Thread for those who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL, just unsatisfying (pt. II)

[All0vertheplace]

The last thread reached 1,000 posts (!) so here's where we can keep the discussion going. Cake and flowers to all.

I just can't stand him at the moment. Seriously. It's starting to verge on hatred.
Shouting at the kids, lazy. I really don't know what to do! What a state of affairs.

Just sliding in. Feel so meh about it and if I admit to anyone in real life I'll crack.
It's not bad and when we have family time. It's bloody lovely, but we've increasingly grown apart and I've had counselling for around 3 years to deal with childhood issues. It's made me so much stronger but made me realise although he can be fab, he can be vile and gaslight me too. Just not enough for it to be significant to leave (to anyone on the outside). I've been trying for 12 months, we discussed splitting last year and we've tried but my hearts not in it. However we have a three year old and im not sure I can just leave. It's like I'm waiting for a big argument to justify it. But when they happen I darent. Sorry for rambling.

Think you know when it's making you unhappy. You can't hide that from children, they are so good at picking up signs. I know what you mean about waiting for big argument.. But all time the hundreds of legitimate reasons for splitting are just under the surface, it's just hard to broach subject because we are used to trying to salvage the situation. But there comes a time when enough is enough, without much drama. I'm looking forward to times when I am happy with my Dds, without being irritable and stressed, and hopefully he will be happier too.

Well put Hurley.
I am exhausted. He cooked lovely grub last night. When I woke I was thinking - well I can't have the conversation with him so maybe I'll just text him "I want to try a trial separation in January".
And now I'm wavering again. My thoughts are driving me bonkers.

Anyone reading the Sexdeatheversary. This is me :(

I am swaying more and more to - it is over.

I have come to the conclusion that I don't actually like being married or really living with someone that much. I feel it's always me making compromises and feeling obliged to be around, sort all bills, do most of housework etc even when kids no longer an issue, maybe I would feel more ok with someone with lots of friends on tap and interests other than work . I know , I know, create a more fulfilling life off your own back some will say but it's difficult to say 'actually I'm going to be out quite a bit' without getting the 'why do you want to join that' etc!! Sometimes I feel I really would like to please myself etc

Same here esoteric. I'm so over the whole macho led world we live in where women do so much of the work, the glue, the drivers of society and get none of the respect and little money. My dad brought me up as equal to any man and able to go for whatever I wanted. I feel cheated that this isn't the world we live in but hugely thankful to him for that vision and soul.
Unfortunately my dm on the other hand has hugely let me down by not siding with me. I understand that life is not fair but it would be nice if she could this once have my back. She's always left me to be independent and to live my life without interference but I wish she would be interested to see why things are as they are for me not just how they appear on the surface.
I feel it's me and dcs against the world and I'm not sure that will be good for them. I want then to have the happy carefree childhood I had not one filled with broken relationships.

Hi everyone,

I've looked through a lot of pages on this thread but not all as there is a lot! I have posted on here before about my marriage. I try and make it work and feel I go round and round in circles. I feel like I'm losing the plot if I'm honest! We'll have times where I think yes I can make this work and times like now where I want him to piss off and not come back.

Is there any hope of ever salvaging a marriage where you cringe at the thought of him touching you. I think a lot of resent has built up over the years and if I'm honest I've had these feelings for as long as I can remember. I have 3 dcs and i'm just not sure where to go from here tbh. :-(

Dm86, it's amazing how long this thread is, a testimony for so many dissatisfied women! Like you I have 3 dds and they are why this marriage has made it this far. I used to believe in staying together for children's sake but not now..I fear they have seen an example of an indifferent at best marriage, unhappy and frustrated at worst...and now want to stop livinglije this. Having 2 happy (happier?) Parents must be preferable to 2 narky, resentful name calling ones! We have had the conversation, a few times actually as he goes into denial, thinking its going to blow over, we are separating in January, he has agreed to be one to move thus giving dds stability in their own home. Hopefully he won't now decide to change his mind, if he does I will get legal advice. You are right about the years of bloody resentment, all the 'small' incidents that said ' I don't give a shit about you, I will do it my way, I'm not willing to participate in this partnership' amount to a fecking mountain of reasons to divorce. The inability or unwillingness to read a meter, pay a bill, cut the grass, fix a plug, change a bulb, organise insurance/ passports/mortgages...Buy kids clothes or food! I detached from this marriage a few years back so I feel very calm and positive now, as its been thought about for years! Crunch came when he was expecting some action, despite hardly any conversation all week...I couldn't do it any more. The relief of stating my position, and where the boundary now lies now was so great..if you are at stage where intimacy actually upsets you its pretty far down the line, and very hard if not impossible to come back from..sending hugs, listen to your instincts.

Seriously, thank goodness for this thread. Although I have posted sporadically - it is all documented.

The stuff that I haven't posted:
That I have lost weight - a worrying amount. Unnoticed.
That my soul is dying. Unnoticed.
I have started confiding in many people. He doesn't have a clue what I am planning.
I have been called a butch lesbian, a fucking monster, a fucking bitch.
I am planning on a trial separation in January- he doesn't have a bloody clue. I am picking the moment to tell him.

Could really do with some hand-holding. Went to docs tonight and have a prescription for giving up cigs. Planning 27 Dec. I want my life to change for the better and to be able to give my kids a better chance.
They see no nurture, cuddles or encouragement.

In other posts - you only have one life...

Iron..it's good to confide in people, the more friends I tell the more it becomes real? I think it gets ping ponged around in your head for so long, it's good to just tell people irl what's happening, kind of confirmation? Good luck with smoking, new start.. Watch your food tho, keep yourself healthy remember the oxygen mask saying

DM I feel exactly like you.
Iron everything you said is true. I tried saying earlier in the year j was unhappy. He cried. I felt a bitch and we are back to being ok. But I'm not, I just don't fancy him. I (mostly) like him, I care for him as my dd father and someone I have spent 15 years with. But I'm different now. All those little things I ignored before or laughed off, actually I call him out (whilst thinking knob). I'm not sure I'll ever leave, but I'm not sure my plan of staying until my dd is older works any better either.
Handholding for everyone in the same boat. I hope no one thinks I'm a fraud for saying I might not leave.
I tried confiding in friends earlier in the year, the problem is they are joint friends and all said I was wrong, he's lovely, think of dd. It made me withdraw And not mention it again, but I feel like I'm going crazy. I have my counselling session on Friday so can't wait to get it all out at that point. Sorry. I'm rambling now.

Rat - not rambling at all. I think the middle of the night shouting at me was the straw that broke the camels back for me. I can't get over it and something that happened a few years ago which landed us in hospital on Christmas Day.
I have been trying to get on with it as best I can but I just can't put on a happy face anymore.. Can hardly initiate basic conversation with him. It's all very difficult :(

Hey there. Bloody sucks doesn't it all? I have been in tears so much about my solcitor's total lack of doing anything. Court stuff was supposed to be ready to go when I saw her last 7th Nov and can't get hold of her. made such a fuss today got someone who knows nothing about my case and sounded suspiciously junior. DH refuses to leave the house and is basically making my life a misery, including expecting me to still cook for him. He is refusing to engage and I happened to spot he has written Christmas cards from "us" to his family whn I was looking for my lobster hammer (long story)
I am dreading ther festive break as will have to see him for 3 weeks - haven't done that long since Sep and I just hide upstairs after our wee boy goes to bed

Arghhh like all of you i am going to find the festive break so difficult!! Everything's an unknown! What will his mood be like any given minute, nasty, sad, hurt, or fine, normal, nice?? He is so sad every night when we go to our separate rooms :( Does he think we're staying together or breaking up, or 50:50 either way? I just dont know whats going on. I'd love to 'make it work', he's my best friend - but like Rat and DM, what can/should you do when the desire to be physical with them has really and truly gone? Arghh.
And ive given up on confiding in friends. No one really cares. They say he's a great guy (absolutely true), youve got a great life (true except no sex, so looks great from the outside), think of your little DC. They say just re-light the spark, hire a babysitter, go on date nights. If it were that easy id have done it by now. None of them can understand what im feeling.

I'm with you Que, Dm, Rat, Iron. I've made plans to move out post Christmas which is a relief but it's also slow and scary. Dh continues to deny any things happening or discuss any practicalities. I feel like I'm at the doorway but unable to set out my landing and miserably alone in it all. I've told a few trusted friends and family but have decided to leave everyone else including dcs to within a week of moving. The strain now is unbelievable.
I'm worried about the backlash as it'll be a major shock to all and I'm expecting my Mum and his Mum to react badly and blame me. Que I've had all that friendly advice and I just think it's uncomfortable for friends esp joint friends.
Rat don't worry no judgements over decision to stay here. I've been complaint and considering options for three years.
My first conversation about splitting not in an argument was two years ago.
Dh says even now he'd go with no sex, separate rooms whatever from now on but not split. I just can't do it. I'll be friends with him, we've got kids, but this is no way to live out my days.

Shandy - well done! You are doing amazingly. I am hoping to follow. Keep posting.

Holidays are going to be a strain...I've been looking at property to rent for him..need to tell him how that's going, but he will go in strop (again going into denial..I'm hoping this will confirm it's happening). There's no way a 'date night ' can relight this spark! Friends are uncomfortable asked it can highlight their own problems I think, there's an element of jealousy when you decide to change your life..I believe a good few friends would like to do the same but won't take the chance...the thought of living in a dead or dying relationship for rest of my life, being a bloody housekeeper including having robot sex on demand?? I'll take my chances and finish it, my girls will have a happy mum and see how you should not settle for an unsatisfying relationship..I love this thread, it's honestly like therapy for me ladies!

Hurley - amazing post. This is exactly how I feel but unlike you I haven't asked him to move out in Jan yet. I'm not mentioning anything yet but it's very difficult as I am trying not to engage with him. I am acting like a Stepford Wife.
I met a gf for lunch and she was appalled at what I went through in Oct. it reconfirmed what I need to do.
Two last nights he has been pissed by the time I've got back not stumbling but merry, kids are on devices, it's no life for them.
I have my Mum and bro coming Sunday so will resume 'normality' and try to push full force to get Christmas done.

Is anyone not telling family and friends that they're separating until after the Christmas get togethers? I'm really struggling with it. We all get together over Christmas otherwise rarely and I thought it would be easier not to say until after as it will put a strain on everyone, but the strain on me and keeping it from people is quite unbearable too. Anyone else similar? Or how would you do it?

We've agreed not to tell the dcs until moving out is imminent so it would mean everyone keeping it quiet from the kids which if you think of a family get together is pretty nigh impossible.

I'm same, telling all in January, I'd like to have accommodation sorted (for him) then, don't want to ruin Xmas for family members (mostly his). Want to impress on them that it's our marriage that's over, I'm still mother of their grandchildren.. No time or energy for big dramas...but some folk love a drama! I think it will be case of goody v baddie. I will be the baddie.. Seen as destroying a family on a whim. They cannot imagine how long and hard this decision has been, but nothing can be done about how others react, just got to be confident I'm doing this for right reasons.. He has had chances and decided to not take them, or me seriously.

God, I'm terrified. Told him Friday morning on the way to work it's completely over. He's devastated. It's such bad timing. He's crying and saying that we've worked so hard to get in the position we are and its screwed him totally too (he's 54 and needs to try and get back on the properly ladder). I'm now doubting my own sanity. I feel such a heartless bitch. What if I'm making a huge mistake.

Things aren't great in my marriage. Three DC and two have autism. Dh very disconnected and does minimal to help when home and not massively invested in the kids so leaves it all to me. I'm tired. We have countless conversations where I ask for a bit more help. Cleaning the bathroom once in a while, taking an interest in the kids medical needs and their education and nothing happens. The icing on the cake was no birthday present and he took the kids out with him the day before and still didn't buy anything and eldest is eight and was upset. He doesn't iron or clean and I don't mind doing my bit as I'm a sahm but at the weekends help would be nice. He's also slightly controlling. Until recently he'd been moving the kids benefit money into an isa in his name only. I don't feel listened to at all. All he is interested in is sport so I feel we don't have much in common. He's never lived away from home and his mother did everything for him and defers to him (always ignores me to a huge extent). Talking hasn't worked and. He bitches that I'm not affectionate and loving to him but actually I can't be. He shouts at the kids and is generally moody, impatient and never wants to do much. I wanted a curry on my birthday but as it was a Sunday there was no point as it would just be reheated from the night before he said. But I'm scared as I have no money. He's the main wage earner and I think he'd be a bastard if I asked him to leave. I'm hoping he'll get sick of me and go.

Geez Ms that all sounds horrendous :( My heart goes out to you. Are there any good things? Please stay on this thread