"I really think most reasonable and fair minded people would agree"

[Offred]

If someone said this to you when you expressed your own personal opinion and the reasoning behind it on something entirely subjective (think personal opinions on what values are important to each person), followed by 'come on, I think you must surely accept that most people share my view!'

How would you react?

And...going out on a bit of a limb here...I'd wager that he feels threatened by your more authentic intelligence and so feels the need to undermine it at every opportunity.

He behaves that way because he feels other people are more effective/better than him. It IMO makes him look like an insecure fool.

He has no reason to feel that way particularly, he is intelligent and could be more effective if he took some productive action to actually be more in control of his life/decisions (people easily manipulate him into doing things for them that negatively affect him).

Yes, he feels threatened by me often. I am not more intelligent than him, just more mature but that is because I have more adult responsibilities. He has grown up a lot since I met him, he feels a conflicting sense of pride and fear about that.

Eesh, I do like him a lot. Frustrated with my rescuer tendencies. He can be a lot of fun and very stimulating. He needs some support with things and so do I and in the last year at least it has been mutually reciprocated within each of our own limits.

Guess I am just feeling highly stressed ATM and wishing he had the necessary tact to realise that starting this kind of fight (which he seems to use as a pressure valve for his own frustration at other ppl) is just really crap ATM.

Struggling to think of a way to ask why you're with this inadequate manchild without sounding accusatory.

But...why are you with him? It doesn't sound like a partnership of equals.

From you I'm getting pity, resentment, boredom and gratitude.

From him I'm getting contempt, fear and vindictiveness.

It's like a weird stand-off. Neither of you is going to roll over and concede to the other. Where can you go with it?

I guess because what I absolutely don't want right now is a serious partnership. I just want a non-serious fun and fairly casual dating relationship and in a lot of ways dating someone who is not a grown up and is not going to want to move in together, get married or have children is perfect for me. This is the negative flipside of that really.

When he is not emotional he understands he is being a bully and is sorry.

Well if being drawn into pointless arguments and then brow-beaten into losing, just to prop up some idiot's fragile ego is your idea of fun then knock yourself out.

Can you deflect when you see him starting up? "Let's pretend that I completely disagree with you...."

Yeah, that's really not fun but when it is genuine discussion it is intellectually stimulating. When he sticks to plans it is usually fun too.

I think I need to guard against it by always responding in a non-committal manner whenever he asks my opinion and deflect it back to asking him what he thinks. I'm not on the ball enough to be tuned in to recognising whether he is after a discussion or a monologue ATM.

If I do that and he wants a discussion he'll push for my actual opinion and if he is after a monologue he'll get on with it if I do that I think.

I'd say "Well that's still only your opinion, isn't it"

Ha ha! Gosh I've tried that before it results in detailed analysis of stats and opinion polls and why they mean his opinion is the only right one to have. Red rag that. Literally no talking to him like a rational person when he is in that mood!

And he needs to go to the decking doctor

*fecking

His crappily managed ADHD is also causing him problems at work

If he works in politics, it means he works in a highly toxic environment.

Oh God! Why does he feel the need to be right/fully knowledgeable about things?! My Dh is a bit like this.

Sometimes he quotes statistics but I just keep asking "whose stats are those? How do they know? How is that proven?" and then he realises he isn't actually sure.

Its like it's a sign of weakness to be unsure / consider another side to an argument

Yes, indeed he does and he has been at the arse end of everyone's manipulations for a number of years due to being over trusting and easily manipulated. He's stuck with it and made quite a lot of brave decisions and followed them up with actual positive action which has achieved a lot since he decided to shit rather than get off the pot last year. I have been very pleased for him.

Ha ha! IMO because politics is unpredictable and generally lends itself to feelings of insecurity and it is tempting if you lack some emotional stability to convince yourself that it is utterly predictable and there are rules to follow to achieve success in order to cope with the insecurity and unpredictability. IMO he falls into this trap. Him having to consider that there are different opinions and different ways of doing things threatens all of that.

He's a maths person and very much likes to think the world is orderly and predictable.

Ahh I didn't rtft

It's frustrating. He trusts a million deeply untrustworthy people largely because they tell him what he wants to hear in some way, he gets repeatedly screwed over, thinks I am manipulating and controlling him when I point out the dangers then is very sorry when it turns out I was right all along and he has been massively screwed over. He has in the past consistently accused me of manipulating and controlling him largely because I tell him what I think and not necessarily what he wants to hear and then has been sorry when things play out and I was right and he sees I was trying to be supportive.

He is listening to me more but now it is sometimes going the other way and he sometimes feels worried about making his own decisions if I disagree, which is not my aim, I simply want him to be in control of his life not other people (including me).

I want him to assess things for himself and come to his own conclusions rather than just deciding to completely trust the person who tells him the thing he finds most pleasing with his entire life.

He has been drawn into some pretty serious crap of other people's more than once and put his job/reputation etc on the line simply to further their own selfish machinations before.

My position is every person is trustworthy in some ways and untrustworthy in others. His seems to be 'I like you, I trust you with my life'. Not a great personality to have if you work in politics where most people step on other people's faces to promote themselves.

It all sounds very hard work and involved for someone you just want a fun, casual thing with.

Gosh no! I worked in the HoC for a while - or rather, my office was elsewhere, but I had to be there pretty much every day for hours. It is toxic, I was shell chocked when I got out of the job; luckily, I still had some basic humanity as I mixed regularly with 'normal' people and family throughout, which kept my perspective in line.

They're piranhas in there. It's vile, and so catching, you can even feel it coming off the tea ladies.

I like a lot of the political side of things and the opportunity to be involved with things/people I wouldn't ordinarily be able to because my dad worked in the civil service and parents are political.

I do not want to be involved myself because it is so toxic (and seems pointless compared to the level of achievement possible). I don't mind the actual problems etc as they are not mine. I often mind his attitude towards me - asking for honest opinion as he knows I will tell him straight and then being mad with me for doing exactly that!