Dh's best mate still living with us (for free) !!

[frenchconnection]

i posted on here a while ago about my dh's mate living with us, he sleeps up in our loft room and pays no rent. my dh was being a complete arse about me moaning about it at first, but now he wishes he never invited his mate here! his mate is lovely and plays with the kids a lot so i cant be horrible and ask him to leave, he has nowhere else to go (though doesnt seem to be looking) and says he is in so much debt that he cant afford normal rents..i plucked up the courage to ask for rent last week, and he said its fine, yet still no money!

i keep asking how the flat-hunting is going (hint hint) yet he just says "oh the rents in london are so high i cant find anything". We have 2 children and i f**king hate queueing up for MY bathroom every morning while he takes 30mins in the shower!!!!!!!!!!! And when i finally get in the bathroom, he'll be knocking at the door saying "are you going to be long??"
when i ask my dh to ask him how long he will be staying, dh just says "why dont i just tell him you want him to leave?" So that would make me look awful!AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAggggggggggggggghhh

Blu, you are right about dh!!! WIMP!!
Why the hell should i be the one to remove someone who he invited in the first place?! He's not my mate, he's his!
But when i say all this to dh, he says, "well youre the one with the problem - i dont mind having him here"
THATS COS YOURE NEVER HERE AND I AM THE ONE WHO HAS TO ENTERTAIN HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!

..and £100 is just the DEPOSIT!!!

"i dont want to rock the boat as dh says im making a total fuss about nothing and i dont want to make things worse between us. " but do you see....nowhere does your DH have it in HIS mentality that HE doesn't want to rock the boat becuase things aren't good. Even though things aren't good, he is prepared to over-ride your wishes and actually call you names and accuse you of being anal, pmt-ish and selfish. It's great that you are trying to be constructive and mend your marriage...but it won't work if it depends on you getting walked all over!

Anyway, hopefully your DH sees the outrageousness of the stag-trip!

I would in all serious tonight say

"I know my dh has told you that it's ok to stay here but in all honesty it's not. He didn't ask me if it was OK and I am not happy about any of this. I want you out of my house by Friday 16th February and it's not open for discussion"

Just tell him that you and dh both wish him well, and that actually you and dh had both agreed a fixed term ..but that dh is too soft and thinks his freind will hate him if you ask him to move out. However you know that friend would never be so petty, and you know that friend will not hold it against dh, so you are the one telling him that actually, you would like him to have found somewhere else within 3 weeks.

Otherwise, you are simply putting up with him and enabling his little jolly to Amsterdam.

Your choice!

Start advertising his popessions on ebay to recover back rent.

And take that heater out of the loft!

Im quite lookin forward to it now!! Even if he throws some cash at me i will not chicken out .

what right does your dh have to say he can stay until his money problems are soeted? That could be in 10 years time. seriously.

He knows you want him out, but your dh won't ask him and you're too scared to tell him. He is not lovely and kind.

Acts like scraping your car are not kind acts from a kind man but controlling manipulative moves from a canny bloke who knows you'll feel too guilt to say anything. He does not repect you, and is basically ganging up with your dh against you. He will split you up if you let him.

Your dh will dispise your moaning. He already does. He told you, and you told us.

Men don't like hints, nagging, moods. They don't respond to it at all.

Asking him to leave then him saying oh your dh said I can stay forever (basically not in so many words what he said to you). saying, oh well, ok then, but here's some numbers just in case is really laughable. I bet he's been taking the piss out of that exchange all day. Seriously. I feel really sorry he's put you in this situation, but it will NEVER go away until you bite the bullet.

NOW is the time to act with dh away. You MUST tonight say to him that you have given him a list of numbers. It is YOUR home and dh did not have thew right to give him indefinite leave to stay without your agreement. He has to leave by 9th February (that's 2 weeks, any longer and he'll "forget" and you'll have to tell him again and go through it all again). You just have to tell it to him straight. Yes you'll feel bad, but can it be any worse than you feel now? Seriously.

Invent the guests coming to stay line if you have to. Or even better, invite a guest to come, just for 1 night mind, then it's not a lie.

He is laughing at you.

FC

God this freeloader is really taking the mick isn't he?. He is counting on you feeling too guilty to say anythign and its worked so far hasn't it?.

Pity you did not leave his stuff by the front door yesterday afternoon.

You MUST act now and on your own (also because your DH is spineless)to remove the freeloader otherwise he will be there indefinately.

You can tackle the DH when freeloader has gone; I can only assume your DH is under some sort of svengali influence re this man. They have an unhealthy friendship.

You know Attila, I take it back. I think hard-arsed is the only way to deal with this man.

God it's one thing to be civilised and honest when you are backed up but when you have a spineless partner who can't be arsed to do right by his family.

I am thinking you were totally right. Pack up his stuff, change the locks and have a glass of wine.

arrrrghhhhh.....

"I know, but its so hard when he's so kind to me and my kids, and this morning he was out in the snow at 7.30, scraping the snow off my car . i even asked for the rent again which makes me get all nervous, and he said he will pay £30 when he gets paid on friday".

He is not being kind to you at all when he did those things; its manipulation.
And as for £30 he can stick it. And as for freeloaders trip to Amsterdam....says it all really. You are being taken for fools.

"i dont want to rock the boat as dh says im making a total fuss about nothing and i dont want to make things worse between us".

Your relationship between DH and you is rocky already. You can't try and begin to sort this out though when there are three people in the marriage.

Hi dejags

And my main reason for my hard nosed stance is that I have a freeloading BIL.

FC - if you don't get him out you will only ultimately have yourself to blame. Freeloader does not think you are capable of or confident enough to throw him out. Your DH doesn't care about you and by turn the children either, his primary loyalty should be to you but it clearly is not.

If he does offer money when you tell him he's got to get out, say "thank you, that covers the first x days that you were here", pocket it, and tell him he has still got to get out.

AFter you've told him, go and write it down and give it to him (Dear Freeloader, we have agreed that you will leave on 9th Feb, taking all your belongings with you and returning the key).

Actually, on the guilt front - if he starts trying to suggest that you are being unreasonable / over the top etc - ask him if he thinks he is being a good friend to dh - point out that he is wrecking dh's marriage.

Have you taken the heater away yet? You can go and do that now!

I know you are doing it for her own good but you are all being quite harsh to fc. Her DH is making it incredibly difficult for her by undermining her at every turn. Whoever said he was getting a student lifestyle plus a family plus a shag got it spot on. FC you will have to try and be as hardfaced as Freeloader is, i'm afraid.

F/c - I feel so sorry for you. Two suggestions:

1. Point out that the arrangement was never intended to be long-term, but since he has been there for a longer period than initially envisaged, you would like him to contribute to the costs of the household and make a small contribution in the way of rent. Then work out how much the council tax and bills cost you per month (including phone bill if he uses it), divide it by 3 (all the working adults in the house) and ask him for that PLUS the token rent of, say, £50 on the basis that the loft is only half-converted...

2. Or point out that you and your dh are (as I assume he must be aware if he lives with you) having difficulties and trying to make it work and that you would really appreciate it if he would find somewhere else to give the two of you the time to work on your relationship, that you feel terrible, but that he must surely appreciate (being a father) how important it is that you prioritise your family unit... Make him feel guilty, not you!! Then agree a cut-off date for him to be out by...

Good luck - shall check on this thread tomorrow to see if you have had success in getting rid of him...

I do agree that men do not 'get' communication that happens in a language of moods, hints and subtext. All that does is make them think 'what's up with her?'. Whereas they do 'get' direct requests, and on the whole, take it a lot less personally than women tend to.

Generalisation, obviously, but do bear in mind that friend is less likely to take this personally than you imagine he might.

Could you not just say to him 'look I know that dh thinks it is ok for you to be here but I am really not ok with it and I feel it is upsetting my relationship with dh and so I'm appealing to you to do the decent thing and move out as soon as you possibly can'

He must have NO sense of shame - what a vile creature. I would say man, but he's not.

I guess i just feel bad cos he's only here the 4 nights a wk rather than 7. But then i think of every morning i have to spend waiting for our bathroom to be free and i feel angry (this morn he had a shave and left all his horrid ginger stubble in the sink for me to rinse away)

ONLY 4 nights. 4 mornings? That's 4 of the 5 weekday mornings, when there is limited breakfast and bathroom time, school run etc.

If it's 'only' 4 nights and no bother to anyone...don't you think other people (mates, work collegues) would be queuing to put him up?

Instead of feeling guilty and bad you should be feeling generous and proud that you have already done him a big favour and given him so much hospitality!

im not putting him before my daughter, its just i am a wimp! i know he has nowhere else to go.and as far as he's concerned if my dh says something's ok then that must mean it is ok !

btw before he moved in with us he was sleeping on another mate's sofa in his one room flat for 2mths!!!! then he got kicked out!

I assume you don't need or want his rent - you just want him gone? Don't let him offering you rent confuse the issue - if you wanted rent you would have advertised for a lodger (a paying one ).
You can sort this out or you can let it drag on, but imagine where you want to be in 6 months - still living like this and with your marriage pretty much over? Or knowing you did everything you could to get your marriage back on track and the best thing for your children.
I'd go for the reasonable / short amt of notice option (end of next week). If he seems put out remember you have been extremely accommodating so far and HE owes YOU.

No self-respecting person would stay for such a long period of time full stop, let alone without offering rent or a contribution to bills...