Thread for those who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL, just unsatisfying (pt. II)

[All0vertheplace]

The last thread reached 1,000 posts (!) so here's where we can keep the discussion going. Cake and flowers to all.

Iron and Lost - i think definitely if theres no sexual connection and no emotional connection the answer is clear, its not a functional relationship. But what if you still have the emotional connection, love, caring, but not in a romantic/physical/sexual way? Feels so petty, superficial, shallow to destroy lives over this. But i cant get around the fact that we both deserve romantic love. My counsellor says many women feel this way but in her day no one would contemplate leaving a marriage over it, women would have some wine and lie back and think of England lol. I cant see that as a lifelong solution.

Yes exactly. Many people are conditioned to believe that we can - and should be able to - do without love and connection and that's just what happens over time. Tha's exactly what's happened in my other relaionships and guess what - I LEFT! It's the kids, it's 100% about the kids.

I have a lot of affection for my husband.

I wouldn't mind at all if he moved on with someone else, I would be so relieved that someone was giving him the love (emotional and physical) that I can't.

I feel no real emotional connection to him.

I feel no real intellectual connection to him.

Yep, all pretty clear! I think I've probably decided what needs to be done but I'm keen to see what the counsellor says. I'm also organising some family excursions so we get to spend a lot of time together in the coming weeks.

I think this will have a double benefit of confirming that we are pretty much just mates now, and that our children won't look back on the runup to The Split thinking 'well that was shit, wasn't it?'.

How are you all doing today? Are you getting through the weekend okay?

Having some QT with my DDs while DH is away for the day/night. Feels good and I'm not missing him. I can be myself, we put the trolls soundtrack on and danced around! Can't do that when hhes here. Would love to be with someone I could be silly around - be silly with.

Hey Lost, my stbexh has been at football and now away for the night so Im home alone too

Sat eating a monster bar of dairy milk.

I'm missing my bf, we are definitely silly together, this time last week I was showing him I could do the highland fling lol. Don't think I've ever done that with my stbexh.

Must be tricky still cohabiting, bring on the new year and regular highland flinging! How is your STBX dealing with your new relationship?

I've got a hot date with a plate of ribs. Yum.

Mmmm ribs one of my favourite foods. I eat really healthy but have a Saturday night off, ribs may have to be on the menu next weekend.

He only knows I'm seeing someone, nothing more. I don't talk about it. I think it will be very upsetting for him. The timing does suck I admit that.

Well you certainly shouldn't starve yourself of somethig that's been missing from your life for so long. It's wonderful you've found something so fulfilling :-)

Going to stick on a soppy film and eat my bodyweight in crap food. This is why I'm quite a bit bigger thna I should be at the moment! Bloody comfort eating...

Brilliant hot! I have a date tomorrow...🙄.

No romantic/sexual/emotional connection was how I felt. Agree with the consensus. It's not sustainable.

Lost you KNOW the answers. I went through a very similar limbo process of going backwards and forwards between two different visions of the future. Even know with all the nastiness night's like tonight I miss him. I'm listening to radio 1s essential mix and it takes me back. He turned up well groomed, handsome, reasonabke to take the dc to the fireworks. I miss him. But this is all part of the inevitable grieving process. Its just not possible to avoid the sense of pain and loss.

I've gone the opposite, at my lowest weight in 15 years!!

If we do split up, I'll lose it all! I'll be so busy enjoying life. That happened last time I left an unhappy LTR.

barn exciting to hear you have a date! Hope it goes well.

Argh. It would just be so easy if I could turn off my desire for a deeper connection. That's the problem here, everything else is fine and I'm lucky to have the DCs with such a great person.

That's why I swing - some days I think I should stick it out until they're older and give it my best shot with a good man who will always take care of us, others I can't bear to keep shoving my happiness and needs on the backburner.

Is there no way Lost you think you can get that emotional connection back?

'Back' is the key word. It's never been there. We did everything so hastily (not proud of those rash choices) and never really got to know each other.

I didn't think it would matter as he was so good,kind and reliable. I chose the stable/safe option, which isn't kind at all I know. He deserves so much better.

So maybe this is the price I pay for making those rash choices...

You deserve more too. You really do.

Sounds like you can be great friends & co parent really well whilst finding someone who makes your tummy flip.

I wanna tummy flip so bad! I've only had it once in my life, it was amazing.

You will find it

Thanks Hot. That'll be a long old way off if I do find the courage to do this. But it would be wonderful.

I was told by someone to write down my hopes for the future and read them every night, picture them and work towards them. Sounds daft & cheesy but I'm on my way to achieving them.

I feel so lost right now that I don't even know what I want for the future and what could even be on that list. I have extremely high hopes for my business but beyond that, I struggle to see any thing. I guess because I'm not with the person I can imagine sharing it with.

How are you Lost?

Ugh much the same, swinging back and forth. Counselling starts on Friday and kind of in limbo until then. Very awkward between us. Keep dreaming about having my own place and being free.

How are you doing?

Trying to make it work
Just getting on with it Lost. Trying

The trying is exhausting and saps your very soul

Lost and Iron - im not even sure what trying is supposed to involve?? What should i even be doing? Trying to change how i feel? Im lost too

For us, I guess its counselling. But the day-to-day things I used to try (date nights, nice gestures, hugs etc) I just can't find the energy for any more.

Sending strength to you guys, this is so hard.

Que have you done any counselling?

Hi all, just dropping in to see how everyone is :)

Lost - the back and forth thing is exactly how I feel.

As for trying - it's a headmess. I tried and tried for years, but I don't have the energy anymore. If it wasn't for DS I'd have been long gone.

We've had a fun few days - effectively blocked from going out to do some sport on Friday and last night by passive aggressive shite, mixed with surprise just-because presents (a couple of books, which is lovely) and spontaneous car-scraping this morning... but it's all just demonstrating how much I'm not bothered.

Last night he initiated some 'action' and I went along with it but was dead inside.

I can't do this. He's trying hard, but I can't. And I feel terrible.