Thread for those who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL, just unsatisfying (pt. II)

[All0vertheplace]

The last thread reached 1,000 posts (!) so here's where we can keep the discussion going. Cake and flowers to all.

My dc asked me to do a picture of our house & garden so here's what I painted. It's provided some light relief so thought I would share 🤔

Hi Everyone!

Love the drawing and the gleeful spirit emanating from the girl in the blue dress.

These last few weeks have been shitty. Yes exDH and I get along fine, but that's only when I don't raise anything difficult. that's when the rows start.

I'm mainly fighting with myself. I'm disgusted that I am still fat, still drinking too much, still lazy, still etc etc.

yes I can find and think of the positives in my life, and I do, daily. however the neagtives are just a bit overwhelming at the minute, my confidence is at rock bottom and I am frightened I'm going to have another breakdown. last one was May 2014 and was the final deciding factor in ending my marriage.

who the fuck would have me anyway - couldn't tell you the last time I was kissed, had sex, felt emotionally close.

what if I never have that again in my life?

sorry v self-indulgent post. I do truly hope everyone is coping ok.

Know how you feel pint. I think sometimes it just feels overwhelming. Like trying to drag yourself through quicksand every single day. Last few weeks I've let myself slide badly, stopped doing the things I know are good for me.
Is there any one thing you can focus on to help you to start building up again? I know it's a yawn thing to say, but I know exercise is key for me. It's the foundation of starting to feel good about myself, and has the add-on of making me look better. And valuing myself to make and take the time to do it.
I don't feel much like it at the moment but I'm kicking back into it at 10am on Saturday morning. Want to join me (virtually?!)

welsh your drawing made me smile - thank you!

Welsh love your drawing!

Up I have just started exercising again, just little steps as very unfit but actually getting a bit of a buzz.

Pint I've been where you are but managed to drag myself out of it with the help of friends, my doctor and anti depressants. Took a long while but I got there. I got myself on a healthy diet, lost a tonne of weight and seriously feel so much more confident. Its just getting in the headspace to do all that. Maybe go speak to your GP, or a RL friend? That's what I did, broke down and was dragged to doctors.

Hugs x

Sorry haven't caught up with this new thread yet, was reading the other one but hadn't really posted.

Has any one else found that even though they thought they wanted to separate, when it looks like it might be happening you think wtf have I done

Ive - yes I absolutely know that feeling. Like you're suddenly standing on the edge of a cliff - feeling physically sick.
We are technically but not physically separated now. So I have actually managed to get past that feeling a few times. I'm sure it will come back at each major step we take even though I am now absolutely sure I'm doing the right thing.

Pint - sorry to hear you're having such a crap time at the moment. It's hard to look after yourself when you feel so low. Like Up says - maybe one step at a time? Though I know I find it hard to make any kind of change no matter how positive or good for me when I'm low.

Love the pic welsh 😄

Deep can I ask are you still doing washing, cooking for him? Even though I've told him we are over, nothing has changed. But it feels rude to not do those things.

He's doing a lot more of that kind of stuff for himself but I have cooked for both of us or chucked some of his washing in with the rest if I've seen it. It would feel weird to be totally separate about it - although I think that's what you have to be to be 'separated' in the eyes of the law!
We've done a pretty good job of avoiding each other for the past few weeks so it's not been quite like normal anyway.

Thanks Deep. Things haven't been great for ages and I was pretty sure I didn't love him anymore and was thinking about separating. I've been pretty distant and he's been cold and moody. This morning he accused me of having an affair (I'm not) and said we were finished. I didn't have time to talk as I was heading out, now he is away for work for 2 weeks.

Thanks all. I know this will pass how ever I'm frightened I'll want hi back so that I do t feel quite so useless.

That's despite the fact o can barely tolerate him breathing beside me.

That sounds horrible Ive - how are you feeling about the time apart? May give you time to get things straight in your mind?? It's such a massive decision/change, it's hard to know how you can go through it with absolute certainty and without those feelings of 'wtf am i doing' in this (unsatisfying but not awful) situation. I've wondered if I'm going mad - or being incredibly impulsive. But then remember that I have felt unsure and unhappy for years. And the further I am getting through this process the more sure I feel that I am doing the right thing.

Hope you're having a better day today pint

bit by bit. I'm so effing tired. I think, and I've said to some of you before, take each day as it comes...
I'm following my own advice and not analysing the way I'm feeling. things are going to be up and down for a while.

I don't miss 'him' however I miss the idea of being cherished and respected. seems too much to hope for right now.

we have 3 fabulous kids. I'm hanging onto that. big time.

Pinterest has some fab quotes. I've enjoyed reading through them - ima sentimental, romantic fool though....

Hallo again everyone. I lost this thread somewhere along the way and haven't caught up with it all yet so my apologies for that.

We are three months Post Conversation here. H has moved out, although it took a little meltdown from me to get it happening- I think he believed that I didn't really want him to go, that I still loved him and we could work it out. Unfortunately the love I had for him disappeared, bit by bit, years ago.

We went out for dinner and a film the other night (it was a Christmas gift we were given and I didn't have the heart to decline) and it was so awkward. I realised just how much effort I'd always put in to making conversation, keeping things interesting etc. When I had no need to, there was nothing left.

Tomorrow we go on our last family holiday. I'm dreading it, tbh, but at least it's an activity kind of thing rather than two weeks lying on a beach.
My stress levels are already high as my dad has cancer and won't live for more than a few months. I've known about it since January and I think H believed that it was that that made me have The Conversation.

It wasn't- it just made me realise how short life is and how it's not worth wasting one second of being stuck in an unhappy marriage.

Now I wake up in the mornings and although I'm 47, soon-to-be twice divorced and possibly a singleton for ever , I still feel more positive than I have for years. I'm also sleeping better, my skin has stopped breaking out in spots and people have noticed that I am happier.

So to everyone still stuck in the mire- hang on in there

(And I'll go back and catch up with everything now )

for you, Shodan. It sounds like happier times for you, without your STB-ex-H.

I haven't updated for ages; am still stuck. DP is finally seeing a Dr for his depression & started on medication.

I just feel so distant from him (no wonder after 4 years of no sex!) & am mentally thinking forward to when I can leave, in a couple of years. I just don't see a way back here; and I don't necessarily want to ( he cheated in the past).

It just seems a bit overwhelming, as I have no family support nearby & he works long hours, so I really will be doing it all alone. I worry about finances as childcare is so expensive (hence waiting 2 years until DC starts school).

And it's my second failed relationship - was married before & thought I'd get it right 2nd time round. I really seem to pick them

I look round & see so many functional relationships; feeling very dysfunctional & wondering if people are noticing the cracks.

Urgh. I'll still be posting on this thread for a while to come. Need start buying lottery tickets.

Hi Shodan and Sauvignon. Nice to catch up again with you. Glad your post convo has resulted in actually separating Shodan. But I hope the holiday isn't too much. I have found the whole summer being off and having family time an enormous strain. I had said I was out of here, end of the relationship, but no, I got persuaded to stick out this 'family time' and as I had nowhere to go went with it. But it's really been a few brief glimmers of being ok and then back to the mire with any glint of stress affecting us. I'm more convinced about leaving now, although I know when routine kicks in its so easy to stay as we live pretty separate lives, but I'll be so depressed if we're still like this at Christmas. I've also had two panicks attacks recently, which is a bit worrying. I know it's the strain but I also know if I plough on now things will get worse, living this pretence is really getting to me. It's been 3 weeks since our last convo and I'm really loathing the thought of gearing up for another!
But i just keep dreaming of that day when I'm free and independent and alone, and then I look at my dcs and know that they won't appreciate being separated from their Dad any more than he or I will. Oh for another solution with no hurt. I'm thinking maybe I should go the GP but I don't want to shut off my feelings to a numb state of putting up with stuff again, but I do need my strength to forge on with changing my life.

Thanks, Sauvignon and shandy. How apt, when I'm about to spend a 'fanily' week half cut Good to see you both again, although I'm sorry things are still difficult for you.

I look round & see so many functional relationships;

That's exactly what I thought. But when I told people H and I were separated, I was surprised at how many of them (women particularly) said things like "We have no connection any more" "I've thought about separation several times" etc. A lot of them said how brave I was.

I don't know about brave . Selfish. Weak. Mean. These things I have thought about myself. But maybe brave is the right way to look at it. Leaping off the springboard of familiarity and security into the great unknown. Yeah- that's a better way of looking at it I reckon.

My boys have been great. Ds1 (20, not H's biological son) has always been great- his main concern has always that I'm happy. But he looked at me recently and said " This has been coming about for years, hasn't it?" You think they don't notice, but they do.

Ds2 (8) has been absolutely fine post separation, although he still gets worried if someone says we're getting divorced- sadly in his little world divorced=never seeing your dad again. This is from stories from some of his classmates I think. So we don't talk about divorce- we'll just go ahead and quietly do it and tell him later so he can see that it won't affect his relationship with his dad.

Just quickly, because I really have to finish getting things done for this bloody holiday-

Anna6567- I could have written very similar things prior to both my marriages. My advice, for what it's worth from someone who really cocked it up, is don't marry this guy. What you feel now will only magnify over the years. Hold out for someone who you really can't imagine being without, because when the going gets tough (and it will, at some point, because life is like that), it's that which will hold you together.

It is totally exhausting isn't it pint. I'm not doing well at not overthinking things. My mind is constantly churning. Don't know how things are going to resolve and I just cant deal with uncertainty well at the best of time.

Shodan - thanks for sharing your experiences of further down the line. Gives me a bit of hope - especially regarding telling your children. I also have a family holiday coming up which I'm dreading. I'm worried that he might see this as one last chance. I think I am going to have to say really clearly before we go that it really isn't (and then I'll feel awful - again).

I really need to know who is going to move out and when and when we're going to tell DCs so I can stop pretending to them and the world at large. That is what is totally doing my head in.

Feel for you sauvignon - have also succumbed to a lottery ticket in desperation!

Thanks Shodan, that's reassuring. Sorry about your dad xx

Sauvignon & Deep that's it I'm starting to buy lottery tickets! I too am worried about finances & in fact it's the only reason we are still in the same house.

My H has still not told his parents & sister, planned to tell the kids this weekend but postponing till he gets his head out the sand. I think he thinks if he delays it will go away. But I've decided to text his sister next week if he doesn't as I must know if her, MIL and nieces want tickets for a family event my Gran organised by next week and they have to know about us before deciding. It's unfair for them to pay £100 (a huge amount for them) not knowing. I have told him this. So I will text her reminding her I need to know about tickets but she needs to speak to her brother first. Sound fair? I will ask him again first though. My best friend thinks it's the only way he will do it!

That sounds like a good way of forcing the issue Hot without doing anything too drastic.
There's so much to consider isn't there - and so many things you can't do until something else happens. Frustrating.

That one word sums it up. Frustrating xx

AllOver - are you still reading? Just thinking of you, wondering how you are getting on?

I am away for a couple of nights just me and kids. Great restbite. Much needed.

Just been doing some long overdue housework.. Happy songs playing...

Keep telling myself it will be ok.

Love to you all X

Enjoy your break Iron

Some people might know me from a previous post, and thank god for that post because since then I have been planning to leave.

We are not married but I have been under his spell since I was 12, we live at my mum and dads BUT I can't ask him to leave because he is so good at playing the victim to everybody. He already tells people that I am crazy and everyone laughs at me, it's a running joke I have just gone along with it for so long and I REFUSE to let him twist it this time.

How do I get him to leave without him being able to play the victim? The reason he stays is because I have been under his foot for so long, he uses me for money and also his children are here. He's the type that even if he saw me sobbing for a certain reason he'll out right say he can't see it so even if I try driving him out by being distant I know he won't leave.

Please can you help me get him away from me x