story short I told her how if someone sent me a text (and its rare), he would immediately want to see. My service provider sends random texts at all hours of the morning, and he'd shout at me, accuse me of god knows what when all I wanted was to get a decent sleep. I couldn't do anything about it...now im ridden with anxiety, feel like curling into a ball. Noone is ever going to believe me.

We do our own thing mainly usually next to each other

OP, regardless of whether anyone believes you or not, you know you need out of this relationship.

OP the way your partner treats you is not right, and he's making you doubt yourself. And he's making your life miserable.

Can you make an appointment with your GP, or another GP if your normal one isn't helpful, and talk to them about your depression and anxiety and what is going on at home? It really sounds like you need some outside help. Talk to Women's Aid as well. You CAN get rid of this man and you CAN feel better!

Oh and 'no one will believe me?' so far you've had 57 messages from people who do believe you, and who care.

We're all behind you!

I cant! I cant get help, ive tried. it's virtually impossible to get an appointment at our doctors, it took me years and years to even get them to listen and I can't tell them how bad I really feel because the last time I tried that they called ss! I cant win.

What about Women's Aid?

We believe you. The examples you give are horrifying.

What are you afraid ss will do? Might they not help you?

Is there a church nearby where a pastor or social worker might help you? Or at least listen and direct you to resources...

Your messages seem to indicate he has his own home, or place to live. If that is the case what would he do if you asked him to leave? Would you be willing to get the police to help you toss him out?

Honestly it sounds like the plot of a horror movie, having some nasty negative paranoid person in your house controlling you. This is NOT normal and you don't have to put up with it.

I feel shitty tonight, I actually get a night without him, nice girly night with dd. He phones me constantly, wont let me get any rest at all. Then I start thinking...here's an example...I have vertical blinds...I didn't notice one had dropped out...he throws a fit "this looks like a fucking MESS", so I had a look, thought a slat had dropped out, found it, (one of the kids must have put it on the shelf) tried to put it in but the little thing on the rail had broken....he THROWS the slat across the room at me. Why? How could that annoy any sane person so much!!?

I need to log off now in case he comes back early to try and "catch me out", i'll post as soon as I can. Thanks for your replies.

Ok. He's abusive, Controlling, a sexist tosser and a lazy get. He has few redeeming features. You need to get rid of this idiot.
Start planning. Start standing up to him? If he wants clean, let him do it. You are an equal human being, stop believing you are not. He is no better than you but you seem to think he is and he can control you. Start rekindling friendships. And imagining your single life, with your kids, without some useless wanker telling you what to do. Stop trying to understand. He's a fuckwit, end of.
You sound intelligent but stuck. I think you can do this.

Hi, first chance i've had to post again. He had another one of his tantrums yesterday and I just exploded, I couldn't take any more and threw him out. Since I last posted I've moved house, I was hoping with the extra space I could make it really nice and not feel so bad about myself. I'm also closer to the town so I might just be able to manage shopping if I do a few trips. I really had high hopes for this place, it's a lovely family house. So a long story cut short, he's been on and off with his tantrums, did admit at one point that he was picking on me and stopped it...always for two weeks. He's lovely, and then it starts again. I've been prepping the walls in the lounge for decorating and it's a long job, its a massive room and all the sanding really hurts my leg (I know that sounds daft but its all the bending and stretching). Yesterday I didn't have time to start, he'd lain about on the sofa, demanded his breakfast and watched Jeremy kyle (yeah, I know). It was too late to do anything considering i'd have to clear up at 2pm ready for the kids coming back so I decided to clean the kitchen instead. He goes and starts hovering the lounge (I didn't ask him to). When I'd finished the kitchen my leg was really starting to hurt, he comes in, tells me to bleach the bathroom. I said I would in a bit but I needed a sit down first. "well i'm not fucking vacuuming the kitchen" he shouts at me. Then starts doing it anyway. Then he comes into the lounge, throws the garden bed down in front of me (I've been using it as its the only way I can get comfortable sometimes). I just started crying and couldn't stop. I can't help being in pain and it seems if im not working he thinks im lazy. He caused an argument over nothing, yet again. I look a wreck, I can't walk properly, my leg is now so stiff and painful I really struggle at times and he just wont let me rest at all. I used to be ten minutes in the bath, now i'm closer to 45 trying to have a soak to help ease the pain and he comes and gets me out saying ive been in too long. I'm so bloody miserable. I made him leave but now its even worse, i'm on my own in a big house I cant cope with.

Just to add, my son has threatened to leave if this keeps happening, but I cant stop it happening! He can have a tantrum over the slightest little thing, sometimes it's something imaginary it's so bad. Then I kick him out, fall apart and my son's totally pissed off with it...I can't blame him but he has to realise that people don't just come out of relationships and bounce back totally fine minutes later. It takes time...he would see that if he gave me a chance to do my thing and then get myself back together, but he doesn't my son. He's never had a relationship, never been hurt and just doesn't understand. Its added stress I don't need.

I'm sure if you made him leave, that your anxiety would reduce enormously. You cannot carry on like this, it's abuse (and I don't say that lightly). Put yourself and your children first. This man brings no joy to the table. You get nothing positive out of being with him.

Well I've been to support my mum at the hospital although what use I was I don't know. I get back, son's in the lounge, nothing's been moved or tidied. I asked him to help last time I tried to be on my own and he did, but bitterly resented me for it and blamed it on me falling apart. Does he really think that if he finds his own place he wont have to do these things? Tidying, washing, cleaning, cooking? He's got one hell of a shock coming. It's always MY fault though, because i'm no longer the miracle working single mum who could work a 40 hour week, and look after my family, and keep my house clean. No, i'm just a failure now as far as my kids are concerned. I'm not going to keep working and working until my leg gives way like I have been doing, it's not fair. My ex will text the kids and ask what state the house is in, then slag me off as he normally does, but I honestly just cant do everything at once.

Do you have health appointments relating to your pain?

I ask because health professionals should be able to offer you advice and support around leaving an abusive relationship, even in the circumstances that you describe.

Explain your situation at the next appointment, explain that you need help and support to get your ex out.

I can't tell them Ikea, they will just send ss around again and that makes my anxiety even worse. He has convinced my kids I have a drink problem, he has convinced them that I start the rows and kick off when I've had a drink...to the point where if I have a glass of wine they think all hell is going to break loose. I've tried to tell them that there's nothing wrong with having a drink, that I always used to before I met him but they just don't seem to remember. He's told his parents I have a drink problem, his daughter too. I have tried, I finally got some counselling cbt but every session I ended up crying with frustration because I couldn't tell her what was going on. The last time I went she asked what I did for myself...I honestly couldn't think of anything. She said I needed an hour each day...read a book, chat to friends, go online...how could I tell her i'm not allowed!? She just seemed to think I was being uncooperative, so I didn't go again.

We watch telly, or if it's something only one of us is interested in the other might read, or I sew, knit, go online. We rarely go out in the week because he works shifts and I have a long commute so often don't get home till gone 7.

What you describe sounds suffocating and unusual.

I'm in the kitchen at the table with my laptop, I feel like i'm doing something wrong...If he was here he'd have probably smashed it against the wall by now. It would be a sign I didn't love him.

You need to get him out. Can you get the locks changed? He sounds so abusive and you seem really beaten down by it all. Can you ask a family member to come and stay with you for a while?

OP, I suggest you start another thread along the lines of 'I'm in a relationship with a controlling arsehole - please help.' I'm not trivialising your situation, it sounds fucking awful, but I think you'd get more responses targetted at what you're going through if you worded it differently.
My penny's worth is: why, after kicking him out, do you then 'fall apart?' I'd have thought you'd feel an overwhelming sense of relief at getting shut of him - which is such a strong thing to do in itself. Hold on to the anger and focus on building a life for you and your kids free of him.

There's no one to stay with me, I don't have much family and they are hundreds of miles away, I cant afford to change the locks and I cant even leave the keys in the door as they're those stupid thumbturn catches. I never gave him keys, he just took the spare set when I was moving and wouldn't give them back.