Thread for those who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL, just unsatisfying (pt. II)

[All0vertheplace]

The last thread reached 1,000 posts (!) so here's where we can keep the discussion going. Cake and flowers to all.

I honestly then don't know, you will get better advice from those with kids your ages. It's hard for me to remember back. I just know for mines the shock of him suddenly leaving would not work.

Good luck with the conversation hot

It's done, that was tough. Both crying. They had no idea whatsoever. Shocked. DD went crying to her room so gave her 5 mins and then had a long honest chat with her and she was very grown up & understanding. She said you can't be unhappy Mum and stay for us kids. It's going to be ok I think. DS very quiet though but his friends are here (again), he said he wanted them to come in so will chat to him when they go.

Huge relief, they will be fine.

You've crossed another big hurdle hot - must be a big relief.

Hot great that you have told the kids and a pretty good response from them. What relief.

VK - Same boat as you re school starting child. FWIW I think if waiting a week or so is manageable it is better. I'm determined to not taint his memory of first day at school. Its ok to wait until you are all ready x

I'm really struggling with how to tell the kids too. Especially seeing as I don't seem to be able to talk about it at all without crying.

Just got text from H saying DD up till 1am crying & blaming herself because of something I said. I tried to explain that as her & her brother had got older and spent more time with friends/in their rooms it had made us realise we had nothing in common or to talk about anymore. So now she thinks it's her fault. I feel heartbroken. I'm trying to be honest with them but obviously said the wrong thing. It's just early days right & can explain to her when she wakes?

Definitely early days. I haven't even managed to tell the kids yet.

Hot, I haven't much experience in this, and my children are older (teen and 8) but I'm sure with time and plenty of assurance, things will be ok.
I think if anything, it's good that your DD is expressing herself, letting you know of her worries and concerns and thus you can help her and address them....

Not sure if that's any help, and yes of course - its very early days.

Deep Breaths..... and

I would add - age appropriate honesty. Answer their questions. Try not to react but instead respond to their concerns.

My kids, teen , 9 and 4 are all ok, didn't fare any worse at school either thankfully. I don't take that fur granted though and am watching carefully. I kept telling myself "I'm the adult, I'll try to get them to take my lead"

Eldest two say it's not been nearly as bad as they thought it would be... Bless their hearts

Thank you all, it's helpful to know others are ok. Think I just had a wobble this morning x

It's so hard when it's raw. When you feel like you're at the bottom of a pit without a ladder to escape.
Day to day those rungs don't necessarily appear but week by week I think they do.
They appear at the strangest of times; the lightbulb moments and the periods of unbelievable peace.
We will all get there, of that I am sure.

Hi welsh here

Having a hideous time with stbxdp. He's not acceptimg , one month since i 'threw him out' that its over. He doesnt appear to understand WHY despite repeated explanations and at least 3 or 4 years unhappiness. He tells me i am depressed/irrational/midlifecrisis and that i am ripping him apart. I get a whiff of a possibility he will be about to put up a legal fight (we are not married and i own the house and have paid for all improvements).

He has even requested a trial rerun until xmas essentially dragging this out turther. I am actually do pissed off with his harrassment its only strengthening my case.

I've asked him to postpone discussions until dc has started school (basically to wait a further rwo weeks as I will NOT have my child's first day tinged with sadness and allof this stuff. But he insists on text bombing constantly.

Hope everyone else is ok. Weekends are tough (but imho tougher when we were together)...

Sorry to hear that you're still going through this barn when you thought you were getting somewhere. I can completely relate to what's being thrown back at you - irrational/depressed/midlife crisis etc, v similar narrative here. It's hard to not let it affect your resolve. Can't believe he wants to string it out till xmas - that's ages away!

We've actually just had some time apart but now back together again - and need to talk about what's happening. Have seen a solicitor now so feel armed with what the position is as stbxh has threatened all kinds of stuff about finances - and made it abundantly clear that he feels i have made virtually no contribution . I have no idea where things will go when we sit down to talk. Whether he's accepted stuff and is ready to move forward (in a vaguely reasonable way) or whether we too go back over it all again. Am kind of putting off the chat tbh.

That sounds tough green, have you made him aware that had you gone to work he would have been contributing at least half of the childcare bill over the years? So in theory while you haven't been doing paid work, you have been allowing him to progress his career and probably saved him a lot of money.
Hope things get easier for you, and hopefully you can come to an agreement re splitting before Xmas, as I know if my H tried to drag this out for another Xmas I really don't think I could cope with that. Although when I think about it I've been trying to get out for 3 years now so I have managed to get through 3 Xmases in this situation but each one has gotten a little bit harder than the last.
My H has now accepted that we are splitting, he has a flat to go to and will probably be moving in around 3 weeks. Things really boiled over last week when he was very very drunk and started to get abusive, I had to call on family to come and remove him, but DC could hear us arguing and eldest knows something is wrong I think. I still don't want to talk to kids about a split until after DD is settled into school. (I'm thinking in around 2-3 weeks)
I am now thinking that we might get away with him moving out part time to begin with and I can just tell DC that he's having to work late/left early a few days a week to stall the chat.
DD is only 4 but she's pretty thick skinned and not quite as sensitive as her brother, but she adores her dad and I think she greatly prefers him and his company than mine
DS is 7 but a very sensitive boy - I've seen him cry at one of those charity ads before. He also adores his dad.
I feel like I'm ripping the rug from under their feet and tearing their little worlds apart.

Pint that's so true, things little better today. Kids seem ok so far. My DD said she is ok but is talking & asking questions like will we ever go out again all together if say it's her birthday. I just said don't see why not at the minute (birthday March so won't worry about that now). Son not really said anything more but acting same as normal.

H annoying me as now sitting in same room as me every night instead of other lounge. I want to ask him to give me space :/ He also overly questioning everywhere I go, I admit going out at weekends more than normal because I hate staying home. He never used to even ask where/when/who but now is. How can I politely say you need to let me live me life?

Deep I'm sorry it's difficult, I know all about putting off conversations, I do that too but always feel relief afterwards. Don't worry too much about finances, courts take into account your contribution to the family as much as his.

Barn be strong & hold your resolve, you have come this far.

VK that sounds a good idea. I felt the same as you re telling kids but it's not been as bad as I feared. I do know the timing must be right for you.

for everyone

VK - I feel it just says it all that he thinks I have made virtually no contribution. It's just all about the money for him - and his needs. I know that the law sees things differently- but would prefer not to have to have a huge dispute about it. Thinking about trying mediation as a way of working out all the finance stuff but haven't mentioned that to him yet - not sure how he'll feel about that, but imagining that as it costs money he won't be keen! Glad you're making progress on him moving out though. Know what you mean about telling kids - feel like I'm about to really shatter their world.

Hot - glad things a little better with the children. I totally hear you on the needing space front. I have had some time on my own and totally got used to it. Now he's back its just suffocating again. Really want to try and pin down what's happening about someone moving out this week before we go on holiday. Then we can also plan when to tell kids.

Am dreading the holiday obviously but the kids are looking forward to it so much. Anyone else had to get through a lengthy holiday away together this summer?!? Any tips on how to survive it?!!

Re holidays we had a week away but with othet fam members which made it bearable. However there was still daily bickering. I drank too much every night. Do remembers it as a great hol. It was but there were so many crinch points for me including his behaviour towards the kids, seeing other couples etc etc.

hot good luck with dc school tomorrow..we're planning a happy family morning and lunch. Nothing will tarnish my little ones first day at school.

Hi to everyone deep in the trenches, all fighting our own wars!
I've been keeping my head down after a fairly atrocious week or so but am slowly gathering myself
I am seeing a counsellor who is wonderful (I've been to her before and she knows me and had met H. A few times. She knows what I'm dealing with!)
The first thing I've had to do is stop drinking. Every day. I'm a week into that and it's bloody hard but I know alcohol is really not my friend right now and I can't handle it.
The second thing is that I realise I'm never going to have a chance of getting out while I'm in huge personal debt so I'm going to have to address that.
The third and final thing is that I must accept I'm not getting out any time soon, and I have to figure out how I'm going to handle that.
That's where I'm at.
It's not pretty, but I have some clarity as I was literally twisting myself into knots looking for answers that don't exist.
I think staying sober is going to be key to this process and that's going to be very, very difficult as booze has become such a crutch over the years.
It takes away some of the loneliness and numbs the pain. Those are certainly the main reasons I drink.
But I've GOT to get out of this mess.

Hi. Up, well done you.
I'm having a really bad day. I just feel in such a hopeless situation and so trapped. I know I should be able to leave, but why don't I. There's always an excuse. It feels like addiction, you know it's unhealthy in the relationship but I can't summon the strength and plan to do it, but in my head I've gone and in body I'm wondering what not I shall get and how we will split things??!!!

Hey shandy
It can all seem so overwhelming when you look at it all at once. Have you tried breaking down the different elements? Would it help to try to talk it out here, (or Dm!) or with an outside party?
Hang in there...!

Hi all and hugs to all I can't believe this thread is still going!! And on the same note.. I'm still in the same situation as I was when the first thread started I can't keep handling being the bitch although I need to be To get anything to happen. I even said to him last night... what else do I need to do to make you understand I don't love you and don't want to be with you?! I just can't stand the constant limbo where I feel my life is constantly on hold. Round 2 tonight so will see what happens then

Hi miss and thanks up this is my lifeline as well as my rl friend. Miss I know the limbo and carrying on is ridiculous really, but I think that's why this thread is so helpful that you don't feel totally inept that you know things aren't right but you're still in the situation. And as up said sometimes it will take years to get yourself in a position you can actually split. Althoigh of course for abusive situations there are Women's aid provisions and such.
We're hanging in there. Hugs to all.

I've done it!! He has agreed! After much talking last night he has said that he will move out. The agreement is that we wait until Xmas as he wants one last Xmas with the kids at home and we still have youngest birthday plus he still needs to find a job ASAP. I was willing to sell and rent for a while but he wants to try and keep the house so have agreed for the time being. The relief is indescribable. to all xx