Thread for those who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL, just unsatisfying (pt. II)

[All0vertheplace]

The last thread reached 1,000 posts (!) so here's where we can keep the discussion going. Cake and flowers to all.

Hi all,

Sorry to hijack this thread - please feel free to ignore my message if you think it's not appropriate to ask here - but I was just scanning the relationships board as I'm getting married in 5 weeks and have a major case of cold feet despite FI being a great man who is honest, trustworthy and supportive.

He is also quiet, socially awkward and relies on me to plan social events and holidays etc which I find frustrating as I would like him to have more independence from me with these things - left to his own devices he would work or he does have one hobby - but he doesn't make much of an effort with other things. Lately I've been listening to how he speaks to others and almost cringing wondering if I can deal with this for the rest of my life.

Did any of you have any doubts about their H before marriage? Despite them having great qualities just a feeling that it may not be enough?

Sending you all love

Oh Iron, it's not easy. A year or so ago I was drinking too much too but it took me to a scary place and I had to stop. It's hard though, I do understand.

Hi Anna, if I'm honest yes I had doubts but I glossed them over. My H has not once in 20 years organised so much as a cinema trip never mind a holiday etc. I think you need to think very carefully, marriage does not magically change people so the things you find you are unhappy with now will still be there, a wedding won't change that.

Have you spoken to him about these things?

I just need to offload. He actually brought up the subject last night after getting home at 9.30pm. Again asking was I sure, I honestly despaired, and said yes. Then came a lot of blame on me, some of which I agree with, most not. He does not seem to understand his inability to speak to me is the crux of all this. Apparently I once told him to man up (cant remember why) and so he decided not to show feelings? He said the same thing he has said year after year, he will change, this time its different. He pleaded with me. I have never felt so cruel. But I do not love him, I no longer enjoy his company. He hurt me so badly with rejection I cannot go back. I am 100% sure. He said he will never accept it. I said this wont help, it wont make me change my mind. I cannot change my mind and would he really want me to when I would just be staying for the kids sake. This is so exhausting. I am devastated I have hurt him so badly and he feels his life is over but should I really stay with him for that reason. I cannot bare for him to touch me, all feelings are gone (I don't want to hurt him more and say that). What on earth do I do next?

Oh Hotwaterbottle1, that sounds awful :-( It's what I'm dreading when I come to have the conversation –I've been asking for change for years but it doesn't matter what he says now, my feelings have gone.

Iron - I am also relying way too much on alcohol at the mo. Just can't face trying to deal with cutting back on that whilst handling everything else. Sorry to hear about the row. Hope you're ok.

Hot - so sorry to hear you had to go through all that again. It doesn't get easier the more you say it does it. Stay strong - and true to your feelings. What else can you do? When I go over it again with my OH I just wonder how he can want to be with someone who feels this way - or how he thinks it can possibly work.

Hi Anna - I'm afraid to say I did have these doubts before marriage. They have reared their heads sporadically over the years that followed and always been glossed over. The problem is that if you go on to have children - these issues can just become a lot more problematic under the strain - at least they have in our case. Definitely worth having a good think about how you really feel. I didn't have the confidence to do anything back then - can't say I wish I had as I do have my lovely DCs - but it is going to be a LOT harder to extricate myself now - and hurt a lot more people.

I have some more time away from my OH at the moment - should give me time to think and plan but feel myself slipping into a big low. The reality of being on my own, not part of a couple - and how that affects other friendships/relationships. It doesn't make me regret what I'm doing but just realise how hard it's going to be - and how I feel v alone and unwilling to overburden RL friends. Fortunately I'm seeing a counsellor but really need some hugs, love and affection.

Does anyone have a standard fielding response to give when people ask why you're splitting up? I don't mind going into detail with some close friends. But everyone obviously asks why - and I don't want to go into detail with most people, as it's not straightforward and leaves a lot of room for questioning responses which make me start doubting what I'm doing again....

Sorry you feeling low deep. If it helps I'm feeling the same, I totally understand.

I know what you mean re affecting other relationships. Silly things like I've been invited to two fortieth sand both friends said I can bring a friend. Not that everyone else will be couples but still.

I also feel alone, RL friends are great but have their own lives.

I've said we have just grown apart, got together very young and if pushed I'd rather not talk about it if you don't mind. No one has say they do mind lol!

Thanks Hot.
I guess it's early days of telling people so I've not quite got it sussed so it suits what I can deal with rather than others' natural curiosity!
I went to quite a lot of things on my own before (part of the problem) so I'm kind of used to it - but it is somehow different/not the same dynamic when you are seen as being single rather than with someone but on your own if you know what I mean.

Hi Deep, I know what you mean. I'm still totally trapped in my fake marriage, and there's this awful mental tension between wanting to be free of it, and also a dread of loss of the status and being a middle-aged divorcee or singleton. I think it's linked to that feeling of being 'safe' that marriage gives you. I feel that still, but the loneliness of this 'marriage' is slowly killing me.
Added to that, I have terrible feelings of loss for a fledgling thing I had with a younger man. We only met 6 times, but had an amazing connection and I miss him badly.
All in all, there's not much to get out of bed for in the morning for me, bar my kids. And I'm lucky to have a fairly ok job. I just don't care much about anything at the moment though. I really don't

Sorry for banging on.

You're not banging on Up. The situation you describe sounds really tough.
I think getting a taste of real feelings for someone else just makes it so much worse - when you can't/don't want to do anything about them. You remember what it could be like and contrast it with the utter emptiness/unhappiness of your existing relationship.
Hope you feel like you can see a way forward soon

I don't think you are banging on either Up.

I tell people we have grown apart but still care very much for each other which is subtext for no abuse and no infidelity and actually I'm not getting into that with you thank you very fucking much.

I'm also wondering about friend dynamics particularly our best couple friends (although theres only a handful). I'm also expecting a whole bunch of 40th. Alot of friends talking about new york with hubby the thought of similar made me feel ill. I think being 38 and the impending milestone had made me shit myself. Yep I guess that'd be the midlife crisis eh.

Feeling for you all. I was thinking the same especially about Deep's comment about being on your own but now as a divorcee rather than an absent husband. I'm certainly not going to be entertaining jokes or pokes of woo how about him, isn't he nice, business. I'm slowly getting through the days and dreading our next talk as were meant to be trying but to me nothing's changed and I feel an inevitability about splitting. Because we've not been about each other's throats I'm sure he'll be like but it's ok! And sometimes it is, but I still think I'd prefer to be alone. I know in going to struggle especially when the kids will be away.
I was wondering whether people ever split their children, like as we've got 3dcs, sometimes he has 2 and then swaps, so they all have some individual time with us? Or is that really not done and a bad idea for them?
Iron and a Deep raising a glass, yes it's not really what we should be doing, but this is hard.

I will try and craft some standard response along those lines. I like adding in the we still care about each other bit - to rule out questions/asumptions about affairs/abuse. Just need to be able to close it all down if people get persistent.
I find people always immediately ask whether we've been to counselling - maybe I'm being over-sensitive - but feel like they're almost judging whether you've tried hard enough. We haven't - he didn't want to, although right around time of the final conversation he said he would as he didn't want me to say afterwards that he had refused?! I didn't really feel that was the right spirit to be going into it with plus I also really feel like it is over. Anyway - the point is, I dont want to be judged on whether we have or not or to blame it on him.

I think we might sometimes do the same with our DCs Shandy but maybe not as a standard thing. We do it anyway now when it's more practical for one to do an activity with the eldest DCs - so I don't think it will be that strange/unusual for them if that happens from time to time after the split.

Friendship dynamics with other couple friends are def going to be the most affected I agree Welsh. Although we've actually been so separate that even a lot of couple friends are more mine or his friends - or so it has been - whether the realities of the situation change that - I hope not.

Shandy
I was just reading a thread on here about snogging. He's in a good mood. Just rang him about something random and he was all jokey. I feel like such a shit. Wish I could click to a few years back when I hadn't opened any doors... (Sorry profound mood.)

💋👠🚀

Back to being awful again. What I'm doing to him, destroying everything he's worked for. How it's going to ruin him financially (it isn't). All mainly because he wants to stay in the house so we'll need to buy somewhere else for me and DCs, which will be a bit of a stretch but doable.

He's happy to see me in some teeny place (appropriate to my contribution I suppose) while he sits happy in our lovely big house - which of course I have put nothing into. Trying my absolute hardest not to get drawn in to a huge slanging match.

Sorry Up, I know exactly how you feel. Loneliness is the one thing I just hate. Its not worth staying in a marriage feeling this way.

As we have a teenage boy & girl we often do separate things with them that are age appropriate, usually cinema so that should just continue as normal.

Are you in England Deep as I believe there is some sort of ruling that you would get to stay in the family home until the youngest is 18 or out of full time education. I'm in Scotland so the rules are different (we would have to agree that between us). Worth you getting advice as that way makes no sense. Stick to your guns staying in the family home.

Hello ladied.

Deep I hear you. Im proud to say that I have never taken time off for non physical reasons but today I took a panic attack and general melt down due to numerous guilting msgs from stbx. How im destroying the family unit/wont give him a chance etc. Im usually quite strong but after my dream that he suicided last night because of me I hadnt slept well and was not in the frame of mind to manage. So I left work and came home to try and look after myself. Thankfully got some great rl.support. Its really messing with my head though.

Shandy, iron, deep, hot and any other regular users would you like to set up a private message group here or on facebook. I do the facebook group with my mn antenatal buddies and the benefit is that conversations are more private hence less anxious about being found by ppl in RL.

Message me if you are interested.

And up yergansy
Love your username!

I'd like to Welsh but don't use Facebook right now

No worries. I dont want to seem pushy or stalkerish. Just dont want stbx finding me

Welsh - it's hard to stay strong in the face of those kind of messages. It's only human to feel bad if you think you're hurting someone. I feel bad/stressed about it too - but also pretty annoyed, as I feel it's being used manipulatively - consciously or sub-consciously...
Hope your day at home has given you some respite. I know what you mean about it messing with your head - mine feels like it's about to explode!
Hot - I am in England and have read about that kind of order before. Your post has prompted me to email a solicitor about an appt though -which I've been meaning to do for ages, so thanks. Will be good to clarify exactly where I stand. Also I think what the law actually really cares about is what's in the best interests of the children - not him (or me for that matter). I'm going to also try bearing that in mind too before getting dragged into a nasty argument about who's 'entitled' to what.

Deep thank you.
Today is a new day and its going to be better than yesterday.
Shared some dealbreakers with my friend last night felt stronger. Which all helps.

Inspirational quote of the day: the unexamined life is a life not worth living...

Hi welsh - I don't do FB either - gave it up a few years ago and haven't missed it once!
Feeling slightly less awful today - it's not much but I'm taking it. Planning to keep myself busy this weekend. I spent most of last weekend alone in a darkened room. I realise that kind of thing is just pure and unadulterated self-sabotage and I need to put a stop to it.
If H would just fuck off out of the house sometimes, it would be good, but he never does. He has no family to visit (abroad), no friends just colleagues, no hobbies (outside of a computer game). He joined the gym recently but never goes.
God forgive me but sometimes I just wish he'd drop dead. I don't really.

not really really 😳🤔😇