Thread for those who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL, just unsatisfying (pt. II)

[All0vertheplace]

The last thread reached 1,000 posts (!) so here's where we can keep the discussion going. Cake and flowers to all.

Thanks que. You'll get through these upcoming things, just put your brave face on and soldier onwards. In a way, I think it's good to have a busy calendar as it keeps things charging ahead, much more so than no plans would. Throw yourself into it and focus on what could come after.

We've found a good counsellor and we've committed to exploring everythig in the coming months to see if there's anything that can be salvaged. I still feel like a split is inevitable, but this is the first time (and it's down to the amazing counsellor) that I feel like trying something other than walking away. I want to learn about myself and why this is happening so that, if we do split, I never, ever repeat this.

Lego - I totally sympathise. It's so hard to know when to have the talk. I wasn't ready at first and found it hugely helpful to build myself up. Do what you can to focus on friends, family and hobbies - basically anything outside of the marriage so that you're getting a support network in place for when the time is right. I found it lessened the blow as I had already checked out a bit and had more independence.

Lost - I hope you're holding up ok. I remember feeling exactly the same after The Conversation but now I'm in the limbo phase, I definitely have more glimpses of positivity. The counselling will help as at least you'll know that you tried everything. Even though I can't make any big decisions just yet, I've found it helpful to do some small practical steps to make myself feel stronger in case I end up by myself e.g. opening my own bank account (everything joint at the mo) and having a big clear out of clothes, stuff etc. Listening to cheesy songs about women being strong is also helpful lol!

My husband has gone away with work until the weekend. He left in a mood after the last counselling session didn't go his way and I haven't really heard from him since. Gonna have another chat with him when he gets back as it feels like he might have given up trying. It sounds bad but at least that will help me feel more sure about my decision.

Big hugs to everyone! These are bad times but hopefully the start of a brighter future for us all xx

Blue your oxygen mask theory is spot on.

Lost how are you today?

Half the limbo stage is awful but like you I feel better when I'm active & doing things.

I had an awful evening last night with him going over & over the same old stuff, instead of going forward, he will not do anything. He is still saying he won't move out & wont make any decisions until January. He is playing the victim, I've destroyed him he says, he refuses to move to sit in a flat on his own. I told him he slowly destroyed me over the years & I gave him chance after chance & he did nothing and now he is being the victim as I've found strength to find happiness. He even said he wanted revenge. I told him if he does not move out in January I have no option but to get a solicitor involved or court and will have to force sale of house. I said by not moving out the kids will have to move home where as they could easily stay here with me for say 3 years and then sell so less disruptive. My area is expensive and so as in Scotland it would be 50:50 I'd have to get a 3 bed elsewhere away from school, he would only need 2 beds as he could sleep on sofa bed when they came to his to stay. I think he is being selfish through bitterness. But I can't make him leave. Sigh.

Crikey Hot that really is a tough scenario. And revenge? What does that even mean?

Do you have some RL support to help get you through this stage?

He wants to make me suffer for daring to leave him so his revenge is to make this awful for me. I think?

Yes have real life support, thank goodness or Id have fallen apart.

I have the horrible thing of knowing DH had an affair 11 years ago for around 10 months (EA or moreIm not sure) I also knew the person, he wouldnt admit to it at the time , just "overtexting" and I had a 7 year old to thing about , but since then I discovered songs that were clearly written to her, (she was only 21 too, he was in his 40's) I decided mentally to stay put till son was 18 and not bring these songs up--so he doesnt know that "I know" . . Now son is 18 and has left home and we have had another episode of "overtexting" with a colleague this summer which he says is all totally innocent (to be fair she overtexts me too but not nearly as much as him. Problem is I cannot get the deception from 11 years ago out my head, especially when i know what he told me was poppycock and hence it makes me distrustful of current situation. . Like many on here I dont have an "awful" marriage by any means, just one where I no longer feel 100% right and cant convince myself to "feel it" sexually/emotionally. Problem for me is if I leave it also effectively loses me my job as we work together.

Ugh I'm okay. Counselling all set up but in my heart I don't think it's going to work. Got to try though, eh?

Hot so sorry to hear things are so hard for you with stbx. Really hope you can get him out ASAP and start getting on with the rest of your life.

User I guess there's always a way out if you want it enough but does sound like it'd be a struggle for you. Sounds like a miserable situation though.

How is everyone doing? My parents' crusade of judgement continues, with my mother telling me I don't care about the kids and that I should forget about my happiness until they've flown the nest. Thanks for that.

Counselling starts in earnest this week. We have a joint session then will have solo sessions. Think i can be a bit more honest in the latter. worried that I'll get bullied into saying things I don't mean in the former.

Hope you're all doing okay, this miserable weather doesn't help

Haha - talk about pathetic fallacy.

Sorry to hear about the lack of support from your parents. Don't they see that the toxicity of a dead relationship will have a huge impact on your DCs?

Good that you're being positive about counselling.

I started another thread last week to ask for a neutralish perspective on whether or not to pursue counselling - it's here if you didn't see it.

It's a bit of a wake-up call really - but also confirms that I'm making the right move. That said, things continue to be difficult at home with OH persisting with the 'let's do counselling' thing - one counsellor has now said talk to Relate not me, and I'm waiting to hear back from Relate about when they're open as I need to speak on the phone and can't do that at home or at work as I get literally no privacy.

That said, seeing a good house tomorrow, so have got my fingers crossed.

Blue I have a sneaking suspicion that they see a LOT of their own relationship/situation in my issues. And by even suggesting that they'd support me in a split, they'd be suggesting that they should've done the same many years ago. I am seeing them in a new - not particularly flattering - light at the moment and it's incredibly saddening. Especially as they have done some pretty reprehensible things in their pasts! For which I've never judged them, despite being put in a lot of awkward positions, but I'm started to wonder why I bothered being so accepting.

I didn't see your thread, hopping off to have a look now. Fingers tightly crossed for the house tomorrow. Keep us posted.

Sorry to hear about your parents Lost. I think you've hit the nail on the head - people react like this when they have the same problems in their own marriage. You are threatening their sense of security because you're willing to do something about it. I don't get the idea that marriage is just a bit shit and we're all meant to put up with it! Yes, there are ups and downs but the good has to outweigh the bad.

I'm struggling over here. Had a nice few days without DH here, was feeling positive and enjoyed my time alone. He got back and seems to have forgotten the stinking mood he was in when he left and is being nice as pie again. He wants to make plans for Christmas and is being really helpful around the house etc. I can't stand the guilt and confusion, it's so overwhelming that I just want to get out of the house all the time.

My parents were very supportive at first but my mum has been texting me today to say that she doesn't want me to miss out on my chance to have a family so maybe I should just get on with it! Not helpful when I'm already agonising over this decision.

On a positive note, I've got a job interview next week. It feels like an awful time to be changing jobs as my head isn't in work at the moment but it would be better pay which will be helpful in the event of a split.

Hope everyone else is holding up ok xx

Thanks Half, I am so disappointed in them but I know that has to go to the back of the line when I've so much else to think/worry/panic about.

Sorry to hear you're struggling, and that H (stbx?) is doing the husband of the year act. I guess you suspect he can't sustain it and it probably wouldn't make much difference if he could, I feel the same.

'Agonising' is the word. If we put our needs and happiness at the bottom of the pile (as all good housewives should, according to my parents!) then the answer is simple. Which is why we swing so wildly between decisions Every Damn Day.

I am exhausted.

Huge amounts of luck coming your way for the job interview

Ugh Lost that explains so much about your parents. So sorry that you're now seeing through the veil. It does explain a lot, but doesn't excuse it at all - i'm still sad for you that you can't elicit more support from them.

Do you have other friends IRL who can give you some of that support?

Halfway that sounds so familiar - the happy families act. It's torture. Mine is doing similar, making plans etc.

Exciting news about the job interview though - would that have an impact on where you'd need to live if you got it etc?

Good luck with the job interview.

Lost sorry about your parents. Keep being strong & do what's right for YOU. I'm exhausted with it all too.

Had an awful weekend but he has finally agreed again to move out come January. I have therefore found an online company that will draw up a separation agreement for £200! So that's the plan. I've also applied for tax credits as apparently I can apply now as we living separate lives albeit in the same house!

House update - it was ok. Plenty big enough for me and small, although short on storage space, with no loft etc.

Positives - in school catchment area, round corner from current house so no blockage to seeing his dad, has superfast broadband, would have to get rid of a lot of crap, and price is low enough to afford a medium term storage solution.

Downsides, it is small, has downstairs bathroom, no back yard space (just a back passage).

But a very definite maybe.

How is everyone? Will write a proper post shortly - just wanted to quickly comment on how i didnt expect the limbo to last so long, or feel like its lasting so long - i must have thought that we would have The Conversation, then further discussions, some counselling and then a decision would be clear. Conversation was about 3 months ago. I guess thats not long!! But it feels long. Counselling will go well into new year. Only one session between now and then due to holidays. Whilst the limbo is ok in that its just a continuation of what life was like before, it feels like our lives are on hold.

Im a bit further forward again, he has changed his mind again & will move out. So I've said January, I've applied for tax credits as it takes so long to process & Ive paid & instructed a solicitor to draw up a draft separation agreement. Want that done asap so he can't change his mind again.

Hello everyone. My first post here but I have dipped in lurkily many times. I am two years on from the crisis months that culminated in telling ex we had to separate after many of the feelings and situations you have all recounted. I wanted to post to give you hope and confidence because for me it has worked out for the best, and for ex even though he didn't imagine it at the time.

We both have new partners and settled homes and DD age 7 trucks between us doing the best she can. She is overall happy and stable, she has anxieties but nothing beyond what's to be expected. Just as I painfully miss her often (something I underestimated when separating but I do remind myself that I could not have chosen to stay in the relationship whatever the consequences).

Find strength where you can, focus on the positives, you must go forward as this is IT, one life for all of us.

Blue - good work on the house. Sounds like things are moving in the right direction which is awesome.

Que - I completely hear you about the limbo stage. I also thought we would have The Conversation, then a few more conversations to figure things out and move on. Like you, I'm three months on and still stuck in this awful half-in/half-out phase. It doesn't help that Christmas is around the corner as I want to start the new year with some direction in my life!

Mizuna - thank you for sharing your story. It's so refreshing to hear from someone who's made it to the other side. Glad things worked out for you.

Still plodding along over here. Things have been up and down as DH goes from being angry and frustrated to doing the husband of the year act. We've got another counselling session on Monday so will see how that goes. The longer the limbo goes on, the more sure I'm feeling about us separating. Still can't help feeling desperately sad at times and wishing things would have turned out differently.

I don't know about anyone else, but I feel totally exhausted. I can't concentrate on anything and have no motivation. This is literally the most mentally draining thing I've ever gone through. Does anybody else feel the same?

Lost please don't let your parents get you down. Sounds like theyve got their own issues that may be clouding their judgement. The Philip Larkin poem 'They F You Up' seems appropriate here. Trust yourself, trust your gut. It's your life not theirs. You don't need their approval - by which i mean you don't need to please them. If you act so as to please them, but you are left unhappy, how is that beneficial to you? I'm in the unfortunate position of having no real relationship with my parents, so i would never discuss any of this with them - but i now see an upside in that i don't care what their opinions would be and wouldnt be affected by them!

Hot it sounds like things are moving, like progress is being made, if he's agreed to move out? How do you feel?

Blue the house sounds alright? Are you still looking? Glad youre making progress.

Half i can totally relate to your confusion and guilt! I hsve that every second of every day. How are we supposed to deal with it??
And the limbo phase is killing me too. I suppose i should have anticipated it, and i suppose its nevessary. But its damn hard :(
DH and i are both exhsusted by all this too!! Counselling is tough but illuminating. We've both lost our concentration too, with injuries resulting.
I would never give advice to anyone, but with regard to your parents saying get on with having a family - all i can say from my own experience is that having a child puts a million times more stress on a relationship than pre-children. There's the trying, it doesnt always happen straightaway, youve got to be strong enough for months of not getting pregnant, possible miscarriages etc, pregnancy complications, pregnancy itself, The Birth can be very traumatic, the early days/months of a new baby bring unimaginable challenges, a million stresses i wont even mention, raising a toddler stretches ones patience beyond belief, the challenge of work/life/family/money/self/relationship is insane, and it goes on from there. Having a strong relationship from the beginning, an 'us against the world' mentality, helps but even then is no guarantee. But without it, i would imagine that bringing children into the world seriously risks breaking something fragile to begin with.

Mizuna thanks so much for sharing your inspirational story. We all need to hear it. I'm happy for you and your ex that youve come out the other side with new lived. And happy that your DD is ok. I cant bear the thought of being apart from my DD but i will just have to deal with it :(
Do you have any advice, as someone who has been through tjis, for any of the rest of us who are still in the early stages?

I don't know what advice to give as I didn't behave as well as I would like a lot of the time. Things that helped me were talking to close friends, to have people listen not advise, and I still regularly vent about my frustrations to some as it's taking me a while to let go of DD to ex and his wife.

So some advice is to disengage from ex as soon and as thoroughly as possible. Make a contact timetable and propose it, suggest more time with you than you think you'll end up with so you can negotiate. Communicate by email regularly to sort this out and if you can agree a written parenting plan (google will help you find templates) that helps a lot with ground rules (ex never signed off on ours as his vision of family life wasn't in there I.e. SM caring for DD at times when I could, but we will revisit it).

The thing that helped me most in the thick of the separation was a mantra another separated friend told me, "trust the journey". I interpreted this as, use and hone my instincts, something I hadn't done for years as I was in denial about how bad my relationship was. It helped me keep going forward, keep making decisions, even if I wasn't sure of the outcome. If you feel your life has to change then you must not be frozen in indecision.

I found the final few months living with ex the worst, we shared our house for a year after I dropped the bomb of saying relationship was definitely over. Really hard being around him but now I am glad I stuck it out as DD kept the one home she always had, alongside ex's new one.

Happy Monday to all :)

Thanks so much for sharing your story Mizuna - and I totally agree with that mantra. It is a journey - it's not just about the destination. If you ahve a choice of riding in a carriage when you can see out the window, enjoy the view, and be peaceful and happy, why would you choose to stay locked in the mail carriage?

As for me - told my mum the emerging plan this weekend and' after a polite 'oh?', she was practically turning cartwheels and saying I'm so proud of you - she said she's seen me repeating the pattern of her and my dad for years but knew that i needed to see it for myself. My sisters and her are now on board, which is good as they can help with DS when it comes to moving, and can also help with furniture in the short term.

Two more houses have become available, so I'm trying to arrange viewings ASAP. Still haven't spelled the situation out to OH yet. Don't know when to pull that trigger.

Well done you Blue. That's huge. I've told my sis but have yet to tell my Mum. I keep chickening out. The house choice I'm really pleased with and am getting excited and nervous about setting up home again.
I'm disappointed that unlike you Mizuna I'll need to move my dcs from their home but think it's for the best. I can't live next to mil and dh would never pull his finger out and move or even start on making a house a home. I'm even thinking I can't take stuff from here because he won't replace things and leave it bare.
Mind you I'm only bothered for the dcs. He has been his usual unfeeling, totally selfish self, particularly this weekend when me and dcs were ill. He returns from a night away and barely raised a finger to help or an eyebrow of concern. And then to make it worse my dc of 9 said 'mum he probably doesn't want to catch our germs!'
Lovely to have a compassionate dc but should this ever be uttered by a child about their father. It made me even sicker.
That and being passed over again for extra work today when I am shouting for it.
But what's keeping me going is the thought that one more holiday season and then I'll be out of here and free. Just need some more income.

Hi all. Have been dipping in and out. Have been keeping myself occupied and trying not to argue. Days go by. We live as we live.

But Christmas is far approaching - nearly a year since things went array.

Hope you're all good

Hi Iron Hugs and handholds. It sounds like it's been a rough time. Have you any plans or are you resigned for now. I'm hoping I'm on my last but hardest foray for our last Christmas and then I'll be out of here. Had a good few days and then a bad night tonight where I'm so wound up by ignoring, gas lighting, downright annoying dh I could burst. And I hate it that he sits there all smug loving that I am losing my cool and he gets the upper hand without responding an inch.
Grrrr