Thread for those who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL, just unsatisfying (pt. II)

[All0vertheplace]

The last thread reached 1,000 posts (!) so here's where we can keep the discussion going. Cake and flowers to all.

Sorry you are all feeling such limbo. It's the most awful stage. I feel relief conversation had, decision made. I am of course though still in limbo until he moves out. Such a hard hard stage.

Oh Blue that's really rough. It really is awful. To know it's over in your heart but not to be able to make the choices you want to make because of these precious little people. That seems to be what it boils down to for most of us.

I'm squirrelling money away. Just had a small windfall which feels like a sign. Only a months rent worth but it all counts. I feel like I can give it a few months of counselling and see what's what, and stash as much cash as possible in the meantime. That feels pretty deceitful but I need some control while things feel so messy.

Thanks Hot it's good to have to here as a beacon on the other side! Hope you can get to the next stage ASAP.

The limbo is indeed an awful stage.
Lost we are doing counselling. We've done about five or six sessions. It seems to be a slow agonising process. But the counsellor asked me to give it a chance and not rush it, which i agreed to. So i am trying in that sense. We are also seeing individual counsellors - mine has basically said theres nothing she can say that will change how i feel :(
Blue if my DH tried for some action i wouldnt even be able to go along with it. Feeling dead inside during it is a sad sign :(

Hot I can't imagine how hard that must be to still be under the same roof - I experienced that with my ex but he was away so often that it didn't matter much.

I'm hoping we only have a week or two in that boat. That said, the two properties I had my eye on have been rented subject to contract which is a blow.

Lost I think that's a wise move to squirrel money away - I was very lucky to have been promoted recently with a huge payrise to boot, so I know I can now cover everything if I need to, plus DS will be starting school next September. My plan is to rent until we sell the house (joint mortgage) then use that money as a deposit to start again.

Que I feel like I will come across the same to the counsellor. Going to try to put my fighter face on but I've read so much that says this kind of feeling can very rarely if ever be reversed. At least you're doing the counselling and unpicking your feelings so they're plain to see. In a selfish way, I'm partly doing it so I can say I tried everything...

Blue that's great news. I see so many women on here - in far worse martial situations than me - who are totally reliant on their DH. If I ever win the lottery, I'm bailing them all out.

I'm a little worried abut our joint capital as he brought pretty much all of it to the table. I'd feel awful gouging him for 50% when he's done nothing wrong, but then I need a proper home for the girls. And so does he. And there's only really one decent deposit's worth in there.

So I'll save and save andkeep praying for that lottery win!

Also Blue you say he's trying hard but it sounds like it's interspersed with some awful EA/PA behaviour. Look after yourself.

Hi all. I've been yo yoing around emotionally. I had a bad day yesterday thinking I was the wicked witch or 'dark angel' for anyone who saw it on tv. Probably following my dh's words that it would kill him and the kids if I leave. Even so he's made no attempt to talk about the situation or be nice to me since for ever and he keeps to his line of 'give it time' and then ignores the situation for weeks.
I also feel like you lost that although I wasn't that hasty I relied on the being good, nice and kind and other people liking him, to be enough to marry him without considering were we in love and was he right for me. And now that's come back to bite me on the bum as now I want to leave him, but everyone else loves him.
Today and hopefully tomorrow my resolve is back and I will get a house. I will. Positive affirmations. Hi to blue and hot, iron and que.
One day! Oh and barn burnt, how did the date go?

Argh shandy your DH's behaviour sounds so frustrating. I'm glad I'm not the only one who married for those reasons, but I'm trying to put a positive spin on it - I mainly chose him because I knew he'd be a great father, and a separation isn't going to change that fact. It will always be a good choice for that reason alone. Try to keep that in mind - you chose well but you also chose a very long time ago and it's okay for your feelings to change over time.

Also the few people I've spoken to so far about this have been pretty supportive, and the first ones to say 'Well he may be lovely but that doesn't automatically mean you have to love him'.

Also very interested to hear how barn's date went!

How is everyone else today?

Hello all

Nothing new here. Also want to know how Barns date went!

Shandy I got all the guilt stuff but I stood strong & didn't waiver even though it was so hard.

Stay strong

Hi everyone
I contributed to this thread a good few pages back and still look in. My situ: we have effectively split emotionally. We've been together for almost 20 years but the marriage has been dead in the water for the last 8 or so. The counselling has been had. I've tried, hard and long. And I've given up.
The conversation was had some time ago, quite a few months ago now. We've both accepted the situation. No chance of us living separately as we are up to our arses in debt, and neither one will kick the other out. We actually rub along alright.

I probably annoy him as much as he annoys me...
We need to sort the money thing out and I haven't the first idea how to do it. We also have a tricky teenager to deal with, and we do parent fairly effectively together still.

Also, I've met somebody else. It's early days but he makes me really, really happy. We went away together for a weekend recently, I stay over at his sometimes. No questions asked at home.

I'd be quite happy if H met somebody too. I was so fucking lonely, it was killing me.
So, no, its far from an ideal situation, but I am so much happier than I was this time last year. Probably too much of that happiness is weighted on the new relationship but I'm taking steps to build myself up outside of and beyond that.
So that's my story!

That is such a supportive viewpoint, 'he's lovely but that doesnt mean you have to love him'. I need to hear that. All of my friends think i should try harder, they say he's such an amazing guy (he is, i know that), i'll never find another man so wonderful (most likely true).

Speaking to my counsellor recently, i was in tears of guilt, feeling like the most horrible person in the world, hurting someone so wonderful, whom i love. She said unless i can change how i feel (i dont think its possible) my only choices are (a) to live a fake life pretending all is fine; or (b) to separate. She said you dont really have a choice, and youre being brave and courageous for being honest about it. She said it was admirable to be able to be honest when the consequences of that honesty are so cataclysmic. Those words helped.

Upyer your current living arrangement and situation sounds tough indeed. But i am so glad to hear that you are seeing someone you like and feeling happier! Is your H not jealous? Mine would be totally devastated ... yet another level of intense pain and guilt for me to face sometime in the future ...

UpYerG...we also have pretty bad debt problems to complicate things, contacted Stepchange around year ago and they helped so much..it was incredible relief.
Basically everything is paid off slowly without crippling interest charges or harassment. I would highly recommend contacting them. Of course this is a task I did with no help from him..I was like a spy having to unravel his financial mess which he hid! This also left me feeling very resentful that in a time of total crisis he was nowhere to be seen..

Upyer good for you, and wonderful to read that you've met someone who makes you so happy. And it's great that you're working on your own happiness outside of any relationship situation. Well done, and thanks for throwing in another 'after the fact' success story. Hope you can get the living situation to a point where everyone can thrive.

Que It was really good to hear, and totaly refreshing. But then my mum said 'I can't iagine someone not loving MrLost!' NOT helpful, mum. Sounds like your friends aren't helping at all. I hate the Try Harder Brigade. Like you haven't been TRYING for years upon years already?! What they fail to reliase is that you haven't just decided to be unhappy overnight. What's happened is you've come face-to-face with the root of your intense unhappiness and have realised it's time to do something about it.

You ARE brave and it takes tremendous courage to even skirt around the issue of breaking up a family. It's not what any of us signed up for or dreamed of when we were growing up. We are good people, and we wouldn't even consider it if there was a way we could be happy while keeping everyone together.

I am facing those two choices too. I often feel like the world's biggest arsehole in feeling this way, but `I can't help how I feel. None of us can.

You are right Lost, we cannot help how we feel and we deserve happiness. It's so frustrating because other people like our H's that they feel we should try. My stbx's family are apparently in shock. This is not helping things.

Up how do you do it? I mean see your new man. I have told my stbx I am seeing someone but somehow find myself lying where I am going so as to not hurt his feelings or cause him to go mad. I'm staying with him next 2 days but said I'm on a course. I hate it. I also don't want kids to know so if I was truthful to him I'd still have to lie to kids. Any advice?

Sounds like you're doing the right thing. I think it's probably easier for kids to accept and deal with a split without anyone else involved. And of course you don't want them ever suspecting you've left their dad for someone else when that's far from the truth.

Keep on keeping on with your eye on the new year! Any chance your stbx could move any sooner?

No he won't move out before Christmas, not going to ask as he is really clear about that so don't want to rock the amicable type relationship right now. Wish he would though.

Yes gotta pick your battles at the moment I guess. Frustrating though!

A few of you asked how H and I handle the other people thing.
Well, as part of the conversation I told him I didn't want to be sneaking around or lying, and I didn't want him to feel he had to either. He was fine with it. He did raise the point of the children finding out, and I said well we can be discreet. Not shit on our own doorstep, if you'll pardon the expression. I also said its time we talked a bit with our eldest, (15, and savvy) that she deserved to know a little about the situation and not be worrying. And tell some friends and family. All of these things have happened and the sky didn't fall in even a little. My parents were actually relieved a bit. They'd been so worried about me. The teenager said she was glad to know and that she understood.

So when I go to meet my guy, I just say I'll see you tomorrow to H. No jealousy. I don't think he feels that way about me any more, and he was never the jealous type anyway. That would have involved paying a bit of attention, not his forte.
So yes it's all a bit sad. Not what we signed up for.

But hey, it could be and has been a helluva lot worse.

Hello everyone, hope it's ok to join this thread. I read some of the old thread a few months ago but now I’m at the point of taking the first step to being on my own.

We’ve been together nearly 4 years, living together for 3, no kids. We never had the “honeymoon” period when we were jumping on each other constantly, but he had been single for years so I thought that he’d got used to living without sex and that things would improve. I was wrong. He’s been on ADs for anxiety/panic attacks for nearly 3 years and his sex drive is non-existent. I’ve tried to talk to him about it, but he won’t go back to the doctor to talk about the side-effects of the pills and see if there are alternatives.

Our relationship is totally devoid of affection, emotional attachment and intimacy. I’ve tried to talk to him several times this year about how lonely this makes me feel and how we’re more like two strangers living under the same roof than a couple. I don’t feel supported in anything I do and he takes very little interest. He always says that he understands how I must feel and that he’ll make more of an effort but a few months later we’re having the same conversation again.

This week the conversation came up again and this time he said perhaps we should go our separate ways (previously I’ve said I can’t live like this forever, but have never mentioned splitting up quite so explicitly). He’s then avoided me, spending the evenings he’s not at work in the spare bedroom and we’ve not uttered a word to each other in 4 days.

I’m sure I’d be happier on my own, as I can’t possibly feel more lonely than I do at the moment. It’s just taking that first step to making it happen. … Sorry for such a long post!

Oh Monkey
That sounds very difficult. I think you will be a new woman when you get out from under this relationship. Wishing you the wind under your wings to get moving...
Do you have a RL friend you could talk with to start planning what you need to do?

Thanks UpYer... I have a couple of RL friends that I've talked to about this, although not in quite so much detail. Financially, all of the equity in the house is mine so I think I can negotiate staying on (providing I pass the lender's criteria to put the mortage into my sole name). I'm pretty practical and organised, so I'm just treating it as a project rather than an emotional exercise iyswim. and to everyone in a similar situation. I feel crappy about breaking up but I know it's the right thing for both of us....

Welcome monkey Sorry to read you're going through this. Sounds like it's sapping everything from you and you need a change - fast.

Good that you're in a relatively secure place financially. Get on with your project and start getting ducks in a row. You'll soon get a feel for whether it's the right thing to do.

Sorry for slow reply, we've been getting stuck into counselling. I still feel the same way and it's good to have everything out in the open.

Is the counselling helping Lost?

Here, something has changed. Yesterday morning, OH wanted a quickie. I declined. Since then, we've hardly spoken. Feels like the beginning of the end which in some ways is a good thing but it's all very real and raw.

I'm viewing a house for DS and I on Monday, I think the conversation will have been had by then. I know it's for the best, and it's what I want, but it's hurting.

Thanks and for you Lostandlonely1979 and BlueJayBear too.