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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Thread for those who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL, just unsatisfying (pt. II)

999 replies

All0vertheplace · 22/06/2016 09:11

The last thread reached 1,000 posts (!) so here's where we can keep the discussion going. Cake and flowers to all.

OP posts:
Hotwaterbottle1 · 07/08/2016 19:05

I know this sounds simple but you just need to ask him to leave. It doesn't matter others opinions. You need to do what's right for you. Could you sit down & talk to your parents?

Candlefairy101 · 07/08/2016 19:58

Ok so since I posted he actually asked me 'what was going on' and I thought he meant the tv show I was watching so said 'boxing England winning' because he can not speak to me for weeks and in the end I just get over it!

Anyway I told him I'm not happy but can't discuss issues with you because you knock me down and insult me. Straight away he said 'I'll move out then tomorrow' typical him thing to say so I feel for him. I said hay he was not putting it all on me this time so he can run to his mummy and play the victim. As you can guess that went down well because I can't even tell him he has a hair out of place without getting a dirty look.

So he said 'yea I guess we just don't agree on anything anymore' and for an easy life I agreed because I don't want an argument I just want the emotionally abusive twat to leave me alone.

We have 3x young children, I have always forgiven everything because of them but I any anymore, I need to show them how I run a home and fun loveing home and not a home where you can be having fun one minute but as soon as daddy's done we must all stop and do what he wants.

Anyway what I was going to ask was, is it a good thing that he so easily agreed to go? Does he show that he actually doesn't love me? By reading all your posts it sounds like your husbands are fighting for you, did the fight kick in later when they knew you were serious?

I'm so sorry for the hijack Blush

Hotwaterbottle1 · 07/08/2016 20:31

Of course you can hijack.

It sounds to me like he does not think you are serious, hence almost placating you.

Mines is trying to fight now but he has done nothing every other time, no fight at all. That killed it for me.

Stay strong, you know you are doing the right thing. Can you tell someone in real life?

Flowers
Candlefairy101 · 07/08/2016 21:08

I rang my auntie because she has always seen him when everyone else falls for his 'charm', I've always said he should be a professional actor, after 14 years of knowing him (since I was 12) I still struggle to tell when he's lying. I pray one day that our children see what I see just so they don't hate me forever.

My son and him are sat cuddling on the sofa now, so sad that son has no idea what's about to occur, I just wish he was older and I could explain that I know I can give him an amazing life, my partner hated his boring, no love, typical old fashioned upbringing and yet to get control over me he's treating me and his kids the same way. He is using the kids to get to me acting 'father of the year' and I just want to scream at them 'it's all an act!!!!'

Hotwaterbottle1 · 07/08/2016 21:14

They won't hate you & you are going to give them an amazing life.

They can make their own mind up about him. Try not worry about that.

Was your aunt helpful?

Candlefairy101 · 08/08/2016 07:06

Last night after months of not sleeping I managed to sleep a solid 6 hours before baby woke me up. I never thought all that has been on my mind was affecting my sleep so much but it just shows that by him say 'I'll find my own place then' allowed me to sleep more peaceful, well as peacefully as you can with 3 young children!

BankWadger · 08/08/2016 11:32

It looks like I'll belong on this thread soon. I've spent the last year or so trying to figure out if I'm just struggling with my husband's health issues or if I just genuinely don't like him. And in the mean time trying to sort myself out as I don't have a permanent job. Well things finally came to a head as the husband booked us in for counselling. We had an initial session, separately, to say what we feel is wrong and what we want to achieve from counselling. All I could conclude in my session was that I want an amicable split and don't know how to broach it (partly because of his health issues partly because I'm not good at Talks).

Now I either need to find the words and balls to talk to him about this myself or wait the 8 weeks for a follow up appointment. But either way it looks like I'll be a single mother soon. And if I can't find a new job by the end of my contract, an unemployed one at that.

amammabear · 08/08/2016 11:55

I've just started a thread about something similar and getting no replied- I really need some advice on how to go about divorcing.

UpYerGansey · 08/08/2016 14:53

Well, my husband certainly isn't fighting for me. In fact I have little or no idea how he feels about me, and to be honest, there's so much noise in my head that I don't much care at the moment.

Trying hard to regroup here. I think I'm going to have to make some serious changes if I'm going to walk away from this part of my life with my sanity and health intact.

I am daunted. Sad

I'm drinking way, way too much and have been for a while and I don't know how the hell I'm going to manage but I must stop before something very bad happens. Something pretty bad happened on Friday, and really, it could have been life-changingly bad. I was lucky.
All because I can't handle the misery and pressure.

Hotwaterbottle1 · 08/08/2016 15:14

Glad you slept candle. How are you today?

Bank I know how you feel it took me ages to pluck up the courage but what a relief when I did.

Up I'm daunted too, about finances, living alone, dealing with everything, although so most of it anyway I guess. I was like you & drinking so much got to a bad place but somehow turned it round & now healthier than I've ever been and it feels so much better than drinking. Do you have RL support?

UpYerGansey · 08/08/2016 15:40

Not really Hot. I can't tell anyone about what happened on Friday because I'm too ashamed. I might have told my sister but she's v pg at the moment and I don't want to stress or worry her.
Today I'm taking a duvet day. And trying not to panic.

Hotwaterbottle1 · 08/08/2016 15:57

Im happy to listen if you need to talk up, no judgements from me x

DeepGreen76 · 09/08/2016 07:41

Sorry to hear that Up - hope you're ok. Really hard if you feel you can't unload to anyone. Don't be too hard on yourself though. This is a really, really tough time and it's difficult to cope with that - and then try to hold everything perfectly together in the rest of your life. Can relate to you on the drink front. Also really need to cut down - and think I'm v vulnerable to doing something silly and impulsive that I'll regret.

Hotwaterbottle1 · 09/08/2016 08:02

Finally had a long reasonable chat last night and it seems to be sinking in. He told his parents, his sister and brother. I'm upset though as despite him saying to keep quiet for now my sister in law (known to all as having a big mouth) told nieces (late teens). So annoyed as my kids don't know yet.

I just don't know when to tell them. School starts back next Weds here, DD starting high school. Tell this week or wait till she settled a bit?

DeepGreen76 · 09/08/2016 09:42

That's good progress for you Hot - at least now you know. Must feel like another big step forwards. Don't think any of my in-laws know yet although he has told a few friends/colleagues I think.

That is definitely not ideal about your nieces knowing - altho maybe because of their age they can be relied on to keep quiet for now? I can see it does rather force the issue though.

Thinking of best time to tell our kids too. I'm thinking in the holidays good because not doing much - plenty of time to ask questions, provide reassurance etc. But then term-time could be better I suppose because there's lots going on as a distraction. Mine are also younger than yours and we've got no big school changes coming up. We need to have a proper discussion about this which isn't possible at the moment.

A tricky one - what's your gut feeling?

Hotwaterbottle1 · 09/08/2016 09:51

Thanks Deep.

Think nieces will keep quiet and they live 50 miles away.

It exam results day today & my son done well so can't bring him down today. Gut instinct tomorrow as I'm off work until next Tuesday and we have some fun plans so I'd be around and have distractions and that's a week to sink in. But part of me worried DD going to start high school worried and should wait till she settles. Damm I don't know. Might start a thread asking opinions!

DeepGreen76 · 09/08/2016 10:22

It is really tricky. Taking up quite a bit of my headspace too at the mo so will watch your thread with interest!

welshrarebitontheside · 09/08/2016 22:21

Hello hot.

Sounds like you are making steady progress.

I'm three weeks on from dp moving out, four from me asking him. He stays over once a week and minds kids whilst I do my own thing. He still hasnt properly moved into his flat but is staying with family.

I'm cautiously optimistic today at least that we can be amicable.

Regarding timing ...i have spent 2 years solid agonising over this. And half convincing myself maybe it could work.

My dc is starting school next week we are also in.scotland hot We haven't officially told him but have been drip feeding him , about how the home is calmer, about how we both love & adore the dc, about the importance of mummy/daddy time. My view is that i need dp more signed up to this before we have a proper chat. And above all else we want the dc to take this huge and daunting step without it being tainted by sadness etc.

But different with an older child. They know and i think its a good convo to start now.

I dont think theres anyway of avoidimg all round pain and guilt though. There isn't any part of what is a grievong process I guess that we can skip. It's shit. I keep thinking of we are goimg on a bear hunt :"We cant get over it. We cant go under it. We'll have to go through it. ".

welshrarebitontheside · 09/08/2016 22:22

All where are you?
You have kicked an almighty wasps nest here and scarpered! I hope all is ok.

LegoStarWars · 10/08/2016 08:52

Oh that Bear Hunt quote is good. I think I shall remember that.

Hotwaterbottle1 · 10/08/2016 09:42

Thanks Welsh. That really is the perfect quotes and one of my kids fav books when younger. Even had the DVD lol.

Telling kids tonight. Have woke up in a state already and it's time of month. Also have to take DD & friend bowling. Going to be a loooong day.

VK86 · 10/08/2016 10:27

I am quite a few weeks behind on the thread. Just found it again and will need to read back all the updates.
Things have definitely moved on with me. DH has a flat waiting now and I expect he will move out in around 3 weeks time.
Still haven't told DC and I'm terrified of what this might do to them. Any advice would be appreciated.
Will provide a more in depth update tonight but DC are finished swimming lesson now

Hotwaterbottle1 · 10/08/2016 10:39

How old are the DC VK? I think it makes a difference if older or really little. I'd say tell them asap and give them the 3 weeks to absorb and having you both there for them rather than last minute.

VK86 · 10/08/2016 10:48

I am quite a few weeks behind on the thread. Just found it again and will need to read back all the updates.
Things have definitely moved on with me. DH has a flat waiting now and I expect he will move out in around 3 weeks time.
Still haven't told DC and I'm terrified of what this might do to them. Any advice would be appreciated.
Will provide a more in depth update tonight but DC are finished swimming lesson now

VK86 · 10/08/2016 10:52

Dd is 4 and will be starting school on Monday (Scotland)
DS is 7 and very sensitive so likely to stress the whole time.

My concern is that DH is a bit of a disaster at the moment, drinking too much and likely to say do ridiculous things, so my thought process was to tell them together a day or so before he moves, spend a night together in family home with their dad then I can show them right away that everything will be ok. Also wanted dd to settle in school before telling them/him leaving.
However I am prepared to be told that, that is completely the wrong way to do it.