30 day no contact for the broken hearted - starts here

[Thewizardo]

I will be using this as my own personal no contact diary.

read here first

Please feel free to join in the thread if you are attempting to go no contact with someone. If you've just been dumped, left or had your heart broken.

I'm on day 1 today. So far today I've blocked his FB/what's app/Instagram etc. I text him to ask him to leave me alone as he's texting quite a bit. Only emergency texts only about DD.

Morning Doner. Take those rose tinted glasses off , stomp on them, bin them and if needs be get back to Specsavers. You are having a wobble.It will pass. The ten minute idea is good. Set the alarm on your phone "Ten minutes to think about Nobbin the Nob ".
Then get on with your positive affirmations and your day.
Hugs of support to you all x

Doner...he will never change, have a wobble...I am having the week from hell... we can do this , let the anger set it as resillence says, it really helps you be stronger
We can do this

Yes, yes to us all being able to do this!!!
Just now, I realised that this is the first morning that I haven't spent anytime wondering what he's doing, if he'll send a message or that sort of thing. It really does take time but I think that makes it a lasting change of thought from us. Okay, it might have helped having my cat in two fights this morning but at least it's progress (obviously not for the cat).

Donor, I think wobbles are expected, you're only human and at least you're seeing the situation for what it was.

I've really struggled to understand his behaviour, why he thought he could get away with what he did, why he kept such a significant lie going for so long (quite a big one about his identity), why he thought it was okay to omit information about where he was / future plans and I realised he has some Sociopath traits. I don't think he's all out one but this morning I realised that to do all of that with no feelings of guilt, remorse or awareness of the consequences, you do really need to be somewhat off the scale of normality.
I think helping to understand who they are makes no contact and moving on much easier.

Hope you all have a good, if not bearable day. I'm definitely really starting to move on.

Morning everyone, Resilience your techniques are proving really useful.

I can see gradual shifts occurring. Definitely building up your own life rather than harking back to a previous one helps - sometimes there just won't be the answers you crave. Sometimes I think there just aren't answers.

Yesterday I spent a day planing and organising a trip abroad I have to take for work and I was definitely less bothered in the evening. It's not something I get to do every day but it was telling me that the more interesting my life is the less my past with him is, and my mind is less inclined to dwell on it.

Jenny I think it must have been cat fight night last night...I have done lots of reading (and about boundaries too) and it is slowly sinking in. doner it is a bumpy ride for sure. Lil I am definitely doing fake it till you make it and I really do think it works. Free good luck with your week from hell, it can't last forever. Waving sometimes now when ex does something hurtful I'm aware of a tiny spark of something like relief - yes, I'm not imagining it, this is who you are, and it all will help me to move on faster. I know that sounds a bit odd, but oh well!

Jenny it is called a Narcissist, I spent years wondering, his lies about his past that has only just come to the fore, his identity also , his true self only came out when he had no other choice but to accept what he had done. The pure evil things he has done to our dc, and the lies he has told to others to cover what he has done, sure signs of a sociopath.
I must admit, I let the anger give me the control, wobbling a bit with a couple of panic attacks, but I heard from my lawyer and knowing hopefully of the coming months ( hopefully) this is being dealt with properly gives me some comfort.
Thank you for all being there for me
And yes we can all do this. :O)

Same here Waving. I'm sick of feeling like this, and I've got enough on my plate to deal with as it is.
This morning in the shower, I had a minor breakthrough. I realised that whatever I might be going through, ultimately, he didn't or doesn't want to be with me. If he did, he could or would or should have said so.

But he didn't.

So where does that leave me? Why am I falling over my own thoughts about this person? That was a little bit of a wake-up for me.
Yes, my thoughts keep drifting back and forth, but it's time for my subconscious to start waking up and taking in this information.

I had a strange moment today when my neighbours moved out. I couldn't stop crying. I've had a very weird day.
I'm reading Heal Your Life by Louise Hay now.

Hi guys
Hope your all doing ok.
What a day I've had.dh came round last night and we all chatted amongst ourselves and it went well.
I privatley congratulated myself when both dc asked if he was coming on holiday with us and I didn't jump in to help him out,I sat back and let him say what he thought.at first he said it depends on if mum wants me to come so I said of course I want you to and left it at that.felt I handled it well seeing as I've been having all the questions and he hasn't so far.
When he left he said he would be over again this evening as soon as he finished work and he didn't txt to say he was on his way but turned up just as we were coming back from a walk.we managed to have five minutes without the dc so I could ask him if we could at some point please say where we are as I'm feeling v unsteady and don't know what he's thinking and id like to have an idea so I can get some form of normality in my life.
We both agree we need a break from each other right now but I calmly explained there are issues on both sides that need to be dealt with and there are things I haven't been happy with for a while either that needs to be addressed so he needs to be ready to and want to sort them out as well.
Hes chosen to leave the family home for the minute which I get and we cant go bak to how we were but I told him turning up un announced and not having set times to see the girls hasn't been working for me this week as I'm on edge the whole time wandering if hes going to txt or turn up or not do either which happened on Tuesday evening.whilst he was here earlier i asked him if he was ok to pick up sat am as Il be working and said what time and that was fine.
I asked him to get girls ready for bed tonight as why should he get to turn up play for a bit and then disapear again.As he was leaving tonight I said Il see him sat morning and he said well if he finishes early enough tomorrow he could come round and then said he would text first so hopefully he will see he needs to respect my space and time as well.
Sorry I'm rambling just needed to get it out and actually for the first time in ten days I feel like I know where I am abit more now and have to just get on with it.
I've told him calmly again tonight that I don't want to be living seperatly however I respect his decision and I'm wanting to really try and work at the relationship but so does he.
I did ask him if he thinks about the situation after he leaves here in the evenings at all as I cant get away from it and its harder for me in our home and putting on a face for the dc all the time whereby he can leave and not have to do that.
We will see but for this moment in time it is what it is,I just hope he doesn't take too long deciding if I'm worth making the effort or changing some of his own ways for or things could well change again.
God I feel better now I've rambled,sorry guys x

Well I certainly never expected that! Came home after a few days at my mum's, was sat going through a pile of post , not really paying attention and then found myself opening a handwritten letter from the ex (split in Jan after 4 year EA relationship)
I am totally gobsmacked. The letter is bizarre, starts off by apologising for his behaviour, hopes I have "found some semblance of happiness" (!!) then goes on to tell me about his new relationship with an older sugar mummy,who pays all his bills and lets him drive her sports car!! But he has to go to swingers clubs as he doesn't want have sex with her?? Apparently I was his best friend and he is lost without me (yeah right), this is the last time he will communicate with me (seem to remember him saying that in Jan, and March and May, obviously the nc from me is really doing his head in!)

Jesus. After all this time I am amazed he has felt the need to put pen to paper. I can see he is just trying to manipulate me, and poke me to see if he gets a reaction. I'm tempted to send it back with return to sender/do not contact again on the envelope. If he really wanted to apologise a simple "sorry I was a prick" would have sufficed, all the other tacky details about his (not so) lovely new life are unnecessary and a bit icky.

Common sense says ignore and carry on. Just fucking annoyed that he has managed to creep in under the radar.

Grrrr.

Honestly sometimes I wonder what friggin planet some of them are living on

I can honestly say I am totally baffled.
Its been 10 days since dh turned everything on its ass for us and although I accept the situation was not good between us at that point,but Christ if he had actually talked about anything the situation could have been dealt with and moved on from by now.
I have just this evening realised that although we are both strong as individuals I can almost guarantee he would not have managed the last 10 days if he was having to face family and be all jolly in front of the dc whilst having to deal with the financial cock up left behind
I really do think I am the stronger one mentally as I've dealt with and am dealing with the dc questions and confusion as well as family members and my own hurt anger and panic at not knowing what the hell was going on.
All I know is that I am going to take things day by day and fill the time up.
Today was much more busier and I noticed I haven't been as worked up.Ive had moments but only smaller ones and then on with the next thing.
Tomorrow is going to be quite busy as well with an earlier start.
I'm going to get me and dc back into an earlier to bed and earlier up routine over the next few days ready for next week when I'm back to work.
Hopefully once in back to work I will find a routine of my own with the dc and the time I'm at home with them will be busier as I wont have had all day to do them.
Fingers crossed.
The positive finish for today(I try and have one every night now)is that its another day I've managed and coped,I managed some good excercise and fresh air with dc today and I cleaned the house so it now feels lovely.
I've also ordered some new bedding and bed cushions as I dread getting into bed every night and I want it to be my haven for just me.hopefully it will arrive either tomorrow or over the weekend and then that's another hurdle jumped.

Resilience, long time ago now, but The only thing that ever penetrated my x's forcefield was to go NC on him. He couldnt tolerate me being the one who dropped him . That injured him!

Nic has made my xh go crazy.... He is doing the most ridiculous things I would never have imagined... His hatred is aimed at the dc's... Claiming to people such dreadful things all,lies of course I am struggling , really am , back to square one, can't sleep, constant worrying , Court looming , the sale of the house is the least of my problems, it's the never ending fight for normality does that make any sense... We escape and he just claws us back ...

Ok team, let's regroup and reflect cos those pesky Klingons are trying to invade again.
Right what we have all learnt is-
They are exs for a reason.
The main reason is they are loopy.
We do not need them in our lives.
They can't stand it when they realise that.
They will try to get a foot back in the door (the physical door or the mental door) by what ever means necessary. Should we let them back in? No.
Let them jump up and down outside that door like tantrummy toddlers shouting "look at me mummy!" as much as they want and let's continue to be strong and ignore them.
We have all made such progress.
Free from-he's a dick, worrying won't make things better. One foot in front of the other. You can do it. When you wake up in the night, accept that you are awake, don't stress it,do the count your blessing list, that's what I do at 4am x
Gansey-you've had your eureka moment. Go you!
Bek-well done for taking the calm,grown up approach and for taking positive steps to keep busy. Good examples for your kids also.
Jenny-crying is allowed.You are doing brilliantly
Waving-thanks for the support. Don't worry about him unfollowing you, he's probably done it as a control thing (look at me unfollowing you) and also cos he doesn't want to see the fabulous time you are going to have on your hols.Loser!
Hare-yes the keeping busy definitely works. Well done you too.
And me-when I look at that letter I think blimey I dodged a major bullet there. I am in a much much better place than I was 6 months or a year ago...whereas he is obviously as fucked up as he ever was. Not my problem any more.
We are all strong women and we will get through any wobbles or doubts or attempts at sabotage.
Onwards troops! Have a good day x

Just got 5 hours sleep,that's the longest in 10 days for me.
Maybe its because in my mind I feel more not so up in the air after last nights calm conversation.or it could be my body needing a break.
I feel battered mentally and emotionally and these last ten days have literally taken me to a point I never knew existed.
I've also decided my dad needs to know now as my mum didn't want to say anything to him but he was coming over yesterday for something and I had a panic attack worrying the dc might say something to him.i was feeling quite annoyed with my mum as she didn't want to tell him as he's worry,but him not knowing is adding more stress I really cant take on right now,and worrying about them worrying isn't going to help me at all.i have told her that last night as she was seeming to be off track and saying shes v worried.she can be abit her her her sometimes,so I reminded her that actually I don't need to be worryingn about them right now,as I'm feeling a bit stronger hopefully I will be able to see my dad and tell him without losing it,
What a mess.lifes full of twists and turns eh

You are a diamond Resillence, I am listening , and re group it is x
Day 1 Again... here we go

Yes we all need a regroup reset sometimes!

Went out with a wonderful old mate last night - we lived together when I met ex-h so she's seen it all from the ground up, but as I didn't tell anyone about the past few (bad) years she was really shocked a few months ago when I told her all the gruesome details. Of course we spent a lot of time talking about it - this was good because part of my problem has been that I kept it all silent and bottled up, so talking is good. And I suppose we have to get the details out in the open. But it made me realise that (for the moment at least) I feel pity for the ex. He is in a worse place than I am in many ways. At least I know what I want and where I am going, I can see a way forward, and I don't hate myself and have nothing to be ashamed of. Last night I got glammed up (well as much as I ever will) and felt good about myself. It was really important to me to see my dear friend , who I got to know at a time in my life when I did feel powerful and brave, and just be reminded of that person. I am on a journey to get back to the core of that place, and every now and then I need the regroup to remind me of my direction. Thanks Resilience (those pesky Klingons eh??), and best of luck to us all.

Thanks so much for that Resilience, such wise wise words!
Yesterday was a mixed day which I learnt from. I cycled by myself and then with ds (which we rarely do). New neighbours moved in and actually, they were a delight to see (haven't met them yet) so however life moves on, new can always be a good thing.

I've spent the morning examining my negative beliefs (as per Louise Hay exercises) and then a Joyce Meyer clip came up on Youtube. I've turned away from being religion recently as with ex-dh it became dogmatic (as most things do with him). After listening to Joyce Meyer about forgiving and letting go I decided to have a quiet moment of forgiving myself about my past relationships and those in them and letting go. I feel a ton better.
Onwards with throwing out my negative beliefs and in with the new!
Have a good sunny day everyone. So many butterflies out today, a wonderful sign.

Jenny I'm so glad you were happy to see your new neighbours. Sometimes I feel I just can't take any more change on a given day and have a day of crying like yours but then realise everything is changing all the time anyway, and sometimes change is really good.

Glad you enjoyed yourself Hare, I agree, the x's move on cause so much disruption but they all must be tormented guilt ridden souls, and yes, we have nothing to be ashamed about that is for sure.
I am travelling to a family do tomorrow , time to chirp up to.
Have a better day everyone .

Quick post - not had time to read everything as I am away.

I am making progress - 6 days Nc.

Lots of emotions but i am acknowledging them in the moment, rather than dwelling.

Also consciously noticing every little thing that gives me moments of joy and happiness each day -there are lots! So even though I am still getting waves of sadness and betrayal and loss I am letting them flow over me then moving onto the happy moments.

Can't wait for time to read through and catch up with you all. This is a real journey and we will all be stronger xx

Had a busy morning so far and just regrouping at mums for a coffee before planning the afternoon.
Mum is going to speak to my dad later and full him in on where we are at and I feel so much more calmer knowing that.
Starting to think about going back to work tomorrow morning and getting nervous but I know I'm really busy so looking forward to being pre occupied,which also means when I get home Il have quite a bit to catch up on so will be kept busy into the evening.
Decided I'm going to attempt to cut the grass front and back on sunday(we have a massive garden)so that will be a challenge however it needs doing and I need to fill the days off up.
Il keep you all updated on whether I still have left at the end of It

Evening ladies ...... I have to say I have read threads on the whole we are doing well .... Very well little steps are being made for the NC early days and for the older ones such wonderful words of encouragement and sharing ..... Brilliant all of you ...... Wow that is all I can say ..... Flurple I hope all is well with you ????

Wizardo how are you doing ????!