Thread for those who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL, just unsatisfying (pt. II)

[All0vertheplace]

The last thread reached 1,000 posts (!) so here's where we can keep the discussion going. Cake and flowers to all.

And that must be so uncomfortable Hot. I feel like my parents prefer DH sometimes so I wouldn't be surprised if the same thing happened here! Glad to hear you have good RL support.

Hi all. Guess what I've managed to secure a house and told dh/stbxh.
It was really nerve racking and I was told again that this would kill him and dcs. But I held my nerve this time and said it was killing me to stay as we are in limbo and effectively separate for the last few years and that dcs would just adapt and be ok. Of course I had the oh you've got it all worked out and then the you're making out its going to be easy. To which I said no but it's not impossible as he's been saying.
I was thinking to leave after Christnas, dh I isn't sure we should wait and doesn't see that we should wait. I know these next few weeks are going to be hellish hard not least because it won't be open knowledge.
Lost I feel for you. I'm sure I'll get enormous backlash from family as they all adore dh. I also think he will lay all the guilt on me to family, dcs, friends.
Hot nice to hear from you and Que. financial stuff is hellish too, I'm going to have several of those. I'll need to look for more work hours.
Capricorn hi. There's a lot to catch up on.

I'm so glad I found this thread, wish I had found it before I started my own 'journey' towards separation. Thanks to everyone for sharing and I'm sorry you're all in this horrible situation. It's so reassuring to know there are others out there who know exactly what it feels like.

I'll try and keep this as brief and possible, here's where I'm up to:

Been with DH for 10 years, married for 3. We don't have any kids but I would love to have a family. At 33, I have to accept that if I leave it probably won't happen for me :-(

DH is a decent guy really but I've been miserable for the last two years. He's so wrapped up in his work and hobbies etc. that I've felt so lonely. We don't work well as a team (everything is on his terms!) and have basically grown apart. He also gets super stressed and angry, not at me per se, but about stupid stuff that doesn't really matter.

I started thinking about leaving earlier this year so started to build myself up and gather strength - have got a good social life going and have kept myself busy. Also tried to be super independent and not rely on him for anything. Sad thing is he probably thought that was great as he didn't have to do anything!

Had The Conversation in early Sept. He was devastated and convinced me to give things another try and go to councilling. I've been having some major doubts/wobbles about my decision since then. He started acting like husband of the year and I felt like things were improving and there was a chance for us.

Went to the last session a few days ago and all he wanted to talk about was how things were fixed so we can move on. The councillor (and me) disagreed and wanted to talk about the issues still. He got super annoyed about the whole thing and went in a massive sulk afterwards and we've hardly spoken since.

We've been sleeping in separate rooms and pretty much leading separate lives since The Conversation. I feel like I'm stuck in a horrible cycle of going between the following feelings:

a.) feeling strong, independent and positive about the future
b.) feeling terrified that I'll miss him and am making a huge mistake
c.) feeling terrified that I'll wake up childless at 40 and regret walking away from my chance to have a family
d.) feeling unbelievable guilt towards him and wanting to fix things to make it go away
e.) feeling unbelievably sad about the whole thing and how I've failed at marriage after only 3 years

It's such a rollercoaster and I can't see a way forward right now!

Sorry for the MASSIVE message. Just had to get it out there. Thanks to anyone who made it all the way through xx

Just wanted to add that I spent a lot of time trying to fix things before getting to breaking point. I didn't take my marriage vows lightly but can't carry on when I'm the only one making an effort and sacrificing myself to keep things going :-(

Halfwayout. I feel for you. Your post and dh and feelings are very similar to mine although I've got 3dcs. It's sounds like you've truly tried and agonised over this decision. Don't stay because of feelings of guilt. I tried counselling and that's what struck me was that dh got through the first session said sorry to me and was so chuffed as he felt ticked box, all done, problem fixed. There was no reflection no serious look at behaviours and lifestyle changes. I'm now some months later and am making plans to leave in the New Year and he's only now saying he can change but then says he has tried.
At 33 you haven't forfeited a family although I know I felt like that at your age. Many people leave a ltr which they have persevered with forever to find the man of their dreams quickly. Now obviously there's no guarantees but I guarantee you staying with dh and having children with him will place enormous strain on your already fragile marriage.
Your dh needs to consider if his stress is from work and do something about it, change work patterns, change job, but it's not something you can do for him.
It's interesting that my dh has always complained about the stress of his job and I've always said I'd support him to change jobs, retrain, whatever, that life is too short to be miserable in work, but he's never contemplated it until now as we're splitting. I hope it's not done to spite me so that he has no money for child maintenance. Maybe he will do something else, maybe he won't, it's too late for us now, but I still hope finds happiness and it's not a spiteful thing that will make him more depressed as he is really low and forlorn now. It's making me feel really bad, but I've thought hard and thought I've also been struggling for years and he never gave me the time of day and just ignored my feelings all this time. I'll be happy now with a bit of peace, although there's a lot of stress to get through first. Good luck Halfway.
I meant to say Lost your counsellor sounds like these squeezing you for lots of costly sessions. It doesn't seem right that she:he says avoid the big issues for now, what's the point in that? Did you agree objectives? I guess if you can pay there may be a logic to it, but I wouldn't concerned that you're skirting around your issues.
Sorry for long post as well.

shandy that's amazing, well done you. Thanks for your kind words. I'm really struggling with my parents opinions. I have told them I don't want to see them for a little while, that H and I need to deal with this together without outside influence. we have sacked off our counsellor and found a new one. Much more pragmatic I hope. I felt ready to go in there and say that H and I can't see a happy way forward togetehr, but must admit that my parents message has thrown me massively.

Halfway feeling for you on this rollercoaster, it's amazing how a mind can be changed so many times in one day. It's exhausting and creates awful anxiety. I know you say you are 33 (and I don't know your situation) but the possibilities are so much wider these days. As shandy says, leaving when kids are in the fray is so hard. You could make the brave move now and be madly in love within a year. You might not be, but isn't it better to live an honest life? And you haven't failed. You are just running out of steam on this, and everyone has a breaking point. Especially when they're the only one really trying.

Thank you so much for your replies ladies. It really is a comfort to hear from others going through the same thing.

Shandy - good for you that you're close to a resolution. I bet it will feel amazing to get in your own place and away from the awful limbo. I've also tried to help my husband with his stress but nothing seems to work. He seemed to really work on it after the first couple of counselling sessions but started to slip back into his old ways. I think his mostly stems from being self employed and never switching off from work. He also gets annoyed when anything inconveniences him (traffic, queues, waiting for people etc.) and it's so draining. Like you, I hope he can figure things out and be happy.

Lost - I honestly can't believe how changeable my mind is. One minute I think I've made a solid decision and the next it's flipped round again. I keep wishing for a sign or something to show me the way forward. I think that's the problem we're all in - we're not being abused and things aren't all terrible. There's still some good stuff in these marriages but they just aren't great either. So hard to know what to do. At least I've got the ball rolling so things will figure out one way or another. Just hope I'm not stuck in this limbo phase for too long.

For those of you with kids, did things get better or worse after you had them? I'm trying to put the kids thing to the back of my mind so I can just focus on the present situation. Curious to hear peoples thoughts though as everyone seems to say it makes things much harder.

Halfway exactly. I wish H or I would fuck up irreversibly to make the decision for us. I dreamt last night that I killed myself by driving off a bridge. I'm getting a bit worried for my mental health.

I can't really comment on the kids thing because we rushed into it. But I will say this: if you're going to get through the early years with DCs, you need some pretty strong foundations. No one's an angel all the time, but you have to have a solid relationship before throwing all the things that babies bring into the fray. I wish I'd dated my H for longer before getting pregnant. I know we would have split up. But then I wouldn't have the DCs...

Having kids undeniably highlights and accentuates any differences you may have pushed aside. It definitely brought out the worst aspects of us both. Although we love them.ti pieces. Halfway do NOT have kids with this man. Wish i could have told my 32 year old self the same thing but then again as you say lost I wouldnt have kids.

Have to agree wholeheartedly with Lost on that Halfway - kids will not strengthen a dicey relationship. Trust me.

Lost I can't believe your parents' stance - that seems unbelievably hard. I haven't yet told my family but know that they will back me up. (Well, I'm assuming so)

Great news on the house shandy - agree that the before/after christmas thing is a minefield. I was thinking before Christmas for me, but now think maybe one last christmas for DS's sake, but to get a place before then to use my week off to start acquiring furniture and utilities etc (not that I've got a house yet).

As for me, well, this morning OH has started talking about counselling. I can't bear the thought - I don't want to try. I don't want to drag out the inevitable. Also, he's got jury service coming up so therefore can't start anything before christmas. I don't want this hanging over me for however long - he said this morning 'what's 6 months, a year' and nearly cried there and then.

But to refuse is unreasonable I guess. What do you think?

Yeah i guess there's a reason why 'band aid baby' is a cliche (at least in the States!). I feel your pain Halfway but agree with Barn that you mustn't bring babies into this if you're struggling - not so much for them, but for you.

It will complicate things beyond belief and land you in even deeper emotional turmoil than you're in right now. Because for now at least, you just have to think about yourself and what is best for you.

The potential breakdown of a marriage is a horrible, heart-breaking position to be in, whatever your situation. But at least you only have to think about two adult hearts, and not tiny innocent ones that you love so much it hurts.

Blue it is breaking me into pieces. I am trying not to listen, but I am utterly shocked that my happiness plus mental and physical health mean nothing to them. They have made a very big mistake.

Tricky one on the counselling. Unless you say to him you will go together but be totally honest and say it feels too late for you, then the counsellor can help you both explore that statement together and what it means. It's costly, too - worth considering. As wise people have said to me, counselling will only save your marriage if you both want it saved.

Your gut is telling you all you need to know, I suspect.

Thanks everyone. I know I can't bring kids into this relationship as it stands so good to have that reaffirmed.

Lost - I hope you're looking after yourself and your health. I know what you mean about wanting something bad to happen to take the decision out of your hands.

Blue - I was very reluctant to go to counselling too but I have found it helpful to make sense of everything, even though it's probably not going to fix anything. Could you go under the guise that it will help you understand why things have ended rather than to try and work on the marriage? Our counsellor talked about how men and women communicate differently and how that can form bad patterns in relationships. It made a lot of sense to me and I have learned a lot of things to look out for in any future relationships so I don't end up back in the same situation.

So much here that sounds so familiar. DH is the same in that he can have an awful temper – not with me or DC but about stupid things like traffic or technology. Rants and swears and it's utterly awful, but he doesn't see the problem with it. It's fairly rare, thankfully, but it's got to the point that if something goes wrong, I'm worried more about his reaction to it than the thing itself.

Combined with lack of sex (from his side, apparently it's completely usual for men in their late thirties to be completely done with sex and only be interested a couple of times a year) and more recently a total lack of affection on both sides and there's nothing left. I've asked him to go to counselling several times and he's refused.

Despite all that I still think he'll be utterly shocked at The Conversation. Financially we couldn't afford to separate for several months, every day I swing between wanting to talk now and thinking it will be better to wait until we can actually do something.

Hi Lego - i too wanted to wait until some things were wrapped up (home renos) to have the conversation - but i just couldnt keep a lid on it, it burst out of me! I sort of wish i could have waited; but then i was glad that it was out in the open and the next chapter began - discussing the issues, counselling etc.

Re counselling - i do find it useful, we have been exploring our upbringings, childhoods, parents etc, and it really is throwing up some realisations that we could never have uncovered ourselves, about learned behaviour, patterns of behaviour etc. This will all be useful even if we separate.

It is frustrating that our counsellor has asked us to put everything 'on hold', and i dont know for how long, at least a couple of months i would guess. But i trust her and like her, and i dont think shes just trying to get more money out of us. She asks great questions and offers insightful observations. I am basically surrendering myself to the process, in hopes that it can perform a miracle. If it doesnt, we'll at least have learned a lot about ourselves and our relationship, and been able to discuss difficult issues with an impartial referee to keep things fair, and we'll know we gave it our best shot and tried everything we could.

Half i think our experiences of counselling are similar

We have tonight agreed to separate. I feel numb, my heart keeps doing strange palpitations. I feel none of the relief and freedom I thought I'd feel. I don't know what's what any more, and I don't feel strong enough to identify whether this is a good thing. I don't know anything.

Oh Lost oh oh oh - that is so brave of you - you must feel so chaotic and numb at the same time - just stay strong, take it minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day - we are all here for you xxx

Lost I'm sending you big hugs. 4 months post conversation and I felt numb for a long time. Occasional euphoria and sadness. But the relief of leading a more honest life i.w. being true to yourself. We're all here in solidarity and support. X

Lost we are here for you, you are very brave, you know deep down it's right. A day at a time right now. This is your second chance at happiness. Hugs xx

Well it's taken me until now to catch up on the last week's posts! Thank God for this thread.

lost Sending you lots of hugs and strength, brave girl. I need to write my full back story here so as not to drip feed but I actually did split up from DH once before a few years ago, and although we couldn't get on for 5 mins at the time and both wanted a separation, on the night we sat down and agreed it was over - I was devastated. As you said, I felt none of the peace and freedom I thought I'd feel, just panic, paranoia over whether I'd made a huge mistake (even though I KNEW deep down I hadn't), worry over where he'd go and how he was and what everyone else would say and think when they found out. It's terrifying and that was without kids. The money, the logistics, the potential loneliness.... it's a world away from how you think it's going to be and not the same freedom you feel when you have the house to yourself for a night or two. BUT! You will be ok. And I'm proof that getting back together is so often the wrong thing to do.

Keep drinking plenty fluids and try to eat something. Remember that, even though you want this, it is a grieving process and you shouldn't try to stop that. Bawl your head off and come vent and rant here

Hi everyone else and have a lovely day. Off to get DS ready for school while that knob snores his head off upstairs I intend to have a good rant on here with my full story tonight. I'm so busy trying to earn some money for christmas that I think we overlook how we feel and I get these slots in the day occasionally where my head's so crowded with worries and things to do, that I could easily pay to sit and stare at a blank wall to just let my brain process these thoughts.

Halfway thanks for your kind words. Struggling to eat and sleep but woke this morning feeling a little bit better.

Lego glad you've found a place where you can confirm you're not alone! So many of us going through similar stuff that it's staggering. The common thread is - when is it enough to leave? When in truth, if we're consistently looking for reasons to leave (rather than experiencing a 'blip'), that's enough in itself.

Que barn Hot capricorn thank you so much for your wonderful support. I woke feeling a bit more positive but also was up in the night panicking about the girls. Long story short but it would make financial sense for H to stay here for the next few years. So I would move out (which I kind of want - I don't want to stay here) which would make me NRP which scares the hell out of me. I'm going to talk to him about the possibility of staying here for a few more months, saving like hell, fixing the place up and selling it. We both need to start again somewhere. I can't bear the idea of leaving my girls, even though we'd be 50/50 childcare. It would still be Mummy leaving and I can't do that to them. But living together while separated... I don't know if I can do it.

Also capricorn its good to read that there's rarely anything to be gained from persevering when you know it's over. Well done for trying though, you're a stronger woman than I am. Also it sounds like you need a break. Is it feasible for you to get away, just for a night? I'll check back later and read more about what's going on with you.

I have started making smoothies loaded up with nuts and seeds so that's keeping me going.

This thread is indeed a massive lifeline. I do want this. I just have to get through the inevitable fallout and let go of the idea that I should plod along to keep the peace. As I saw on another thread: "You never find magic in your comfort zone".

Is Iron still about? How are you doing?

Late to this (I can't log on at home because of questioning etc) - but sending huge hugs to you Lost. I think it's only natural to feel shellshocked - it's still a huge change with lots to process and is a grieving process.

Well done on the smoothies - remember the oxygen mask rule - if you don't look after yourself, you're no good to anyone else (plus you deserve to be nurtured right now, even if you're the one doing it).

As for me - I have recently emerged from 2 years of therapy stemming from PTSD after the birth of DS. But this also included an intensive CAT treatment, so I am in a stronger position than most at understanding previous patterns and traumas. It is probably partly due to this that I have a different perception on what is ok and what isn't - the behaviours that I 'allowed' at the start of our relationship eg blocking me from friends etc, I am now absolutely not happy to accept.

OH, on the other hand, has steadfastly refused to ever discuss his problems, despite several attempts to encourage him to do so. He has, for example, zero relationship with his own mother at his choosing, but doesn't see how that skews the rest of his attitude towards women.

If I do this for him, this will be my parting gift - but I do not want to put everything on hold for this process (besides everything else, we need to apply for primary school by Jan 15 and I'd rather not have to appeal and re-apply by not livingin the right area when that time comes).

I also have discovered some interesting reading yesterday about relationship counselling that suggests if there is any emotional abuse in the relationship, you should not go to relationship counselling. I am trying to weigh up whether or not OH has been emotionally abusive and what the implications of that might be.

Thanks Blue that oxygen mask analogy is a good one for all of us, I think.

Sorry to hear you think there may be some EA going on. Very hard to come face to face with that, and also hard to really identify. I'd say that if you're being questioned on your internet usage, that's not right. Blocking you from friends definitely not right.

I hope you can find a way forwards from this. If you've not yet applied for primary school, now would indeed be a very good time to split. But you have to be 100% confident in that decision.

Blue youre right and i have thought that during counselling, that it would be dangerous to do if one partner is emotionally abusive and especially if the other were submissive or dominated. The counsellor wouldnt be able to see that, what goes on behind closed doors, and may end up giving validation to theabuser and further weakening the other.

We too have to apply for a school place by 15 Jan! I will have to assume that if dh and i separate we'll stay living in the same area. No idea how im going to get through the next few weeks/months in limbo - dc bday party, friend's wedding abroad, xmas, new years ....

Lost hope youre ok x