Thread for those who have left marriages that weren't AWFUL, just unsatisfying (pt. II)

[All0vertheplace]

The last thread reached 1,000 posts (!) so here's where we can keep the discussion going. Cake and flowers to all.

Hot thank you so much, calling CAB is on my list for tomorrow now my figures are submitted

Having a mega wobble today. Spoke to a friend who was very judgey and told me 'counselling can fix anything'. The undercurrent was so 'put up and shut up". natyrally I'll be telling her to sling her book if she can't find it in her to support me, but it has made me doubt absolutely everything. No idea what I'm doing.

I have recently separated from my h of 15 years.Like many of you I felt that I couldn't tolerate the angry behaviour any longer and we had stopped being connected.I've read so much on relationships and went to counselling but not sure my h was committed as he could never take responsibility or apologise.He seemed to hand on to resentment.The separation feels right but especially as the evenings grow dark I feel loneiness creeping in.

It's important to feel that you have tried everything before separating but I do feel some relationships are not meant to be long-term.

Lost, please ignore your friend, she is not living your life. Please stay strong. You know how you feel. Feel free to pm me to rant anytime.

Hermione, spot in, does not have to be huge drastic reasons at all. I get the loneliness but I think it's even more lonely being in an unhappy relationship.

Yes that's how I feel, I'm so lonely now. A relative died recently and I feel like I haven't been able to just sit and cry about it with anyone – in the past this would totally have been DH but we're just not connected like that any more.

Yes the connection. Like my school reports, must try harder, could do better. But I'm exhausted with making all the effort. I just feel like I have given up really... Sad.

Hermione, thanks for adding your story and I really hope you can find peace in the long run. I too am an avid reader and have spent many nights delving into books and articles that have helped me come to this place.

But yes, I am so scared of being lonely. Really, I love my own space but I took myself off to the cinema alone tonight to get some headspace and quiet my mind. I thought about driving home to an empty house, without DH and DCs, and it terrified me. But equally I found cause for co-habiting frustration as soon as I stepped through the door of the fmaily home.

Hot - thank you for the support, I will certainly take you up on that if i feel ranty. Right now I just feel sad and confused. I know my friend is wrong to put her opinionson me like that, but its really set my thoughts on a brand new trajectory. Then - who knows how I'll feel tomorrow.

Lego so sorry for your loss

Iron - that's the thing I'm scared of hearing most - 'try harder'. Like anyone has any idea how long I've been trying and trying for and how long I thought there was no way out. I will struggle not to scream in their face.

I wonder how AllOver is doing . . .

And Lost to answer you earlier I do feel very very alone. Everyone I spoke to last week about the 'situation', then crying at my desk on my birthday/anniversary, you realise that no one is actually there to support you in RL. My Dad is like "you need to make it work for the children", my Mum - not even speaking to me and friends have their own shit going on. Point is it's too intense for anyone to cope with so you do have to go it alone and work out what you're going to do. Alone.

I find that Iron. That's why I've chosen not to tell many friends and no family. I find most people find it hard to know what to say, they want mainly for you to try something and keep you together and even if it's not their intention it feels like they're implying you are at fault and you haven't tried hard enough. Or they ignore the situation, maybe hoping it will go away, which is what dh is doing, making me feel like I'm living in some surreal world.
I sometimes think doing a bunk after an incident would be easier, dramatic, but easier for people to understand
I'm hoping that when I get out it will be clearer and easier for friends and family to be supportive.
Also this thread helps with the loneliness of the situation. Living in hope.

Hand holding Shandy. I am feeling nothing today. The routine of school run, work blah.

Yes I'd love a certain trigger or some kind of clear cut sign that leaving is the right thing to do. feels like a never ending pressure on the brain.

Hello, can I join? I identify with a lot of what Lostandlonely has said but my situation is a bit messier. My DH is a selfish man-child and every time I stood up to him he convinced me I was the unreasonable one. No excuse for this but after years of unhappiness I had a brief affair - I only met the OM twice. I confessed all and we tried to get things back on track. But DH is moody, unreasonable, and still doesn't pull his weight. He blames his moods on me for having the affair but he was always like this. I just can't see things ever getting better but he says if we split it will wreck the kids lives. At the moment they think everything is ok.

user welcome. Gosh that does sound messy, your issues are valid but I guess it's inevitable that now your DH has something to hang it on. That probably helps him process his unhappiness, though it's absolutely not the right thing to do.

I think in your situation, a session with a therapist would be useful if only to highlight to him that what you did was a symptom of existing unhappiness and you can pull the whole thing apart in a safe environment.

And I wouldn't mind betting the kids probably have picked up on something, no one's that good an actor and it doesn't sound lke your DH is covering his feelings too well.

Keep posting, this post and the people on it have been a lifeline for me and I hope to pay some of the help forwards.

thanks Lost. We have had a lot of couples counselling and thought things were better. But its deteriorated again. He is charm itself in the sessions. The counsellor helped defuse certain specific arguments but his mindset hasn't changed. He is still just self-obsessed.

Oh goodness, we have a charmer. Could the counsellor not see through that?

How many DCs? Ages? V. unfair of him to suggest you'd be wrecking their lives by putting a stop to this misery. I've seen and read so much evidence to support the fact that bleak at best, toxic at worst atmospheres are the real wrecking balls in modern family homes.

Is he suggesting anything else to try and fix all this?

I just saw two poignant comments on another 'Do I stay or do I go' thread that I'm just going to leave here:

"I need to live the life my soul is craving"

"All [staying] is doing is prolonging the inevitable"

These resonated with me.

Thank you lost not sure which thread that was from but gosh yes ! I am in a very strange place today. Very strange. I wish I could pour my heart out to someone but it's just not viable. I need to sort this out at the core. I am thinking maybe some counselling will help. Trouble is my problems stem as a very small child so difficult to address and would probably need many sessions - expensive !
Anyway, hang on in there people

I've been cheating on MN with other sites! Just doing some general reading and skating over the judgemental comments.

Lost I bet counselljng would be a big release for you at the moment but the cost is a huge consideration. We're starting next week at £60 a pop so I'm hoping we find some clarity but quick.

Yes counselling is expensive. Can you try your doctor or maybe look at work policies if you're working. Often companies have confidential counselling available to maintain the mental health of their workforce. I'm contemplating mine once I split to thrash out my feelings and try and avoid too much guilt tripping.
Welcome user and I think I will print out those phrases as my mantra lost.
Strength is returning. I just need one piece of luck to go my way.

Those sayings say it all lost.

I know I'm at at slightly further on stage but I can't tell you the relief for it all to be out in the open, I no longer have to pretend, no longer dread the kids leaving home and being stuck with him.

Hello everybody. Can I join? I intend to spend some quiet time hiding in the loo from DS reading through this and the other thread later but I think I have found my people. And I don't say that lightly.

Long story long, 35 years old, with DH for 10 years with 3 yr old DS. And no awful treatment, no abuse just.... nothing. We get on ok as friends but that's it. I have read through so many threads on MN but couldn't identify with any of the posters who are having a hideous time at the hands of their partners. Not so at all in my case but, as the title suggest, just in an unsatisfying marriage that I'm tired of putting all the effort into. OH never wants sex, is crap with money, has no ambition and is happy for me to work myself to death and harbour all the parenting decisions and financial stress. Ahead of all of that in the Pros and Cons list of leaving is that we just don't have anything in common any more, and he has no interest in my day to news, health or happiness - and now that I'm being honest with myself, hasn't from about 6 months in. Think that makes me the saddest of all.

Welcome Capricorn. Same story as me really although ok in the early years but never a big romance or anything. It makes for a lonely & unhappy life.

Welcome Capricorn and anyone else I may have missed as I am completely self absorbed right now. Hope everyone is ok