Thread for those who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL, just unsatisfying (pt. II)

[All0vertheplace]

The last thread reached 1,000 posts (!) so here's where we can keep the discussion going. Cake and flowers to all.

Well Blue yes and no. Yes because it feels great to have everything laid out in order (counsellor very good at stopping the conversation running away and getting messy) and no because it's only making me feel stronger about wanting out.

I could quite easily plod along forever with a good man but I feel like screaming I DON'T WANT TO and having a massive tantrum.

I know I'd be long gone if it weren't for the DCs, and surely that's all I need to know?

Good for you for saying no. I must admit your comment aboiut going along with it and feeling dead inside made me feel so awful for you. No one should ever have to do that. really, really hope the viewing goes well. Stay strong, you certainlt sound strong.

Monkey keep talking, this is a good place to sort out exactly how you're feeling. A lot of people here who can and will empathise.

Hi. Just posting quick will read later. I am on way home and dreading yet another weekend of playing happy families..

The weekends are so tough. People at work ask 'got anything nice planned this weekend?''Yeah! Loads of forced smiles and confusion and trying not to cry into the kitchen sink. You?'

Do update us later, Iron

A link for you ladies in this god-awful boat. And some Friday :

www.joycemaynard.com/columns-articles/true-life-its-over.shtml

Well I have had weekend from hell..he wanted some action this morning, and I could not go through with it. I've had enough of playing dead, told him calmly I don't want to, he was angry and upset which I can understand but I did actually tell him 6wks ago we were over. Cue name calling, telling me to 'go fucking think about it'. Thinking is all I have done for ages now.
Anyway, it's not nice but I do feel relief, that it's said and there is no going back.
Onwards and upwards, worried about telling dds, not sure when that will happen, but they are semi prepared I feel.

Oh Hurley i'm so sorry youve had such a tough weekend! But, as awful as it feels, it is progress? 'Action' has been off the table here for about two months. I know my dh wouldnt try anytjing. Im surprised yours does, considering youve said its over. I guess he doesnt believe that its really over?

Hurley well done for standing your ground. How dare he go after sex when you've said it's over?! When are you planning to tell your dds?

DH is acting resigned. He's talking about separation, think he knows it's inevitable. He said he could see us still in this situation in ten years and that it's not going to change.

I feel so relieved that he's said it. Scared but relieved. I feel one step closer to freedom every day. He's being wonderful and I think if I had any feelings left, his behaviour would have them flooding forth.

How is everyone else? What's happening?

Thank you for support Que and Lost.
Absolute progress yes..Yes he was in denial regarding first conversation, thinking it would 'blow over'. Its really horrible seeing him hurt, but I honestly feel he will be happier in future if we are not together as a couple, and I know I will.
Funny how it suddenly comes to a crunch moment..i have had robot sex for years with him, but this request was the final straw.
As for telling dds, that's still to be discussed..long way to go but I hope we can co parent amicably..
Lost, that also sounds like progress..I know what you mean re feelings, I am numb, think you get detached in preparation.

Definitely feels like detaching. I look at him and I feel absolutely nothing other than a tinge of sadness that I can't feel the right way about him. I wish I could, everything would be so much simpler and better for everyone if I could change. But I can't. Poor guy is so upset but understands where we are. I feel dreadful :(

Also the fact that your DH was probably hoping it would blow over is pretty telling. I should think he's known how unhappy you've been but hasn't really done anything about it.

You are absolutely right, we've had real downs for years now..and I've warned him this is what could happen if he didn't take on board what I was trying to tell him then...not to hide stuff, not to treat me as 'her indoors', to share chores, to get talking re kids stuff. But he didn't, and it became very patronising.. I also became much busier with work...he pays lip service to that, but does not follow through in practice ( it's a physical job, never there when I need help, I pay others to help!). I feel really terrible for him too...he can't stop this now and it must be really crap, whereas I feel positive.

That's the price people pay for passivity. It sucks, but you know when it's too late.

Very difficult not to let it descend into point scoring when there's a lot to be resentful about, but I'm trying not too. Need to keep this as amicable as possible, and pointing out how lonely he let me feel won't help now I guess.

What's your housing situation? Would you move out? I'm so worried about finances. I earn a decent amount but we've tried living on it before (he had a couple of months out of work) and it was disastrous...

At the moment he's saying he won't be the one to go, as I am the unhappy cow I can go! Hmm, as main child carer that may be difficult...
Our property has good equity, we could sell and have good deposit each for new place, but I don't want to disrupt dds, and 4 bed property is gold dust here. As I'm self employed it's going to be difficult to get decent mortgage, and our past financial mess(hidden) will compound that! Easiest option is me stay here with dds, he rents flat nearby..but it's understandably depressing option for him.. I am doing lottery this week

Same same! Self employed, enough equity to get a small place each.

I don't want to stay in this house, it's too sad a place for me. Would rather he stayed here and I rented, but then I don't want to be the one with the 'temporary' home. So much to consider. This is the point at which I swing back to suffering on through it to avoid all this horrid disruption! Good luck with the lottery...

Same here lost and Hurley. Sometimes I think the financial situation will be fine, if he pays me maintenance and I can get a decent place for a reasonable price. But the ifs and buts are pretty shaky and I think if he thought it would mean I stayed he wouldn't pay me at all. It's at the stage of staying together at any cost for him. Lost I really wish my dh took on board the split is going to happen. Maybe it's my fault for lingering over the decision so long, but you need to be sure. And then I get told either 'what's the rush, can't you try a bit more' and ' oh I suppose you've got this all worked out?' .
Well over thought about it long enough yes. Shame you didn't instead of steadfastly ignoring me.
Strength to all ✌🏻️

You're absolutely right shandy - you have to be sure. If there's a flicker of doubt in terms of your relationship, it's not time to go. for me that flicker died a long time ago, when I began to realise I was the only one really fighting to keep things alive.

Sending strength to you, too x

Happy Monday all - sorry to hear of the rough weekend Hurley and others...

I got duped into action last night, couldn't say no so just lay there, and sobbed afterwards. This was after me telling him Saturday that I just didn't love him anymore, and I can't turn it back on.

Cue him being incredibly nice again, offering a back rub etc, him announcing we should go shopping for Xmas decs... i'm thinking now we make it a nice Xmas for DS, then I'll be ready to move us out afterwards.

His behavioural shift had sparked the nag of doubt again, but the 'action' last night reinforced that I just can't do this any more.

In less good news, just been to look round what i thought was a perfect house - but I don't think it's going to work. Stairs are lethal for DS (which is a big problem as all the houses in the area I want to move into have the same build and very similar stairs). And also there were two other potential clients also looking round at the same time, so I don't think I'll be able to move quick enough to get the application in.

Frustrating. And hard.

Blue good to hear an update from you, was wondering how you were getting along.

You sound pretty resolute. Your gut knows how you feel and the fact that physical intimacy moved you to tears, well...

As I once said to my sister, with homes all it takes is one day, one minute for an agent to load up the details of your Dream House. And she found hers the next day.

Sending strength x

Hi all

Sorry I've not been on for a while. Not much to report my end. Still frustrated by my stbx doing eff all to move forward the extension being finished. He has also now bought a wood burner for the garden??? WHY? He will be moving into a flat early next year or so he said. I'm so frustrated.

I felt so awful Blue about you describing having sex and how you feel. Please don't put yourself through that again, that's so awful. Are the stairs that bad? Do other families live in those type of properties? Children easily adapt and you could use stairgates?

I am the same as most of you with the finances. I have done all my calculations and think I can afford it. I am thinking of asking my mortgage provider if I could switch to interest only for a few months when he moves out so I can have some breathing space. Not sure if that's a good idea or not!

Hey Hot, sounds like ex is in an area of slight denial. Finances would be very tight for us too but the freedom would be more than worth it.

I plan to get a 0% credit card if/when I leave so that emergencies can be funded without interest charges. Have been very badly burned by CCs in the past so feel fairly confident I could tighten the old belt and pay it off over time.

Think your idea about IO mortgage could be a winner just to take the pressure off for a bit. Worth asking your bank anyway so you know if it's a possibility?

Hi Lost

Thanks. It does help to type on here and get help & opinions.

I'm glad the counselling is helping you, in that its confirming your feelings, even though that is tough.

Good idea re the credit card. We have quite a large credit card debt. I just wish I could write it off and then money worries would be so much less.

You are right though re the freedom. I spent three nights with my new man and got total grief for the third night (was only supposed to be away 2 but I got really sick - think throwing up constantly) and could not travel home. I had not said where I really was. I admire you Up for just saying you are away but mines is in such denial that I am still lying. I asked a good friend for advice and she said I must ask my stbx if he would rather know when I was with OM (not sure what else to call him) or not. Then Id just tell kids was seeing a friend. What do you all think? For those that don't know my story the OM is not an affair, met him after separating!

Definitely, I'm finding MN something of a lifesaver at the moment!

Sorry to hear you've been poorly!Awful that you feel like you have to cover up for now but it's definitely right to keep it under wraps from the kids until you know how you feel and what the long-term plan might be. If I were separated and seeing someone, I'd work it around the kids and tell them when/if things got serious.

So I guess the only person to consider here is your stbx and that's a really tricky one without knowing the kind of person he is, I guess... How do you think he might react?

He does know I'm seeing someone but as he still does not want the split even though he has accepted (in a fashion) it is happening I feel like I cant say I'm away this weekend with OM as its like rubbing his face in it. He says he wants the truth but I'm not sure he is prepared for it if that makes sense, however I do think he knows I am lying which is worse. I have no idea what is for the best.

Sounds like a no win unfortunately :( Very hard to be single but still living with the stbx. I really hope you can get through this and protect the burgeoning relationship with NM (new man - better I think!) while managing everything you've got going on.

These six weeks must be stretching ahead of you but if you keep yourself busy enough sorting Christmas and finances and whatnot, hopefully it'll go by a little faster.

Its very very hard. My NM (thanks that's much better) totally understands my situation and is not pressing me to move forward. He is fortunate that his DS is 18 and working and could move out relatively easily. He now has his own flat. For me the kids are still dependant so not as easy.

Yes got lots planned next 6 weeks so will hopefully go fast and take my mind off everything.