"I really think most reasonable and fair minded people would agree"

[Offred]

If someone said this to you when you expressed your own personal opinion and the reasoning behind it on something entirely subjective (think personal opinions on what values are important to each person), followed by 'come on, I think you must surely accept that most people share my view!'

How would you react?

Hmmm, he sounds like someone we used to know. Lovely bloke, utterly charming, helpful kind funny intelligent all of that. Thief. Liar. Conman.

Ha ha! He's not a thief, liar, conman or particularly charming.

People usually describe him as 'very earnest' 'very serious' etc and he is a little socially awkward in that he always wants to engage people in some kind of debate about something or is a little overly interested in new people, doesn't always pick up on social cues that people would like to be left alone and not engaged in conversation 24/7.

Yeah, but, Offred, he is manipulative and he has had considerable money off of you.
"I really think most reasonable and fair minded people would agree" does nothing but dismiss, diminish, and erase you. It is a manipulation to do Jedi Knight Mind Control on you for his benefit (whether emotional or financial). Then that he repeats this debate script, imho, represents the fact that you have been targeted. He can meet your needs simply with what sounds like easy words for and from him. Lip service, but in a little different context than just a form of lying. Life coaching is valid and that is what friends can do for you (not that I have that many friends ), but I think he is abusing the relationship and is taking advantage of you.

Cancelling at the last hour is disrespectful-hey, something better came along. He would get a "rude beast" from me. Well, perhaps he is distancing himself from you...backward way around, but: result! Relief for you.

I'm sorry, that wasn't helpful post at all.

Offred, it does sound like this relationship works for the most part and he gives you a lot of help when you need it. I'm not shouting ltb, or anything like it. Just keep your wits; don't let him ever make you feel you're not worth more.

Have you read Reality's post recently? I always think that one's worth reading often, just as a reminder.

Yeah he very frequently cancels at the last minute. There was the horrendous New Year's Eve when he asked if I would do a party for him and his friends then went round to his mates house and 'forgot the time' leaving me sat there in full make up and with party food/booze.

I had an argument with him this afternoon about yesterday actually and have just had a cry (cathartic).

Turns out he cancelled because he went to a 'save the Labour Party' meeting to 'have his say' even though he had already been to two over the weekend when he was apparently ill and 'couldn't see' me.

He said he knows it is 'annoying' to cancel at the last minute.

I have said it is not annoying ATM it is utterly would destroying to have adult contact, love and support dangled in front of me and then taken away and that I need to be his priority at the moment, he needs to find a way of translating that into reality or I cannot have him in my life.

He suggested doing something at the time (he should know) I have the CIN meeting in a panic. And said he will make seeing me a priority over the weekend and I have not committed to anything as that seems a long time away with everything that is going on this week:

*soul not would!

I shall go and have a look. I spent a lot of time worrying about why he does idiotic things till I discovered the ADHD. Now I spend time stressing about how he is not going back to the DR because he is failing to manage relationships/work and needs better help.

Now I know why this crap happens - when he is with me he promises things without thinking because he forgets that work and other things exist, when he is away from me he forgets I exist. He does this with all kinds of things - just gets carried away promising things to people then finding out he is committed elsewhere and making bad decisions about which thing to do.

And he frequently says he feels like he is 'stepping on land mines' when I think it is really blooming obvious that if you commit to doing something and then forget or cancel at the last minute I'm gonna be pissed off/feel let down.

He also struggles to imagine that the way he feels about things like birthdays/Christmas/mother's day (is not interested) is not how other ppl feel and has come a cropper with a number of times with people for being inconsiderate.

So sorry you are going through this, Offred.

Because he is/may be ADHD doesn't mean you have to endure the continual stabs in the heart because he can't keep to his word.

Is it ok with you that you need to have a Plan B ready for pretty much every agreement/plans? The keeping each other at arms' length is a two way street, but the way he is going about it is mean.
Do you have an enough is enough boundary identified?
Is it possible that you could find a professional counselor for you to get training for your stress management rather than try to rely on him? Right now, it seems he is causing more stress than he is resolving.

Yes that is very possible and something that I plan to discuss with the SW. Something actually DD's CAMHS caseworker suggested she could look into too.

I have not relied on him for stress management for a long time if ever. I think the issue is that anyone offering something then letting me down at this particular time would lead to a lot of stress and frustration.

He's unreliable and I know that.

I don't know whether he has already massively waded across the enough is enough boundary long ago TBH.

He's asking for me to trust him to put it right now but I think it's tough because I don't believe he means to be so crap, he will not understand why I have pushed him out if I do and he will ramp up efforts to convince me which is the last thing I need just now - it will make everything about him.

I guess I have said how I feel to him today. I'm reading my motivational quotes on the whiteboard and letting go for now. He has at least been clear that there is not going to be a fuss until after the CIN meeting so I can just get my head down and focus on that really.

There is a possibility DD will go to school tomorrow and a possibility she will go to her dad's on Saturday night, so I may get some respite this week.

xpost
The "out of sight out of mind" is a very good thing to know about someone. The events of experience creates their own boundaries: you probably won't throw anymore parties for him, will you?

Being in the political sphere, it must be a professional rule to never say "no" to anyone. But, actions speak louder than words and it seems like he has no problem doing a "no" action for/to you.

Do you love him? Do you think he may have other girlfriends?

"Your life is for you to live. No-one else deserves more than you give to yourself"

"If you tell people how you feel you are not responsible for how they take that information."

"You have a right to feel however you do feel even if other people don't think you should"

"It is OK to tell people your feelings even if they are negative or irrational. No-one is perfect and you deserve empathy just like anyone else does"

Are the main ones jumping out at me!

Those are very good quotes.

He doesn't have other girlfriends. He had a 2 year long unrequited infatuation at one point that drove me potty because he denied it.

I do not love him. I like him a lot and care for him a great deal but we do not have the kind of relationship where love is possible really - love to me involves sharing and partnership.

No, no more parties. No more dinners unless he is clear he has cash to pay. No more agreeing to pay for something upfront with the promise of 'when I get paid'. No more saying no to people who want to make plans with me because he has said he wants to do something. That has been the case for at least 6 months.

He does the 'Out of sight' thing with everyone - main thing that causes him issues. His boss called him a flake recently for it:

(I think no-one else would put up with him TBH)

He did once say recently "I think I am an excellent BF"

My mouth did drop open to that one and my head tilted to the side... And there was a long silence....

I did used to think it was always me that he let down when double booked but he will also not do things that are really important if he is focused on me or something else too. Even not do the work he is paid to do. And doesn't understand why ppl get pissed off with it or why people think he is irresponsible and flakey.

We mainly argue because I tell him he is being a bully/a flake/whatever and other people don't seem to. Even his boss who has not raised the issues with him but instead gossiped about him with the other staff (who obviously and helpfully told him straight away).

It sounds like you have the full measure of him.

You have just punched through a full bingo card.

What Memories said above; enjoy the bits as and when they happen. I know sometimes it is hard to go along in the moment without looking to the future (even a week ffs!). It is good that you know with metaphysical certitude that he is not future material.

I need to shove off here for now. I joined a gym and have my physical assessment this afternoon (US). I'll check back later.

Oh god, yes the full knobheadery bingo card...

He sounds really self-absorbed. He doesn't like it when you tell him about reality-like the man behind the curtain in Wizard of Oz.

No, he doesn't at all react well to that but he says it is one of the things he loves most about me - that I am always honest and supportive even if it is difficult and he doesn't appreciate it at the time.

Which is confusing and makes me uncomfortable - as though he feels I can make him a better man. But the power to do that is entirely his.

He needs self awareness not an offered sized conscience on his shoulder.

*offred

Hope the gym went well btw. I hate those personal trainer assessments.

I just had a bath and have not been able to avoid thinking about it. It's like he expects a lot from me - unwavering support/sacrifice etc but the thought of not doing exactly what he wants at all times is too much for him.

When I am ill or struggling or down, any time there is anything serious where it is not exactly clear what can be done to help or I might need more intensive support he is uncommunicative and avoids me.

When he is going through crap he gets very annoyed if I am not available for some reason.