Thread for those who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL, just unsatisfying (pt. II)

[All0vertheplace]

The last thread reached 1,000 posts (!) so here's where we can keep the discussion going. Cake and flowers to all.

What an awful time iron how did you go about it? What were the responses? Keep your chin up 💐

Horrible working out the practicalities... Keep positive

Spam and Sam - my reality is so similar to yours!! Aside from the extra-curricular attention, my experience is so similar. Spooky

Hurley and Iron - i feel so much for you

Hurley yes you drift into it, thinking im just too demanding or i expect too much. But i now realise thats not the case, we both deserve more DH and I.

Iron i think your marriage is more than just unsatisfying. Omg youve had the conversation (again) - so sad :( Whats happening now?

Info it was pure love and still is. But some things change in 20 years

Has anyone had counselling ? I had another talk and my husband doesn't want us to give upthings are awful at the moment
But yet again counselling with a view to having sexual feelings for my best friend? Will it work
Last time I felt the counsellor turned it unfairly on my husband and didn't quite get to the route of it (not sure it's possible)
I feel for you all some of you really are struggling
It's an emotional time of year xxx hugs to everyone

I tried counselling but the counsellor basically supported me through the breakup as she felt it was the right decision to leave

I keep falling off the thread, not read it for ages, will catch up later and update. Hope everyone is ok and had a nice Christmas

I haven't considered counselling, because I don't honestly believe for one second it will reveal a way to fix what I feel? Sure it can make both parties listen and get a better perspective.. But it can't make me fancy him again or feel those emotions. If you can live with that, and either forget sex or just go through the motions then that is one solution I suppose. I may be a selfish cow but I want a different relationship to that model, or just to be content being single...I want my Dds to see you 1) don't HAVE to have a partner to be happy. 2)you shouldn't accept an unhappy marriage, where you are like a mum to the man!

That's just me tho..everyone's circumstances are so unique and varied.

HurleyGirl I could have written your post.

He won't leave. Not sure what to do... I have no reason to throw him out and it is his home too. No idea what people do in this situation - me move out?

Que and Sam think we are so similar with situations
Que even we are similar the fact we have been renovating a house now have almost a lovely home
I am so confused woke up this morning thinking I must be making this up why would I behave like this to an amazing husband and man?
Truly feel trapped
I am hoping counselling this time round can address my feelings
I finally got hubby to admit things aren't and haven't been right (or sex:husband and wife thing)
I just wish I could wave a want and change this as I love him as a best friend I Spose
I am pushing him away at the moment cos the way I feel
Hearing your counselling situations I am not sure this will just draw out the limbo situation longer how do I get counselled to want to have sex with my best friend?
When my feelings have been like this for ever

Hearing other ops stories makes me feel bad as some OH are not so wonderful !

Ps chokehold would you mind me asking why your counsellor thought it was best you broke up? X
Tinking of you all x

Well we've had a pretty rubbish Christmas, underlying tension and petty arguments, were both miserable and the kids are picking up on it.
Definitely clear in my head now that we need to call it a day no matter how difficult.
I'm planning the next move and I'm going to ask him to work away for a while Monday to Friday (possible in his line of work) and have a "trial" separation.
I feel really sorry for him, he's done nothing wrong but I can't live this half life any more.
Just got to find the right time to bring it up.

Oh Sam I do feel for you Christmas for us has been awful too
Talked loads and cannot get anywhere
I have agreed for more counselling but am doubtful it will help
My hubby is old fashioned and thinks we just have to work on it solve it
I also have extra curricular attention but I think it's a product of how unhappy I feel .

Sam how long have you been feeling this?
I think I have buried these feelings for years yet panic that I am throwing a great marriage away for passion!
How do you think your children will take it? Ours dote on my hubby
I am so trying to see it through till back to routine but my hubby is hurting and I hate what I am doing to him
A friend of mine is in same situation doesn't have sex with hubby but she won't split the family although think she would contemplate an affair
I just couldn't do that although am on the edge now and am in a dangerous position where I want to!!!thats not normal is it?

I feel for you Sam best of luck at this horrible time I know how you must be in turmoil as I certainly am xxx

Ps another thing to think is can you imagine your husband with another woman and how would you feel?? I think I would find it odd but don't think I would be jealous

Spam I think it's completely normal to be considering an affair. I know I did when I was in that situation- also though I wanted my XH to go off and do the same. I was hoping he'd make the change from being my husband to being someone else's this way but it never happened. Probably a cowards way out but the truth nevertheless.

My counsellor had me in for a session on my own (after calling first step) and once I'd gone over how I felt she said that my feelings that it was fairest to let him go and move on was the best thing. Luckily we were still young (?!) enough to make our new lives with someone else, the flogging of a dead horse could stop (it had been years of me feeling this). I was extremely down at the time. The feeling of being a failure and a disappointment. The thought of hurting my XH when he'd not done a lot wrong. The thought of not only losing my best friend but also family who I'd come to think of my own for many many years as I grew up. It wasn't just letting go of him, but everything as I knew it. The only thing that stayed the same was my job, which thankfully, I loved. It was hard but it was right.

A friend of mine took the plunge not long after. It seemed like my split caused a ripple effect and soon after there were 4/5 couples I knew splitting up for similar reasons, some with kids, some without. Some tried again for a short while but all have gone onto happier relationships.

It is hard, and financially I couldn't imagine how I'd get through it - even thinking back I don't know how I managed. Soon you realise what you need and what you don't. You become thrifty and efficient. Somehow you do cope.

For a while I felt I was losing my mind. I'd be off the scale in one or the other direction. Hysterically happy or hysterically sad. In the end most of my friends didn't know what to do with me randomly crying and laughing.

Counselling helped.

Good luck!💐

P.S. my XH is now in, by all accounts, a happy relationship expecting his first child 😊

Hi spam
Sorry you're going through turmoil as well, I've imagined him with another woman, moving on and being happy with someone else and to be honest it does hurt but the alternative which is what we have now is just too much to bear, I want him to be happy,
If the guy from work wanted a repeat performance I have to be honest and say I probably would, I felt alive and don't feel I'm strong enough to pass the chance of having those feelings again, (that won't happen though) all the more reason why I have to sort this out.
Of course I am hoping it's the right thing by separating but what I did I wouldn't have done or even considered if I was happily married, I just feel nauseous constantly and yearn for something more. A great love affair or a thunderbolt? Doubtful but I'm not even bothered, I just want to be on my own whilst maintaining a great friendship with dh, he really is a great guy, dad , friend and provider but we are over 3 years without any intimacy, not even a hug, we also had a 5 year period earlier in our marriage without intimacy, it's just not right.
Hope you are able to enjoy the rest of Christmas and new year without too much angst.

Chokehold, your posts really help me see that it is possible, hard going but possible.

Can I join please?

I'm separated from my husband but I don't know if it's temporary or permanent yet. He had been on dating sites arranging to meet other women. When I found this out I started thinking in depth about our entire relationship and I've realised how selfish and unhelpful he is. I asked him to leave and he's been gone for 3 weeks now, it actually feels easier without him. I have time off from the kids which he never gave me when we were together (I'm a SAHM to two full on toddlers). I get to watch what I want on TV and control the running of my own house without being told I'm doing things wrong. I don't miss the affection because there wasn't any to miss.

Things often are easier. The worse thing I found was lack of money, other day to day things were better.

Welcome Palculm

Hi everyone. I just found this thread, and some of your experiences are so eerily similar to mine, so I'm joining for morale support. I haven't separated yet, not even had the conversation yet but I need to, soon. Quick background:
Together 18 yrs, married 12, 2 DS 7&5. I'm 42, he's 52.
Good man, good dad, friends & family all love him. Been through a LOT.
Sex life used to be great but became a bit too risqué for me a few years ago to the point I felt dirty & cheap, when I told him this, he said he understood but just went back to asking for things I already said I didn't like. So sex ground to a halt, not had proper sex for a good couple of years.
We kind of muddled along in a semi-comatose state I guess. And it probably would've continued like that - me doing the flamingo head-in-sand thing.
Earlier this year I found texts & photos on his phone to a strange woman he met online, making plans to meet for sex. I confronted him and thought my world had fallen apart.
Since then I've thought a lot about the state of our marriage that led up to that moment, and came to the realisation I was more bothered that the man I married was gone, not bothered that he was about to screw another woman. Bad eh?
Last week, I found more texts of the same type. This is after lots of secret iPad use, large spells of ignoring each other or constant bickering, and zero physical contact.
No idea if he's just meeting online or RL, but I've realised I don't really care. I'm disgusted, sad, scared of what's to come, and mourning the future life I thought we'd have. Especially the financial security. But I think I deserve someone to look at me 'that' way, you know? Someone who thinks I'm their missing puzzle piece, that I'm the best thing since sliced bread. Is that unrealistic at 42? Christmas has been so bad, cannot even look at him I'm so disappointed in him. And my mind is blowing up with what's ahead, so not slept in about a week. I've got a good job, better paid than his, but I'm scared I might lose my home if we split, or be unable to provide for my boys, or be unable to keep my job (sometimes travel to London with 5am starts - who'll watch my kids at that time with no grandparents left alive?). And what if I can't handle being on my own, what if it becomes nasty? I just keep thinking that my boys deserve a better model of what a great marriage is. It's just overwhelming... :-(
Cheers for listening/reading xx

Welcome Nicetomeetyou.

chokehold thank you for your post
It's heartbreaking as we have children with extra needs who don't need this in their life. Also a house we spent years doing up but tbh I just don't care at mo
Just so afraid of making a wrong decision but this is the second Christmas I felt like this
Relate last year didn't help I just buried my head in the sand

Am I expecting something I won't get at 40 years old? Passion with my other half

chokehold if you don't mind me asking how old were you when you split? Did you have dcs ? I agree with you I definitely think I am losing my mind and don't know which way to turn ... sometimes I wake and think I must be wanting something which isn't out there and I could hurt everyone for nothing ....

The fallout from friends and family and our dcs will be massive but maybe I need to live a life true to myself
He is my absolute best friend but that's as far as it goes I keep thinking maybe I can get those feeling back or get them anyway but I never really felt them in the first place

We will be one of those couples who everyone will be gobsmacked about ....
plus my parents will be so upset as they love my dh not to mention his family I will be the wicked wife

It's just awful

I am so trying to make it to Friday as am working Friday and Sunday which is a good distraction but we are arguing cos I am pushing him to limit ...
Our dh is definitely picking up on it

So wish things were different
I am even getting impatient and think I can't wait til counselling (have messaged a counsellor)

Thanks for listening

Sorry for going on
Welcome to the new op s and this is such a helpful thread at such an awful time
improperly happy sorry to hear what you are going through not an easy time maybe for you both can decide that there is no future in the relationship but not easy and am sure you are devastated
I think money is a lot of our worries
We live in quite an expensive area would hate to sell the house

Sounds like you are juggling too with work but I am sure you can try and work it out (as hard as it feels)
Good luck xxx

DS not dh!

Spam I have no kids so thankfully that wasn't a problem for me - reasons I didn't have them were partly because I knew it wasn't right for a long long time but I too felt those feelings of an I expecting too much, I should be thankful for what I've got, I could be making a mistake etc etc. I was 34 when split.
It's the unknown if it's right or wrong, the inevitable fact is, we won't know until it's too late in a lot of cases.
I tried to exercise every option - spice things up, role play, counselling, open relationship to the point where I had no options left and other than occasional mild changes - it just was not meant to be. At a very low point just before the first split (the second was the last) I detested him, I couldn't bear to be near him, my skin crawled and if he tried it on I thought I might be sick/punch hit lights out. In the end though I felt very little of anything. I was simply past caring.
It's awful because it does affect your kids but as I said with the ripple effect that happened with people around here, the kids ended up in a better place but there were times the mothers questioned going back etc (and some did briefly).
My advice is to try to keep it friendly. It is for everyone's well being, you are not trying to make people unhappy.

chokehold thank you wise words , I appreciate your help

Think I need to hang in there a little longer and after a while if not right I need to face up to it
I feel affection towards dh (I think more as a best friend) but don't want to kiss hold hands etc and any other intimacy I just can't stand
Used to think it was me but I am not so sure

Thanks again