Thread for those who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL, just unsatisfying (pt. II)

[All0vertheplace]

The last thread reached 1,000 posts (!) so here's where we can keep the discussion going. Cake and flowers to all.

Hi anyone out there? How is everyone?

I've just been reading through this thread and I am so thankful to have found it.

My situation is very similar to Half - with DP for 10 years, no DC and I'm 32 and also really keen for children but know it's not a good idea.

I've been unhappy for 6-7 months, seeing a counsellor together for the last 4 months but I feel increasingly that it's time to move on.

He's a nice guy, we have a lovely life but I just don't feel happy. I feel there's an intimacy, a connection that's missing. Like we could be friends/housemates and form a successful practical partnership but that's hardly what I want in a marriage. I'm increasingly irritated by things he does/says and this isn't fair on him really.

I'm scared that I leave and regret my choice and miss the chance to have children. But there is a chance I'll meet someone else in time to start a family.

Sending to you all in these confusing times

I'm dipping in and out of this thread, it's so reassuring that you're not only one in this situation. It helps to read others posts and know you're not actually going mad/ being unreasonable! It's a tough one though, I have had the conversation, several times as he's in denial.. January is when someone moves. 3 dds, all quite aware..I'm a great believer in being quite honest and unsensational, they know there's a problem and we are likely to split. Trying to have nice days all together to show it can be ok, we will just not be a couple and stay under same roof..is that logical?

Sounds very logical Hurley - I'm not in same position as don't have DCs but been together 10yrs so this is really taking a toll.

I am a child of divorced parents though and they made it easier by not dragging it out and arguing etc, just made the decision and have since managed to forge a reasonably decent relationship so we don't have to worry about inviting or or t'other as they can be in eachothers company without any issues

I think this is taking a toll on my mental health - I wake most days and think about what is best for me to do and how I've wasted so much time to build a life and will have to start again etc.

It's all consuming and makes me feel wretched about all aspects of my life. I'm down and envious as we reach the Xmas season of all those in happy relationships while I feel trapped and paralysed to act.

Sorry for the moan, just feeling down about everything today

Honesty it's fine to have a good moan! I think it's the in limbo situation that's really frustrating and depressing, have you spoken to him about it so far? The little irritating things become really big things..if chemistry is not there now, it probably won't ever be, please believe me when I say 32is so young.. You have time for family in future.. Hope day gets better

Yes I've spoken to him and we are attending counselling together but I just can't see a way of fixing things. I feel so lost and change my mind daily as to what the best course of action to take is.
One day I'm certain that it's best to split up and start over and the next I'm questioning myself and talking myself out of any decision I may have made.

My resources are so low now that I'm considering seeing my GP as I think I've gone past the point of normal sadness and am in dangerous territory for my mental health.

Honesty - if it's any consolation I change my mind daily, weekly. I resign myself to stay and then get fired up to make changes but I'm not strong enough mentally and rely on alcohol to zonk me in the evenings and to sleep which is not helping anyone but helps me to ignore my feelings and the argument going on in my brain or the fear of making the wrong decision.

Iron - the fear of making the wrong decision kills me too. It's paralysing.

Something just snapped in me over the summer - we were supposed to get married and it was like a switch flipped and I knew I couldn't do it.

Counsellor seems to think we have solid foundations to rebuild on but I feel it may be flogging a dead horse. The embarrassment of the cancelled wedding is hideous enough. I'm not sure there's any point in prolonging the inevitable yet I can't quite find the strength to cut loose.

Sorry to hear you are in a similar spot - how long have you been trying to decide whether to leave for?

I feel selfish to be so consumed as we don't have DC but I worry about missing the chance to have any if I leave

My stuff is all in the first thread I think. More complicated by having kids. I'm not just making a decision for me so seems a very selfish thing to do.
He is working tonight - very rare and the kids are chilled and I am eating a favourite meal - steak and chips. It's so peaceful. Reinforces everything I feel. Gah!

Hi Honesty,

Your situation sounds very similar to mine. It's just awful isn't it when you might be walking away from your chance to have a family!

I told DH I wanted to separate in September. We are currently going to counselling to see if things can be fixed. I think this is helpful in the decision making process as at least you know you've tried even if you can't figure things out. I feel like we made a bit of a breakthrough at the last session so there may be a chance we can pull through. We're still sleeping in separate rooms and not really spending time together though.

In the meantime, I've also found it helpful to prepare for Plan B and start looking for alternative living arrangements, opening my own bank account, applying for jobs etc. That way I'll be prepared if I need to be by myself.

It's all very confusing and completely consumes your brain. I honestly felt like I was going to have some sort of breakdown at one point but feeling better now. I don't think I can offer much advice other than give it your best shot to fix things so you won't regret leaving later on.

Take care xx

Hi HalfWay,

We are also seeing a counsellor but I'm starting to think the best way forward is to separate. I too have felt close to a breakdown at times over the last few months and am just exhausted now.

We also do not spend time together at the moment and are very emotionally distant.

I am feeling very unhappy in my life - all areas - and feel quite scared that I may make the wrong decision but I gave myself until the new year and promised myself if things aren't better that I would move out for a trial separation to get my head straight.

So I'm quite sure that's what I will end up doing. Very scary though and as he's a nice man I feel very selfish.

I think we are maybe good friends but the romantic side of our relationship isn't how it should be unfortunately. I'd rather have no children than have children with the wrong man so I need to remind myself of that. ( actually I'm not sure that statement is true - plenty people have children and then split with their partners but doesn't mean they can't co-parent well.)

See how I go round in circles! I'm truly a lost cause - from the outside my life looks close to perfect but inside I'm dying

I am sinking again.
Christmas is the time of year that reminds me of when my DP had a fit on Christmas am after breakfast in a hotel when I had a young toddler and was 4m pregnant. It was induced via self-medication of a prescription drug bought over the dark web. Then last Christmas he told me I was bipolar on Christmas Day. It where everything went wrong and when I started to think seriously that it wasn't working.

I cannot move on from these events.

There is no love, no sex, no cuddling - there would be if I initiated - but I am so done on that front. I ask myself what I am doing day to day. I feel it is all 'my' issue as he is happy.

I am really, really fed up.

Iron I feel for you. Things are crap and this time of year makes everything worse I think. Last Christmas I promised myself I would get myself out of this relationship if things weren't better. I am almost there but I just feel desperate that something will drag me back even now at the last minute.
Please try and get yourself out of your situation. It really sounds bad and drink only gives a temporary solution and then things are worse.
Keep talking and making little steps. Take care. Thinking of you.

Shandy - you were in my mind when I typed this - had just got home from work.

I just can't do it anymore - but I don't know what to do! Divorce for Christmas? Nice!

Yes Iron why not. It can't be any worse than some of the previous Christmases and if you get through it there's always Bixing Day or New Year. Come on you can do it if I can. Xx

Shandy - I have sent you a PM

Another argument. Not sure I will make it to Christmas!!

How is everyone?

Iron i am doubting we'll make it to xmas either!! DH is so down, depressed, moody, gloomy. It's killing me. I still love him but not in the right way, i cant bear hurting such a wonderful man, but staying put isnt right for him either. So confused. Our counsellor can see the love and caring we have for each other and takes that as a sign of hope that we can build on; but i dont feel that its possible. I thought we could at least make it through the holiday season before making any decisions. But this limbo is getting impossible for both of us. Any misunderstanding or disagreement becomes awful, he broods and makes my life grim. I know many of you are in similar situations, so glad we can support each other here.

Sorry guys, I've been trying, really trying with my marriage and so stepped away for a while. Things were getting better but I came back down with a crash this morning when I realised 'D'H always has and always will be my third child. And I realised that, for the most part, I'm the only one who's really been trying. He'll tick the odd box (ask a 'meaninfgul' question to show he cares a jot about me and what makes me tick) and thenjust settle back into old PA lazy routines. Everyone around us also seems to think a magic wand has been waved and that all is right with our world again.

I feel completely done in. I was so willing to try and thought there was a chink of hope for relative contentment, at least until the DCs grow up. Now I'm back to looking at Rightmove and yearning for the support of you ladies who know exactly how I feel. And yearning for freedom from this dreadful sham of a relationship that I would've run SCREAMING from years ago if it weren't for the children.

Que we have the same with our counsellor. Because we're not ripping each others' throats out, naturally we can build a mutually fulfilling marriage?! Frustrating beyond belief.

Sorry Que and Lost. I can identify with both accounts.
He sent me this via text
"I have no idea why you've been so moody this week."
Went to concert this afternoon and everything fine
No "sorry I was vile and you had to sleep on the sofa". He thinks this is all me and that is that.

Sounds familiar. After years of warnings about growing apart and pleading to try to fix things...now the impending separation is a knee here reaction by me, not thought thru or considered. Fucking hell he's been warned about it for years. They don't listen, cos we are just 'nagging'. More fool them

I'm so with you Hurley. I get this all the time, even as I'm making my move to move out its so demeaning not to be heard despite you saying it over and over dh acts like its the first time he's heard me say I'm going as if what I said before was just me making noise.
But enough is enough I can't wait even if I'm sitting on a box and sleeping on a blanket

I know, it's the shocked and confused act that annoys me. I have had so many serious conversations thru the years..telling him this cld happen. It's like I was speaking another language! I agree, I'm not worried about what's coming as I know it will be am improvement on what myself and 3dds are living in now...we will be happy! Looking at property for him to rent. Makes it real and actually a bit exciting..