Thread for those who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL, just unsatisfying (pt. II)

[All0vertheplace]

The last thread reached 1,000 posts (!) so here's where we can keep the discussion going. Cake and flowers to all.

Great that NM is so understanding. Hunker down and get through it as best you can. And just think of yourself a year ago and how far you've come since then. Imagine being back in that place, knowing January 2017 is freedom time and having more than a year stretching out in front of you.

You've taken positive action, you've changed a situation that was making you miserable and you're finally within sniffing distance of being free. I am looking forward to reaching that point but it feels like it's a good few months away.

You can do it!

Thanks Lost you are so right & so much has happened in a year, things I had hoped for (separation) and things I never dreamed of (falling in love). 2017 can only be better cant it. I keep telling myself that. The money side will fall into place.

God 2016 has been a rotting fish of a year for so many reasons.

NYE for you this year will be so symbolic!

Hope you can see a way through the financial mess. It's always the hardest practical part x

Blue i am so sad about the empty sad feelings you had during/after physical intimacy - it is absolutely soul-destroying. I wish i could feel the way i used to, but i cant manufacture feelings that seem to have dried up. I had to decide not to take part anymore. So sad about it, but the alternative is sadder.

Hot i am so gald youve found someone else who makes you happy! I cant imagine seeing anyone else in the future, it would devastate my dh :(

My financial situation is dire - ive been main childcare giver and hence not working, but hope to start again parttime soon, am self-employed but dont earn much at the best ofvtimes. Really poor outlook for me financially :(

Counselling is interesting - but i fear that the longer it goes on, and our counsellor asked that we not have heavy conversations or make any decisions for the time being, i worry that its giving false hope to dh, as we are just acting as if notjings wrong :(((

Good luck to everyone, its a hard road, but we'll all find the right place eventually, im sure of that

Hello everyone - have been working away since this last post and couldn't wait to get bsck to MN, but not to home. The peace and freedom I feel when I work away is unbelievable and saddening. How are we are all?

settles down with coffee to catch up on the last few pages

Hi capricorn. What's your situ?

Que I hope you can find a way through this financially. I've been looking at EntitledTo and it looks like there's a lot of help for PT workers. What do you do self employed if you don't mind me asking?

I feel exactly the same as you. I told H last night that whatever we had, and I'm not sure it was all that strong to begin with, died a long time ago and we both missed opportunities to revive it. I tried, but he's so passive and emotionally shut down that it all fell on deaf ears.

I feel so, so sad. I know exactly what I want, but I can't reconcile the kids thing. I know they'll be fine in time but they're my only concern right now. I don't love H any more and I know I can get through any practical mess, I'm good at that. But I can't bear pretending any more.

It's just the DCs :(

Lost, honestly the DC will be ok, they will adapt. They will be happy if you are happy. There will be initial hurt but it's so common these days it's not going to be as bad as you think. Mine have been ok.

I've had the most awful day. He sent me nasty texts this morning re money so I called him. I work part-time, a decision we made together when youngest was born and he full time. He is now going on about it being HIS money etc and said I was to pay half everything. He earns double what I do. I refused point blank saying that until he moved out finances were not changing as I am not entitled to any help unless he is gone. Am I right?

He then started crying saying he refuses to move out in January, he is not ready, he does not want to go home to a flat alone. I did feel awful for him but we cannot live like this. What on earth can I do? I feel awful basically making the decision our marriage is over and then making him move out from his home. But it was him insisting I stay here so kids can be in their own home. Help!

Thanks hot, believing that more and more. How happy can they be now with a highly strung mum on the verge of tears and a dad who feels he'll never measure up?

I'm so sorry to hear you've had such an awful day. Sounds like maybe it's all really hitting stbx in a new way and he's struggling to deal. Is there no way you can sell your place (if you own)? January is a good month to sell as people hold off buying until after Christmas. Failing that, could you find a place within budget for you and Dcs? Will you be entitled to much in the way of benefits?

And yes I think you're absolutely right on the finances, especially given he earns so well. Wonder how well his career would be going now if he'd not had you there to cover so much of the childcare?

Its complicated. We built an extension & don't have the completion certificate. He is supposed to be organising the last few jobs to complete it but is delaying & coming up with excuses. I don't know what needs done to complete to be able to organise myself. Without the completion cert we cannot sell. I am so frustrated.

If I move out I can only afford to rent with help from housing benefit and I can only claim that for 6 months because I'm on the mortgage. I'd therefore be reliant on him finishing house & getting ready for sale in 6 months or I'd end up homeless.

He has me over a barrel.

I feel like I can't cope any longer. I could only keep going as I thought the end was in sight.

Hi Capricorn hope you are ok?

Lost i totally understand your concerns about your DCs. And im not saying it will be smooth sailing for them. But for me in my situation, i honestly do not feel concern for my DD - how i look at it is that she should grow up with happy parents, or at with the potential to be happy. Having sad parents stuck in a relationship that doesnt make them happy is not a good model. I would never have wanted my parents to do that, nor my DD when shes older. Plus i wouldnt want DD to feel any guilt if she ever thought that i remained unhappy for her sake. As long as separation is handled in a mature civil way, children adapt.

My romantic love has dried up too Lost. Mine used to be there strongly; and i do still love and care about him so much, i could die from the pain of hurting him.

Hot ive had the same experience - DH earns way more than me plus ive been off work doing full-time childcare for the past year, agreed on by both of us. Then he turns on me saying its all his money and i dont contribute! I didnt have the energy to argue, just hoped he was having a bad moment and would see sense soon. That is a very good point you make about me not being entitled to any assistance while still together. I fear he is being nice while we're in this bubble of counselling and he thinks we could fix things, and if we were to end up separating he might turn nasty again.

Hot we too are dealing with incomplete building works - we're about three-quarters of the way through home renovations, but still a huge amount of money needs to be spent on making the house livable and/or sell-able. So far he has agreed to spending the bare minimum to finish the renos. But it means more money going out, and more months of building works in the new year argh. I wish i could stay in the house, i love it, but i could never afford to buy out his equity. He talked about sharing custody by taking turns living in the house so our DD stays put for stability. But i dont know how i would pay motrgage plus rent :( even renting a bedsit feels out of reach at the moment

Gah how frustrating on the incoplete building works. I live in a house where nothing's ever completed so I feel your pain.

Que I see a lot of parralels in our situations. Though I don't htink I ever really loved DH though I had a lot of fondness for him and thought he'd make a great father/partner. I thought that the love would grow and grow and it began to when we created our amazing DCs, but quickly died because he made no efforts to keep it alive. Despite me telling him it was dying and trying.. trying... I agree that DCs will be better off without the saddest parents in the land politely skirting around each other for now until eternity.

Really hope both you and hot can figure out the housing situation. Sounds so frustrating. Keep playing the lottery x

Hello ladies :)

Just been catching up. I'm still signed off due to stress (of the exa harassment) and grief. I now have the flu and struggling wirh a two and a five year old. To cap it all off ex has come round to help but then startled banging on about sacrifices and how this was my choice and how he doesnt have to 'help ' me. We would often during our relationships have conflict 9ver that. I dont believe doing the school run is helpingme ...its parental responsibility.

He also keeps making nasty little references that I have 'slept about'. Even though this was post separation. And we had agreed to date. Anyway re the topic of dating we had had an agreement that we could date post separation. 2 months later I hooked up with a tinder guy. Stupid and reckless i know.ex read myPMs to my friend and gas been downright nasty. Extremely jealous controlling type. So I dont tell h8m if im dating. Not his business. But whenever I do go out even with friends he is sending texts every two minute's demandimg my whereabouts.

Re the date he seemed lovely but has basically ended up ghosting me. Think I fell for his future faking ways. Think I'm too vulnerable and needy for any full on dates now but in saying that have been speaking to a couple of guys who I might meet for coffee. I'm also reading why men love bitches and am o the OLD thread.

I'm dreading xmas and new year. Really looking fwd to 2017. 2016 worst year of my life.

Hey barn. Sorry to hear your date ghosted you and that your ex is being a bit of a tit. Hope you have a bit more success with any future dates.

This has been an extremely painful year. More than ready for it to be over. I have just been told by my parents - in no uncertain terms - that I have no right to leave my unhappy marriage and that they won't suport me if I do. That I will be effectively ruining my children's lives so I've just got to find a way to be happy.

In shock really and feeling desperately sad. And sick. And utterly, utterly trapped.

Lost. Listen. You know in your heart the right thing to do. I'm afraid your parents will have to accept it. Would they want to see their daughter become increasingly more miserable? They are dealing with their iwn sh9ck and grief. Whilst my folks are backing me I have a lot of friends wity the nice guy narrative. But who is living this life. Give them time and try and sit down one of tuem qnd explain more fully what you have told us. Sometimes we grow apart like branches of a tree. It is so very sad but it is life. You will be a happier person and better mamma in the end. People need to step away from this victim/persecutor idea. Big hugs. Stay strong. Give them time xxxx

Lost Im so sorry. I agree with everything Barn said. You simply cannot live unhappily to make others happy, you just can't. xx

barn this is the incredibly hurtful thing. I've been so honest about how downtrodden I've become, how sad the house is, how hard it is for DH to look at me and know in his heart that I don't love him anymore. It's palpably painful to know that, to them, that is irrelevant.

Friends judging I can cope with. I will simply know who to remove from my inner circle while I go through this. But my parents... I never thought they'd do this.

Thanks so much for your words, really need those right now xx

Thanks hot, just when I was starting to see a way out where everyone could be happy in the long run. I can't believe they have put me in this position :(

Lost, what do you need from them in terms of support?

Purely emotional. I plan to do this without having to put my hand out to anyone for anything. I have built a career and a business which is, on good months, more than enough to support me and DCs. I will just have to work harder to make every month a good month.

So fortunately I am not relying on them for anything practical. But to know that they are judging me while I wrestle with the hardest decision I've ever had to make... It's going to erode our relationship if I let it. I know I have to forget what they've said and move on.

But there are so many complex reasons why I'm finding their position astonishingy hypocritical! I can't go into them here for fear of outing myself, but lets just say there seems to be one rule for them, and quite another for me.

Ok so you can still do this, be strong, hopefully they will come round, especially if it's amicable. Do you have other family or RL friends who can emotionally support you?

Yes I have lots of support fortunately. I'm really lucky :) just need to give parents time as you say. If they can't support me, that's a decision they're going to have to live with and find a way to sleep at night...

My parents have said they support me 100% but want to support stbex too, I discovered he has been going to theirs to chat etc, it's made me very uncomfortable & Ive distanced myself from them. I don't speak about it to them at all. I'm lucky too & have lots of RL support. We can all support each other on here though by knowing we all understand.

This thread has been such a lifeline. Just two months ago, I honestly didn't even believe leaving was an option for me. Just sat there looking forward to the sweet release of DCs leaving home so I could leave too! It's been so empowering to read the stories of people who have been/are being brave enough to make a change. I just need to be brave now.