Thread for those who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL, just unsatisfying (pt. II)

[All0vertheplace]

The last thread reached 1,000 posts (!) so here's where we can keep the discussion going. Cake and flowers to all.

Rat well done for initiating the conversation. Many of us (all?) here feel like heartless bitches too. It's a horrible feeling. I dont know how to deal with it. I guess just reminding myself that i never wanted this to happen, and all im doing is being honest (for my sake and DH's), and as my counsellor said that is brave esp when the consequences are so dire. And doubting yourself is par for the course too. Give yourself time to adjust to the new state of affairs x

I paint him to be awful and he's not just selfish, lazy and entitled or that's how it feels. He's not physically abusive but the marriage isn't fun anymore. He's too intense and grumpy. He frequently seems like he doesn't want to be here as he's tired and shouts at the kids. In truth I'm bored of him, his personality and his attitude. A token trying gesture would be nice once in a while but he pulls the lost little boy shit and nothing changes.

Mentally I know i could do it alone. But financially I'm very scared. Our mortgage is less than it costs to rent where we live. I have no job. But I wonder if the fear would be better than this. And then I have a wobble. That having someone is better than no one or that I'm being stupid (I have low self esteem and I think whether he realises it or not he gaslights me slightly).

Ms i know it's a bit of a cliche, but before you decide to stay or leave would you/he consider counselling? It's not recommended where one partner is emotionally abusive/domineering. But otherwise it could help clarify the issues/problems - and then you both could decide whether theres any hope of fixing them.

OH FFS. After a massive push to get my solicitor sorted and to get the stuff into court, there is a note left for me this morning from STBXH asking to go to family mediation. I've asked him what he hopes to achieve and its a "satisfactory outcome for all involved"
The fucker has signed Christmas cards from me to his family. He has been ignoring solicitor's letters for a year and now he wants mediation!!!!

I think the problem is he genuinely thinks he's a good guy and that he's not domineering or pushy. I've told him what bothers me numerous times and nothing changes. There's not even token changes. He just doesn't listen. I keep thinking if I can keep plugging on until the kids are a bit older but I don't enjoy spending time with him that much anymore. He's not horrible just quite immature and dull but I know the moment I suggest a split he'll turn into an utter bastard.

It's no life just biding time until kids are older, and they are amazing at picking up on fact it's an unhappy relationship. It leaves a bad example of what a relationship is..no cuddles, warm or closeness. Better a relaxed happier single parent..even if financially it's not easy.

Isa.. How bloody infuriating! They seem to think it will just go away...it's actually patronising, all the time are they thinking 'she won't go through with it.. I'll just ignore what she says, like f,ing usual '. I'd tell him the window of opportunity for mediation shut a long time ago.

Hurley that's so true. I'm fed up of the self pity, I don't know what's going on and give it time attitude.
He's known for two years I'm not happy. Almost split in May but he begged to try a bit over summer. Told him for final in October and due to move out in January, but he still ignores me and anything connected to it and anytime I being it up acts surprised that I haven't changed my mind yet despite doing nothing loving or remotely nice to make me think he even wants to bother. Not that I want him to, but it is so immature an attitude. It drives me bonkers.
I am scared though and upset for my kids that we won't have the normal family life they've had. I can still enjoy those bits but any interaction between us even then is harsh and negative.
He thinks I should be able to grin and bear it, but I can't anymore and even the hurt I cause and the loneliness and stress of being a single parent is worth the stress and aggro of living in this constant misery and negativity.
I just need the strength for the final move. It will be worth it.

That's a major factor for me...the negative atmosphere, it's obvious in this home..like we are only relaxed when the other is away. The refusal to acknowledge situation, maybe just another example of dh not doing anything until you actually stop doing it for him. Or in this case .. He will not make moves to find property, talk about it, look at finances...but if wheels are in motion he can't ignore. I can see me setting whole thing up for him...then it's happening and he has to engage. It's horrible tho, definitely right but feels horrible. Got to remember how horrible we have all been feeling for bloody years, conveniently ignored.

Anyone else struggling. The whole Christmas thing with family and doing things together won't be able to happen after we split. And although I know it's a false reality where neither of us are happy Christmas and trips and holidays will never be the same split up, will always be more of a struggle, happier provably for me but harder.
I don't think it's enough to make me change my mind but that and the financial responsibilities are weighing heavy on me tonight.

Christmas kind of amplifies everything, and I think every birthday, anniversary or family occasion will be raw for at least one year..it's same as if someone has died. Just try to think things will be different, but more honest and most definitely better? It's one week out of the year, think of all the other weeks spent in bad atmosphere..

Yes you're right Hurley. The whole tradition thing annoys me normally but yes you're right it's a facade really, where, as much as we try there's always family arguments by the end cos things bubble out from the trying

Xmas; new years. I can't fucking do this. But i have to. I'm going to. For all of our sakes. We are in free-fall. Neither of us knows whats happening. The other day he forcefully said that it's over, said he cant see any other option, that was the end. Now without warning he says he wants it to work but that I'm cold and he says its like I've died inside. If i don't lose my mind i'll stay in touch

Que. how are you? I'm feeling like this, I really don't want to lose it, but I'm feeling like I'm losing control.
I think I've lost perspective as well and I'm worried I'll just cave in and accept the status quo and dh will have sat there ignored everything of my emotions and just be all smug and carry on like, ah there we are she's got that out of her system, and carry on as usual.
I'm not even making sense here.

Don't lose it..make a list of your reasons for getting to this stage. Write it down..you need to remind yourself that you are justified in wanting more than the status quo...imagine 6 months on if you stay. You will most likely be depresses and despondent... You don't need to live like this you don't need him, he wants you to stay as it's easier for him...be strong

Hi, another new to the thread woman.

I've read through most of this thread and it seems like I don't have to deal with anywhere near as much aggravation from my husband as some of you. And that's where it feels awful that I want to leave him. I don't want counselling as I know I no longer love him and want to go. In the past he has been awful but the last couple of months he has really tried, but we are basically incompatible.

We've been together over 20 years but only recently had kids. Two under 5. We both work full time and juggling childcare with our work means we rarely have time for each other. It wasn't a great relationship before the kids but I think having them has hardened my view and although I should have left before having children that's too late now! Although I don't like having sex with him I feel like unless we make the effort to have some time together how can I say I have tried? But everything I suggest something that could give him time to himself (and make him less stressed and maybe enjoy what time we do spend together better) he rejects it and says there's no point. Equally every thing I suggest to shift the working patterns is always unworkable in his eyes so we end up barely seeing each other for days and then arguing on our days together.

I'd like to think that maybe we could separate but maybe buy a property for him together, getting a mortgage together. Does that sound crazy? Has anyone effectively stayed married for the finance but in all other ways been separated?

I know he's not happy but he is scared of change. He actually said to me during our last big discussion about our future that if this is as good as it gets (in a bad way!) Then that's fine with him.

Sorry that was epic! And it didn't even address the children. I am less worried on that score as I had parents who should have divorced much earlier than they eventually did, as I think amicably divorcing is the most important thing to do if at all possible.

I don't think I realised how pent up my feelings were. I've never been able to say it out loud to anyone as on the surface he's a great husband, great dad. And he really does try. Which is why it feels so bad to say I just don't want to live with you anymore. There is nothing you can do or change that will make me feel differently.

I think I will give it a few weeks after Christmas to see if I feel the same way and broach it with him.

People change and relationships change. Nothing remains the same for ever. Wouldn't life be boring if it did?!

Cheers.

Wow I can't believe this thread. I left my unsatisfying marriage a couple of years ago, didn't think it was very common to feel like that! Everyone seems to expect there to be a Big Bang firework at the end, not a damp, barely lightable puff of smoke instead.

@victoriaandbump I have left a marriage like you describe. Good friends and not much wrong other than I was totally unsatisfied and thought daily 'is this really my life?' It's awful to feel but that's the truth of it

@anna6567 I had doubts before the wedding. I had known really on and off for a couple of years beforehand but just told myself that people evolve and in the end I'd be left with a good guy.

Yeah Freko and the whole point of marriage is that you've made a commitment to choose that other person even when you both inevitably change, that's what it is. Go try couples counselling, make an effort in that direction, stop thinking that thinking about it counts as making an effort. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but it's the truth. If he won't talk, go counselling on your own, show him you're serious if he won't get serious and grow up.

There's always one isn't there Jess. Maybe read this thread properly before you start talking about trying harder to people who've tried all that and more and still find it unbelievably hard.

Have been watching this thread for ages but only now feel I want to add to it.
I'm 44
Been with husband for 22 years married for 16, 2 dc.
He's my best friend, my partner , the most hardworking reliable person I know.
We argue like any other couple but never hold grudges.
We haven't had sex for over 3 years (I don't want to) I feel no sexual or emotional connection to him at all which is weird because he's really handsome, it's basically like living with my best mate.
I'm a bit of a nag and I really wonder sometimes how he puts up with me, think we're just so used to rubbing along together but I know deep down that this can't continue, for his sake mainly, I want him to have a fulfilling relationship, not this what we have together.
I have barely eaten or slept for the last 3 weeks because I've done something really awful and it's not guilt I feel, in fact I think I feel awful because I don't feel any guilt.
Massive cliche but there's a guy in work who is 17 years younger than me and he's always bantering with me(3years) about how I'm sexy just daft comments really, I have honestly never ever took him seriously, he's the works joker, it's just what he does, he's in a stable "happy" relationship and is getting married next year. I've even told my dh about his daft banter and we've had a laugh about it.
Works Christmas do and after everyone's eaten he gets me alone at the table and starts going on about how it's inevitable we're going to fuck one day and he dreams about me etc.
I knew there and then that something was going to happen. We went into town with some others after the do and he was begging me to get a hotel room with him but I wouldn't, we went into a bar and a really strange feeling came over me and I started kissing him, of course it was amazingly hot. We left the others and went into a dark corner in another bar and basically kissed and groped each other til 5 in the morning then went home.
Everything's fine between us at work, I don't see him that often, he has said forget about it, years of suspense +alcohol +Xmas do= that night.
But I can't forget about it, don't get me wrong I don't yearn after him, I know he's a knobber but I can't forget the way he made me feel that night, pursued, attractive, sexy, wanted and I want to feel that again, not necessarily with him(but not sure I would refuse)
I've been so miserable and me and dh had an argument last week were I said we can't go on like this and I wanted to separate but he didn't take me seriously but I know in the new year we need to because it isn't fair on either of us, I can't stop thinking about that night and the way I felt, I'm such an idiot.

Sam's bakery I can relate to you. I was the same - husband(for a few years)and no sexual desire from my end (I thought it was the way I was) nothing off putting about him etc, just was grossed out by the thought of basically bonking my best friend. After a year or so I told him to go elsewhere for it, he went on a few hook up sites for married people but when he eventually took the plunge he cried for days. I cried with him. We tried a bit of an open relationship but he couldn't deal with me getting with people. I finally got with a guy who'd tried it on for a few years at Christmas work party and WOW I came alive again. It was like my sex drive had been let out of its box, and it's never got back in the box. I'm now a twice a day girl if I'm getting my way (more if possible). We split up and I found it incredible how high my sex drive still was (as it was when I met my husband).