what do you and dp do on a night?

[lifesucks75]

I need to ask for fear of going insane! Can you leave the room and not be followed, can you read a book without being bollocked, can you chat to friends online?

[Naicehamshop]

I don't understand op - has he left or not?

[Flisspaps]

You need to tell someone IRL, and you need to leave him.

He is abusing you. Your children are witnessing abuse.

After some time without him literally breathing down your neck your anxiety would probably improve too.

[lifesucks75]

Shotgun, I think I fall apart because I've spent so many years being told what to do that I almost find it impossible to think for myself now...does that make any sense? I get so confused over trivial little things, the washing, the cooking, what to do first to avoid being shouted at...because everything I do is wrong now I literally have no idea what's wrong or right anymore.

[lifesucks75]

Yes, he has left, taking random objects with him as usual.

[ShotgunNotDoingThePans]

Yes that does make sense - but all that mistrust of your own judgement is down to him and the number he's done on you.
Out of interest, what is the problem with your leg? And has it got worse alongside your relationship with him, by any chance?
As regards ss: it's well know that dcs' witnessing of abuse is just as damaging for them as being abused. No one but you can get them out of that situation.
He does sound unhinged and scary. When are you going to call Women's Aid?

[doji]

Is he gone for good OP? Or are you worried you'll cave and let him back?

What steps do you need to take to get him out of your life permanently? Life is 1000 times better without an abusive relationship, though its so hard to see from the inside.

[lifesucks75]

The kids don't witness the worst of it...they see him snapping at me but they don't hear the threats etc. They see the fallout when im trying so hard to be positive but they know im not right. The problem with my leg is sciatica, not a big deal I know but it's so painful and I can feel when ive overdone it, it's getting me down, it really is.

[Jog22]

You can phone the Samaritans. They are there to listen to people who are in distress. They will listen and talking out loud to someone may help things become clearer for you and help you feel calmer.

Your head being unable to work out tiny things is a symptom of anxiety and it's no wonder living under these conditions. Seriously this sounds like a creeping torture.

My partner and me watch boxsets and do candy crush or he plays music and I watch real housewives type shit and browse net in other room. We give each other space and have together times. This is normal.

[lifesucks75]

Oh sorry, yes womens aid, I did call them, they suggested I go into a refuge but why do I need to do that when I have my own place and he isn't physically dangerous?

[lifesucks75]

Jog I like to play candy crush rather than watch tv to be honest but he has this irrational hatred of it, goes bloody mad because im "not paying him enough attention".

[inthekitchensink]

Pause and breathe. He has to go, you know that - it's your house in your name, you throw him out and call the police if he won't go and change the locks.

Work out a contact arrangement re the children through legal channels

See a different Gp, get help for anxiety and depression and get on the list for counselling. In the meantime research and download cbt exercises to help your mind stay calm.

No booze - a glass even can make anxiety and depression worse, I am in the same boat. Take a full break til the waters are calmer or a deadline that works for you

Your family will be relieved he is gone and will likely come back into your life. Friends will follow and you will make more until you have a give& take support network. Just takes time and effort

You WILL be fine and so much happier. Imagine yourself in a year happy, independent, self confident and enjoying your own space without freaking out. How could you help yourself get there? How does that person look, seem, feel to you?

[Sunshineonacloudyday]

He's fucking you up mentally that is dangerous and he's talking bs to your children. They must be so confused. You owe it to you and to them to sort this out once and for all.

[inthekitchensink]

Also, speak to police, women's aid and victim support re lock change. If he won't leave and so an incident report is made to/by police, you can contact victim support. When I worked for them we would arrange free lock changes if the person needed.

[Sunshineonacloudyday]

Get an order put on him so he can't come near you.

[Whatthefoxgoingon]

Prisoners in jail have more freedom than you! You've got to be brave and kick him out or you will be miserable forever.

[lifesucks75]

How do I get there though, my anxiety is crippling. I know a job would help, give me my confidence back maybe, wouldn't have to worry about money so much, contact with other human beings, but who on earth is going to employ me when I turn up to an interview limping and shaking with nerves?

[lifesucks75]

I cant even get a reference, my one employer sacked me on maternity leave so I took them to court, my next employer went bust. I'm royally screwed.

[inthekitchensink]

The job comes later, how are the finances now, what will he owe through Csa and how much can you afford to live on? Have you checked everything you are entitled too financially, check with CAB. I don't know much about disability benefit anymore, but depression & anxiety used to be included - can you research this and talk to your doctor about a proper diagnosis and medication? Once you are in treatment and it's under control you can start looking into working again. One step at a time, make lists?

[inthekitchensink]

Volunteering can get you a reference, that could be something to look into once you have your anxiety and depression under control

[lifesucks75]

thanks in the kitchen, the kids aren't his though. DD's father (I use the term loosely) has no contact with her (his choice) and pays nothing. DS is 19. I already claim esa not at the higher rate. I tried volunteering previously and because the jobcentre had referred me to an agency that dealt with people with mental health problems no one wanted to know. They wouldn't even accept me as a volunteer. Presumably they thought I was a dangerous nutcase.

[Thissameearth]

I'm glad none of you are living with him now. How are your kids OP? You mention how it's difficult for you to have a normal relationship because you've never known one - that's the same situation your kids will be in at the moment. Perhaps it's also why your son is dismissive - a) he's seen you be belittled so thinks it's normal to do that and b) he's angry that this abusive relationship has blighted his upbringing. Asking this guy to leave, keeping him out and speaking to your kids about what has happened and why it is was wrong and what they think about what they should and shouldn't accept in their own relationship is something to think about, if not right now when survival is in your mind.

[ShotgunNotDoingThePans]

Some pretty basic information on definitions of domestic abuse here. I suggest you contact Citizens Advice to look into getting legal aid as a victim of dv. They can help you find a family solicitor and take action to keep him out of your life. Do you think you're not entitled to any help because he's not hitting you?

[Jog22]

As inthekitchensink said about making lists i'd agree. I find when im feeling overwhelmed that lists help with sorting out priorities. So start with;
Physical health
Mental health
Security of home
Financial security
Relationship with children
Etc.

I've only had sciatica properly a couple of times in my life and the pain is excruciating, getting up the stairs took 15 minutes, awful. can't imagine how it is to suffer regularly. You can now freely research online ways to alleviate it. He didn't let you because it suited him to keep you in pain and vulnerable. Are you even getting the pain relief you need?

You've already done an amazing thing by telling him to go. That took a lot of courage especially as you hate being alone. How do you practically ensure you feel safe so you can then start dealing with the psychogical issues?

[myfriendnigel]

Can you talk to your mum op? Would she come round to your house if you explained that you had asked him to leave and why?
I really feel you need someone in rl to talk to.
If not then try mind, the Samaritans or women's aid.
The reason they offered you a refuge last time is because your partners behaviour, as you describe it, is potentially very dangerous. You've done great in asking him to leave.Please don't, whatever happens, let him come back.
Your family can see his true colours-your mum, your aunt, your son.And you can really.
I know it's hard but if you let him back in he will destroy you slowly.you are worth more than that.

[EisforEffingHell]

You need to leave him. Preferably right now.