Thread for those who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL, just unsatisfying (pt. II)

[All0vertheplace]

The last thread reached 1,000 posts (!) so here's where we can keep the discussion going. Cake and flowers to all.

Glad those phrases are helping, I have them stored in my phone for emergencies! I am really swaying every day. I know what has to be done, but it's so scary and I have no idea how I'll cope on All The Levels.

Hot thank you for all the support you've given me. You're so right, I dread going home to my humdrum home. For ages I thought I just wasn't cut out to be a mum but the longer this goes on, I'm realising it's been my relationship all along.

Capricorn welcome, these threads are so helpful in picking apart how you feel and what the best next moves might be for you. 'Nothing' is probably the key word. I look at DH and although I see so clearly how wonderful he is, I don't feel anything. I feel pretty numb and my brain shuts down.

I've read so many judgey threads that say 'well every marriage goes through lows, but it's worth it because you really appreciate the highs'.

And you sit there, feeling like a weirdo, whispering 'But there are no highs' to yourself. And then you realise there never have been. And then you realise how lonely you are. And this scary realisation can all occur in the space of just a few minutes.

Hope people are doing okay today. When it's sunny, I can see hope. But when it's gloomy, I feel like nothing will ever be okay again, no matter what I do.

Iron you ain't self absorbed.

Thanks Lost. The highs for me are when we laugh (rare) or laugh about the kids. Just can't find the energy. As in I am not sure I have the energy to make the break. Things are not good. I am going to apply for a promotion. More money will help me line my ducks up and focus the excess energy I hope..

Good for you, a proactive move. As Hot says upthread, it's good to make practical moves as I think these are the things which tell you how you really feel and help you feel more in control. Best of luck with the application.

Laughter (unless from the kids) is rare in our house, too. We share no sense of humour, none at all.

Hi everyone. I've been off MN for an age, but would love to join you if I may, please.

I've been with OH for 6 and a half years, and for 6 of those years I have been the fighter - the one fighting to keep things going, to maintain the romance and the sex etc. But I've had enough. We have a 3yo DS who is amazing (and OH has a 14yo from a previous relationship), and OH has become a good dad...

But we are not right together. For years, he's punctuated arguments with 'if you don't like it, leave'. He's subtly controlling - demanded early on that I not see friends and is always asking who messages are from etc - and has never really shown that he genuinely loves me.

In July I suggested a trial separation and he said 'it won't be a trial - for me, that will be it' so I continued on. At the end of September I said I was planning to leave. He told me he couldn't possibly change, and he's seen this coming for a long time and he doesn't blame me. And then he suddenly said - 'but this doesn't have to be the end' and has been playing the part of model partner since. (Don't get me wrong, he has many plus points - he has a good job, does lots around the house, will watch DS once a week so I can do some exercise etc)

I can't fall back in love, even though I can see that he does care. And I need to go for me. But what's keeping me awake at night is how people will see me - that they'll think I didn't try, that I'm cold and heartless for removing our child from his father on a daily basis (even though I will be encouraging regular contact and only moving round the corner).

Nobody gets it. But you guys appear to be in really similar situations. I don't want to break his heart - and make our son hate me. But I can't go on living a lie - I am so scared that if I stay and stay, I'll completely lose myself, and not only do I need me, but my son does to.

I'm sorry you are all in this too, but I'm also glad that it's not just me who is stuck like this. Does this all sound familiar?

Thanks everyone. Some great pieces of advice here but the biggest comfort is to know that there are other's suffering this long term disappointment and sadness. DP's an honest and faithful man, and can be good fun but that's truly all his good points. He can be lazy, self centred, an OK (as in, our DS wouldn't starve) Dad but so lazy. Lower than average around the house and a hard enough worker when he has work to do but that's scarce at the mo. Sending hugs to you all on this crappy journey!

blueJay That sounds horrific (and yes, some of it familiar), almost like he's taunting you. And demanding that you don't see friends is a form of EA. That's not proper love. I',m with you on worrying what people will think but they will get on with it and get reabsorbed in their lives again and things will become a new normal. And if they think you didn't try, they clearly don't know you well enough. But that doesn't stop those terrified feelings.

I feel confident in saying your son will never hate you. But he will be saddened if he grows up to realise you lived a very unhappy life for his sake.

Capricorn you're definitely not alone, I think it's really, really common to find yourself in this situation but then there are so many different types of people. Some who will never realise it's all wrong, some that will stay and doggedly fight until they're a husk of a person, some who will be brave and demand more happiness for themselves. And a million versions in between.

bluejay
"I have been the fighter - the one fighting to keep things going, to maintain the romance and the sex etc. But I've had enough"
I could have written this. I feel like the only grownup in the room a lot of the time.
DH asked me to go for a drink. He wanted to know why I wanted to separate. When I told him, he said he didn't understand, I wasn't making any sense and that the things I said weren't true or were trivial. He said that he'd talked to loads of people whose parents split up when they were kids and they'd all said what a terrible effect it had on them. He said that our kids would really suffer if we broke up.

I told him he was selfish and in response he hurled some really nasty and untrue allegations against me. We went home not speaking and I rang my mum in tears.

Now he is being Mr Congeniality again. I think he's just trying to make me doubt myself again and think that actually he's not that bad,

Welcome Bluejay.

I'm finding it really strange that I don't think I worried about what people would think. In my mind me being so unhappy is enough. I know myself as do my close friends how much & for how long I tried. I'm not a hugely confident person & quite sensitive so it surprises me I don't feel that way. I worried what people might say but I had no worries over the reasons. No-one has said anything negative to me (to my face), in fact all I hear is life is too short to be unhappy.

Children will adapt. I think it's easier the younger they are & I regret leaving it this late.

User & bluejay I was the fighter too, I understand.

User using the kids card is a low blow. I know plenty of kids who are very happy in split families. They will only suffer if you or he make them and you are not going to do that.

Welcome user and bluejay. I could have written iour words bluejay and am struggling with the guilt and thoughts that people will judge me mainly my family who think dh is marvellous and have s low opinion of me. (unfounded).
I also worry about my eldest. She will struggle with it having had several losses already in her young life and being left replacing me as mother in the house.

user Sorry to hear all that, it's so unfair of him to tell you that you're not making any sense. If you're going to be a team about this and if he's going to show you any hope, he needs to help you make sense of it. I had a relationship once that made me doubt my sanity - this all sounds very familiar.

And yes, using the kids against you is absolutely not f**king on. Sounds like he's jabbing at the bits he knows will hurt.

shandy that's awful about your DD and your family being so unfair on you, sorry you're caught in such a situation. You must feel like there's no way out. There always is, of course. It's just whether you can find the strength to fight through it.

Thanks for the welcome all.

HotWB - i think that just shows you are in a place of emotional strength that you don't worry how people will judge you. It's totally right to put your needs first. It's the oxygen mask rule - help yourself first, then everyone else.

Shandy - the kids are such a worry. But I keep telling myself that I don't want my son to have a negative opinion on women - I want him to see me being treated properly so he does not become his father (in that respect).

How old is your eldest? The younger they are, the easier it is to adapt - which is another motivation for me to act now ie before school, before he has conscious memories of mummy being a bit sad etc

Lost it is a worry - but like you say it's cos they don't know the reality. They will only hear his version on the other side, which I'm sure will not be cast in an entirely accurate light. But I can take that - I believe my family will back me because they want what's best for me and they've made noises in the past about his suitability.

User I have a Mr Congeniality. It's torture. Don't get me wrong, it could be worse - but I'm being set up as the bad guy and i genuinely - for the first time - feel that he will be upset about me going. Crazy times.

user I just want to say stay strong. I am 4 months separated. Initially it was a 'trial' ..to soften the blow. Throughout this time he too has trivialised and invalidated my reasons for ending the relationship. He gas sat in a counselling room and told the counsellor that I just want to -sniff around other men' (untrue), am having an MLC/depressed/sociopathic/treacherous/it's my friend's fault. Like your man very passive aggressive and playing the good guy. I've had to just sheug my shoulders and suck it up when it comes to what others think. MIL and SILhave ghosted me but everyone else has been supportive. I'm getting slowly stronger and seeing a way forward and my GOD it feels good to be out. I couldnt handle further trialling things. They're not working so this week I'm getting the legal wheelsin motion. Stay strong.

You all seem to be dealing with such tricky OH characters.

It does make me wonder if I'm being an idiot. My DH is lovely, supportive and above all wants me to be happy. We get on in a kind of 'this is our lot' kind of way. I gave up fighting years ago because it never changed anything.

Our problem is that I just don't love him the way I should. Sex is not there, emotional connection is not there.

And now I'm seriously doubting that that's a big enough 'problem' to break our family up.

Hello everyone - ive been following everyone's stories - just cant get a moment for a proper reply - youre all going through hell and i feel for all of you/us in this mess. I get so much strength from your experiences and comments. My current situation - going to individual and couples counselling, DH hopeful we can 'work things out' (but how???), find 'the problem' and 'fix it'. But since i feel that the problem lies solely with me (i love him dearly, he is my best friend and soulmate, but the romantic love is long gone, i feel more like he's my brother) and i cant imagine fixing it, i feel hopeless. Anyway im committed to seeing the counselling through to a conclusion. It's already been a couple of months living in limbo since i said things werent working, now several more coming up - its so hard, but i know i owe it to my marriage/DH of 15 years. I feel sick when i think that i could be breaking up our in-many-ways very happy relationship, affect our DC (4yo), lose our house, live in poverty etc - but then carrying on like this, living like friends/flatmates, is just not feasible. Hugs and strength to everyone x

Quesera - good timing as this sounds a lot like my situation. So it's a case of whose feelings get put first and whether the fallout will be all worth it in the end.

btw I really like the oxygen mask analogy, blue

Lost I think that's the point that keeps getting me - is this bad enough to end it? On the surface, I could do a lot worse.

But what I've always said to my friends and family is that 'as long as I'm happy more than 50% of the time, it's worth it'. They were always horrified by that - but I was pragmatic, thinking surely, I can't do better/be happier etc.

But now I think that 50% isn't enough. I feel like I'm being unfair in some ways - I've accepted things for so long that it's unfair to him to change my view and move the goalposts. But they moved anyway, and I can't just hoik them back - I've tried.

To me, it's not a blip [we've had lots of blips], it's time to change.

blue I think it's fair to say it's a good, promising relationship if you're content the majority of the time.

'Happy' is such a loaded word and conjures up images of big grins and skipping through the f**king fields! Contentment is a wonderful, stable state, so as long as that's the prevailing emotion, I think things seem promising. Happiness comes and goes, as does misery. It's what's left in between that we need to pay attention to.

I was probably content for the first two or three of years of our marriage (despite some very disruptive external influences) but I haven't felt that for a very long time. and it's fair to say that the doubts which are niggling me now were there then, too.

Sounds like you're starting to campaign for your own contentment - good for you! Probably comes at this time becuase your DS is coming out of the baby/toddler phase and your needs can start to be considered seriously again.

By the way you say upthread that your DH looks after DS once a week so you can exercise. Would you say you 'look after' DS so that DH can do his own thing? I only pick up on that because I wonder if you've been forced into feeling that, because he works, you have to pull all the parenting muscle. He sounds a little bit manipulative based on what you've said.

Lost - indeed that is true, and I think I do use the word content more than happy :grin:

I also work full-time - in a fairly demanding management job, which I love (90% of the time) - we've always split things so I look after DS in the evenings inc bedtime and he cooks - largely as a hangover from breastfeeding. This inevitably means he gets a lot more chill time - I do all nursery runs as he works over an hour away, so I'm 'on' from 645am until 8.30pm when DS is asleep - OH meanwhile, often has time to do some painting or play on the playstation in the evening.

The sport thing is annoying because ideally I'd like to go out twice a week - but only once is allowed, and I had to fight for that even, because he didn't believe that I wasn't cheating on him because someone from my work also went to play this sport. [I've never cheated on him]

A little while ago, I talked about starting a dance class instead once a week, and he gave me so much hassle over 'who did I know from work there, you never do things on your own, don't lie to me' etc (there was no-one from work involved whatsoever, I'd seen it on FB) that I gave up.

Ha - it's this sort of thing that sounds so ridiculous written down. But in the current lived reality, that sounds like I'm making it up, even though it was only a few weeks ago.

It's good to write it down though, so you can see it all in one place and start to realise that it's all stacking up and looking a bit off.

I'm far from an expert but it sounds pretty controlling and emotionally abusive to me. If he doesn't trust you and you've given him no reason not to, he needs to ease up on those horrid accusations!

Blue, Id just not put up with that. He cannot stop you going out & accuse you. That's controlling behaviour.

I absolutely don't think you guys should settle if you are in any way unhappy. You can't sustain a no sex/no romance/no emotional relationship Lost for the rest of your life. Ask yourself when the DC leave home are you looking forward to the life the two of you will lead together?

hot I keep coming back to that, you've said it to me once before and it really hit home. I'm not in any way looking forward to it, it will bore me to tears. It already is!

It was my lightbulb moment after years of unhappiness.

Are you still around AllOver?

Our problem is that I just don't love him the way I should. Sex is not there, emotional connection is not there.

I could have written this Lost